Childhoods friend mum never made me tea

[Butterflyandroses]

Hi all, I want your opinion on this, im thinking back to when I was a teen and would go round my friends house, ive not eaten all day apart from breakfast and lunch. Her mum would never offer me dinners and if she would come to mine my dm would always cook her dinner I know its a long time ago now. But I could never do this to my dc friends! Its feels so mean aibu?

I had older parents (who grew up 40s and 50s) and I don't think it would ever have occurred to them to feed any of my friends - they kind of just ignored us and expected us to get on with it between meals (we might have asked if we could make ourselves some toast if we were really hungry). The expectation was definitely that friends would bugger off at mealtimes though and could then turn up again later. I found it a bit odd when i went to houses where the parents were more involved and would offer food and do activities etc (my parents were nice - they were just from a time that once you were old enough to hang out with friends the adults didn't get involved) x

You had breakfast and lunch plus your tea when you got home so how horrible could it have really been watching your friend eat?

If mumsnet had been around then you can guarantee there would've been a post saying "my daughter's friend won't leave - I don't mind her coming round, but she never wants to leave. When I say it's getting on and it's nearly time for tea, she just stays put. I've even started serving the family dinner in the hopes she'll get the hint, but she just sits and stares at us all while we're eating! How do I get her to go away without hurting her feelings?!"

I'd think you were rude for not going home for your own dinner when the dinner was about to be/being served.

I was always taught that if my friend were about to eat, to go home.

It does sound as if the friend’s mum was unkind to the OP; not letting her have a slice of birthday cake at her friens’s party sounds mean and the comment about her dad who had died was very unkind. So there does appear to have been some dislike on the mum’s part.

Not offering her to share their family tea when she hadn't been invited isn’t something to hold against her, however.

However, the OP admits that she wouldn't be ruminating on the past if it weren't for the fact that she’s coming to terms with the breakdown of a not very good relationship and assessing her life.

Only breakfast and lunch? You poor thing.

If you're old enough to be turning up at friends houses or playing out then going back to theirs with them, rather than it being a pre-arranged play date, then you're old enough to go home when its dinner time and get your own dinner at home.

So I think if you really want to reflect on the past, reflect on why you didn't pick up on the social cues to 'bugger off now and let us eat our dinner in peace'... that will have been there.

Perhaps your friend was also socially clueless or a bit selfish and wanted you to stay so you could carry on playing after dinner, but didn't really give a shit that this meant you sitting there like a lemon whilst they ate. Perhaps friends Mum should have given you a clearer clue that you needed to go home.

It doesn't really matter now... but why are you getting hung up on something I assume was in the fairly distant past?

Interesting.

I've lived in several countries where people take hospitality seriously, and people would rather go without than not offer a guest food.

Fair enough that children wouldn’t know that but it was the responsibility of OPs mother to teach her that.

Most parents should be saying to their kids that they come home when the family are serving up their food, unless there is a specific invite and also don’t be a nuisance

Doesn't sound like she was very friendly, but what can you gain from it now? There are many people who aren't nice. Now as an adult you have the power to make choices to avoid them whenever possible.

But why can't the mum say "Time to go home, sweetie" rather than passive aggressively dishing out food and ignoring a child?

You?

Maybe she did?

This was years ago, I doubt OP is recalling it completely accurately.

If it was a pre arranged meet up then I’d ask my DC if their friend was likely to be needing a meal and snack would be available whether they were staying to eat or not.

If someone randomly came over after school then I’d only offer if it seemed like they were hanging around a long time and I had food in. I’d hope I had enough snacks available.

In this house we eat late and are a small family so all of the above make sense.

Have you never thought of something that happened when you were a child and seen it in a different light as an adult? It doesn’t seem like it’s tearing op up, she’s just posing a question on a casual chat forum 🤷‍♀️

Not eaten all day apart from breakfast and lunch lol

I was a child in the 70s when adults were a bit more blunt with children; "Time you were off home now, we're about to have our dinner", "have you no home to go to?" or you'd just hear a shout to the friend "X, tell Wish it's time she went home". No offence ever intended or taken. My friends parents would happily give us a glass of milk or juice and a biscuit but never a full meal, same at my house.

Really? And you're mulling all this over now?

It's an odd thing to think about, all these years later.

Same here & it was easy when the "rules" were the same for everyone!

I lived close to friends & we'd go home for tea & then meet up again!

Made me think of this. 😆

www.tiktok.com/@tobielder/video/7247919686380162347?lang=en

My own mum would have rather died than had anyone in the house without offering them food, so this is all pretty alien to me. If I brought a mate home without warning, my mum would have been amazed if they hadn't wanted feeding, and would also have been defrosting one of the eight thousand homemade cakes she had on standby for any such occasion!

My guess is that your friend's mum was just irritated by her daughter inviting friends over without checking first, then. Your friend was happy to have you there but her mum wanted you to bugger off home and decided to make that point by not feeding you.

None of that is your fault, of course. The issue was between your friend's mum and your friend. Your friend, knowing that her mum wouldn't feed you, shouldn't have invited you in the expectation that you'd sit there hungry, and your friend's mum should have said 'Hi Butterfly, didn't know you were coming over - lovely to see you, but are you OK to leave before dinner, as I don't think we've got enough for an extra portion, sorry'.

Basically, your friend's mum wasn't very nice and your friend was well-meaning but insensitive. But it's all water under the bridge and I'm guessing you're only worrying about this because you're having a hard time generally at the moment.

I must admit I wouldn’t necessarily class “kid out playing with my kid who came back to mine to keep playing” as a guest. Hospitality like “would you like a drink” to everyone, absolutely, but not feeding every teen who pops by.
Guests tend to be people we’ve invited more than 2 minutes before.

If it was an on-the-hoof invitation to continue playing/hanging out by your friend, I wouldn’t expect the parents to give you a main meal. Many people plan meals and cook accordingly - you can’t magic up an extra chicken Kiev or salmon fillet.

We agreed a “one friend per week per offspring” deal with the DC, after a half term of serving an extra 17 main meal portions between the various mates and feeling a bit fed up.

Aside from all that, @Butterflyandroses , it seems like your friend’s parents weren’t very keen on you and your recent negative experiences are causing you to ruminate.

I found that accepting that everyone isn’t going to like me, nor I them, to be rather liberating.
You deserve a life with people who value you. Find them and you’ll be just fine.

She wanted you to go home.

It was a hint for you to go home, sometimes I do my kids friends dinners and other times when I'm knackered I don't offer as I want them to go home.

You were hardly starving.

Obviously not if you were hanging around watching your friend's family eat their meal 😂