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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner's friends/family in my home

82 replies

bubbly07 · 07/08/2024 09:58

So me and my partner have our own separate place, I live in a house and he lives in a flat in a tower block.

The main reason we don't have our own place together is because he refuses to give up his flat which he has had for over 15 years and it is rented through the council.
He will only do this when we are able to purchase a property in both our names.

Anyway I have just moved into a house through HA on a market rent scheme and he is now trying to invite his friends and family over which I really have an issue with and it starting to grate on me.

He is acting as if it his home despite having his own flat.

I have never been invited to any of his friends houses and one of his cousins has been rude to me in the past.

I don't want these people in my home.
I love my privacy and have never been the one to have social gatherings in my home.
.
His brother does not allow people in his home as he also likes his privacy and now all of a sudden my partner is wanting to invite him and his partner over for dinner.

I don't think I am being unreasonable but my partner is making me feel very bad about this.
I have never had my friends/family at his flat.

I have told him they will just have to visit him him in his own flat as my home is not a social club.
I barely know some of these people.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Maybebaby2025 · 07/08/2024 11:53

YANBU but it doesn’t seem like a relationship or partnership

Cherrysoup · 07/08/2024 11:53

It’s not his house, he doesn’t live there, he doesn’t have the right to invite people round. Tell him so.

GreenIvyy · 07/08/2024 11:59

I understand why he doesn’t want to give his council flat up. Housing for single males is hard to get. Sounds like the flats more important to him than you/buying a house together. Id tell him straight about the visitors. Hes being a right CF! I wonder if hes told them the house is both of yours? Anyhow, i hope he doesnt have a key?

Justsayit123 · 07/08/2024 12:07

He’s taking you for a ride! Dump him.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 07/08/2024 12:23

YANBU and I wouldn’t get any further into this relationship if it’s up and down now.
Also if there’s any drug use ( if, not saying there is) or anti social behaviour from these people at your house it comes down on you as the tenant. At worst you could be evicted for breaking the terms of your tenancy.

Ohiwish12 · 07/08/2024 12:25

Honestly you can do better. You can afford to rent a house alone anyway so your not tied to him financially. Are your morals really that low that you see a guy who is happy to commit fraud is your best chance in happiness. I couldn't be with someone like this. Seriously get rid!

pinkdelight · 08/08/2024 09:24

He will only do this when we are able to purchase a property in both our names.

That's not going to happen is it. He's got a council place, you've got a HA place, the relationship is up and down already, and he's an arse in several ways. Both of you should be hanging onto your secure rentals and forget about any pretence of planning to live together. It wouldn't happen without fraud and you want your own space anyway.

tuppennyworth · 08/08/2024 09:27

Just tell him no, it isn't happening. I wouldn't move in together either

NeedToChangeName · 08/08/2024 09:48

Doesn't sound like much of a relationship

Why are you together?

Mrssnee16 · 11/08/2024 13:45

Definitly not being unreasonable. If he wants to host his friends and family then he can in his own flat. I would also be thinking of future plans, as if you move in together and both be named on tenancy/mortgage, it could become difficult to stand your ground on who he invites in. Dont back down to his childish behaviour. Good luck

EatTheGnome · 11/08/2024 13:52

bubbly07 · 07/08/2024 10:20

We have been together for 5 years which has been very up and down.

For years I have asked him to rent a place together but he says he would be foolish to give up his council flat - which is a 2 bedroomed flat which was located to him in error.
I understand that.

He was expecting to move into my house and rent his flat out, but I told him I am not willing to do that and commit fraud.

I only really know one of his friends really well and who I wouldn't mind coming over.

The rest of his friends I have only met a handful of times, and these are friends that he befriended after we got together that he has met through his brother.

Whenever my partner visits these friends he will visit them alone (I'm not invited) so I don't think it's fair for them to be expected to be invited into my home.

If we ever did have a house together in both our names then I wouldn't have an issue with them coming over as of course we would both be entitled to have whoever we both please.

But until then I feel that he should entertain them at his own flat.

He just sounds like a massive taker.

Dump him and move forward.

Widower2014 · 11/08/2024 13:53

bubbly07 · 07/08/2024 09:58

So me and my partner have our own separate place, I live in a house and he lives in a flat in a tower block.

The main reason we don't have our own place together is because he refuses to give up his flat which he has had for over 15 years and it is rented through the council.
He will only do this when we are able to purchase a property in both our names.

Anyway I have just moved into a house through HA on a market rent scheme and he is now trying to invite his friends and family over which I really have an issue with and it starting to grate on me.

He is acting as if it his home despite having his own flat.

I have never been invited to any of his friends houses and one of his cousins has been rude to me in the past.

I don't want these people in my home.
I love my privacy and have never been the one to have social gatherings in my home.
.
His brother does not allow people in his home as he also likes his privacy and now all of a sudden my partner is wanting to invite him and his partner over for dinner.

I don't think I am being unreasonable but my partner is making me feel very bad about this.
I have never had my friends/family at his flat.

I have told him they will just have to visit him him in his own flat as my home is not a social club.
I barely know some of these people.

AIBU?

Why are you with him??
You don't seem to look like his family or friends
You don't seem to like him being at yours.
Get yourself a cat and then you won't have to worry about people in 'your space'

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/08/2024 13:57

YANBU.

I would really reconsider this relationship. He just wants, as you noted, to use your home as "a social club". If he wants his friends round, he can have them round at his place. Personally, I find it very suspicious that he wants to invite them to yours.

I hope he doesn't have a key?

OriginalUsername2 · 11/08/2024 14:14

Kindly, throw him back. This is not a good catch.

user1490652788 · 11/08/2024 14:41

Run as fast as you can and don't look back. This is not a relationship if this is the situation after 5 years. Simple as that.

Welshmonster · 12/08/2024 00:11

You already know that is committing fraud as he shouldn’t be in a two bed place as a single person.
if you lived together then he would have fre reign to invite everyone and their dog over and you never had any time.

I think you should find someone willing to commit.
don’t buy a house with him as he will probably make you pay all the bills

sunights · 12/08/2024 00:15

🚩

Bonbon249 · 12/08/2024 00:18

I'm with you OP, why is your partner treating your home like his own? Unless and until you live together (and let's face it that's unlikely) he doesn't get to invite people over to yours, especially if he will expect you to cook etc.

Winter2020 · 12/08/2024 00:25

bubbly07 · 07/08/2024 10:20

We have been together for 5 years which has been very up and down.

For years I have asked him to rent a place together but he says he would be foolish to give up his council flat - which is a 2 bedroomed flat which was located to him in error.
I understand that.

He was expecting to move into my house and rent his flat out, but I told him I am not willing to do that and commit fraud.

I only really know one of his friends really well and who I wouldn't mind coming over.

The rest of his friends I have only met a handful of times, and these are friends that he befriended after we got together that he has met through his brother.

Whenever my partner visits these friends he will visit them alone (I'm not invited) so I don't think it's fair for them to be expected to be invited into my home.

If we ever did have a house together in both our names then I wouldn't have an issue with them coming over as of course we would both be entitled to have whoever we both please.

But until then I feel that he should entertain them at his own flat.

I think if he likes to invite people over and socialise and you don't and don't want to meet or get to know his family and friends then you might not be compatible. If you don't want to know his social circle now I can't see why that would change if you live together and that would be unpleasant for both of you.

MSLRT · 12/08/2024 07:52

I wouldn’t buy a house with this man in fact I wouldn’t even have a relationship with him. He sounds awful and you sound too nice to waste your life on him.

Dinkydo12 · 12/08/2024 10:07

Just say no after you have said it a few times he should get the message. If he dies invite anyone over make sure you are out and they cannot get in. Whatever you do font give him a key!

Shoxfordian · 12/08/2024 10:13

It doesn't sound like much of a relationship. Why are you bothering?

Sporadica · 12/08/2024 10:18

For years I have asked him to rent a place together but he says he would be foolish to give up his council flat - which is a 2 bedroomed flat which was located to him in error.

Geez, I hope Nigel Farage doesn't find out!

CultOfRamen · 12/08/2024 10:18

bubbly07 · 07/08/2024 10:20

We have been together for 5 years which has been very up and down.

For years I have asked him to rent a place together but he says he would be foolish to give up his council flat - which is a 2 bedroomed flat which was located to him in error.
I understand that.

He was expecting to move into my house and rent his flat out, but I told him I am not willing to do that and commit fraud.

I only really know one of his friends really well and who I wouldn't mind coming over.

The rest of his friends I have only met a handful of times, and these are friends that he befriended after we got together that he has met through his brother.

Whenever my partner visits these friends he will visit them alone (I'm not invited) so I don't think it's fair for them to be expected to be invited into my home.

If we ever did have a house together in both our names then I wouldn't have an issue with them coming over as of course we would both be entitled to have whoever we both please.

But until then I feel that he should entertain them at his own flat.

So he has a council flat, that he’s not entitled to as it was given to him in error. Rather than exchange it for a one bedroom which is all he needs he has an empty room at the expense of, most likely a single
mother or young family.
and on top of that he wants access to your house to entertain when ever he feels like it?
he sounds entitled, greedy and exactly the sort of person who is willing the rinse the system at the expense of everyone else.

what exactly do you see in him???

Princessbananahamock · 12/08/2024 10:50

Well he can’t sublet his flat he can however have a lodger who he will charge more than the rent plus utilities. I bet he has thought of that, whilst probably cocklodging at yours! I don’t think you’re compatible your home is your sanctuary and private safe space. You have never had much interaction with his family friends so big red flag there.