Childhoods friend mum never made me tea

[Butterflyandroses]

Hi all, I want your opinion on this, im thinking back to when I was a teen and would go round my friends house, ive not eaten all day apart from breakfast and lunch. Her mum would never offer me dinners and if she would come to mine my dm would always cook her dinner I know its a long time ago now. But I could never do this to my dc friends! Its feels so mean aibu?

This has got to be a joke surely. Did you not have any self awareness that you were intruding on a family’s evening meal?

Yes she should have said go home now but you should have known too, even at a young age. And certainly know it now without having to make a thread on it

My mother would have been mortified if she knew I was doing this to another family

She obviously wanted you to leave. It's rude though - she should have communicated and said "it's time for you to go home now" rather than leave someone sitting there watching everyone eat. Your friend should have offered to share as well. They had poor social skills

I absolutely don't think that's what posters are saying! most parents communicate with each other and their children about what's acceptable in regards to friends staying for food or whatever this parent clearly didn't want to feed the op and that's what we are commenting on.

It can be a cultural thing (and when I say cultural, I mean different social classes, different regions of the UK, or even a family's only particular family culture). Some people might see it as rude to feed someone else's child with no notice, because the child's parents have presumably got something cooking for them at home that will go to waste if the child eats elsewhere.

So far as I can recall, none of my friends' Mums ever fed me and my Mum didn't feed any of them either.

A drink, yes (juice when younger or coffee/tea when a teen) but food, never.

However, I am sorry she made a nasty comment about your dad to you, that was way out of line.

Good advice.

I think this has come about because you are a good mum, looking after your children and want the best for them. You want them to have friends round and you are happy to include the friends in the family meal because you know that children are hungry after school.
As you were thinking about this being the right thing to do, it triggered memories of very similar occasions in your own childhood when you were not treated well... and it hurts to think that adults could be so unkind, when you can see how it is for your children.
I think this is cropping up in your mind now because you're going through a recent break up.

It's not mad for thinking these things through... maybe it's time you did think about them and how you deserve to be treated better in general. Also helps to think how you would deal with it now. We are often powerless as children, but can be more assertive as adults. It's good that you've brought it up here and had some different views on why the friend's mum might have behaved that way, which might help how you feel about it.

Don't let these thoughts derail you. Take comfort in the fact that you wouldn't treat your children's friends in this way, and that you do your best for your kids.

Sounds like you might of just been rocking up at dinner time tbh.

Though at that point wouldn’t serve theirs up in front of you. The options would be you left or they ate it cold once you had, unless I had made a meal I could stretch.

So spag bol sure I’d stretch it but if I’d put in the only pizza and garlic bread with a tray of chips not so much.

It was probably a hint for you to go home!
Also, a lot of people wouldn't have food in to feed an extra person on the spot if they hadn't already been invited.

i mean who's fault was it that you never had breakfast and dinner? to then go to a friends an expect to be fed!

feeding other peoples children is expensive and stressful! children tend to be honest and will tell you if they don't like x.y and z whereas an adult with either day no thankyou or just eat what been given.

i'm assuming this was some years ago... to be honest in todays climate with so many allergies and what not, i wouldn't be feeding visiting children for fear of upsetting them or triggering some sort of reaction!

If you want to feed DC's friends when they visit then feed them, but make sure you check with parents first.

If this is all you have to worry about in your adult life... then lucky you

You were a teenager though, not a little kid going around for a playdate. __

I had a feeling that might be the case. 💐.

@Crispsarethebestfood I honestly think its linked to the bad relationship as I havent ever thought about my old friends mother and the meals. Thank you for your gentle reply interesting point you made x

Same here.

If there was an impromptu offer you checked with your parents first.

Impromptu offers were often made when a cooked lunch had already been had so it was a a lighter meal.

Less expense & prep involved!

I think it would be totally normal for you to just go home when they ate their dinner. In fact I would say to my kids friends 'I'm afraid it's time for you to go now as we are about to have tea'. It does sound like you have picked up on a few other things that make you think she wasn't that keen on you....again this is OK, we don't always like our kids friends. Your Mum sound very kind always offering tea. It's not something I aways do because I won't always have enough food in the house.

How are relatively young children supposed to be expected to understand social nuances like this? It's all very well to say "read the room", but that's more easily done with a bit of life experience.

OP, they don't sound like very pleasant people. My mother in that situation would have said either "lovely to have seen you, but run along home now" or "would you like to stay?", rather than relying on a child interpreting the situation correctly. I would do the same. Kids can be a bit oblivious sometimes and that's not a problem. As an adult, you tell them (nicely) what's what. We'd never have eaten in front of a guest in our home without offering to share our food.

Serving a meal is the international signal of Time To Go Home, isn’t it?

I’ve lived in four countries and all of them used that as a way to sending visiting children back to their homes.

“ive not eaten all day apart from breakfast and lunch” 😂😂😂

That word doesn’t mean what you think it means!!

Exactly this, not everyone has enough food when they aren't expecting somebody, and haven't specifically invited you. I think this is the cue to go home.

This, basically. Who dwells on this kind of crap?

Cannibalism is horrible!😁 Seriously OP, everyone is different, some are generous others not. Don’t waste any more time think about it!

When I grew up in the 60's we always went home as soon as food was served up. We didn't even wait for the hint. It wouldn't have occurred to us to be offered anything and we knew that "dinner's ready" was the signal to bugger off home. Besides, we all had our own meals waiting at home and your mum would be pissed off if you ate at someone else's.

Edited because I meant to add that you absolutely would not sit and watch another family eat either!

I used to include my DS and DD’s friends at the dinner table. However one of my DD’s friends mum was open and honest saying that she couldn’t return the favour as her housekeeping wouldn’t stretch to feed extra mouths. This was back in 1980’s/1990’s and times were hard for a lot of people, as they are again now.
So it could have been that there was simply not enough food to go round.

Ah dear...you hadn't eaten all day except for breakfast and lunch, you poor thing.
How you must've suffered. 😂

Yeah I think if it was a pre-arranged thing, like “oh mum can xxx come over for tea tomorrow” and she agreed, then yes of course she should feed you.

However if you’re just turning up unannounced after school, she has absolutely no obligation to. She just wants a nice meal with her family, and is too kind to tell you to leave, but hopes you’ll get the hint. And it’s weird that you stayed and watched your friend eat her dinner! I don’t know exactly how old you were but I’m assuming teenager in high school, but old enough to take a hint surely? And just go home and have the dinner your mum cooked.