Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner's friends/family in my home

82 replies

bubbly07 · 07/08/2024 09:58

So me and my partner have our own separate place, I live in a house and he lives in a flat in a tower block.

The main reason we don't have our own place together is because he refuses to give up his flat which he has had for over 15 years and it is rented through the council.
He will only do this when we are able to purchase a property in both our names.

Anyway I have just moved into a house through HA on a market rent scheme and he is now trying to invite his friends and family over which I really have an issue with and it starting to grate on me.

He is acting as if it his home despite having his own flat.

I have never been invited to any of his friends houses and one of his cousins has been rude to me in the past.

I don't want these people in my home.
I love my privacy and have never been the one to have social gatherings in my home.
.
His brother does not allow people in his home as he also likes his privacy and now all of a sudden my partner is wanting to invite him and his partner over for dinner.

I don't think I am being unreasonable but my partner is making me feel very bad about this.
I have never had my friends/family at his flat.

I have told him they will just have to visit him him in his own flat as my home is not a social club.
I barely know some of these people.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Sunshineafterthehail · 07/08/2024 09:59

Could he want them to think he has his feet right under your table? Yanbu to want them in your home. I hate visitors..

KimberleyClark · 07/08/2024 10:00

What are his good points?

NancyJoan · 07/08/2024 10:02

You are not unreasonable to feel how you feel. You don’t sound like partners though. If you ever do live together you will both be entitled to invite friends/family over, which doesn’t sound like something you would like. I think you both need think long and hard before you consider giving up your separate homes - esp him with his council accommodation.

loropianalover · 07/08/2024 10:03

YANBU, I would never move in with him either as then your shared home will be a social club.

He wants to invite people over for dinner at yours - who will buy, prepare, cook, and clean? Bet it won’t be him.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/08/2024 10:04

YANBU. That is YOUR house, and although he is right to hang onto his council flat until you are in a position to buy together, until that day comes he needs to invite his family and friends to HIS home. Not yours.

Obviously when you do eventually get a place together, you will have to accommodate his visitors though, so if you find them in any way objectionable, that is something to bear in mind now.

AmandaHoldensLips · 07/08/2024 10:06

He hasn't got a key to your place, right?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2024 10:07

You really, really need to end this relationship. It is never going to work.

Edingril · 07/08/2024 10:07

So will you dictate this whe you both live together? Can you see this relationship working long term?

WhimsicalGubbins76 · 07/08/2024 10:07

I can see both sides to this-but honestly it entirely depends on the state of your relationship, where it’s going and how long you’ve been together.
If you’re planning a future together, then it feels entirely reasonable that he’d want get together at your place. He wants to include you, he wants to host people as a couple, your place is bigger and he wants you to get to know his nearest and dearest.
On the other hand, if you haven’t been together all that long, or if you’re not yet at the planning your future together stage and are still in the “getting to know each other” stage, then it’s far too much for him to be doing this.
I also like my privacy and own space, years ago before DH and I were married, we lived in separate houses-I never hosted his family at mine (but I lived in a different town to him and his friends and family) but I wouldn’t have been averse to it if I’d lived nearer because we both knew where the relationship was headed.

But in all honesty, there is no right or wrong to this. The only answer to whether you feel it’s unreasonable is how YOU feel. If you don’t want them at yours, then they shouldn’t be at yours. You are not unreasonable to want your home to be used as you choose. It’s your home, nobody else’s

WickieRoy · 07/08/2024 10:09

NancyJoan · 07/08/2024 10:02

You are not unreasonable to feel how you feel. You don’t sound like partners though. If you ever do live together you will both be entitled to invite friends/family over, which doesn’t sound like something you would like. I think you both need think long and hard before you consider giving up your separate homes - esp him with his council accommodation.

Yes exactly this.

You are of course right that it's your home not his, but for a couple planning on a long future together you're not acting like partners. Of course it makes sense to entertain in the bigger property.

If you won't be comfortable with him having guests once you move in together then you need to rethink things.

Flumpie59 · 07/08/2024 10:11

Dump him fast. He's an arsehole and a control freak. DON'T let him or his friends/family in your house. Don't give him the keys.

Shinyandnew1 · 07/08/2024 10:11

Have you given him a key?

-he is now trying to invite his friends and family over which I really have an issue with and it starting to grate on me.

It’s not clear from this what you have said to him. Have you told him to stop inviting people round to your house and that it’s yours and not his?

Catza · 07/08/2024 10:12

Well, it is up to you if you want to have people in your house or not but I do find it strange that you think having people for dinner is somehow weird.
My mum and her partner live separately. Our entire family routinely visit partner who has a house in the countryside for a weekend BBQ. It never even occurred to me to think this is somehow inappropriate even though he'd only been at my place once. Yes, it is usually my mum who offers we meet there but I was never aware of him feeling resentful about it. He happily fires up the BBQ, we bring food and drinks and spend time together as a family. Shock horror, we even spend a night there.
I am not sure if there is anything else going on in the background but if the issue is just having a couple for dinner, it is indeed a bit strange to be so upset about it.

Theoldbird · 07/08/2024 10:15

He is showing disrespect towards you by overriding your wishes. Once you move in together this will not improve. Never move in with him. Or move him in. This is your sanctuary.

I imagine he wants to show off your house to his family and friends so wants to entertain here rather than in house flat? But he has no right inviting anyone over to yours. get rid of him

DaisyDewks · 07/08/2024 10:17

How's that going to work when you get a house together?

Original poster
bubbly07 · 07/08/2024 10:20

We have been together for 5 years which has been very up and down.

For years I have asked him to rent a place together but he says he would be foolish to give up his council flat - which is a 2 bedroomed flat which was located to him in error.
I understand that.

He was expecting to move into my house and rent his flat out, but I told him I am not willing to do that and commit fraud.

I only really know one of his friends really well and who I wouldn't mind coming over.

The rest of his friends I have only met a handful of times, and these are friends that he befriended after we got together that he has met through his brother.

Whenever my partner visits these friends he will visit them alone (I'm not invited) so I don't think it's fair for them to be expected to be invited into my home.

If we ever did have a house together in both our names then I wouldn't have an issue with them coming over as of course we would both be entitled to have whoever we both please.

But until then I feel that he should entertain them at his own flat.

OP posts:
Olivie12 · 07/08/2024 10:21

I think it's normal to invite your family and friends to your partners house since I assume yours is bigger. Of course, it has to be with your agreement before hand.

Do you really see a future with him? Usually when you're in love you want his family to like you and you try to make it happen.

If in the future if you do buy a house together, he will have guests, parties, etc. I think you should revaluate your relationship if you're against it.

Watchkeys · 07/08/2024 10:22

@Catza

I do find it strange that you think having people for dinner is somehow weird

Lots of people don't like to invite people over, it's not uncommon. I might find it strange that you use fairy liquid (for example), but what would it matter? You don't live according to my template, and nobody but you needs to live by yours.

OP, there's nothing strange about not wanting to have people over. Your partner doesn't respect your wishes, so it's not much of a partnership, is it?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2024 10:23

We have been together for 5 years which has been very up and down.

Clearly. Just end it already.

Merryoldgoat · 07/08/2024 10:24

5 years of this bollocks?

WhimsicalGubbins76 · 07/08/2024 10:25

bubbly07 · 07/08/2024 10:20

We have been together for 5 years which has been very up and down.

For years I have asked him to rent a place together but he says he would be foolish to give up his council flat - which is a 2 bedroomed flat which was located to him in error.
I understand that.

He was expecting to move into my house and rent his flat out, but I told him I am not willing to do that and commit fraud.

I only really know one of his friends really well and who I wouldn't mind coming over.

The rest of his friends I have only met a handful of times, and these are friends that he befriended after we got together that he has met through his brother.

Whenever my partner visits these friends he will visit them alone (I'm not invited) so I don't think it's fair for them to be expected to be invited into my home.

If we ever did have a house together in both our names then I wouldn't have an issue with them coming over as of course we would both be entitled to have whoever we both please.

But until then I feel that he should entertain them at his own flat.

With this further information, no, he shouldn’t be inviting them to your home. You’ve been together 5 years and the only way he’s willing to live together is if he commits quite serious fraud.
He doesn’t sound like a keeper if I’m honest-but that’s a whole different issue. You seem to be content keeping things the way they are, so stand your ground. Your home is your home, it’s your space and your haven

GingerPirate · 07/08/2024 10:26

YANBU.
Your home, your rules.
I wouldn't have this for one minute, but everyone is different.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 07/08/2024 10:27

OP you need to take a step back and really look at your partner's attitude to you. He doesn't see you as an equal.
He visits HIS friends, without you, and wants to invite them back to YOUR house. In his head , What's yours is his, and what's his is his.
Unless you are really careful, you'll end up under his thumb.
His life carries on as if he was single, and you'll end up doing the heavy lifting.

Theoldbird · 07/08/2024 10:30

Whenever my partner visits these friends he will visit them alone (I'm not invited) so I don't think it's fair for them to be expected to be invited into my home.

Don't be with someone whose family treat you like this and he goes along with it.

Obimumkinobi · 07/08/2024 10:32

He wanted to commit fraud, he invites people to your house but you're not invited to theirs. Honestly, OP I'd having trouble working with bloke, nevermind calling him my partner. Understandably, you're already resentful of this pisstaker, so It doesn't seem like a match made in heaven. He won't change, so look for someone else more likeminded and enjoy a partnership.