I really need some help navigating these feelings 😢 it isn't just his parenting style, there's a whole bunch of stuff, but I'll try and not go on forever...
I love DH and I accept him for all his flaws, but I'm worried our two sons will turn out like him. The older I get and the more demanding our two sons become (5 and 9months), I find myself with less patience for him and his "ways".
Firstly, it was my birthday recently. I'm not precious about birthdays, I don't expect expensive gifts, but I feel like I want my DH to make a real effort and model that for DS. Now to be fair we were away for my birthday, and DH took DS with him around some shops to find me a nice necklace. I love the gift, it's beautiful, but AIBU to just want a bit more? I don't mean in terms of gifts. I'd rather have had no gift, but a handmade card and a breakfast made for me, with just a bit of acknowledgement and appreciation on the day, do you know what I mean? I love fresh flowers for example, but DH never gets them for me because he doesn't like flowers and finds them "a pain". They both said happy birthday and gave me the present, and DS liked to check-in that I liked it which was sweet....but, I then spent the whole day driving everybody around (only driver in this family), and it was like after about 10am everyone forgot it was my birthday.
I also had to get up at least 3 times in the night to feed and comfort the 9 months old, despite having a very very very long drive ahead of me the next day (birthday day). DH did not offer once to get up and do the night. I'm so exhausted, and it's really just suddenly hitting me how selfish that is. Not just because it's my birthday, or the fact I had to drive 6 hours, but that we're a partnership where only one of us is pulling their weight.
He often acts like the fun uncle rather than the responsible father. It's things like him and DS5 charging in the room with guns to shoot me...that sounds really fun, except I'm holding a baby and a cup of tea and it's actually quite dangerous. So I have to be the one to say no and ruin the fun. That's just one example. There are so many. DS5 is also of that age where he thinks boys are great and girls suck and are boring. I think that's normal, but should also be challenged so it doesn't remain normal! Am I wrong in thinking that? DH laughs along and agrees with him, which winds me up because it's reinforcing the behaviour.
Lastly, the other day (my birthday in fact) we were all sitting down having lunch and DH spent so much of that time on his phone. Even when we're trying to speak to him, he's still half browsing his phone. He doesn't see it though. I finally snapped and said "can you please put your phone away, it's really upsetting me" (watching DS try and converse with him), and he flipped out at me for saying it was "upsetting me", because that was apparently a massive overreaction and I was being "really silly" as he's barely on his phone. My feelings weren't remotely validated and I just felt so much anger towards him.
DH has zero emotional intelligence and I just don't want our kids to end up selfish and disrespectful 😢 DH is also very dismissive of people, and can sometimes vocalise that. I had such a massive go at him for referring to someone as an "it" once, it's just not okay and it isn't okay to expose DS to that sort of behaviour.
Sorry for the length and thank you if you made it through to the end...I really needed to write all that down!