DP telling me I need to pay him a rent

[helloballoon]

Bit of a long one here.

I've been with DP for 5 years, moved into his house 18 months ago, we have spoken about marriage etc and both fully committed and very happy. I sold my house which completed in February this year. I made some money from mine so we agreed that I would pay this off his mortgage. When we looked into this further we realised he was on a very good fixed rate deal so would be stupid to re-mortgage, this is where the issues have started. I was reluctant to pay the money off the mortgage which would remain in his name as I was worried if anything ever happened to him then I would have nothing. He has took this as me not being committed to the relationship and not trusting him. I have tried to explain that its not about that at all its about me having some security.

FWIW he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue. Now his view is that as soon as I have some money I wont commit it but I've been happy letting him pay for everything. I do really see his point of view but he doesn't seem to see mine.

We agreed to a Declaration of Trust which I got a solicitor to draw up, he has had this for 3 months and has done nothing with it, not even looked at it. It has caused a huge wedge between us. He has more equity than me and I'm more than happy for this to be documented.

When my house sold we also agreed to open a joint account so we effectively share money and pay all the bills out of the same account, aside from the issue above this works well for us.

The issue I am having now is that the past few arguments we have had he brings it up. We have had a argument today and in his anger he has decided to finally look at the Declaration of Trust and has told me not to bother and that we need to split our money back to separate accounts and and then I need to pay a rent to him.

I just don't know what to do, I've come up with the solution of a Declaration Trust but he still holds some resentment over it and we cant seem to move forward. Its really hurtful he moves the goalposts in an argument and says these things to me and it makes me feel really vulnerable that I've given up my security to commit to him and our life and he just cant see that.

We have had a chat about it once and he told me he its made him feel differently about us and that things don't feel the same, its clearly an issue for him but I don't know how to resolve it and how we can move forward.

AIBU? Any advice?

Oh dear, you’re not even married!

Do not have a joint account and find a new abode asap.

Next time keep mum about your financial situation as you need to protect your assets. My husband never asked me about mine yet when we married I moved to his home. He certainly never asked for rent! When we sold that place, we bought a new home as joint owners.

A man who loves you will want you to be financially secure and have your own little nest egg.

Can he sell too and you buy something together ?

I realise that, but it’s not unreasonable that she pays rent and half the bills given she’s not paying towards the mortgage.

I cannot seriously believe you even considered paying off part of his mortgage, give your head a serious shake.

I don't mean she should contribute twice. If she's already contributing to thr mortgage, then she is paying rent.

And you having to pay for an empty property is a large cost that you also shouldered: if you want to be fair then add up what you had to pay to your house and shared house plus food etc and then add up what he was paying and see how uneven it actually was. If the situation was reversed then he would have had those costs etc but if you were planning on coming together financially then the total expenditure in that period is shared, no?

You would have to be completely insane to pay off his mortgage and not be on the deeds. He is being manipulative to suggest you should effectively hand over all your assets to him and leave yourself with nothing. It’s batshit crazy. Buy another place and rent it out and formally pay him rent on his place. Then when and if you are both ready to commit you can marry and both own both places.

This

This is a regular occurrence on here.
But throw in she gave up a good career, is a SAHM that does EVERYTHING for the house and multiple children they shared......only to be left with absolutely NOTHING.

The naivety is absolutely astounding. Not one ounce of self preservation or protection in all those years.

So sad.

As others have said he wants you to pay a rent and separate your finances so as you have no claim if you split in the future.

If you continue to split the bills in a joint account including the mortgage and split in 10year a time you’ll have a claim. As clearly you are cohabiting, living like common law spouses. So you’re going back and step and living like a lodger.

Whether he’s doing this to punish you for not giving him your money is impossible to say.

I may have missed it but we don’t seem to have some critical info, in particular what the draft declaration of trust says in relation to OP’s share of the equity, the size of the mortgage / whether it’s being repaid in full and whether it is a repayment or interest only mortgage.

it sounds like the DoT envisages a %, OP says she’d be happy to adjust to reflect his share of the equity, but is that reflected in the DoT / has that discussion been had? If it’s something other than 50% then there would have had to been a discussion based on an up to date valuation (fairer than the original purchase price) and it doesn’t sound as though that discussion has happened?

assuming the additional repayment doesn’t completely pay the mortgage off then he remains 100% liable for the new mortgage.

if the draft gives OP a 50% stake and he remains on the hook for the mortgage then I can see why he might be a bit cross and decide the whole thing should go in the too hard basket.

also if it’s an interest only mortgage then OP won’t have been paying capital contributions.

We also don’t know what the draft DoT says in relation to rights to sell the property. The OP’s DP might have concerns about that as well depending on what they say?

She’s been paying towards the mortgage since February

you shouldnt sell without a signed marriage paper

It does not really matter if they are married. If they divorce, is going to be divided anyway. If they stay married and phew ( for him and you ) they already are! - they live together and whoever goes first, the other will inherit. Not a big deal. Apparently they were/are in love

@helloballoon
So he wants his money to himself AND he wants your money too? He wants YOU to lower his mortgage payments by you paying a chunk off his mortgage but for YOU to have no legal equity in his property? No, no ,no OP. This isn't how a fair, loving & equal relationship works and you know that or you wouldn't be here.
If he will not give you proper legal protection by signing the legal stuff AND putting you on the mortgage then he doesn't value you does he?

Where did you see this relationship going in the future and how do you see it now? You can't possibly respect him now because he certainly doesn't respect you and he doesn't value you as an equal partner. Bet your fanny sealed up shut too at this development into meanness. You should probably make arrangements to find somewhere to live and soon because this type of behaviour lies on the path to abusive control OP and really rather quickly.

Covering ad hoc costs for a time is NOTHING like you putting all your money into a mortgage without security - it is literally throwing your money in a bin fire.

You could lose every penny - and he knows that. He isn't stupid is he?

Sorry but - I have to come to the obvious conclusion - he does not want you getting any rights over the house you are now living in.

Why on earth are you selling but he's not?

Surely, you should both sell and buy somewhere together. Otherwise, he's using you for income. Being generous up front palls in comparison to a regular income.

Get your own house or get him to agree to sell and buy with you. Otherwise, you're the lodger he shags

Do you know what his problem with the DoT is? It seems like this would be important for him, since you are already getting into shared asset territory as your money is part of what’s covering monthly mortgage payments. If you paid off a lump sum too you’d have even more of a claim on his house. It would require going to court for a ruling that you had acquired a right to the house, but you’d be almost certain to win. Does he not realise this? Would he be happy to just put you on the deeds so that it’s 50/50 if you put all your house money into the house together? Or does he really think it’s fair that you should put money into a house that he owns without getting any clear ownership?

I can sort of see why he’s annoyed if he’s been covering a lot of your expenses and now you have money, and the two of you had agreed that you would be paying off some of his mortgage, and suddenly you find reasons not to. But he also doesn’t seem to be concerned about your financial security - even though he’s managed to ensure his financial security isn’t as precarious.

Why was it his house you decided to live in together? You say you won’t have as much equity as him, but how equal is your financial situation more generally? Does he earn more or less? Are you paying towards bills equally? Are you building pensions equally?

It’s curious that he comes across to you as very generous, but he isn’t on board with ensuring your security. You talk about him covering some extra costs when you were trying to sell your house but pretty much lived with him - But why wouldn’t he if you were taking on the moving role? Surely it’s only fair to split the extra costs? You wouldn’t have been moving in that way if it wasn’t for him. Was his generosity over and above this?

Also, it’s probably occurred to you, but - be extra careful not to get pregnant while any of this is still up in the air. Someone who doesn’t think about ownership of assets while he owns them and you don’t, is not someone you want to have to rely on for that journey.

Why not get all the equity in the house put into your name and your partner can take your word for it that you won't fleece him? Of course he wouldn't - he would have to be barking mad to do that - same as you would have to be to let him have your equity without it being protected.

Two ways to resolve this: hold the house as tenants in common with your relative %s protected or get married and pool all your worldly goods.

If neither of those is an option then he has messed you around letting you sell your home and letting you believe that you would build a joint life together when you won't and you should buy a new place of your own and ditch him.

I do find his behaviour very strange. Surely no one in their right mind would give him their equity. Have you any reason to think that he has ripped off or scammed any other girlfriends or other people in the past? Be very careful.

If they weren’t on the deeds 50/50 then when separating in that year between buying and getting married would have left the house mainly with the boyfriend (poster may have acquired some rights if she was paying towards the mortgage).

For the next 2 and a half years (5 years total of being together), a court considering splitting assets for a divorce would consider the marriage “short” and assets then are not normally split 50/50 as a starting point but rather try to return to each partner what they had going in and only split any gains.

How old are you, OP? Do you want children with this man?

Unless you are very young still (which seems unlikely given that you each separately owned your own properties) it seems like a bit of a red flag to me that he hasn't made any real commitment to you, and even more so that he's gaslighting you by saying you're the one who isn't willing to commit to him.

You've sold your house and moved in with him. He still has his house.

You say you've talked about marriage, but is there a ring on your finger? No.

It would be absolute madness to put all your equity into someone else's house without having any kind of legal stake in that house. That's what you were trying to do with the deed of trust.

If his point of view is that he can't be sure you're committed to him unless you're willing to put all your equity towards his property and just trust him not to screw you over, what has he done to demonstrate that he's committed to you? Nothing, as far as I can see.

But HE did because he was serious about me. So when the OP says her bf has spoken about marriage...well, mate. Put your money where your mouth is because she looks all in so where's his commitment?

It also goes to show that the way he's behaving is so so so far off the mark of how other men can behave.

OP have you taken advice about the investment of your house proceeds pending purchasing another property? Your nest egg will be losing value while you sort out what to do.
Either stop contributing towards his mortgage or refuse to pay rent. Which ever you do be sure the amount is equitable and that there is a paper trail.
However I don’t feel your relationship will ever return to the happy status it had. Once the trust is lost and he has shown his true colours, that he cares more for money and having the control in your relationship, then what’s the point? Cut your losses and find someone who will put you first.

@FakeMiddleton lots of men are idiots 🤷🏻‍♀️

@VividQuoter But I would never do it before marriage, that’s the point.