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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner's friends/family in my home

82 replies

bubbly07 · 07/08/2024 09:58

So me and my partner have our own separate place, I live in a house and he lives in a flat in a tower block.

The main reason we don't have our own place together is because he refuses to give up his flat which he has had for over 15 years and it is rented through the council.
He will only do this when we are able to purchase a property in both our names.

Anyway I have just moved into a house through HA on a market rent scheme and he is now trying to invite his friends and family over which I really have an issue with and it starting to grate on me.

He is acting as if it his home despite having his own flat.

I have never been invited to any of his friends houses and one of his cousins has been rude to me in the past.

I don't want these people in my home.
I love my privacy and have never been the one to have social gatherings in my home.
.
His brother does not allow people in his home as he also likes his privacy and now all of a sudden my partner is wanting to invite him and his partner over for dinner.

I don't think I am being unreasonable but my partner is making me feel very bad about this.
I have never had my friends/family at his flat.

I have told him they will just have to visit him him in his own flat as my home is not a social club.
I barely know some of these people.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BrightYellowStar · 07/08/2024 10:35

I think you need to forgot about the visits for now and look at the relationship. It does not seem like you two are operating like a happy couple. I'd bin him off.

Iamnotalemming · 07/08/2024 10:40

Some red flags here IMO. This is not about being social or not. This is him taking you and your property for granted.
It's your home, he doesn't get to dictate what happens there, who spends time there or anything else. I'd be pissed off if my DH invited strangers round without consulting me, let alone a BF who doesn't live with me.

Catza · 07/08/2024 10:41

Watchkeys · 07/08/2024 10:22

@Catza

I do find it strange that you think having people for dinner is somehow weird

Lots of people don't like to invite people over, it's not uncommon. I might find it strange that you use fairy liquid (for example), but what would it matter? You don't live according to my template, and nobody but you needs to live by yours.

OP, there's nothing strange about not wanting to have people over. Your partner doesn't respect your wishes, so it's not much of a partnership, is it?

Not really what I said, was it. There is nothing strange in not wanting people in your house. It is strange not to realise that for a lot of people it is not a weird thing to do.
It is also strange for many posters insisting the OP's partner is an arsehole just because he wants to invite his brother and wife for dinner. There is nothing to indicate that anyone entered the property without OP's permission. She said her partner "keeps trying to invite" which could mean absolutely anything from "you are a horrible person for not wanting to host my brother" to "can you please tell me why it makes you feel uncomfortable, I want to understand your point of view" to even "hey, shall we have my brother for dinner this weekend"

Inertia · 07/08/2024 10:42

YANBU. He entertains his family and friends at his own flat.

The whole relationship sounds like a bit of a battle though. Do you want a lifetime of this?

Borninabarn32 · 07/08/2024 10:43

How is it even happening that he's inviting people to a house he doesn't even live in. Is he telling you he's coming to yours to hang out with his friends or is he coming to yours to see you then his mates turn up? It's not his house, it's so wierd to be inviting guests to someone else's house

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/08/2024 10:43

You are not being unreasonable. Its your home, not his and he has his own home. You shouldn't have to give a reason.

Its not clear from your post whether he is
1) just thinking about it and asking you if he can invite them,
or
2) if he's telling you that he's already invited them and just letting you know the date and assuming you will agree to it.

I think that the first Is understandable... It's part of communication between a couple. he won't know how you feel about it unless he asks, but then one would hope he'd listen to your answer and accept it without arguing.

The second is completely unacceptable.

As a pp said... has he said who is expected to buy the food, cook the food and clear up afterwards? Is he proposing a convenient date.. It would be interesting to see what his expectations are.

Another thing that rings a few alarm bells is that he frequently meets up with them, but you have never, in five years been invited. Why?
Is it something to do with him wanting them to give opinions on your place and whether he should give up his place and move in? It feels a bit rum to invite a group of people who are strangers to you. (sorry just read that it is his brother and wife - but he could invite you to meet them at theirs or in a neutral place first)

If he really wants them to meet you, why can't he organise a less formal meet up in a nearby pub or restaurant? That would be much easier all round. He must know that you like your privacy. Why try to force this when it's by far the easiest option and perhaps if you had met them ( or rather socialised with them a few times) and it went well you would be more inclined to consider inviting them.

Re the flat. I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable with his solution to the flat situation, illegally renting his council flat and moving in with you. I'd research the penalties and whether you could also be legally liable to strengthen your refusal. It's not a great suggestion, character-wise.

LlynTegid · 07/08/2024 10:44

Reasonable not to host social gatherings and want to meet elsewhere. I am of the same view because of space.

Agree with others about the wider relationship issues.

Hoppinggreen · 07/08/2024 10:46

You describe them as HIS friends and family and the whole relationship doesn't sound great to be honest.
Why do you wnaat to be with him?

VisitationRights · 07/08/2024 10:47

I find it very strange that he thinks he is entitled to open your home to his friends and family. If he wants to host he does it in his apartment. Should you decide to have people over then you get to decided who will be there. You need to set very certain boundaries with him.

ByCupidStunt · 07/08/2024 10:52

Do you and your partner have an open and honest relationship?

LookItsMeAgain · 07/08/2024 10:53

You need to have a conversation with your partner saying that this is not their home, it is YOUR home and you've been abiding by their rules about not having friends/family to visit until you BOTH could afford to buy a property of your own together. This is not that property. Your partner must be told that. They do not have any rights to invite anyone, not even the King/Queen/Pope/Dalai Lama to come to your home. No one.

See what happens then.

I have a feeling that this relationship may have run its course. I hope I'm wrong but when clear boundaries are being trampled over, that's usually a sign.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 07/08/2024 10:53

Inertia · 07/08/2024 10:42

YANBU. He entertains his family and friends at his own flat.

The whole relationship sounds like a bit of a battle though. Do you want a lifetime of this?

This sums it up for me.

I can’t see why you are holding onto this one when most women would have thrown him back in.

Beeinalily · 07/08/2024 10:55

Could you start inviting your friends and family to his flat to see how he takes it?

Bananalanacake · 07/08/2024 10:56

Why do you want to live together anyway if your relationship is very up and down, much better to keep your own space

NancyJoan · 07/08/2024 11:03

I don't want these people in my home.
I love my privacy and have never been the one to have social gatherings in my home.

If we ever did have a house together in both our names then I wouldn't have an issue with them coming over as of course we would both be entitled to have whoever we both please.

These two things cannot both be true. Really, have a think about what it would be like to live together, with him having people over every weekend, and a couple of nights a week.

Carebearsonmybed · 07/08/2024 11:09

He's not a partner.

You're just a hole he fucks.

Why don't women realise how much contempt men have for them?

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 07/08/2024 11:10

He wants to illegally sublet his flat. And if you allow him to move in he will take you down with him when he gets caught.

CowTown · 07/08/2024 11:18

It’s a hard no from me.

BogRollBOGOF · 07/08/2024 11:20

There's not much mutual partnership going on here. He likes things on his own terms for his own benefit and doesn't care much about the impact on others.

He's chosen to retain his flat, therefore that's his home for his social life. It's strange that 5 years in, your social and family lives are not more integrated.

You have your mind on moving closer as a partnership in the future. He's happy with his own life. These do not sound like compatible directions for a happy relationship long term.

The risk is that you can waste years of your life on him hoping for a future together while he keeps stalling on distant promises, and suddenly he'll find an alternative offer, change direction and leave you with little to show for the years together.

PollyPeachum · 07/08/2024 11:24

Partner? Almost a friend + Sex.
Back to the apps OP. Better Luck next time

MounjaroUser · 07/08/2024 11:24

I don't like the sound of him! You're not invited to events he goes to but you're expected to have these people to your place when your boyfriend has a place of his own? No way.

I'd be reconsidering things, tbh.

Whalewatching · 07/08/2024 11:28

Hang on. You’re not invited to spend time with his friends but he wants to use your facilities to entertain them at your place? It’s a nope from me.

Have you given him a key?

StormingNorman · 07/08/2024 11:30

You are not unreasonable but I do think you need to consider whether the two of you are compatible living together. He likes an open house and you don’t.

Olika · 07/08/2024 11:33

I fail to understand why you are with him in the first place. Just end it.

KreedKafer · 07/08/2024 11:34

We have been together for 5 years which has been very up and down

My guess is that when you say 'very up and down' you mean that he treats you like shit interspersed with occasional moments where he claims to love you.

Honestly, he sounds fucking awful. He has his own flat and he can invite his mates there. Your home isn't his home and he shouldn't be using it like some kind of cafe-bar to meet up with his friends and family.