To back out of being godmother?

[Welshey]

Hi all,

Please tell me if AIBU here.

My best friend since childhood asked me to be godmother to her child in 2020. I gladly accepted and expected one of her other long term friends to also be godmother. The christening kept getting pushed back due to Covid and other life circumstances. She finally announced the christening will be this summer.

She recently let me know she has asked four other women to be godmother alongside me. Three of the women are quite new friends. The other is the friend we’ve both known for about 10 years. There are two, possibly three, godfathers.

My friend is saying she just couldn’t make up her mind/didn’t want to let the other friends down.

Am AIBU to step back and say I’ve changed my mind? I feel being a godparent is meant to be a bit special and having so many godparents dilutes it to the point of meaningless.

Or am I being too egocentric/making it all about me? I have to admit I do also find it a bit hurtful given how long we’ve known each other and how much we have supported one another over the years. I also consider myself very close to her child.

Thank you!

3 is the norm in our local church. Typically if it's a boy two men and one woman and vice versa. We had four which felt a lot.

If you back out it will sour the friendship, you could say you wouldn't be offended if she feels she has too many and would prefer you do the second one.

Yes, it was 2 GM's for a girl and 1 GF.
For a boy, vice versa.

I would back out personally OP

Yep, we had 2 male 2 female per child. 2 on each side. Catholic ceremony. I have never been to a christening with more than 4

I think it would be unreasonable to back out on the basis of wanting to be ‘top dog’ and not liking having anyone else placed at that level of importance. It seems like a ridiculous number of godparents to me personally, but it takes all sorts I suppose. I always knew godparents as two of the same sex and one of the opposite.
Maybe the others will fall by the wayside but maybe they won’t. In the ideal world it will just be more people around the child who love her and want to be involved in her life.

Are you a practicing Christian? Is the mother / family of the child? If no to either, you need to say no - it’s immoral.

Same here! I thought it was only the Royal Family who had several godparents!

In the CofE, there’s no limit to godparents, but there is a limit to space in the records book! So when a family tell me they’re having 29 godparents, I say that’s fine but I can only officially record 4.

OP, do you love the child and can you make the promises you have to publicly declare with integrity? Because if the answer is ‘yes,’ you’ll be a blessing to that child and that’s what matters.

I'd have thought 2 god parents would be more than enough.
TBH I'd back out and say something like 'I love you and your child and want to support you, but I can still do that without being a god parent. I'm happy for the others to do it if it really means that much to them'.

At no point in your post have you referenced the child or your relationship with them over the intervening years since the christening was postponed.
Do you feel, having known for so long of the request, that you have been acting in a god-motherly capacity?
If not, then backing out won’t impact the child and will sate your ego

potentially losing a longtime friend over this seems daft. unless you’re religious it’s all a bit fake anyway isn’t it? j you said you’d be godparent so if you’re going to take that role seriously then it’s a bit irrelevant how many other ones there are. backing out now would be a bit dramatic!

I pulled out when there was 3 godmothers and two godfathers. I just thought it was daft and meaningless when there were so many. That was my close cousins DD. All my 4 are christened & they each have two godparents.

I thought tradition was 3? I go to church every week and I've not knowingly seen more than 4. 8 would be hilarious.

If you value the friendship, I wouldn't back out.
And it would be embarrassing to give the reason why.
Allow yourself an eye-roll and crack on, because there isn't a sound enough reason for letting her down.

Well I've learnt something here. I always thought it was 3, two of the same sex as baby and one of the opposite sex!

My dd has 4. My ds is going to have 7. I've been to christenings wheres there's been 8/9. I always thought it was 2 females and 1 male for a girl and 2 males and 1 female for a boy.

I'm not sure if it's a good idea to back out as I think you will probably lose a friend. But I must admit, if I had known someone for many years and had a particularly close friendship with them, I'd be a bit miffed if there was a whole squad of us as godparents. I think I'd almost prefer not to be asked at all. I don't think posters should berate you for not feeling 'special' enough. Of course you want to feel special as her best and most longstanding friend. I'm in NI though and have never seen more than 2 or 3 godparents, so maybe it's a regional thing.

I wouldn't back out but I wouldn't consider it to mean anything - I would just go on the day and smile for the photos, and that would be the end of it. So many godparents in effect means no godparents because it is so diluted, so definitely no responsibilities (which there would be if you were the only godmother).

This is weird to me and also a bit "common", like having tons of adult bridesmaids so your wedding looks like an OK magazine shoot. I do think it dilutes the specialness but I think you're in a good position to be the alpha godparent if you're already close to the child and see them regularly? Most godparents tend to fall by the wayside within a few years, especially if they have their own children and/or don't live nearby.

Maybe you could suggest she holds off and has both DC christened together after the new baby arrives? Then she'd have to divide up the godparents between two of them!

I think you’re being really self centred and melodramatic if you pull out, basically you’d be whinging because you’re not the main act.

Just be godmother, it’s not really about you.

In my experience god parents don’t always stick around- life changes, relationships change. You might find the godparents who are new friends won’t even know the child in a few year’s time. They might have agreed to do it to be polite. I don’t think I’d like to have to tell someone “no that’s ridiculous. I barely know you.”

put your hurt feelings aside and play the long game

Good grief. I’ve had all my three christened and attended many others. There have only been one godmother and one godfather each time.

That is a ridiculous amount of godparents but I guess she is setting her kid up for a lifetime of gifts it nothing else.

Also only ever (in Ireland) have seen two godparents and I have been to tons of them here. In England the two or three I have been to had 3 godparents which is still one to many to me but each to their own. 8 is bloody ridiculous though.

You want to back out because it doesn't make you feel special enough? It's not about you! Accept the role with grace, unless you have no intention of fulfilling it.

Six?

Eight?

If eight is unheard of, I don't know who's hearing of it.

If you are not religious, or not a regular church goer, valid four years later to decide not to be a godparent, I think.