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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband orders expensive alcohol when I am paying

112 replies

Prontehpronto · 03/08/2024 23:20

It's all one pot I know but Im getting very irritated by my husband ordering expensive alcohol when we go out for a meal as a family. I don't drink so will have water or soft drink. Sometimes his drink is over quarter of the bill, think its irresponsible as we are trying to watch our spending and bit rich he seems to do it more when I'm paying... I suppose he does pay the mortgage...

OP posts:
Summerbay23 · 03/08/2024 23:23

Seems odd if you are married and it’s family money, do you never spend more money on a hair cut, clothes, night out, gym membership, travel, your food choice? I don’t understand this separation of finances in all honesty.

Merryoldgoat · 03/08/2024 23:23

Is it one pot or not?

Prapsfound · 03/08/2024 23:24

You’re contradicting yourself. It’s one pot but ‘when you are paying?’ Which is it?

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/08/2024 23:25

This makes no sense.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 03/08/2024 23:25

If it’s one pot then how are ‘you’ specifically paying?

comedycentral · 03/08/2024 23:39

I imagine the mortgage is more than whatever wine he orders. It's either one pot or it's not.

LikeAFineMerlot · 03/08/2024 23:40

It's either 1 pot, or you are paying?

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 03/08/2024 23:42

Do you mean he orders alcohol (which is more expensive than a soft drink even if it’s the cheapest on the menu) or that he orders expensive alcohol eg the most expensive glass of wine he can find?

MrsBungle · 03/08/2024 23:42

Just because you don’t drink doesn’t mean he can’t enjoy his tipple when socialising!!

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2024 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

coodawoodashooda · 03/08/2024 23:46

As above. Depends

Barryplopper · 03/08/2024 23:51

Life is short, unless you go out 7 days a week I wouldn't be getting upset over oh having a drink he enjoys whilst out for a meal

woodenicelollystick · 03/08/2024 23:51

If it's 1 pot then it's more a case of you not agreeing about the amount of money spent on alcohol. Not that he does it when you pay.

SamW98 · 03/08/2024 23:53

Bit confused. Is it one shared pot of shared money or are you personally paying?

And just because you choose not to drink alcohol doesn’t mean he shouldn’t enjoy a few drinks.

Maryamlouise · 04/08/2024 00:02

I think if you are the more frugal one you maybe notice more the discrepancy in spending joint money. I would feel bad if my share was way more and it was from the joint account which is probably silly as PP say it should even out over time. I can't help but notice though when it is often alcohol etc that he buys - it only really bothers me though if he comments on an instance when I spend more as that feels unfair when he generally is the bigger spender. How do you actually budget? Is it joint money?

circular1985 · 04/08/2024 00:13

Would he be upset if you ordered a steak and he had a burger?

Original poster
Prontehpronto · 04/08/2024 08:40

Not one pot really, I mean that in a broader sense. I guess the point I'm making is as a family we try to budget, he pays bills and I pay for clothes, going out, holidays, unbudgeted unexpected exp. like when the break pads go, so my point is that him ordering alcohol (which is expensive) when we go out is unfair as it dismishes the rest of the pot for us all. In terms of what I spend on myself, I'm very frugal. And it isnt once a week, he will also go out for lunches etc over the week. But thank you all for your messages, hadn't realised my op would illicit such mean responses,

OP posts:
LikeAFineMerlot · 04/08/2024 08:57

Mean?

You posted something that wasn't really clear, hence many questioned.

If you had said "husband spends too much of family funds etc " then you would maybe have got different answers.

You posted in AIBU which is traditionally a really tough section

DarkForces · 04/08/2024 09:06

A nice drink makes a meal complete. If you're feeling resentful you should discuss your finances with dh and reach an agreement about your spending limits but I'd hate dh to police me getting a nice bottle of wine now and then.

ViciousCurrentBun · 04/08/2024 09:25

I hardly ever drink due to health reasons, DH is also a light drinker but when out for dinner always has a drink. Likes a pre dinner G&T and then a decent wine, Alcohol is expensive but you sound a bit parsimonious about it. We went out with family last week and alcohol was a third of the bill. Have a reasoned chat with him. If you have family money then you need to agree on what amount is fair for each of you to spend. This is the exact reason DH and I have never had one pot. No one is telling me how much I can spend on x y and z with my money as long as joint expenses are covered.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 04/08/2024 09:28

Nobody has been mean, they were just clarifying your post.

If you're married, surely it doesn't make a difference who pays?

TeenToTwenties · 04/08/2024 09:32

Maybe you should gave a joint account you pay into proportionately and then meals our come from that. Or separate budgets for children v holidays/eating out so alcohol reduces going out rather than impacting the kids?

Boredlass · 04/08/2024 09:36

I do this. If I pay then I’ll get lager, if my DH pays, I’ll have a wine. He just laughs about it. No resentment at all

PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich · 04/08/2024 09:40

I imagine it all balances out and you also get your fair share of treats. You don't see the value of an alcoholic drink but he does, so he can have it if he wants.

Hoppinggreen · 04/08/2024 09:50

Mean responses?
I don't see any at all here.
Unless his drinking is excessive and causing issues generally or he is spending so much on booze you can't afford other things then let the man drink what he wants.
If you don't drink alcohol thats your choice (unless its medical) but it doesn't mean he can't