AIBU to be upset at the message?

[ToadstoolFairy]

Last night I sent my DM a couple of photos I had taken of her and my DC after a day out. This is fairly normal; I frequently send her pictures of my children, including candid ones I take of her and DC.

She instantly told me to delete them, saying she didn’t like the way she looked (she’s had a hang up about her appearance for as long as I can remember). I replied saying that she looked lovely and reassured her that she’d be glad I took these photos for her to look back on in 10+ years time (I have few photos of me and my DC and they’re very small so figured she’d have the same mindset in years to come.)

Anyway, I unsent the message with the photos on and she asked, and left it. She then replies by sending a video of me that she took at the beginning of the year - just a standard video of me with my DC at soft play. With all the unattractive angles - double chin, stomach rolls, the works. I remember watching that video back that day and voicing how upset I felt at the way I looked; I’ve gained an awful lot of weight since having my youngest DC and have been trying hard to lose it. It was almost like a “oh s*- have I gotten that big?” moment. However I did thank her for snapping photos and videos etc. because I don’t get many. Completely forgot it existed until now tbh.

I asked her “did you send that on purpose because you didn’t like the photos I sent of you?” And she replied “correct.” And then said something sarcastic along the lines of ‘tit for tat. You like the photos of me and DC, and I like the video.” I was instantly upset and told her I thought she was being deliberately nasty, and how I hadn’t send those photos over to be horrible at all. Then she did the usual back peddling, telling me “I thought you’d laugh. I’m not getting into an argument.”

Maybe I am being unreasonable, but it felt very vindictive of her to actively search for that video and send it in an attempt for me to feel badly about myself (she knew that video was a hard watch for me, especially when I’m trying my hardest to get comfortable in my new body etc) just because she did. And then be sarcastic about it, and then accuse me of overreacting.

You didn’t wish to respect her view of her not liking the images but want her to respect,you not liking yours; the apple didn’t fall far from the tree and you’re displaying double standards.

Or point out your own hypocrisy?

Your mum was mean and immature. I’m surprised at how many people think your response was so bad. The photo was only shared privately so no excuse for her nasty response.

This tit for tat behavior is not normal in a parent child relationship—in a loving relationship. If you assume that its not, of course, it makes perfect sense. But its highly volatile and unpleasant behavior from the mother and that is not ok. All the “explaining” that the mother was “just upset” is basically normalizing her behavior. And normalizing it is excusing it as necessary/rational/reasonable. Its not necessary/rational/reasonable for the mother to lash out at her daughter in this way and to use shame as her mode of communication and control. She can use her words to make herself understood.

I think it’s best I just don’t take any photos of her with DC anymore. It’s always well-wished but she clearly doesn’t like being in them and I have to respect that

Are you always so childish?

Your Mum didn't like a photo

You decided to be disrespectful and ignore her feelings

Now you're being all huffy about future photos

🙄

It's a long way from ideal, mature communication. It's also human - people sometimes lash out when they're hurt or angry just like grown adults sometimes run roughshod over others' feelings because they think they know better. In this case it sounds like OP's mum overreacted to feeling patronized or dismissed by OP's words. Could she have articulated that in a much better way? Absolutely. But most people aren't primed to verbalize more of their feelings to someone who has just brushed them off like that.

Maybe OP doesn't care why her mum might have done what she did or how OP may have contributed to this communcation failure and just wants to play a zero-sum blame game. If so there are plenty of responses here calling DM names to validate that. I've never found that approach to be terribly helpful in relationships so I tried to offer more nuance. OP can take it or leave it.

This reminds me of a time me and a friend went on a beach holiday to Spain. When uploading holiday pics to Facebook I’d carefully selected the most flattering pics of her, when she uploaded my pics she clearly just stuck all of them on there.

So there would be like 3 shots of me in the same spot for example - one blinking, one with my mouth open as if I was talking and the other one I’d be ready, still and smiling. Common sense and decency to just post the last one but she’d post the whole lot.

I asked her to take the rubbish ones down, she did but made patronising comments about me being too fussy and self conscious and she pointed out how she’d never objected to any of the shots I’d posted of her.

She obviously just thought she was super photogenic and never took a bad pic since I’d only ever posted nice pics of her.

The next day I updated the FB holiday album with ALL the pics of her. Within hours she’s texted me asking for me to take them down 😬 she learnt her lesson!

So yeah I can see where your Mum is coming from. That said I was in my mid 20s and that was an interaction between me and a friend of similar age. Different from mother /daughter relationship.

I don't know if it's a narc or not (eye roll back to that clearly smart pp) but I sure can see that what she did was nasty and spiteful. And when it's a mother doing it to her own daughter, alarms start ringing.

What a spiteful response from your mum.

Sure I totally get that she didn't like the photos of her - but I'm honestly confused with some of the responses here. This is what's called a conversation and is completely normal between people that like each other?! You send a photo, she says ugh I hate it, delete it, you say aw but I like it! Sure you'll change your mind in 10 years but I'll delete it anyway.

Her sending something back to you is spiteful and I'm sorry, not at all the same as some of the things people are posting. This was a text between the two of you, not you posting something she didn't like for everyone to see.

I'd be very upset, but then again I can't actually imagine my mum behaving like this.

She sounds like a b*h like my mother.

The only little thing I disagree with on your OP is you saying something along the lines of ‘she’ll look back and not mind the pics in ten years ..’

And please don’t take offence but the other mns have a point as we can’t be ok and say that and then not like the pics taken of us (video in your case)

However I’m still biased towards you and not her … why? because she’s the MOTHER and should be the bigger person .. she didn’t NEED to send that video to you .. it’s a bitchy mean girl thing to do and that’s why she sounds like my mother

It's a lesson learned but don't stop taking pics of her with your children, you and your children will have them after she's gone and you maybe right about her appreciating them in years to come.

I don’t think you should stop taking photos, unless she asks you too. Your DC may also appreciate them in years to come.
I understand where you are coming from, I’ve put a lot of weight on due to illness. But I’m a bit older than you I think as I have DGC, so I get your DM is probably not so happy seeing her older self immortalised.
Take the pics, store them on a USB or something, you can look at them when you want and if your DM or DC ever ask, you have them stored away for them safely.

How nasty of her. I wouldn't take her picture again. Imagine the vitriol if you took another one she didn't like. Not worth the risk!

Zombie thread from last August.