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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at the message?

89 replies

ToadstoolFairy · 06/08/2024 14:52

Last night I sent my DM a couple of photos I had taken of her and my DC after a day out. This is fairly normal; I frequently send her pictures of my children, including candid ones I take of her and DC.

She instantly told me to delete them, saying she didn’t like the way she looked (she’s had a hang up about her appearance for as long as I can remember). I replied saying that she looked lovely and reassured her that she’d be glad I took these photos for her to look back on in 10+ years time (I have few photos of me and my DC and they’re very small so figured she’d have the same mindset in years to come.)

Anyway, I unsent the message with the photos on and she asked, and left it. She then replies by sending a video of me that she took at the beginning of the year - just a standard video of me with my DC at soft play. With all the unattractive angles - double chin, stomach rolls, the works. I remember watching that video back that day and voicing how upset I felt at the way I looked; I’ve gained an awful lot of weight since having my youngest DC and have been trying hard to lose it. It was almost like a “oh s*- have I gotten that big?” moment. However I did thank her for snapping photos and videos etc. because I don’t get many. Completely forgot it existed until now tbh.

I asked her “did you send that on purpose because you didn’t like the photos I sent of you?” And she replied “correct.” And then said something sarcastic along the lines of ‘tit for tat. You like the photos of me and DC, and I like the video.” I was instantly upset and told her I thought she was being deliberately nasty, and how I hadn’t send those photos over to be horrible at all. Then she did the usual back peddling, telling me “I thought you’d laugh. I’m not getting into an argument.”

Maybe I am being unreasonable, but it felt very vindictive of her to actively search for that video and send it in an attempt for me to feel badly about myself (she knew that video was a hard watch for me, especially when I’m trying my hardest to get comfortable in my new body etc) just because she did. And then be sarcastic about it, and then accuse me of overreacting.

OP posts:
ToothPickk · 06/08/2024 14:55

Here's where you went wrong:

reassured her that she’d be glad I took these photos for her to look back on in 10+ years time

That's not your decision to make. She didn't like the photos of herself and that's ok. You preaching that she would thank you made her remember the time you hated your video, so she found it and sent it to remind you.

Original poster
ToadstoolFairy · 06/08/2024 15:00

ToothPickk · 06/08/2024 14:55

Here's where you went wrong:

reassured her that she’d be glad I took these photos for her to look back on in 10+ years time

That's not your decision to make. She didn't like the photos of herself and that's ok. You preaching that she would thank you made her remember the time you hated your video, so she found it and sent it to remind you.

I hadn’t thought of it like that, thank you. I didn’t mean to preach to her, I just find it upsetting myself that I don’t have many photos of me and my DC and maybe she’d change her mind in years to come. And I meant no harm in sending the photos to her - her response felt very spiteful and purposeful.

OP posts:
ToothPickk · 06/08/2024 15:05

Of course you never, but when she asked for them to be deleted thats OK. We all have flaws we don't like to see.

GreyCarpet · 06/08/2024 15:10

It sounded to.me that she didn't like the fact you were dismissive of her and sent that video to remind you that you don't always like the way you look although it was still a video she loved. Inagree it was rude of you to say she'd love the photo in 10+ years. It's not your place to say.

If you want people to be considerate of your feelings, you also need to he considerate of theirs. Her response was purposeful. Its purpose was to make you understand this.

Although, I'm sure you'll have some people coming along to tell you she's a 'narc' before long 🙄

BetteLaSwet · 06/08/2024 15:21

Well now you know how she felt - but you chided her and said she’d appreciate them in years to come. Do you feel the same about that video?

Maybe you weren’t listening to her so she thought actions might speak louder. She got her point across, to be fair.

KrisAkabusi · 06/08/2024 15:26

She asked you to delete messages because she didn't like the way she looked. You then argued with her about it. So she replied with photos where you didn't like the way you looked. You think she's vindictive, she's pointing out your hypocrisy.

Original poster
ToadstoolFairy · 06/08/2024 15:27

Thank you for the responses - it’s given me stuff to think about for sure.

I think it’s best I just don’t take any photos of her with DC anymore. It’s always well-wished but she clearly doesn’t like being in them and I have to respect that.

It did sting with the choice of video though - my two kids were just tootling about in the background and she’d deliberately zoomed in on me- you know the ones you do when you’re with friends to wind them up, whereas I thought I saw a nice photo opportunity and took it.

Ho hum. Now I know.

OP posts:
OrangeSlices998 · 06/08/2024 15:30

Sorry I think she was awful, it’s one thing to have feelings about a photo of yourself but spitefully reminding you of a video that she knows you don’t like how you look in - that’s just unkind. There was no need to make you feel like shit IMO.

Original poster
ToadstoolFairy · 06/08/2024 15:30

KrisAkabusi · 06/08/2024 15:26

She asked you to delete messages because she didn't like the way she looked. You then argued with her about it. So she replied with photos where you didn't like the way you looked. You think she's vindictive, she's pointing out your hypocrisy.

I never argued with her, I just tried to encourage her to consider how she’d feel about the photos in years time when the DC had grown. I think we’ve all had photos taken where we think “oh Christ, look at me” but then looked at it years down the line and felt differently. And especially because it was a family photo, I thought she’d like it.

I hardly think I’m going to look back in ten years and think “I’m so glad I have the zoomed-in video of my face at soft play.” 🙄

OP posts:
NotWhiteIsAColour · 06/08/2024 15:31

It all depends on what your relationship with your mother is like but it doesn't necessarily sound like she meant to be nasty. I think she sent that video to explain how she feels, to help her make the point. She probably felt you didn't understand and therefore dismissed her feelings. Who knows? She might be grateful ten years from now to have those photos with the kids but right now just accept it when she doesn't want to see photos of herself or for them to be circulated.

TheRestIsEntertainment · 06/08/2024 15:32

Wow no YANBU, what a total dick move on her part!

"I felt embarrassed by the photos, so I'm going to remind you of a time YOU felt embarrassed"

I can't understand why her mind would even go there.

I take the point that perhaps she felt it hypocritical but a normal person would just send a normal reply rather than drag the other person down too.

ToothPickk · 06/08/2024 15:32

The way you have just described the video is not how you first described it. You now say she zoomed in in a way to wind you up (could be nasty). You initially said:

just a standard video of me with my DC at soft play

Which one is it?

KrisAkabusi · 06/08/2024 15:33

You've gone from:
She then replies by sending a video of me that she took at the beginning of the year - just a standard video of me with my DC at soft play.

to

she’d deliberately zoomed in on me- you know the ones you do when you’re with friends to wind them up

to make her seem worse now that most replies are that you were in the wrong.

ToothPickk · 06/08/2024 15:33

KrisAkabusi · 06/08/2024 15:33

You've gone from:
She then replies by sending a video of me that she took at the beginning of the year - just a standard video of me with my DC at soft play.

to

she’d deliberately zoomed in on me- you know the ones you do when you’re with friends to wind them up

to make her seem worse now that most replies are that you were in the wrong.

Exactly what I thought too.

EatTheGnome · 06/08/2024 15:33

The problem was that you argued and told her how to feel. Saying se will be glad of the pictures was totally the wrong call. The right thing to say would be "of course, no problem at all x"

Original poster
ToadstoolFairy · 06/08/2024 15:35

NotWhiteIsAColour · 06/08/2024 15:31

It all depends on what your relationship with your mother is like but it doesn't necessarily sound like she meant to be nasty. I think she sent that video to explain how she feels, to help her make the point. She probably felt you didn't understand and therefore dismissed her feelings. Who knows? She might be grateful ten years from now to have those photos with the kids but right now just accept it when she doesn't want to see photos of herself or for them to be circulated.

Relationship with DM has always been a bit complicated and ‘gaslighty’ tbh. But we’re trying to move past it and grow etc.

I know, maybe she did feel dismissed. And I never meant to shut her down; I came from a genuine place of love. Body issues aren’t nice.

Photos were sent in a private chat between me and her, I’d never upload them to social media or anywhere else because I know she’s self-conscious.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 06/08/2024 15:35

It was a dick move from your mum both times.

Original poster
ToadstoolFairy · 06/08/2024 15:36

KrisAkabusi · 06/08/2024 15:33

You've gone from:
She then replies by sending a video of me that she took at the beginning of the year - just a standard video of me with my DC at soft play.

to

she’d deliberately zoomed in on me- you know the ones you do when you’re with friends to wind them up

to make her seem worse now that most replies are that you were in the wrong.

I wasn’t trying to make her seem worse at all - just making a point to another reply that it wasn’t a video I’d look back and treasure. 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
ToadstoolFairy · 06/08/2024 15:39

To clear it up. The video was of me and my DC at soft play. Shows them playing around, then pans to me, zooms in really close. I laugh and tell her to ‘sod off’ or something.

I didn’t burn her at the stake for taking it. Nor am I trying to change the light of it.

OP posts:
Itiswhysofew · 06/08/2024 15:40

It's hurtful when mothers do things like that.

My DM said something to me a couple of years ago that really upset me. It came from out of the blue, and seemed like she was lashing out. I was probably getting in her nerves🤷🏼‍♀️

Ponkpinkpink15 · 06/08/2024 15:43

ToadstoolFairy · 06/08/2024 15:30

I never argued with her, I just tried to encourage her to consider how she’d feel about the photos in years time when the DC had grown. I think we’ve all had photos taken where we think “oh Christ, look at me” but then looked at it years down the line and felt differently. And especially because it was a family photo, I thought she’d like it.

I hardly think I’m going to look back in ten years and think “I’m so glad I have the zoomed-in video of my face at soft play.” 🙄

Show quote history

@ToadstoolFairy

i don't think YOU have done anything wrong.

your Mum has, she was deliberately being hurtful sending you that video in the way she did. Had she sent it with a note to say. This is the video you didn't like if you, how about we both just put them away & sometime in the future we might be glad to have them - that would have been different.

i have a friend that sends me the most unflattering photos of a set of photos & it pisses me off, but I keep them because (like you) I've looked back on photos (from others!!) & liked the photos much more than I did at the time! Also because my memory is rubbish & they remind me of events.

dont stop taking photos of your Mum & don't delete any you have. You & your children will be glad to have them one day. Ask her if she wants you to send her them or not, she can delete them or just 'store' them until the time comes she's glad to have them to look back on.

pinkducky · 06/08/2024 15:46

You tried to do something nice by sending her photos. She responded by deliberately trying to upset you. Your intent was good, hers was bad. It was nasty of her, and really quite childish.

Take the high road.

...but if you decide not to, have those photos of her made into sofa cushions and display them next time she comes round 😂

Coconutter24 · 06/08/2024 15:47

Over reaction from MIL considering you already deleted the photos. Maybe she didn’t like being told how she’d feel in the future about photos she didn’t like her appearance in. I can see by your reply to her it was obviously to make her feel better about the photos/her appearance. I wouldn’t stop taking the pictures though unless she specifically said “do not take my picture!” The children will also enjoy looking at these photos with their grandparent in years to come

BadNeighbour101 · 06/08/2024 15:49

You dismissed her feelings, she made a point.

It's a bit harsh, but now you get it, so it worked. She is allowed to be as upset about the photos, without you lecturing her about it, as you are about the video.

WhereIsMyWhippetAndFlatcap · 06/08/2024 16:10

If you frequently send her candid photos of her and the kids then I'm assuming she's usually ok with you taking her photos? And as you do it frequently it's not like there isn't many of her.

You should have just done as she asked and deleted the photos instead of telling her she will be thankful for them, esp has you do it often. Have you actually deleted them or just "unsent" the message.

My own mother really doesn't like candid photos taken of her and asks for people not to, I appreciate that's different to you because it sounds like your mum doesn't mind, but a couple of my siblings ignore her and take them anyway and will use the same "you'll be thankful for them in years to come" The kids are now late teens and when my brother and sister start showing photos, my mum actually isn't thankful and still hates the photo. She still has the flood of negative feelings about how she looks and thinks it's horrible angles too.

I can totally understand why you feel hurt by your mum sending you that video, but you sounded dismissive of her not liking how she looked in the photos, so she's been dismissive of you back. In what sounds like a clumsy attempt to get you to understand and like you'd laugh and realise where she was coming from as you feel the same about that video.