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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BF 50/50 dilemma. Supporting EXW.

78 replies

summernights2222 · 02/08/2024 22:37

Boyfriend is divorced with kids. I am child-free. He earns a lot more than I do - and we split things evenly whenever we go out.

I found out he paid for 2 cosmetic surgeries for his ex-wife in the past 3 months.

He also still travels with his family - and pays for the entire thing there too. All their flights, accommodation, food, drinks, activities etc... They are currently in the South of France. Yes, that benefits his kids too. So fair enough to some degree.

Whenever I talk about money, he changes the subject. He now wants to do a trip (post family trip) with me - but wants to split it evenly. AIBU to think this is insane? More so, because I did some accounting last week - and found out that not only was I paying half of things, but also more than my fair share of things. So I'm actually losing out here. So at the very minimum, I need to stop paying for so much.

He has every right to spend money on his children. He foots the bill for literally everything the kids do - and that's great given there are so many awful fathers in the world, but he's also still supporting his ex-wife too - despite the fact that she's more than financially well off. His argument is that she wants to hang onto her money and that he doesn't want to piss her off - as the kids would suffer as a result.

He's been divorced for 4 years. No, they are not still together. No, I was not the 'other woman' etc....

AIBU to think this is a great setup for him - but a shit one for me?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 02/08/2024 22:39

I think, given he’s supporting his dc (and up to him if he wants to support the ex, tbh), then you probably should pay half-but no more.

Original poster
summernights2222 · 02/08/2024 22:44

Cherrysoup · 02/08/2024 22:39

I think, given he’s supporting his dc (and up to him if he wants to support the ex, tbh), then you probably should pay half-but no more.

Exactly, but no more than half. Worked out I covered 70% of expenses in the 3 months, yet he earns much much more.

OP posts:
Original poster
summernights2222 · 02/08/2024 22:45

I think it is more his attitude to money in general. He never wants to talk about it - even though I'm the one losing out.

OP posts:
Andthereitis · 02/08/2024 23:08

'I found out he paid for 2 cosmetic surgeries for his ex-wife in the past 3 months.'

I'm out.

Kids are one thing but that's about five hundred steps too far.

Sprinkles211 · 02/08/2024 23:13

Sorry however you frame it you are in fact the other woman, this is how he's treating you, he doesn't even respect you enough to pay half for groceries when he is paying for luxuries for the ex. You will never be no.1.

possum34 · 02/08/2024 23:20

Why is he paying for cosmetic surgery for his ex wife? That's insane. Nothing to do with the kids!

Surprisedmystified · 02/08/2024 23:31

His primary relationship is with his ex wife.
I think OP you should have a good think about what you actually get out of your relationship with him because you seem to not be very high on the list of his priorities.

Noseybookworm · 02/08/2024 23:42

He's prioritising his ex wife over you. Of course he should support his children but paying for his ex wife's cosmetic surgery? I'd be walking away and leaving them to it. Find yourself a boyfriend without all that baggage!

Grannywithnoplanny · 02/08/2024 23:46

Run away!

Lilysgoneshopping · 03/08/2024 00:12

possum34 · 02/08/2024 23:20

Why is he paying for cosmetic surgery for his ex wife? That's insane. Nothing to do with the kids!

On the strength of this alone I would have him on the other side of the front door 😬

lizzyBennet08 · 03/08/2024 00:14

I'm sorry. I totally agree. He pays his share when he is with you. You're not married. You have no children together . What he does with the rest of his money is nothing to do with you so no you're not losing out .

MrsBungle · 03/08/2024 00:17

I would tell him no to the trip as I can’t afford it. I’d also tell him our relationship is over.

ClangerInSpace · 03/08/2024 00:19

He pays for the children’s holidays? Fantastic, what a great dad but why does he need to travel with the ex on these holidays? Surely he could take them himself? Paying for cosmetic surgery for the ex, I’d be long gone.

Original poster
summernights2222 · 03/08/2024 00:20

lizzyBennet08 · 03/08/2024 00:14

I'm sorry. I totally agree. He pays his share when he is with you. You're not married. You have no children together . What he does with the rest of his money is nothing to do with you so no you're not losing out .

I am indeed losing out if I'm paying for most of our expenses - and he wants to split things evenly! He doesn't pay his share - that's my point.

OP posts:
Adviceneeeeded · 03/08/2024 00:20

This isn't the relationship for you. It's too early to have all this agro.

ClangerInSpace · 03/08/2024 00:21

lizzyBennet08 · 03/08/2024 00:14

I'm sorry. I totally agree. He pays his share when he is with you. You're not married. You have no children together . What he does with the rest of his money is nothing to do with you so no you're not losing out .

He holidays with his ex for goodness sake and is paying for her cosmetic surgery, that’s hardly a man who’s moved on.

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 03/08/2024 00:24

Stop paying 50/50. That's insane, if he earns much more. He pays for dinner, you pay for a drink.

Original poster
summernights2222 · 03/08/2024 00:25

ClangerInSpace · 03/08/2024 00:19

He pays for the children’s holidays? Fantastic, what a great dad but why does he need to travel with the ex on these holidays? Surely he could take them himself? Paying for cosmetic surgery for the ex, I’d be long gone.

I agree. As mentioned in the OP, it's fantastic that he pays for the holidays - and everything else - especially as there are so many awful Dads in the world. He says the ex doesn't want to miss out - but she doesn't want to pay her share (even though it's more than affordable) so he pays. She also wants to remain a family unit and keep their traditions alive. But by that logic, I'm not sure why they got divorced. (He left the marriage).

That's ultimately up to them - certainly financially - but he can't ask me to split things evenly - and then be ok with me footing 70% of the expenses.

OP posts:
ClangerInSpace · 03/08/2024 00:31

summernights2222 · 03/08/2024 00:25

I agree. As mentioned in the OP, it's fantastic that he pays for the holidays - and everything else - especially as there are so many awful Dads in the world. He says the ex doesn't want to miss out - but she doesn't want to pay her share (even though it's more than affordable) so he pays. She also wants to remain a family unit and keep their traditions alive. But by that logic, I'm not sure why they got divorced. (He left the marriage).

That's ultimately up to them - certainly financially - but he can't ask me to split things evenly - and then be ok with me footing 70% of the expenses.

Show quote history

You’re absolutely right you shouldn’t be footing 70% of anything. To be perfectly honest he left her 4 years ago, I’d be having a serious think about my relationship if he’s still holidaying with his ex. They’ve split up, there is no family unit any more. I think you’re being very naive.

DaniMontyRae · 03/08/2024 00:33

possum34 · 02/08/2024 23:20

Why is he paying for cosmetic surgery for his ex wife? That's insane. Nothing to do with the kids!

Could be if its things like a tummy tuck or breast lift. Not every woman is fortunate enough to ping back into shape after pregnancy and childbirth.

Original poster
summernights2222 · 03/08/2024 00:33

ClangerInSpace · 03/08/2024 00:31

You’re absolutely right you shouldn’t be footing 70% of anything. To be perfectly honest he left her 4 years ago, I’d be having a serious think about my relationship if he’s still holidaying with his ex. They’ve split up, there is no family unit any more. I think you’re being very naive.

Show quote history

His argument is, that whilst they are not a 'family unit' anymore - they are 'family'. He's not entirely wrong, but there's no point splitting hairs. It's just too much baggage - especially as I'm child-free and yes - losing out financially as well as emotionally/mentally.

I ultimately don't 'need' any of this in my life.

OP posts:
Jumblebum · 03/08/2024 00:34

Walk away op. You can't spend the rest of your life totting up who spent what and how much he has spent on his family. It will be exhausting. Find yourself someone with no kids or ex and you'll be much happier.

Floralnomad · 03/08/2024 00:36

You keep going on about footing 70% of the costs whilst completely ignoring the main point which is that his ex wife is the most important woman in his life not you and as this is what it’s like 4 yrs after he left it is unlikely to change now .

Pallisers · 03/08/2024 00:37

Look, OP, just drop this one back in the pool. Seriously.

His primary focus is his family - that doesn't include you.

If you start adding up what you spent and realised that you spent more than him and he is paying for cosmetic surgery for his wife - it's over. This isn't going to work. If you get to the point where you are adding up what you spend it is over anyway.

I agree you don't need any of this in your life. Say goodbye and move on.

Bellsandthistle · 03/08/2024 00:40

Nah, the cosmetic surgery bit is insane!
How does he explain that away?