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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To back out of being godmother?

95 replies

Welshey · 03/08/2024 23:41

Hi all,

Please tell me if AIBU here.

My best friend since childhood asked me to be godmother to her child in 2020. I gladly accepted and expected one of her other long term friends to also be godmother. The christening kept getting pushed back due to Covid and other life circumstances. She finally announced the christening will be this summer.

She recently let me know she has asked four other women to be godmother alongside me. Three of the women are quite new friends. The other is the friend we’ve both known for about 10 years. There are two, possibly three, godfathers.

My friend is saying she just couldn’t make up her mind/didn’t want to let the other friends down.

Am AIBU to step back and say I’ve changed my mind? I feel being a godparent is meant to be a bit special and having so many godparents dilutes it to the point of meaningless.

Or am I being too egocentric/making it all about me? I have to admit I do also find it a bit hurtful given how long we’ve known each other and how much we have supported one another over the years. I also consider myself very close to her child.

Thank you!

OP posts:
Shoutymomma · 03/08/2024 23:42

Is this likely to be her only child. Eggs.. basket…

LiterallyOnFire · 03/08/2024 23:43

Six godparents is pretty normal. Eight is hardly unheard of.

Original poster
Welshey · 03/08/2024 23:44

Shoutymomma · 03/08/2024 23:42

Is this likely to be her only child. Eggs.. basket…

No, she’s currently pregnant with her second baby

OP posts:
Original poster
Welshey · 03/08/2024 23:45

LiterallyOnFire · 03/08/2024 23:43

Six godparents is pretty normal. Eight is hardly unheard of.

Oh really? Interesting to know. At my church it tends to be two, sometimes four.

OP posts:
Icepearl · 03/08/2024 23:47

Will the church even allow it? There is often a cap on 3

Qwertys · 03/08/2024 23:49

I don’t know anything about how christenings normally work but I went to one a few months ago and there were six godparents

Confusionn · 03/08/2024 23:57

I was in this position a few years ago, and yes I did back out.

The friendship never recovered.
I think as I have mentioned in previous posts, christenings in general have lost their original meaning and is more of a popularity contest these days.
If you do back out then be prepared to lose a friendship. Only you will know if that is worth it.

JustTalkToThem · 04/08/2024 00:00

Do you love her and the kid? Then why wouldn’t you want to have that place in their life.

Scorchio84 · 04/08/2024 00:02

LiterallyOnFire · 03/08/2024 23:43

Six godparents is pretty normal. Eight is hardly unheard of.

Is it?? Jaysus over here it's pretty much one of each, GM & GF, usually one from each "side" I'm not religious but have been to a few christenings

Ohlittleone · 04/08/2024 00:05

LiterallyOnFire · 03/08/2024 23:43

Six godparents is pretty normal. Eight is hardly unheard of.

Where is 6 or 8 godparents normal? I've been to a lot of christenings and I went to one where there were 4 but that was unusual and the majority I've been to have only had 2.

Fizzadora · 04/08/2024 00:11

It used to be that a godparent was there to provide a child with spiritual guidance but it now appears to be something very different.
It also used to be that a child would have two godparents of the same sex and one of the opposite sex.
I am of the opinion that the more people that love and care for a child, the better. This opinion is sadly at odds with my DH who is irrationally jealous of our grandchild's maternal family.
Have a think about whether it's just a touch of jealousy of the other proposed godparents (making you less special) or whether you really think that you would give the child less as a godparent just because there are too many of you.

Shoutymomma · 04/08/2024 00:13

Welshey · 03/08/2024 23:44

No, she’s currently pregnant with her second baby

Show quote history

Bizarre. Second child will have the midwife and some binmen.

Soonenough · 04/08/2024 00:17

In RC you can have as many as you want in any combination but only two names will be allowed on the christening certificate. And I wouldn't be interested in being one of six godparents. Laughing at her thinking someone is worried about being left out.

HoHoHoliday · 04/08/2024 00:19

If your friend is thinking of it in terms of not wanting to let any of her friends down then she seems to be missing the point. A godparent should be helping to spiritually and morally guide a child through life. It's not about letting a friend down, it's about building a child up. 7 or 8 seems unnecessary!
But that said, no I wouldn't drop out. I'd assume some of this others will drift away over the coming years so if being this child's godparent means something to you then stick around.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/08/2024 00:29

Seriously back out if you don't want to do it.
There is nothing worse than a reluctant god parent. And its also unfair on the god parent if you don't have a strong enough relationship with the child's parents. It depends how the parents see the role, how involved they want you to be or if they just expect presents every now and then.

Maybe she's got a point having so many god parents, ( I thought six was only for royals) on the grounds that some will drop out after the centre stage role of the Christening. Its sad to see children who've had to watch siblings with active god parents keep in touch and take an interest in the child, whilst theirs was never on the scene.

One person we considered as god father told us quite frankly that he didn't believe in the whole "God" thing and would rather not. We're still friends, because It was honest and meant we could chose someone who did take the role seriously

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 04/08/2024 00:32

Yanbu to be a bit non-plussed by this but ywbu to therefore resign.

Effectively you thought there would be a high bar to be a godparent and it turns out to be quite low. So what? You are no less loved and a baby/child can't have too much love.

This reminds me of my aunt who had a beautifully kept front garden and was delighted when her town introduced a "good gardens" award but then horrified when she found that basically anyone who didn't just have a weed patch of rubble and broken shopping trolleys got the award. It didn't make her garden less lovely.

I will bet that most of the other godparents fade away out of the child's life sooner or later. Meanwhile you and she will still have q strong and loving bond.

Don't let this affect you.

BingoBangow · 04/08/2024 00:37

Considering it’s not a legal binding document and it a religious gesture then YABU. If she drops down dead then the godparents won’t be expected to look after the child. It’s a gesture not reality….

whateveryouwantmetosay · 04/08/2024 01:49

I wouldn't back out, that WBU.

Your friend having SIX godparents IBU.

I always thought (depending on the religion) that it was just 2 (god mother and god father) or two from the same gender as the child (my girls have two god mothers and a god father; my son has two god fathers and a god mother).

Turophilic · 04/08/2024 02:54

Flaming Nora, is she handing them out like raffle tickets???

My understanding was the Catholic Church went for one godmother and one godfather per child while the C of E went for two of the same sex as the child and one of the opposite sex (so I would have 2 godmothers and a godfather, my brother would have 2 godfathers and a godmother)

If it gets to the point every pal of the parents is a godparent to the child, it’s not exactly fostering a special relationship between them, is it? It’s more like a party invitation than a lifelong commitment.

Sweetteaplease · 04/08/2024 02:58

I think you're being egocentric. Surely the people who love the child the better Hmm

BeautyPageantDropout · 04/08/2024 03:04

six godparents is normal?? okay, elton john.

catholicism is fucked up and ostentatious in many regards but at least you know the pecking order when there's just one godmother and one godfather.

when did prods get so extra?

MirandaBlu · 04/08/2024 03:11

Scorchio84 · 04/08/2024 00:02

Is it?? Jaysus over here it's pretty much one of each, GM & GF, usually one from each "side" I'm not religious but have been to a few christenings

Show quote history

I'm going to guess that "over here" is Ireland, and just here to say same in Scotland. A friend's dad is a CoS minister, and each of his children - all born in the past decade - just has the traditional single godparent: a godmother for each girl and a godfather for each boy.

OP, if the baby was born in 2020 and so is now roughly four, do they know that you are (supposed to be) their godparent? If so, I think more culturally specific advice is needed on how to back out without causing the godchild harm. But if you're free to make the choice without whatever impact there would be to the child as a result of a presumed godparent declining, then please follow your instincts and say no if it doesn't feel right and you're not comfortable committing to all of the duties of a godparent for this child.

Lillycc · 04/08/2024 03:55

Backing out is making it about you. Doesn't matter how long someone has been friends for, a friend is a friend regardless. What makes you think you should take priority over another friend?

FinalInstructionstotheAudience · 04/08/2024 06:29

LiterallyOnFire · 03/08/2024 23:43

Six godparents is pretty normal. Eight is hardly unheard of.

For most families, it's 2 female 2 male Godparents for each child

FinalInstructionstotheAudience · 04/08/2024 06:32

Lillycc · 04/08/2024 03:55

Backing out is making it about you. Doesn't matter how long someone has been friends for, a friend is a friend regardless. What makes you think you should take priority over another friend?

It's a stupid number of Godmothers, and shows how stupid the mother is for selecting godparents on the basis of not wanting to upset her new friends. She clearly wants numbers for the 'gram, and has no idea of the role of a godparent
Back out, she'll be tapping you all for gifts/money, not the child's religious and moral welfare

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