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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at the message?

89 replies

ToadstoolFairy · 06/08/2024 14:52

Last night I sent my DM a couple of photos I had taken of her and my DC after a day out. This is fairly normal; I frequently send her pictures of my children, including candid ones I take of her and DC.

She instantly told me to delete them, saying she didn’t like the way she looked (she’s had a hang up about her appearance for as long as I can remember). I replied saying that she looked lovely and reassured her that she’d be glad I took these photos for her to look back on in 10+ years time (I have few photos of me and my DC and they’re very small so figured she’d have the same mindset in years to come.)

Anyway, I unsent the message with the photos on and she asked, and left it. She then replies by sending a video of me that she took at the beginning of the year - just a standard video of me with my DC at soft play. With all the unattractive angles - double chin, stomach rolls, the works. I remember watching that video back that day and voicing how upset I felt at the way I looked; I’ve gained an awful lot of weight since having my youngest DC and have been trying hard to lose it. It was almost like a “oh s*- have I gotten that big?” moment. However I did thank her for snapping photos and videos etc. because I don’t get many. Completely forgot it existed until now tbh.

I asked her “did you send that on purpose because you didn’t like the photos I sent of you?” And she replied “correct.” And then said something sarcastic along the lines of ‘tit for tat. You like the photos of me and DC, and I like the video.” I was instantly upset and told her I thought she was being deliberately nasty, and how I hadn’t send those photos over to be horrible at all. Then she did the usual back peddling, telling me “I thought you’d laugh. I’m not getting into an argument.”

Maybe I am being unreasonable, but it felt very vindictive of her to actively search for that video and send it in an attempt for me to feel badly about myself (she knew that video was a hard watch for me, especially when I’m trying my hardest to get comfortable in my new body etc) just because she did. And then be sarcastic about it, and then accuse me of overreacting.

OP posts:
Bangwam1 · 07/08/2024 18:39

ToadstoolFairy · 06/08/2024 14:52

Last night I sent my DM a couple of photos I had taken of her and my DC after a day out. This is fairly normal; I frequently send her pictures of my children, including candid ones I take of her and DC.

She instantly told me to delete them, saying she didn’t like the way she looked (she’s had a hang up about her appearance for as long as I can remember). I replied saying that she looked lovely and reassured her that she’d be glad I took these photos for her to look back on in 10+ years time (I have few photos of me and my DC and they’re very small so figured she’d have the same mindset in years to come.)

Anyway, I unsent the message with the photos on and she asked, and left it. She then replies by sending a video of me that she took at the beginning of the year - just a standard video of me with my DC at soft play. With all the unattractive angles - double chin, stomach rolls, the works. I remember watching that video back that day and voicing how upset I felt at the way I looked; I’ve gained an awful lot of weight since having my youngest DC and have been trying hard to lose it. It was almost like a “oh s*- have I gotten that big?” moment. However I did thank her for snapping photos and videos etc. because I don’t get many. Completely forgot it existed until now tbh.

I asked her “did you send that on purpose because you didn’t like the photos I sent of you?” And she replied “correct.” And then said something sarcastic along the lines of ‘tit for tat. You like the photos of me and DC, and I like the video.” I was instantly upset and told her I thought she was being deliberately nasty, and how I hadn’t send those photos over to be horrible at all. Then she did the usual back peddling, telling me “I thought you’d laugh. I’m not getting into an argument.”

Maybe I am being unreasonable, but it felt very vindictive of her to actively search for that video and send it in an attempt for me to feel badly about myself (she knew that video was a hard watch for me, especially when I’m trying my hardest to get comfortable in my new body etc) just because she did. And then be sarcastic about it, and then accuse me of overreacting.

Sorry but your mother is abusive. That’s not normal behaviour at all. I could never in a million years imagine my mum behaving that way over something related to my child, or something unrelated.

Bangwam1 · 07/08/2024 18:40

ToothPickk · 06/08/2024 14:55

Here's where you went wrong:

reassured her that she’d be glad I took these photos for her to look back on in 10+ years time

That's not your decision to make. She didn't like the photos of herself and that's ok. You preaching that she would thank you made her remember the time you hated your video, so she found it and sent it to remind you.

If you think this is normal behaviour I’m concerned for your family. Jesus.

Bangwam1 · 07/08/2024 18:42

ToadstoolFairy · 06/08/2024 15:00

I hadn’t thought of it like that, thank you. I didn’t mean to preach to her, I just find it upsetting myself that I don’t have many photos of me and my DC and maybe she’d change her mind in years to come. And I meant no harm in sending the photos to her - her response felt very spiteful and purposeful.

Show quote history

You hadn’t thought of it like that because it’s such a toxic way to think.

Dont gaslight yourself or let anyone on here do it.

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 07/08/2024 18:45

I think it was awful of her to do that; cruel and extremely petty. Does she often deliberately do things like that to hurt you?!

Ilovecleaning · 07/08/2024 18:48

To send you the video was shitty. She needs to grow up.

fatphalange · 07/08/2024 18:55

Wow that is spectacularly nasty of her. Your intention was to send some pics she may or may not have liked- shame she didn't. No agenda behind it.
Her intention was to hurt you. She was petty enough to scroll, find the video, send it and then crow about how it was intended to upset you. She needs to grow up and so does anyone pretending they can't see what she did wrong Flowers

Notsuchafattynow · 07/08/2024 18:58

I cannot imagine my mum ever doing something like that to me.

She sounds a horrible mum.

AtlanticMum · 07/08/2024 18:59

I think your Mum is acting immature and victimish. She doesn’t sound like a very nice Mum tbh.

Turophilic · 07/08/2024 19:04

It was a horrible thing to do, but it was understandable in context.

You sent a photo you thought she’d like. She hated it she asked you get rid of it.
You patronised her with “you’ll be glad one day”
She sent you a video to prove her point.

It was unkind but you clearly pissed her off.

SpidersAreShitheads · 07/08/2024 19:13

ToadstoolFairy · 06/08/2024 15:27

Thank you for the responses - it’s given me stuff to think about for sure.

I think it’s best I just don’t take any photos of her with DC anymore. It’s always well-wished but she clearly doesn’t like being in them and I have to respect that.

It did sting with the choice of video though - my two kids were just tootling about in the background and she’d deliberately zoomed in on me- you know the ones you do when you’re with friends to wind them up, whereas I thought I saw a nice photo opportunity and took it.

Ho hum. Now I know.

I think it's best I just don't take any photos of her with DC anymore. It's always well-wished but she clearly doesn't like being in them and I have to respect that.

And yet, in a later comment you say that your DM usually likes the photos you send of her and that you avoid taking candid ones because you know she's a bit self-conscious....

To say that you're just not going to take any photos with your DM in any more is an unbelievably petty and passive-aggressive response. You're being a martyr because a few people have said that your DM isn't being entirely unreasonable.

Do I think your DM has dealt with this well? No, there were far better ways that she could have handled it rather than sending you a video that she knows you hate. It was unkind.

But you have also changed the narrative on that video - in your OP you described it as a normal video of a mum playing with their DC at soft play, and over the course of this thread it's now apparently a zoomed-in video like "the ones you do when you’re with friends to wind them up". You obviously don't like the video but I'm having trouble believing the later description because it wildly contradicts the first. It's fine to just say you don't like the video, you don't have to try and make your DM look more vindictive to prove your point. It doesn't matter. You don't like the video, end of story.

I think you both need to behave better. She was spiteful to make a point and you're being spiteful now saying you won't ever take a photo of her again.

SleepySusan · 07/08/2024 19:21

Your mother sounds awful.

I can’t say I like having my picture taken, even when I look bad, I would never take it out on the person taking the pictures as that’s my own insecurity. Why couldn’t she just delete them from her phone and ask you not to share?

LonelyInDville · 07/08/2024 19:28

I'm like your DM. I've never been photogenic and I'm even less now that I'm older (50s) There are hardly any pics of me since I was a kid and even though I have a DC I don't care about wanting pics of myself to look back on. But I don't really care for pictures ( especially if I'm in them )anyway.

savethatkitty · 07/08/2024 19:36

Yes, she's being nasty.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 07/08/2024 19:45

Mums have feelings too.

MounjaroUser · 07/08/2024 20:02

OP, I'm going to send you a PM.

Pollypocket81 · 07/08/2024 20:11

"I hardly think I’m going to look back in ten years and think “I’m so glad I have the zoomed-in video of my face at soft play.”

I think if you had wanted to get your point across about her bring grateful for the pictures in 10 years time then you should have said, "ah what a lovely video - I hated it at the time, but I am so happy to see it now, we are all so happy in it and my skin is glowing" or some such comment. 😅

AGoingConcern · 07/08/2024 20:20

I replied saying that she looked lovely and reassured her that she’d be glad I took these photos for her to look back on in 10+ years time

This was why she responded angrily. You were dismissive and invalidating in response to her expressing feelings about photos of herself, telling her you knew better than her how she would feel. She lashed out and didn't handle this graciously, but the point she was trying to make was that her feelings about the photos were valid.

"You'll feel differently when..." is one of those phrases should just be deleted from our vocabularies.

Marine30 · 07/08/2024 20:56

Yanbu - she sounds spiteful to me. Apart from anything isn’t it mainly supposed to be about the grandchildren and a nice photo/memory with their grandma. Sounds like you did something nice and she was vain and mean. It’s not like you put them all over Insta. I wouldn’t bother sending her any more photos.

pikkumyy77 · 07/08/2024 21:00

What an absolute bitch! I can’t believe the gaslighting you are getting from mumsnet, either.

I am a mother with body image issues—I don’t like lots of pictures that my kids like of me. But I would never attack them and try to hurt them to “correct” their innocently sharing pictures of me. Its such a vicious response to an innocent act.

AGoingConcern · 07/08/2024 21:14

Offering a different perspective is not gaslighting 🙄

LouDeLou · 07/08/2024 21:22

Grown women arguing with their mums over something so stupid- well, at least you’ll feel you were right about the pics when she’s dead! 🙄

Lampshadeblue · 07/08/2024 21:33

I think she tried to explain her feelings to you but you dismissed them, therefore she sent you the video so could understand how she felt. And you certainly didn’t like it either.

Corksoles · 07/08/2024 21:42

Lampshadeblue · 07/08/2024 21:33

I think she tried to explain her feelings to you but you dismissed them, therefore she sent you the video so could understand how she felt. And you certainly didn’t like it either.

What is going on here? Do you do this to your own kids, people? If they annoy you, do you try to hurt them back? And I don't care that everyone is an adult, your mum shouldn't try to hurt you to convey her own (slightly mental) feelings.

AGoingConcern · 07/08/2024 21:53

Corksoles · 07/08/2024 21:42

What is going on here? Do you do this to your own kids, people? If they annoy you, do you try to hurt them back? And I don't care that everyone is an adult, your mum shouldn't try to hurt you to convey her own (slightly mental) feelings.

Show quote history

Explaining the potential trigger & thought process behind a behavior is not the same as excusing or advocating for it. Some of us are trying to help OP understand what might have led her DM to lash out like that.

"She's just a bitch" can be very satisfying to say but isn't necessarily helpful if it's someone who the poster wants or needs to have a relationship with.

Corksoles · 07/08/2024 22:08

AGoingConcern · 07/08/2024 21:53

Explaining the potential trigger & thought process behind a behavior is not the same as excusing or advocating for it. Some of us are trying to help OP understand what might have led her DM to lash out like that.

"She's just a bitch" can be very satisfying to say but isn't necessarily helpful if it's someone who the poster wants or needs to have a relationship with.

Show quote history

It's her mum! I'm not calling her a bitch. I'm saying that this isn't right or normal. Perhaps your mate can get the hump with you like this - but even then I still think this childish tit-for-tat is jaw dropping. But your own mum? Nah, mums should have your back, even if you mis step.