I'm not sure I even like DH anymore, or his parenting style

[Dumbley]

I really need some help navigating these feelings 😢 it isn't just his parenting style, there's a whole bunch of stuff, but I'll try and not go on forever...

I love DH and I accept him for all his flaws, but I'm worried our two sons will turn out like him. The older I get and the more demanding our two sons become (5 and 9months), I find myself with less patience for him and his "ways".

Firstly, it was my birthday recently. I'm not precious about birthdays, I don't expect expensive gifts, but I feel like I want my DH to make a real effort and model that for DS. Now to be fair we were away for my birthday, and DH took DS with him around some shops to find me a nice necklace. I love the gift, it's beautiful, but AIBU to just want a bit more? I don't mean in terms of gifts. I'd rather have had no gift, but a handmade card and a breakfast made for me, with just a bit of acknowledgement and appreciation on the day, do you know what I mean? I love fresh flowers for example, but DH never gets them for me because he doesn't like flowers and finds them "a pain". They both said happy birthday and gave me the present, and DS liked to check-in that I liked it which was sweet....but, I then spent the whole day driving everybody around (only driver in this family), and it was like after about 10am everyone forgot it was my birthday.

I also had to get up at least 3 times in the night to feed and comfort the 9 months old, despite having a very very very long drive ahead of me the next day (birthday day). DH did not offer once to get up and do the night. I'm so exhausted, and it's really just suddenly hitting me how selfish that is. Not just because it's my birthday, or the fact I had to drive 6 hours, but that we're a partnership where only one of us is pulling their weight.

He often acts like the fun uncle rather than the responsible father. It's things like him and DS5 charging in the room with guns to shoot me...that sounds really fun, except I'm holding a baby and a cup of tea and it's actually quite dangerous. So I have to be the one to say no and ruin the fun. That's just one example. There are so many. DS5 is also of that age where he thinks boys are great and girls suck and are boring. I think that's normal, but should also be challenged so it doesn't remain normal! Am I wrong in thinking that? DH laughs along and agrees with him, which winds me up because it's reinforcing the behaviour.

Lastly, the other day (my birthday in fact) we were all sitting down having lunch and DH spent so much of that time on his phone. Even when we're trying to speak to him, he's still half browsing his phone. He doesn't see it though. I finally snapped and said "can you please put your phone away, it's really upsetting me" (watching DS try and converse with him), and he flipped out at me for saying it was "upsetting me", because that was apparently a massive overreaction and I was being "really silly" as he's barely on his phone. My feelings weren't remotely validated and I just felt so much anger towards him.

DH has zero emotional intelligence and I just don't want our kids to end up selfish and disrespectful 😢 DH is also very dismissive of people, and can sometimes vocalise that. I had such a massive go at him for referring to someone as an "it" once, it's just not okay and it isn't okay to expose DS to that sort of behaviour.

Sorry for the length and thank you if you made it through to the end...I really needed to write all that down!

I'd find this so hard to live with - the constant negativity mixed in with making you the "baddie" in front of your children sounds absolutely exhausting.

I know you said you wouldn't want to break up the family - but it sounds like life would be much easier without him there.

Having recently divorced I've become less tolerant and I would say time for a serious conversation. Tell him your expectations. Tell him you're both responsible for raising decent men. Is he able and in agreement. If not then you discuss who is moving out and how the childcare will be split. See him go white and hopefully grow up. If not, leave.

If he doesn't have the ability to settle the baby then he needs to learn. Fast.

I do think a bit of disappointment and probably lack of sleep might be fueling this a little.

However, you do need some basic expectations of each other and some basic house rules sooner rather than later.

No screens at the table is a basic expectation to set of everyone. At the table you sit and make conversation, you don't scroll through a phone. If he has his phone at the table you have major battles with ipads and tweens/teens with phones to come... Along with this goes other table rules - waiting for others before starting, waiting for the meal to finish, asking to leave the table, using cutlery for cutlery-appropriate meals when you're old enough to do so, basic table manners etc...

I was brought up with and we also have a no gun toys rule but that's more personal... but I personally feel the message that guns are bad, we don't do guns and we don't point them at people is easier if you haven't spent childhood playing with plastic ones.

Focus on talking about things like, rather than "hate" or dislike. Between the adults, there has to be agreement about being enthusiastic and positive about some things even though we might not like some of them - being positive about school (which also means not complaining about going to work in front of them), being positive about healthy food, about tidying up, about family members and pets, etc. It's ok to express personal likes and dislikes about certain things, but not before child has formed own view. So "try this mango, do you like mango" not "I hate mango it tastes like soap" from the outset, but afterwards, is ok to say daddy doesn't like mango very much which means more for you and mummy, but daddy really, really likes pineapple. I generally think it's best not to express hate of anything in front of small children (apart from maybe really substantial things like war... I put guns/gun violence in this category...). Hate is a pretty strong word! Hate is for things that are really, really bad, not mild dislike or non-preference.

With the "I hate girls", there needs to be a clear expectation that the immediate message is that "Mummy is a girl and you don't hate mummy/mummy doesn't suck and she does nice things for us." (also Nanny, Auntie Sarah, blah blah blah - all the nice girls :) ).

You were very unreasonable to tackle a 6 hour drive after a broken night.

He sounds as much help as a chocolate teapot.

Another issue I find is that he's very negative as a person. He hates an awful lot and feels the need to vocalise that, whereas I'm generally quite positive. He hates flowers, the beach, dogs, our cat...so now DS5 also hates these things...

You don't need therapy, you need rid of him my love.

Bite the bullet. Please.

Is he, by any chance supported in this behaviour by his parents/family? Are they quite old fashioned in their outlook? Is he the only boy or went to an all boy's school?
He needs to be more of an adult. There is still time to train him.😀I think you should challenge him on all this behaviour and see if he's willing to adapt and grow.
As a pp said, calm discussions are the way forward. Non accusatory talks, letting him know the specific expectations, very clearly ( and not all at once - let it sink in) Breast feeding often means that the feeder ends up doing a lot of the late nights, and (to be charitable) perhaps he's not realised that you've taken on the burden of that but he can do things to make it less of one.

Re birthdays and Xmas.
I think when you are the person that spends thought, time and effort planning nice birthdays and he puts minimal effort into yours you have to let him know what you expect him to do. Don't give up on these occasions just because he does. It's training your children to be better partners and parents later on. Thoughtful, considerate and kind gestures are important and he needs to know that. I'd present it to him as setting a good example for your children. Thoughtfulness on a partner's birthday/xmas is a way of thanking them and showing appreciation for what they do all year round. Tell him straight out that its simply not good enough to exclaim "I hate flowers" and therefore you are never allowed to receive any. Its not about whether he "hates it" but about the person he's giving it to. It's actually just a cop out statement from a lazy, tight, thoughtless person who can't be bothered and that's not good enough and you need to tell him that. Ask him if that's the example he wants his children to copy.

Address all the "hate" stuff.. and the misogyny, always challenge, always ask him to explain why how much he hates stuff and is that equivalent to (more extreme forms of hate) and ask him if he wants your children to hate everything. Literally call it hate speech, to embarrass him into thinking about what he's saying. His example is really damaging for the kids. Ask him how he expects your boys to develop good relationships with women in the future. Also with the kids "How do you think the cat feels, living with people who hate him? Poor animal, etc."

Be prepared to be accused of being high maintenance. Be proud of it!

It sounds like you do a LOT of the wife work. Delegate and tell him exactly why. See if your perseverance has an effect and Best of luck.

I have to agree, a better strategy would have been to say, sorry folks I had a very bad night and I am not up to driving. If anyone tries to argue just shut them down.
If you are the only one being an adult then you have all the power, you need to wield it to your advantage. His strategy is working for him because you are letting him get away with this, you have the power to stop this. I wouldn't bother having a discussion, just put a spanner in his works, make sure it backfires on him.

Does he not drive? Why? Easily rectified.

I think you do need to remember that no one is perfect. From what you've said I can see why he's annoying, but everyone has their faults. I think divorcing over this and having the kids grow up in a broken family will do more damage than what their dad seems to be doing.

Young boys saying they don't like girls is hardly deep. Playing with toy guns when you're holding the baby, not deep. Saying he hates the cat isn't nice but again it's hardly that deep. I don't see the phone thing is a big deal unless it's happening constantly or regularly. I do think he should help with the baby more and at least learn to bloody drive I think I'd find that the most annoying!

Sorry I know I'm in a minority here. But comments saying he's 'awful' are a bit much.

He doesn't drive and he doesn't get up with the baby when he knows you have an hours long drive the next day. He sounds very lazy and unsupportive.

At 9 months it sounds like the baby is able to take a bottle so he should be able to settle the baby himself by now. The more he tries, the better he will get at doing it. I'm guessing it's easier for him to just say you are better.

"I've suggested therapy in the past but he has always been very dismissed of it."

Sounds like the "hates" the idea of it.
As previous pp said, if you are doing all the Adulting, you are holding many of the cards. Book a session and tell him to be there.

Young boys saying they don't like girls is hardly deep.

Yup. That's obviously not going to be a problem... 🙄

He sounds unbearable OP and you have the patience of a saint. I can't bear the teenagers using their phone at the table let alone my DH... it's definitely not you, it's definitely him.

I remember these sorts of things myself, I'd be constantly wondering why he wasn't kind wasn't fair. Now I look back and I see that the other person's idea of fair was him having all the power and so he was always trying to work things to his advantage. Now I make sure I have the upper hand as much as possible.
Push hard (but be subtle) and get in control of whatever you can. If you dont they will dominate & crush you

What kind of childhood did he have and relationship like with his parents?

You have 3 kids instead of two. Tell him you never signed up to 3, he needs to grow up and start adulting. Oh and why the heck does he not drive?

@PuppiesProzacProsecco @Wantavespa I can see how my post comes across quite unreasonable with regard to the birthday present. And to be honest I accept I might be, because even I'm doubting myself on that one. Historically he's left it to the last minute, because he's forgotten and then been reminded by his mum a few days beforehand. Same with mothers day. One birthday he asked me what I wanted, 4 days beforehand, and then got me exactly that and just left the Amazon package on the table for me to open on the day. Nothing from my son (this is where I'm saying I'd just appreciate a card from my son, i.e. a bit of scrap paper with a nice message will do 🤣). So he's definitely improved on that front, just in my mind I'd like a bit more care and consideration given on the day as opposed to "ticking a box", if you see what I mean? I appreciate your input though, I do think my lack of sleep is distorting my view slightly.

On top of that though, these things might seem minor to some people but I've had years of no help and no effort. He does things for me, provided they're within his comfort zone and he wants to do them. For example, when our first was born his way of "helping" was cooking me an extravagant meal. That's nice in theory, but it's cold by the time I get to it because I'm too busy trying to settle a baby all on my own. I'd rather have eaten cereal and had help with the baby

To answer the question about driving, he just doesn't want to. He tried when younger and didn't get on with it. He found it very stressful and decided he lives walking distance to everything he needs. Even though I've suggested an automatic, he won't budge. I think it gives him a lot of anxiety. He's too old now, I just have to accept he'll never learn.

We don't eat meals together either. We have a sort of kitchen island set up where DS eats his meal, and that tends to be a few hours before we do. I've tried quite a few times to get us all to eat together, but it's not often successful on weekdays because of our working hours. I do want to change this though.

DH uses our dining room to work, which puts him off us all using it for dinner (we obviously wouldn't do this when he was actually working). He also gets himself all worked up about people dropping food on the carpet. But I remember as a kid having proper meals at the table, being taught proper table manners, i.e. wait for everyone to sit down before eating etc, and I just don't see how DS will learn this if we don't eat together at a table? AIBU with that? He tells me I am. Mealtimes have often stressed me out, I really feel like we're dropping the ball on this one

Your birthday sounds like it might be a final straw moment. On its own it doesn’t sound terrible… But his behaviour in general is awful.

Maybe think how you would look at this if a friend came to you on this situation and how you’d advise her xx

I intend to bring all of this up with DH, but mostly tackling it from a parenting pov. I don't think I'll bring up the birthday, because at the end of the day he did try, and that's an improvement on previous years. I think I would just like it if the two of them sat down and he said "mummy is so special to us, she does so much, how can we make sure she has the best day?". I want DS to feel like it's important

So does he walk/get the bus or does he expect you to drive him?

Bollocks to being too old to learn. I just passed my test and I'm 46.

He sounds awful, who the fuck doesn't like flowers or the beach? What does he like??

I think he's quite unhelpful, but I'm also not seeing you telling him what you need or really pushing back about things. I think it's really easy to feel resentful when you aren't getting enough sleep. However, if you don't try saying, for example "I have a long drive tomorrow. I need you to be getting up with the baby" then you don't know if he would do it. It's all very well that you shouldn't have to ask, but if you don't then you'll just be stuck with this shit.

I would be telling him:

• he needs to do half the bedtimes if he doesn't now, so baby can get used to him and be settled by him
• he's not to encourage your son to be a misogynist
• you want a present plus a card from him and son for your birthday
• weekend days you all eat dinner together at the table. Put down a mat under your son's chair

If he doesn't respond to that then you know where you are.

My ex chooses not to drive…yet was very happy to be driven around! I felt like a taxi driver at times - he’d sit on his phone whilst I was concentrating on keeping him and his children safe on the roads after nights of only me dealing with the baby etc. He’d refuse to help in any way with car-based responsibilities and costs - but did I mention was happy to be driven around???

It was a symptom of him actually leaving all the adulting to me. I have never regretted breaking up with him. I like the role mode I am for my children, and the calm respectful and loving home we have now,

You need to start being assertive with your communication about what you need in a relationship - to feel cherished and respected, to be united in bringing up mannerly children etc etc.

@Dumbley Trouble is you can't make someone care about things like that. He doesn't care enough about your birthday to make it special. You shouldn't have to demean yourself by asking him to care.