AIBU to be upset at the message?

[ToadstoolFairy]

Last night I sent my DM a couple of photos I had taken of her and my DC after a day out. This is fairly normal; I frequently send her pictures of my children, including candid ones I take of her and DC.

She instantly told me to delete them, saying she didn’t like the way she looked (she’s had a hang up about her appearance for as long as I can remember). I replied saying that she looked lovely and reassured her that she’d be glad I took these photos for her to look back on in 10+ years time (I have few photos of me and my DC and they’re very small so figured she’d have the same mindset in years to come.)

Anyway, I unsent the message with the photos on and she asked, and left it. She then replies by sending a video of me that she took at the beginning of the year - just a standard video of me with my DC at soft play. With all the unattractive angles - double chin, stomach rolls, the works. I remember watching that video back that day and voicing how upset I felt at the way I looked; I’ve gained an awful lot of weight since having my youngest DC and have been trying hard to lose it. It was almost like a “oh s*- have I gotten that big?” moment. However I did thank her for snapping photos and videos etc. because I don’t get many. Completely forgot it existed until now tbh.

I asked her “did you send that on purpose because you didn’t like the photos I sent of you?” And she replied “correct.” And then said something sarcastic along the lines of ‘tit for tat. You like the photos of me and DC, and I like the video.” I was instantly upset and told her I thought she was being deliberately nasty, and how I hadn’t send those photos over to be horrible at all. Then she did the usual back peddling, telling me “I thought you’d laugh. I’m not getting into an argument.”

Maybe I am being unreasonable, but it felt very vindictive of her to actively search for that video and send it in an attempt for me to feel badly about myself (she knew that video was a hard watch for me, especially when I’m trying my hardest to get comfortable in my new body etc) just because she did. And then be sarcastic about it, and then accuse me of overreacting.

Hey, sorry maybe I should have been more clear - I mostly send her photos of mainly my DC as I don’t spend that much time with DM - hence why I thought a quick picture would be a nice memory so to speak. She’s normally okay with the photos, for example last year I did a video compilation of photos and video clips of all their memories throughout 2023 - with music and everything, proper little influencer I’m trying to be - it was sent privately as it always is and theh bloody loved it. Told me they watched it over and over again and cried.

I don’t take candids of just her as she’s camera shy, as am I tbh and I just know she wouldn’t like. Just photos of her and my DC. She was smiling in the photo as I did the whole “smile, girls!” thing to my DC so she knew I was taking it. And I did delete it as soon as she asked - from messenger. I didn’t delete it off of my own private album as I don’t feel that’s for her to say. I’m not going to share them to anyone, especially as I don’t show my DC on social media. I suppose I’ve always had the view of ‘you never know what tomorrow will bring’ and so a photo of my folks and DC would be something I would look back on.

Don't take any more photos of her and your kids. If she wants them let her take them herself. Never voice an insecurity around her again she's harbouring them to use against you. If she was my mum I'd have my guard up from now on.

That's not quite the point and is also a bit vindictive to say I won't take any pictures of her and the DCs, just be mindful that if she doesn't look good in a picture don't send her that one, find one she does look good in (and I'm sure you know the difference). You may want to look back at pictures of her with your DCs in the future or they may want to when she may not be around any more.

She had a point but the way she went about making it was a nasty move.

Take photos of her and your kids for you and your kids to look back on in the future.

I don’t think this was nice behaviour from your mother but learn your lesson never to send a photo to her with her in it again and cut down on contact - just be civil (talks from experience)

Well in all fairness at this point in time I’m not even sure what constitutes a good photo or a bad photo. Like I said, she was smiling in said photo and was enjoying a day out. Not bent over or pulling a silly face mid-sentence or one where her top’s riding up or whatever. There was no malice on my part. Genuinely just trying to do a nice thing.

My sister is always doing this, sending me supposedly lovely photos of me or posting them on her Facebook and when I complain, as they always seem to be ones taken from a very unflattering angle, with double chin, big stomach sticking out etc she acts all hurt and tells me how great I look (usually with a big grin on her face) when we both know I look terrible. I got so sick of it that I felt like posting a photo of her that I knew she'd hate, but I stopped myself and told her in no uncertain terms not to ever put photos of me on Facebook again. I'm not vain, I just hate how I look in photos, it makes me feel really miserable and I can understand your mum being upset.

Exactly. You don’t get to determine her eventual verdict on photos she felt made her look terrible.

Your mother is immature and rude. Don't bother sending her pictures ever again. Keep them for yourself.

In my opinion.

I don't think you should question why some one feels bad. I'm thin and have a lovely figure, I have bloated days where I feel uncomfortable and my fit in my clothes are snug to say the least, when I say I feel bloated and get the response, ach, there's nothing to you, it makes me want to to that persons head off.

Maybe you should have replied with ok, I think you look lovely but yes I'll delete them.
When she sent the video you don't like, maybe you should have replied. Thanks.

That way there would be no hard feelings and the less said the easier mended....
I wish I still had my mum to send her photos of my children that she didn't get to meet. 😭

Agreed x

You don't have to delete the actual photos you just don't share them. They're your photos. If you want to keep them then keep them stored in your photo store. I'd have just deleted them from the message I sent her

I can 100% understand my mum being upset with a photo she didn’t like - I’m exactly the same. It’s mortifying. But I didn’t upload the photo to Facebook - I’ve never done that because that is a REAL dick move.

I deleted the photo on our chat as soon as she asked and I just tried to make her feel better I suppose by mentioning the ten years time thing. Which I realise now was a big mistake.

Her response was still nasty IMO. There are other ways she could have made her point - even saying “there are photos/videos of you that you don’t like” instead of sending me a particularly triggering one and being sarcastic about it.

I agree it was a nasty move. I probably would have said something like " I didn't send you the photo to deliberately upset you where as you were being deliberately nasty in sending that and I'm sad that you dislike me so much to enjoy upsetting me". I'd not be seeing much of a mother like that.

I think you were unintentionally rude and you did dismiss her feelings initially, but she was intentionally mean and spiteful. There was a way to express to you how she felt without ripping you down too.

Intent matters. It really does. You sent what you thought were nice memories of her and her grandchildren for her to enjoy. You missed the mark with the "you'll thank me in 10 years" line but you weren't intentionally cruel. She sent something that she knew would upset and hurt you, with the only intent being to upset and hurt you. I think that's very cruel and spiteful.

"Mum, I'm sorry I upset you by arguing when you asked me to delete the photos, that was wrong of me to dismiss your feelings and I wasn't thinking. I need you to understand though that they weren't sent with ill intent or to make you feel bad, I genuinely just thought you'd want to see photos of you and the kids having fun together. You sent me that video out of spite and malice knowing that it would make me feel bad about myself, and it's really upset me that you'd deliberately hurt me like that when you know better than anyone how hard it is to deal with poor self image."

@ToadstoolFairy Everyone makes mistakes and some people get upset more easily than others. Obviously, your mum sounds very sensitive about photos of herself, as am I. Just gloss over this and put it down to experience. Buy her a bunch of flowers when you next see her, mums are precious, I wish I still had mine.

Her response was still nasty IMO.

Because she thought you had been nasty, even though that wasn't your intention. You both made your point, it won't make either of you feel good to hold a grudge.

This has been the most helpful comment on the thread. I understand now that I completely missed the mark in trying to make her see things differently but there was no ill intent.

Thank you.

YABVU but thoughless rather than rude.....but your Mum used her words to you and you brushed them aside....so she escalated. I'd have escalated too.

I disagree. She wanted you to understand how she felt. Words didn't do it because you ignored them.

Use it as inspiration to lose weight and get healthy so that you don't have to worry what you look like in photos and videos. Even better if your mother wants to do the same as you can support each other.

Go away.

I agree with you tbh - in 10+ years she will probably be happy you took the photos. But she won’t be able to see that now.

When my children were younger, I hated having my picture taken. I thought I was fat (oh, how I wish I’d realised I wasn’t), and I have a curved spine which gives me a horrible hunched up look in certain positions.

Anyway, when my eldest was 6, my partner at the time took a pic of me with her in Boscastle that I absolutely hated. I thought I looked fat, and you can clearly see that I have an issue with my back from the way I was stood. After that, I rarely had my photo taken, but when I came across it a couple of years ago, I realised it wasn’t a hideous picture at all. We looked so happy, and compared to now, I was so thin!

Seeing it made me realise I’d made a big mistake by not being in more pictures with my kids. My eldest is now almost 21, and we always try to document our adventures as a family wherever we go. I still hate how I look, but I no longer worry about it. I’d much rather the little ones have photos of us to look back on when I’m gone 😊

YNBU, your mother was so spiteful to do that!