I'm not sure I even like DH anymore, or his parenting style

[Dumbley]

I really need some help navigating these feelings 😢 it isn't just his parenting style, there's a whole bunch of stuff, but I'll try and not go on forever...

I love DH and I accept him for all his flaws, but I'm worried our two sons will turn out like him. The older I get and the more demanding our two sons become (5 and 9months), I find myself with less patience for him and his "ways".

Firstly, it was my birthday recently. I'm not precious about birthdays, I don't expect expensive gifts, but I feel like I want my DH to make a real effort and model that for DS. Now to be fair we were away for my birthday, and DH took DS with him around some shops to find me a nice necklace. I love the gift, it's beautiful, but AIBU to just want a bit more? I don't mean in terms of gifts. I'd rather have had no gift, but a handmade card and a breakfast made for me, with just a bit of acknowledgement and appreciation on the day, do you know what I mean? I love fresh flowers for example, but DH never gets them for me because he doesn't like flowers and finds them "a pain". They both said happy birthday and gave me the present, and DS liked to check-in that I liked it which was sweet....but, I then spent the whole day driving everybody around (only driver in this family), and it was like after about 10am everyone forgot it was my birthday.

I also had to get up at least 3 times in the night to feed and comfort the 9 months old, despite having a very very very long drive ahead of me the next day (birthday day). DH did not offer once to get up and do the night. I'm so exhausted, and it's really just suddenly hitting me how selfish that is. Not just because it's my birthday, or the fact I had to drive 6 hours, but that we're a partnership where only one of us is pulling their weight.

He often acts like the fun uncle rather than the responsible father. It's things like him and DS5 charging in the room with guns to shoot me...that sounds really fun, except I'm holding a baby and a cup of tea and it's actually quite dangerous. So I have to be the one to say no and ruin the fun. That's just one example. There are so many. DS5 is also of that age where he thinks boys are great and girls suck and are boring. I think that's normal, but should also be challenged so it doesn't remain normal! Am I wrong in thinking that? DH laughs along and agrees with him, which winds me up because it's reinforcing the behaviour.

Lastly, the other day (my birthday in fact) we were all sitting down having lunch and DH spent so much of that time on his phone. Even when we're trying to speak to him, he's still half browsing his phone. He doesn't see it though. I finally snapped and said "can you please put your phone away, it's really upsetting me" (watching DS try and converse with him), and he flipped out at me for saying it was "upsetting me", because that was apparently a massive overreaction and I was being "really silly" as he's barely on his phone. My feelings weren't remotely validated and I just felt so much anger towards him.

DH has zero emotional intelligence and I just don't want our kids to end up selfish and disrespectful 😢 DH is also very dismissive of people, and can sometimes vocalise that. I had such a massive go at him for referring to someone as an "it" once, it's just not okay and it isn't okay to expose DS to that sort of behaviour.

Sorry for the length and thank you if you made it through to the end...I really needed to write all that down!

So maybe next time he’s sniggering along when your son is busy learning how to be another obnoxious misogynist and telling the world how boys are great and girls ‘suck’ - you should point out how it’s only the girl in this family who can actually drive a car as the man is too scared to?

You aren’t BU and even if you were, it doesn’t matter. It’s your house and your decision too. Yes you should eat together. Clear him off the table, start eating together, if he digs his heels in refuse to drive him anywhere.

I'm not slsgging off your son OP, but the fact is that he is turning into an unpleasant little boy because of the behaviour he is being exposed to by his dad. His tiny little boy innocence is being destroyed and he is learning and embodying those world views. Please protect him while he is still young enough.

Absolutely, you could have so much fun riffing on that theme @Dumbley
To bad if he doesnt like it, he shouldnt dish it out🤷🏻‍♀

But you knew all this about him so decided to have 2 children with him?

Learning to drive is expensive and requires a level of health and time not everyone is fortunate enough to have. It is less of a priority activity for those in urban areas who do not have cause to own a car.

The percentage of adults without a driving licence has been pretty stable at around 25% for a long time now. So the majority can drive, but a sizeable minority can't.

The OPs husband can drive. He chooses not to. And leaves that job to op.

sure if you live in a city like London/Cambridge and don’t need to drive, great. The op does want to use a car so the work needs to be shared

The OP wants to do x, so the work needs to be shared" isn't how healthy discussions in families normally go. But regardless, it's not really the point. The point is that raising the family is a shaded endeavour and you need to find a way to divvy up the nice and less nice bits harmoniously and fairly. I hope this is one you can work through OP. In my house it'd probably involve a big row, some time making up and then a proper chat. But you might manage it better than me.

I do remember my dd at 3 being very frustrated that mummy pig wouldn't fit in the driving seat of Peppa's camper van.

He sounds hard work but you also sound a bit sensitive and a bit of a fretter (the table manners thing or boys not liking girls...) and the combo isn't going to be great. Inherently though he doesn't sound like bad person.

It's time to pick your battles and I don't think the birthday should be one - he did get a sweet gift with DS involved. If you didn't feel so taken for granted generally, it would have felt like enough.

First, no screens at the table, this is basic manners.

Second, elbow him to get up in the night. Spell out to him that it's his turn now BF has stopped.

Third, get him driving or you'll be lumped with all the kids activities in the future. Can you stick some L plates on and make him drive you, any time it's just the two of you (not with kids in the car).

Don't argue about him having fun with DS, he is at least interacting and entertaining him, the three "battles" are much more important.

Now to be fair we were away for my birthday, and DH took DS with him around some shops to find me a nice necklace. I love the gift, it's beautiful, but AIBU to just want a bit more?

Yes he's done it his way. Get over it

Yeah the birthday gift is a red herring

We do have our shopping delivered (and our Christmas trees!) and live a 5 minute walk from a train station, so it impacts on her life very little.

I carry pretty much the entirety of the mental load (she's lovely but quite incompetent and grew up with her mum doing everything for her!), so I don't feel remotely guilty that she's in charge of driving!

I think you’re being a bit precious about the home made card/fresh flowers thing but I can see why you have concerns about the interactions with his sons that you describe. It’s nothing too awful though (by which I mean abusive I guess) but it might be worth speaking to him about it.

Um. I don't think 5 year olds should ever say that girls suck. I don't think 5 year olds should be that rude about any group of people. It's an abrogation of parental duties if it's dad knocking this disgraceful sexist language and thinking into their own child. I don't think OP is fretting. The basics are that you shouldn't raise kids who would be mean or cruel - and OP's husband sounds like he's pushing that child down a nasty snide path. I'd be raging.

To be fair the father is not “pushing” his child into a path of sexism. He’s not challenging his son’s belief that boys are better than girls but that maybe because he isn’t taking it seriously given the child is so young (5 I think). Nor do I really think a 5 year old in mean or cruel for saying such a thing - it’s just the sort of nonsense they come out with at that age.

That said it should be challenge obviously but it’s not really clear from the OP whether she has explained this to him (the father) or not.

It's just the kind of stuff that kids that age says. Doesn't mean he's going to grow up to Andrew. It is fretting. Getting up about that sort of thing is ridiculous. But I am also glad for OP that she clearly doesn't have bigger things to get upset about.

@Plimsoll73 there are a whole host of things, this was just the most recent one and my brain is too fuzzy from exhaustion to come up with them all. These things in isolation seem small but added together they mean something. It's too difficult to articulate, I was just hoping people might know the sort of behaviour I was describing. But thanks for the support.

How do you think children learn what is socially appropriate or meaningful? This whole “boys will be boys” attitude would not be tolerated if the five year old were jeering at children with disabilities or of other races. When do you think the right time is for The father that he adores and imitates to let him know that women ate not a lesser form of humanity?

Sometimes you can be too late if you wait until someone is old enough to understand..

I think you are both reasonable and unreasonable.

If you are deeply unhappy and don’t feel there is a way to improve that, then I think it would be reasonable to end your marriage- though perhaps you could try and discuss your relationship issues before leaving? He possibly has things he’s unhappy about too, and you might be able to work on it. Obviously, if you just don’t want to be with your DH, full stop, then that would be pointless and you should leave.

Your DH does sound like he doesn’t get it right all the time (being on his phone all the time would annoy me too, for instance) but you also sound quite brittle/perfectionist too. Maybe you are just not compatible. That said, you say you love him/accept him with all his flaws- but I don’t think that’s true. Maybe you need to be a bit more honest with yourself about that.

You talk about the birthday present- you were on holiday, he took your son out and found you a nice necklace, which you have said you liked. But you are irritated because that wasn’t thoughtful enough for you- you wanted something more personal like a home made card. I think this is a bit much, TBH. I mean, I don’t think I have made a card since I was about 10 and it would not even occur to me that I should do this. I’m busy, not very keen on arts and crafts (and not very good at it either)- perhaps he’s the same? I would think a gift of something he thought you would like and making the effort to get it would be enough? I guess we are all different but this sounds like being needlessly nit-picky and that makes me think it’s more that you are generally irritated by him.

The gun thing and being overly “jokey”- I don’t really know if you are unreasonable or not. I guess it depends on how often and how far it goes. I also think it is worth considering if you are perhaps more sedate in your preferences or a bit risk averse/cautious (I’m not saying you are). I have a relative who dislikes a lot of noise/ busy environments and also is a bit OTT about safety (I’m not alone in thinking this, so it’s not that I am excessively laid back or reckless) and it can put a dampener on things and her children do miss out on a lot. Maybe you just have different boundaries and need to work together to compromise, rather than assuming he is always wrong and you are always right? Same for the “girls are a pain thing”- it is a phase that many go through (girls do to) and I couldn’t get her up enough about it to insist on correcting it all the time. I doubt anyone would be so adamant about insisting on correcting a girl who said the same about boys, either. It’s a phase that passes and I don’t think you DH agreeing about it- I assume jokingly- is going to lead to your son having a poor attitude to women.

from your updates it sounds like he could be more hands on with day to day things and household chores.

Finally, assuming your DH is still going to be parenting your son’s if you split, you aren’t going to be able to eliminate his influence on them. You can’t remove that from their lives or upbringing. So, if you have real concerns about his parenting you are still going to have to address them.