DP telling me I need to pay him a rent

[helloballoon]

Bit of a long one here.

I've been with DP for 5 years, moved into his house 18 months ago, we have spoken about marriage etc and both fully committed and very happy. I sold my house which completed in February this year. I made some money from mine so we agreed that I would pay this off his mortgage. When we looked into this further we realised he was on a very good fixed rate deal so would be stupid to re-mortgage, this is where the issues have started. I was reluctant to pay the money off the mortgage which would remain in his name as I was worried if anything ever happened to him then I would have nothing. He has took this as me not being committed to the relationship and not trusting him. I have tried to explain that its not about that at all its about me having some security.

FWIW he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue. Now his view is that as soon as I have some money I wont commit it but I've been happy letting him pay for everything. I do really see his point of view but he doesn't seem to see mine.

We agreed to a Declaration of Trust which I got a solicitor to draw up, he has had this for 3 months and has done nothing with it, not even looked at it. It has caused a huge wedge between us. He has more equity than me and I'm more than happy for this to be documented.

When my house sold we also agreed to open a joint account so we effectively share money and pay all the bills out of the same account, aside from the issue above this works well for us.

The issue I am having now is that the past few arguments we have had he brings it up. We have had a argument today and in his anger he has decided to finally look at the Declaration of Trust and has told me not to bother and that we need to split our money back to separate accounts and and then I need to pay a rent to him.

I just don't know what to do, I've come up with the solution of a Declaration Trust but he still holds some resentment over it and we cant seem to move forward. Its really hurtful he moves the goalposts in an argument and says these things to me and it makes me feel really vulnerable that I've given up my security to commit to him and our life and he just cant see that.

We have had a chat about it once and he told me he its made him feel differently about us and that things don't feel the same, its clearly an issue for him but I don't know how to resolve it and how we can move forward.

AIBU? Any advice?

Does he want you to pay rent to him for the rest of your life? Does he think that's fair? He'll eventually be mortgage-free. Will he still expect you to pay him rent, then? Where's the benefit for you in paying him rent rather than building equity in a property of your own?

Op, you have already gone backwards financially. You sold a house which would have had selling costs, plus you haven't increased equity. Meanwhile he has reduced his mortgage with your help and now has lower utility cost...win/win

The flaw in his plan was that he didn't figure on you being sensible! As it does sound as if he was planning to financially manipulate you.

I'm sorry Op. I once trusted a man financially and it was a very painful lesson. You may have lost some ground financially but thankfully not everything.

Oh god 🫣 why did you sell your house?!

You haven’t put any figures to this, which is the one thing that makes me pause… just in case you made less than he’s spent “on you” in the time you’ve been together. Seems unlikely unless you’re deliberately not mentioning a few luxury holidays!

I’m aghast that you were planning to just pay off some of his mortgage. Thank fuck basically that his mortgage rate stopped you.

I’d take your money and use it as a deposit and move on from this chapter of your life.

This is a tough one OP - I've read all your posts and not RTWT - but I can see the difficulties that have arisen for both you and your DP; and it's hard to tease apart because there is no right or wrong nor 'side'.

If you both want to keep your relationship, which I think you do, my solution is:

Now - you both agree to look for a different property that you can both purchase equally and pay for including the 'parameters' that provide for future 'unequal' salaries (eg: children/illness/disability).

Short term - yes, instead of paying towards the mortgage you pay a low amount of 'rent' which accounts for all the mortgage payments you have paid to date which may mean your 'rent' is a negative amount.

Long term - that's the aim and may I wish you both well.

@helloballoon I'm just querying this - We agreed to a Declaration of Trust.

The correct term is Deed of Trust.

(I accept there may be other names for it but this is what people I know call it, who have one and what's listed on legal sites.)

Have you actually seen the D of T?

Or just committed

OP needs to keep every receipt for what she has paid towards his house.

I saw a solicitor once when in a bad relationship. They told me the obvious which was that if I didn't see the relationship lasting then to do three things:

Don't get married
Keep all accounts separate
If I own the home, get my partner to pay me rent.

Looks like your partner has had the same advice! Sorry OP, it seems as though they anticipate breaking up with you and want to keep the house.

You sold your house and now have no property, and he wants you to pay off his mortgage on a property you have no claim on???

Are you saying that you are paying all of the mortgage or part of it?
I would understand paying some ("rent"), but why on earth would you pay his entire mortgage when you don't own the house?

Put your equity into savings and buy a house together later on, if the relationship lasts.

And for what's it worth, selling your house to start paying rent is a very bad deal for you, and you remind him of that. He will get whatever he is paying into the mortgage back when he sells, you won't. At most, you should be paying your share of the interests.

Run away now.

He's selfish and it shows.

Get out now

A flatmate would be paying rent! What's the female equivalent of a cocklodger? If the roles were reversed I think he would be expected to contribute.

The other option is you ask him if he would be happy to sell and you buy a house together (50/50). That way it's a fresh start & you can build it together.

Please do not throw your money into his mortgage, or monetary things, unless you have it written up. A family member used his money from the sale of his house towards an extention on his partners house, and a few years later she left him and he was left with nothing. He managed to get some money back, but not enough to purchase a house. It is sad that we have to think like this, but sometimes people can be wicked when things go south and become people you never expected them to become when money is involved.

OP has no rights to stay in her boyfriend's property, she is very vulnerable now she has sold her house, he could throw her out at a moment's notice.

The whole situation has the potential to turn very toxic, very quickly.

OP in case you aren't aware, as a tenant living with your 'landlord' you have very few eviction rights. Essentially he could ask you to leave and you would have to go, more or less straight away.

Why would OP buy a house with someone who tried to steal her money to pay his mortgage?

Thanks for all your replies, this has given me some really good perspective and helped me see that whilst he is saying I’m not committed, he hasn’t been either. I’ve sold my home, gave away all of my house belongings as a commitment to our life and just because I won’t hand over the money without security doesn’t mean I’m not committed. I realise this now.

Good. So, the next question for him is - what about that marriage conversation? He can't keep ducking it or dithering, when you've gone and sold your house and furnishings. Don't see it as a romantic prize that you have to earn by keeping your head down - see it as an obvious piece of business that should be on the table. If it's not on the table, you need to know before you get further entangled with him. Then you can make sensible and realistic decisions. Don't do ANYTHING on the basis that you hope to marry, might marry, have spoken about marriage in the past. Assume you are not, until you have set a date. Do not give him a wife if he won't give you a husband.

@helloballoon

Your questions to yourself should now be:
'If I can't trust DP to be fair & equal over where we live - what else can I not trust him with/about?'
'How can I have absolute trust and faith in our future when he has so far proved to have none in me?'
'If this isn't the hill that I die on then what will be if I go ahead and give him my hard earned cash with no legal protection. How bad will it get before I really walk away with NOTHING?'

I also wouldn't put your salary into a joint account. This is very risky. I would only do this with a spouse.

I would, in your situation, buy a small property to protect your assets and give you financial security.

I agree with @MixieMatchie
Don't take any action based on planning to get married. Until the marriage papers are signed you do not have the legal protection that comes with marriage and he can change his mind. If you plan to pool equity when you are married wait until you actually are married and have that legal protection before you do it.

A married partner that is not trustworthy can still ruin your finances e.g. gambling or selling assets and giving the cash to other family to defraud you of your assets so it's not foolproof. You still need trust. Do you have any idea why he wants you to put your money into his house without it being protected? Why do you feel you can trust him when he is against you protecting your own money?

@helloballoon
I suspect this man is one who isn't able to treat a woman as an equal. He wants everything on his terms, in other words he doesn't want to be your partner, he wants to be your boss.

Him saying you've been happy about him paying for things, is not the same as you paying a lump some (not sure of the amount, tens of thousands?) Off his mortgage is it!

Also if he thinks trust is an issue, why doesn't he put the house in your name solely and he can put his money where his mouth is.

He seems bitter and spiteful, I wouldn't be giving him any money, except for food and joint bills, so no rent for Mr sulky.

I’ve not read all the responses so this may have already been said, but I don’t think either of you are in the wrong here. I think he’s maybe worried if he signs a deed of trust before you’ve committed your equity, then you could walk away with half the house and your equity? Which obviously could look like a massive red flag to him. If you’re worried about him dying and your name not being on the house, then can he get a will drawn up? Tbh, until your equity is in the house, I don’t think you lose anything not being on the deeds as you have that to fall back on. You need a good chat with him, but could you not have a will drawn up so you’re both covered in the even of each other’s debt. But leave your name off the house and your equity in your account until the mortgage can be renewed at which point you pay in and you both sign the deeds?

As others have said - hang on to your money and buy a separate place. You could rent it out and use the income to cover what you are paying BF or move out.

My DH and I had our own properties, having both lived together at times and alternated between each others’ properties once I got a place of my own (in part because we were planning to marry and felt any additional equity I could generate in a separate property would be to our joint benefit long term).

We didn’t pool our monies into a completely new joint purchase until a few months before our wedding (had been together 10 years by this stage) but signed a trust document with a solicitor that should we not proceed to marriage and separate without children, the asset equity would be divided upon sale according to the relative contributions, which we reflected in the mortgage payments until I stopped work to have our kids. We own everything 50:50 now (22 years down the line, however!)

I think it is fair to pay reasonable rent/contribution to utilities. You should NOT be paying his mortgage, as that actually risks giving you a stake in his asset without the trust document (I believe, I may be wrong, probably am). And you absolutely should not pay his mortgage off with your equity, without an independent valuation of the property that clarifies the proportional value of your contribution or a legal agreement which stipulates your share and your name should be added to the title deeds accordingly acknowledging your ownership of that share.

If he does not see this, you need to move on.