Husband orders expensive alcohol when I am paying

[Prontehpronto]

It's all one pot I know but Im getting very irritated by my husband ordering expensive alcohol when we go out for a meal as a family. I don't drink so will have water or soft drink. Sometimes his drink is over quarter of the bill, think its irresponsible as we are trying to watch our spending and bit rich he seems to do it more when I'm paying... I suppose he does pay the mortgage...

I think the problem is that he doesn't seem sorry or insightful about what he put you through.

He took credit cards out in your name and ran up an £80k debt?!?! And you forgave him?!?!

If you have a tight budget and he likes ordering expensive drinks then I suggest you don't go out for lunch with him and he spends his own pot on money on his meals out. If he asks why then just say you cannot afford it.

I definitely think you should look into a joint account with no overdraft facility for mortgage, utilities, food shopping, DC stuff and other joint expenses like family meals out, and keep separate accounts for discretionary stuff like your own clothes, books, hobbies etc. You'll both be able to see all the joint transactions on line.
Maybe also start a separate slush fund that DH can't access for annual costs, like the car insurance etc. with a buffer in case of emergency repairs to boiler, car, whatever. With DH's history, giving him access to that would be like handing the keys to the liquor cabinet to an alcoholic; so probably best to keep that separate or even secret.

If my DH had huge gambling debts and taking credit cards out in my name I would have divorced him. So I think him wanting to order alcohol is least of your problems. As you seem to have decided to stay with him there needs to be a blunt conversation about finances and what it means for both of you as a team. It cannot be him doing whatever he pleases and you being frugal.

Sorry, you still don't have visibility of what the bills are and what he is spending despite him having previously got you into £80k debt?

This is madness on your part.

Monies should be split precisely as you've outlined above. You should have complete visibility of family money, other than his "pocket money" for want of a better term. Whether you both have the same amount of "pocket money" is for the two of you to organise.

Based on his previous behaviour, if he won't show you his income and outgoings over the previous 3 months you should have massive concerns.

This is giving me the ick. You’re a nicer person than me. I’d be ordering steaks for the kids and ratcheting up the bill just to watch her slowly explode 😂

I think DH feels that way! I actually find it quite stressful … I get torn between letting everyone eat normally and enjoy themselves and monitoring her angst.

Mumsnet is better than therapy

Op, it means people will read the op, offer advice based on that, then notice the huge extra bit of information which would absolutely change their advice. New posters hop onto the thread, only read the op, then you get completely contradictory advice, making the whole thing pointless for you.

with the drip feed, along with the op, your husband cannot manage money and is incredibly selfish. On top of that, his actions were criminal!

based on the op i was going to say what we do, as when dh comes out for meals he doubles the bill so i tend not to take him but we have a jug of water for the table and one bought drink only.

based on the drip feed id say dont take him out for meals and actually divorce.

Before I saw this second post about the gambling, I was going to suggest a joint account which you both pay into which covers things like meals out together.

But if he is a gambler (is, not was - all addictions are life-long even when not actively being pursued), then NEVER have a joint account.

You need to know what his wages/salary is, what the mortgage is, what the regular bills are that he pays, and do the maths to see what he has left for spending. And you need access to the mortgage account and all the other bill accounts to check that it has all been paid every month.

Then you need to add up everything you spend on the household and DC, to check whether your 'spending' money is roughly equal to his (or perhaps you both get spends proportional to income if not equal). If the situation is not fair, he needs to pick up another cost to even it out.

Then you need to check all this again every three months or so, and keep an eye on your own credit record.

That is if you don't just split up and separate your lives and finances.

To sort out the immediate problem, tell him you will be asking for a split bill when you next go for a meal. If he objects, then he can pay for the lot.

I have considered divorce, we been married for 15 years, I don't think I want to be with him but know he won't leave the house, he gets angry and abusive if we talk about money, I don't want a messy divorce, he's always at work and I'd get the kids defo with all the gambling and other things but I don't want it to be awful, just want him to leave,don't mind if we just seperate, not sure what to do, this post and the thread has made me realise I get pissed about the small stuff cos of all of it, I'm tired of it all,the worst is he has health probs and shouldn't drink or anything really,I'm not drip feeding to everyone who seems to take delight in a accusing someone of drip feeding, I'm just looking for genuine perspective and advice

My honest advice is to leave. His deception has damaged your relationship and turned you into someone who resents him. I don't blame you. If he didn't get angry when you try to talk maybe there would be some hope but he has ruined you and is unrepentant and abusive. I can't see how you can rebuild from this. Better to cut your losses and leave. I'm sorry. It sounds horrendous

… and I’m never sure what the level of tolerance for an imbalance across the two families is; but with instances like the watchfulness over the side of bread, I’m sure it’s only a few pounds.

I'm afraid my first thought is that if you have no oversight of his spending, he could still be gambling... you can rack up a lot of loans only paying interest until it all falls apart.

Even more if you don't mind using your partner's name fraudulently again because you got away with it last time.

I can understand how making him leave seems overwhelming.

You can get a divorce for financial separation but stay living in the same house together - do some research and perhaps consult a solicitor.

Meanwhile, protect yourself and get into the mindset of having truly separate finances. So do ask for split bills when you eat out. He will have to put up with it or foot the bill himself.
Only treat him when you actually do want to treat him, then you won't feel resentful.

I'm thinking about the logistics of it, should I leave, i mean physically leave the house with the kids? I work from home, he's always in the office, I don't know how I'm going to get him to leave the house?

'all the gambling and other things'

You can talk us through the other things if you wanted to?

BTW he does not have to 'agree' to get divorced - you can just go ahead and do it, for your financial protection.
Being married is a legal contract whereby you are responsible for his debts. You need legal divorce even if you both stay together.

OP you really need to consider why you are staying. Your last post doesn’t read as if you’ve recovered from the betrayal and all the small stuff is going to niggle away at you more and more.

Don't stay for the kids because they’ll pick up on tensions and his anger/abusive moods will affect them too.

Don’t stay because it’s hard to leave either. The time will pass regardless and you have the opportunity to be happy a year or two from now, or still be stuck in a miserable marriage.

I would suggest a conversation with a solicitor .
Fear of making him angry is an awful way to live .

Yoi are walking on eggshells , when you can’t even discuss important things

Ok look: maybe its good that you pisted this way. Why don’t you think aboutvit and write a different post in relatiinships and ask a different wuestion? Because its obvious that you are not being unreasonable to want to throw the whole man out.

In addition front loading the 80 thousand pound debt and the credit card fraud makes it clear that an even split of family finances is inequitable. He should be overpaying you to make up for the fraud and debt. Alllll his money bar a very small amount of picket change should go to discharging his debt snd making it up to you in terms of security. Even if he nominally pays the mortgage now because of his reckless improvidence and theft of family funds he is just digging out of the hole he dug.

No wonder you resent him!

You should sct on this sooner rather than later because it will be very difficult to get rid of him once his drinking kicks his poor health into overdrive. This happened to a good friend of mine and twenty years on she is stillstuck with a drunken, incompetent husband who will never leave her because where would he go? If she had left earlier he would have had time to reset his life instead of collapsing into dependency.

No sorry, I don't thinki should have started this thread, it's made me feel really weird and sad, I'm defo going to take the advice about getting him to pay for meals if there's loads of alcohol and to go through the bills and actually see what he is spending

Are you scared of what he'll do if you ask him to leave? Trust your instincts. It can be a very dangerous time. There's great advice on the relationships board or from charities like Refuge about leaving safely. Keep very quiet for now, plan carefully and take good advice. If you're searching make sure he's not accessing your history etc. Take care

If you want to end the marriage, and you obviously should, you need to see a solicitor and get the process started. Your life will to continue to be shit as long as you choose to stay.

Yes op it sounds as though you want to leave but are scared.

I understand the drip feed: the issues were unravelling in a back to front order in your own mind because the small ones are easiest to confront. I would seek legal advice.,