I'm not sure I even like DH anymore, or his parenting style

[Dumbley]

I really need some help navigating these feelings 😢 it isn't just his parenting style, there's a whole bunch of stuff, but I'll try and not go on forever...

I love DH and I accept him for all his flaws, but I'm worried our two sons will turn out like him. The older I get and the more demanding our two sons become (5 and 9months), I find myself with less patience for him and his "ways".

Firstly, it was my birthday recently. I'm not precious about birthdays, I don't expect expensive gifts, but I feel like I want my DH to make a real effort and model that for DS. Now to be fair we were away for my birthday, and DH took DS with him around some shops to find me a nice necklace. I love the gift, it's beautiful, but AIBU to just want a bit more? I don't mean in terms of gifts. I'd rather have had no gift, but a handmade card and a breakfast made for me, with just a bit of acknowledgement and appreciation on the day, do you know what I mean? I love fresh flowers for example, but DH never gets them for me because he doesn't like flowers and finds them "a pain". They both said happy birthday and gave me the present, and DS liked to check-in that I liked it which was sweet....but, I then spent the whole day driving everybody around (only driver in this family), and it was like after about 10am everyone forgot it was my birthday.

I also had to get up at least 3 times in the night to feed and comfort the 9 months old, despite having a very very very long drive ahead of me the next day (birthday day). DH did not offer once to get up and do the night. I'm so exhausted, and it's really just suddenly hitting me how selfish that is. Not just because it's my birthday, or the fact I had to drive 6 hours, but that we're a partnership where only one of us is pulling their weight.

He often acts like the fun uncle rather than the responsible father. It's things like him and DS5 charging in the room with guns to shoot me...that sounds really fun, except I'm holding a baby and a cup of tea and it's actually quite dangerous. So I have to be the one to say no and ruin the fun. That's just one example. There are so many. DS5 is also of that age where he thinks boys are great and girls suck and are boring. I think that's normal, but should also be challenged so it doesn't remain normal! Am I wrong in thinking that? DH laughs along and agrees with him, which winds me up because it's reinforcing the behaviour.

Lastly, the other day (my birthday in fact) we were all sitting down having lunch and DH spent so much of that time on his phone. Even when we're trying to speak to him, he's still half browsing his phone. He doesn't see it though. I finally snapped and said "can you please put your phone away, it's really upsetting me" (watching DS try and converse with him), and he flipped out at me for saying it was "upsetting me", because that was apparently a massive overreaction and I was being "really silly" as he's barely on his phone. My feelings weren't remotely validated and I just felt so much anger towards him.

DH has zero emotional intelligence and I just don't want our kids to end up selfish and disrespectful 😢 DH is also very dismissive of people, and can sometimes vocalise that. I had such a massive go at him for referring to someone as an "it" once, it's just not okay and it isn't okay to expose DS to that sort of behaviour.

Sorry for the length and thank you if you made it through to the end...I really needed to write all that down!

@Everydayimhuffling thank you, this is helpful advice and I think I might just do exactly this!

I think as well...this is your marriage, your relationship...you get to decide what is acceptable // what you want within this. Yes he got you a present - but was it the equal amount of effort that you put into his birthday? It doesn't sound like it.

And if he's only willing to make an effort within his own comfort zone, that sounds like you're very mismatched, especially when you're having to push yourself constantly on your own to look after everyone else.

Lastly, the other day (my birthday in fact) we were all sitting down having lunch and DH spent so much of that time on his phone. Even when we're trying to speak to him, he's still half browsing his phone. He doesn't see it though. I finally snapped and said "can you please put your phone away, it's really upsetting me" (watching DS try and converse with him), and he flipped out at me for saying it was "upsetting me", because that was apparently a massive overreaction and I was being "really silly" as he's barely on his phone.

Being on the phone whilst you are eating with others is so rude and ill mannered.

DH uses our dining room to work, which puts him off us all using it for dinner (we obviously wouldn't do this when he was actually working). He also gets himself all worked up about people dropping food on the carpet. But I remember as a kid having proper meals at the table, being taught proper table manners, i.e. wait for everyone to sit down before eating etc, and I just don't see how DS will learn this if we don't eat together at a table? AIBU with that? He tells me I am. Mealtimes have often stressed me out, I really feel like we're dropping the ball on this one

I agree with you. I think it is important to eat together and teach manners and to have time together with no phones or other interruptions to interact as a family it also lays the ground rules for the future when you are invited to eat with people other than family, attend special occasions, etc.

I don't much like the sound of your husband OP, his lack of manners, effort and attitude regarding other people and animals.

What's up with these adults that can't drive? I don't know any adult over the age of 25 in RL that doesn't have a driving license. I'd find it really off-putting in a relationship. It's a life skill. Our kids learned to drive and passed their tests at 17. As did all of their friends.

I think you've had a bad day and you've had resentment bubbling and it's all come to a head.

Some adults really value birthdays and want to be spoiled while others see them as just a normal day. I think it depends on how you were raised. In our house, we say happy birthday and may or may not get each other a gift, depending on if we need anything. Nothing more, and we're both fine with that. If you want a fuss, he's not a mind reader.

If baby settles easier and quicker for you, he's going to assume you'll settle baby, surely? But if you do want a night off, tell him that!

The guns thing is annoying and my DH does similar things but I'm glad to see DS having so much fun so try not to get too pissy with him. Still, yes, I'd probably shout and tell him to take it outside!

It sounds like your communication is terrible, you've snapped at him, and he's confused as to what he's done so terribly wrong. I feel quite sorry for him TBH.

Have a frank conversation with him about your expectations. Give the man a chance.

And in all seriousness, stop any long drives while you have a young baby and he's not stepping up. If he wants a jolly, tell him you're all going on the train/bus. Your safety and that of your DC isn't something you play games with.

OP some of what you write reminds me of my DH. The phone stuff, the strughles driving, the cooking an elaborate meal to show affection and the sometimes inappropriately childish behaviour and inappropriately strong emotions. My dh is ND and this became a lot more obvious post kids when there's just a lot more you need to rely on them for. Don't want to armchair diagnose but there are so many similarities it could be worth thinking about.

The difference is that my DH does pay me a lot of attention and think about my needs and he isn't relentlessly negative, he just gas strong feelings in both directions. He's actually got a lot more helpful as the kids have got older - he takes on a lot of the emotional brunt of an ND teenage girl and is way more patient with this than me. In the end we make a good team, but I might have written your post in the depths of baby days when I felt it rested all on me.

I think you need to work out what he brings to the table and whether it outweighs the negative. Presumably he has good points or you wouldn't have married him.

As an aside we don't have a car any more and things feel more even.

My husband doesn't drive. I met him when he was 23, I was 22 and it felt like we had a long time ahead of us for him to do it.
I already had my licence by then, but him not being a driver wasn't an issue at that time. It wasn't dealbreaker territory. After all, we lived in a city where it was very easy not to have a car.

We're now 36/37 and 2 kids down the line, and I have to say it very much is an issue for me now. Like your husband, mine tried to learn when he was younger but had shouty teachers that put him off and he didn't follow it through. He's very anxious about it still but we discussed this last week and he's going to start lessons. My argument is that it's about efficiency for the family unit. I also tried the more melodramatic angle of "what if I died", how would you take the kids anywhere? But that didn't have the impact I thought it would!

Anyway, I feel your pain on that front, but it's definitely not too late and not something you should give up on. He can still learn.

This. Why silently martyr yourself? Be clear and specific about what you want to happen. He is not taking the initiative, but I bet he will do whatever you tell him to. And if he argues back then you know he's taking the piss and likes his easy life

I am a very big fan of calligraphy and used to really enjoy making handwritten cards for my wife and daughters.

My wife always said they meant more than cards from a shop.

On the card front, I realise I didn't explain that one properly. I only meant a hand-made one because they never made it to a shop on time...so, I genuinely did mean a hand written scrap of paper 🤣

I don't particularly mind if it's shop bought, hand made or a scrap of paper, I just appreciate DH sitting down with DS and encouraging him to make an effort

There are fixes here - change the flooring if he’s worried about carpet

get the train and drive less etc

but it’s the mental load isn’t it. And being his ‘mum’ is going to be a passionkiller. Time to be very blunt with him and then if no improvement well you did warn him

Some of the people on this thread are being utterly ridiculous in insisting all adults need to drive. I don't drive, my wife does. If I'm going somewhere without her, I walk or take the train, and I'm perfectly capable of taking my toddler with me.

@Biffbaff, I'm sure that if you died, your husband would eventually stumble across a bus...

Haha perhaps that's why it didn't spur him into action!

Obviously we get by with only me as the driver and have done for 14 years but it's extremely inefficient having to always be the one available for big shops, picking relatives up from the station, all visits to see family (both sets of GPs live at least 2.5hrs away driving), getting the Christmas tree etc etc. It was also very difficult when I was pregnant and suffered postnatal complications having to rely on taxis/lifts. My child's nursery is a 10min drive away but would take fricking ages to walk to and I don't think a bus goes that way.
Public transport isn't that great where I live, and I live somewhere pretty well connected.

I don't know what your set up is like but there are plenty of small ways a non driver benefits from the drivers in their life that add up to being a source of grievance. How does your wife feel about being the only driver, honestly?

Driving is tiring and boring and if a partner is physically able, then ideally yes both should drive. If someone can’t drive I hope they make up that time for their partner.

He's clearly always been rubbish.

But he must have good features for you to have had two children with him. Including one recently.

What can be done to get yourself back to that place?

I'm the only driver and I genuinely don't mind. Dh doesn't expect lifts everywhere, far from it, he hates unnecessary car use, so it's not like he's selfishly waiting for me to ferry him around around like an ungrateful teenager.

Of course it's not. I highly doubt her husband is literally telling their son women are bad and he should be disrespectful to them. Young boys saying they don't like girls does not lead to being horrible to them when they grow up. Stop taking everything so seriously.

Actually, if a boy has a good, decent mother I genuinely believe they will naturally grow up respecting women. But that's a different conversation.

He sounds like a bit of an arsehole to be honest 🫤 why doesn't he learn to drive? I think you need to be much more vocal about what you want - for example on your birthday you should have said I'd like breakfast in bed and a big bunch of beautiful flowers and then all go for a nice walk or whatever. Don't expect him to just know because in my experience men are generally not great at guessing what you'd like. And if you had a long drive, you should have told him you need to sleep so he is in charge of getting up with the baby that night. Finally, it's not 'normal' for a 5 year old to think girls are rubbish and boys are great, I have sons and they didn't think that at any age - they have always had friends of both sexes and have never been disrespectful towards me because I'm a woman. Is this something your son has picked up from his father? If so, I'd be putting a stop to it very quickly.

Its about the driving but its not about the driving.

Actually, if a boy has a good, decent mother I genuinely believe they will naturally grow up respecting women. But that's a different conversation.

Sadly no. From bitter experience men with a surrendered but lovely mother and a nasty sexist father don't grow up respecting women. The extreme end of this is how many violent men grow up in houses with violent men. What the mum does, except for leaving, makes little difference.

Regardless, OP's H agreeing that girls are silly is an insult to the boy's mother and respecting the mother is the very first job a good father has.

I think OP that you use this time to make changes. Tell him he's doing some overnights. Tell him if he agrees with sexist nonsense from your son you'll stop doing silly girl things, like cooking, cleaning, driving and being nice to him. Just have boundaries.

He sounds like an utterly selfish, lazy, misery.
You have chosen poorly.
You need to be a lot less nice about it.

@Goldcushions2 I agree with your post, except for this bit
You have chosen poorly
I feel that bit is unfair, it's a lucky dip, you never know how they'll turn out!
I know, RED FLAGS, but when you're in lurve you dont see them, red flags are only visible in hindsight or to onlookers.