Husband orders expensive alcohol when I am paying

[Prontehpronto]

It's all one pot I know but Im getting very irritated by my husband ordering expensive alcohol when we go out for a meal as a family. I don't drink so will have water or soft drink. Sometimes his drink is over quarter of the bill, think its irresponsible as we are trying to watch our spending and bit rich he seems to do it more when I'm paying... I suppose he does pay the mortgage...

Does your way of splitting the bills end up with both you and your DH having similar amount of spending money?

Or has it worked out that because he pays set things like the mortgage, he always has the same amount for himself. But as you are doing something harder to budget, him having the most expensive cocktail several times a week is having a big impact on you?

You would probably be better off having a proper one pot system as you would be less resentful and he would be more exposed to the consequences of his spending.

Begrudging your husband some wine with his meal. Really?

You need to manage your finances better. You’re married - act like a partnership and have joint goals and agree spending limits together.

You're married. It's one pot. What's at the root of this resentment? You're going to need to talk to him because it'll fester and get worse. Do you feel like a lesser partner in the marriage?

It prob stems from some gambling debt he got us into few years back £80k, I found out cos we had to remortgage and he had taken credit cards out in my name, so I resent how frivolous he is, and yes he has the same amount each month as the bills are set, I have said we should have one account for bills and family stuff and have a separate bit if money we can each spend on ourselves, he doesn't want this, I think it's because then I'll actually have sight if what the bills are and what he is spending

Talk about massive drip feed - Jesus 🙄

Why the bloody hell are you with someone who got you into 80k worth of gambling debt?

Talk about a drip feed

That's a drip feed and a half

Oh. A glass of wine is not the problem here then.

It does sound as though he’s generally a bit crap with money. It can be draining to be careful and frugal when there seems no point when the person you are inextricably financially tied with isn’t on board.

My ex used to irritate me in this way. Wouldn’t stint himself ever. Essentially. You should have the same personal money. If not why not?

Oh yes, prob 😳.

FFS, what a huge drip feed!

I was going to suggest not going out to dinner if money was tight but you have chosen to stay with someone with a gambling addiction-none of this is important really, is it?

Whats a drip feed...

When someone leaves very relevant information out of their OP, then drops it further down the thread (normally when the answers aren't going the way they want).

I get anxious that my husband lights a fire instead of putting on a cardigan. AIBU?

Oh...

Also...

He is a convicted arsonist and once burned down a shopping centre. Forgot to mention this.

😂😂😂

Oh I see! Lol, wasn't meant to be but didn't link the gambling debt with him spending too much on alcohol until someone asked where the resent is coming from...

Ok. Maybe start with the £80k worth of debt and fraudulently taking out credit in your name. I think you need to invest in joint financial counselling and planning or, if you can't agree, a separation of finances or your relationship. You can't carry on being resentful over a glass of wine. You need to decide on whether you continue together or apart and whatever he wants, whether he gets access to your funds is up to you.

When down the pub my wife likes a nice glass of wine which is always more expensive then my bog standard pint. It's all paid for from the same joint account. I guess I could moan about her drinks being more expensive then mine and insist she drinks Blue Nun or I could just chill the fuck out and enjoy our evening out together

🤣

Difficult to undertand here, exactly what's happening. If he had a soft drink, them ordered a lager/glass of wine that would be okay. All money is shared, but you're annoyed because there's a budget he's going over. Are you living hand to mouth? Or is there money to spare? If him ordering a drink means you cannot afford a bill next month, then yes he's selfish, and perhaps stop eating out if you cannot really afford it. If you're just being frugal to save thousands up in the bank, then you're being massively unreasonable. Life's too short, enjoy it (within your means). If I've completely misunderstood and he's ordering a £50 glass of whisky and you're not rich, he's taking liberties.

I know what you mean OP.

I think the issue is you have different attitudes to money. You are generally frugal and understand that taking care of the pennies, the £ take care of themselves.

He is less frugal and prefers to have several £8 glasses of wine with a meal, and spend £8 a day on an office lunch, ignoring the fact he's spending probably £250 a month.

Neither of you is wrong but it's an issue you need to resolve or it will irritate you throughout your married life.

Op sorry don't want to be mean like you said but your posts aren't clear and not full in context ... you're now saying there's a backstory which is part of the issue. I think you and your husband probably have a deeper issue of trust when it comes to money then just the wine. I think you should consider how you're really feeling and put everything to him. Don't be afraid to say i don't trust you with money and I don't understand why you don't want to be more transparent with me. You don't need to pussy foot around the wine issue just say it how it is for you. 80k is a serious problem you had to deal with, don't take that lightly. I hope you sort it all out and just trust yourself with how you feel.

Well, your update certainly puts a different cast on things. It's very understandable that you're anxious about his spending, and attitude to money, generally. Small things like a glass of wine could create problems because of what's happened in the past.
The resentment is coming from his gambling debt. You're going to need to work through this as a couple, otherwise you will always be resentful.

Yes, this is the crux of the matter, and exactly what I was trying to say.

This. You’ve literally said he does it when you’re paying which implies it’s not one pot.