Husband orders expensive alcohol when I am paying

[Prontehpronto]

It's all one pot I know but Im getting very irritated by my husband ordering expensive alcohol when we go out for a meal as a family. I don't drink so will have water or soft drink. Sometimes his drink is over quarter of the bill, think its irresponsible as we are trying to watch our spending and bit rich he seems to do it more when I'm paying... I suppose he does pay the mortgage...

As a partnership you definitely should have visibility of all household bills, whoever pays them.

I think that the problem isn't about visibility of bills, more that there is understandable fall out from the gambling debt.

I think this where we forget human nature thou. Because we do this in real life too.. it's only as a conversation progresses and ppl.dont get us does all the info start flooding out.. i too feel alot of info was missing and mentioned this in my post to the op to highlight to her why she was getting the responses she was. But in her head she was probably just annoyed about the wine issue which probably just happened. We automatically think the worst in ppl but then maybe we have our guards up because of the many fake posts on here too.

True, but lack of visibility is fuelling mistrust/resentment.

So he previously racked up 80k of gambling debt which you both had to endure, and yet he still likes to spend more money on himself. Hmmm

I agree. It's a lot to get past and this sort of thing is obviously stressful for the OP.

There’s nothing excessive or unreasonable about expecting to have a glass or two of wine with dinner. Gambling away £80k however is beyond the pale. Think you might be focussed on the wrong bit.

OP how long ago did the gambling debt come to light?

You've said you’re still holding some resentment, but do you feel like he owes you frugality to ‘pay back’ the debt? Literally or metaphorically.

The way you split bills made me feel a bit uncomfortable because he has the security of knowing what his expenditure is each month while yours fluctuates. You might be better to both put bills, family outings, holidays and emergency money into a joint account and both retain an equal amount in your personal accounts. Could be the same cash amount or the same percentage of income.

I think you need to think about how much a mortgage really is.
Who pays the utilises?
Are your wages similar?
If he earns and pays more over all then I think you need to leave but. But do keep a check on your credit online.

I'd want full visibility over all finances if I was married to someone with a history of gambling.

He really isn't entitled to privacy around finances after deceiving you and getting you in so much debt.

Is the wider issue differences on how to budget / spend your money?

Alcohol in itself isn't "expensive' in the context of going out for several meals per week. Of course, it may be "more expensive" than perhaps a glass of water or even a can of Diet Coke in a restaurant. But if one of you is happy with that level of discretionary spend, and the other is "frugal", then it's likely the financial planning that's the issue - as opposed to choice of drink.

Not sure how helpful it is to say its a drip feed but thanks for your message

Not sure how helpful it is to me to say ffs it's a drip feed but thanks for your message

I’d just let him enjoy himself. It doesn’t sound too extravagant ( lots of people drink); and relationships have to have space for people to enjoy themselves.

I’m afraid I have a friend who micromanages what everyone orders if she thinks the bill might be split and I now avoid eating out with her - certainly as families because it’s too much stress to ensure no one creeps over her boundaries. If it’s just me, I try to mirror her as close to the penny as possible. But it doesn’t make me think well of her and I look forward to spending the time with her less than I otherwise would. You don’t want your own DH feeling that about you over the odd whisky.

… for example if one of my dc ordered a main that was three pounds more, she’d turn to hers immediately after and say “ well are you sure you don’t want to order the such and such in that case?” ( and the dc doesn’t.) When DH ordered an extra side of bread, ( for a young dc who had not enjoyed their main) she said to her DH “well you get an extra cold drink then.” We just let them order what they want without comment - and are perfectly happy to itemise the bill if we have ordered more. But she just cannot relax and it’s quite an offputting character trait.

Has your dd run up £80k of gambling debts causing you to remortgage the house and fraudulently taken out credit cards in your name like op's husband? You might be less supportive of the extra spends if they had

Ah no … missed that bit! When did that bulletin drop?

I was reading it as a post about keeping tabs on other’s orders at a restaurant. 😕

I think it was op's second post. Puts it in a whole other light and they've acknowledged the drip feed

Ok thats the issue!

Ah yes. This is a much less trivial topic .

How much money are we talking about here, and how often is it happening?

You are married for goodness sake. I earn the most money in my relationship and when we go out for dinner my husband can order whatever he wants. As do I.

Is it ok for him to take out credit cards in your name and run up £80k of debt too?

As that's apparently what this is really about.

Essentially you ate frugally trying to rebuild the family finances by living cheaply and he is living high off the hog like a thief who pays back what he stole without interest and with pennies on the pound.