BF 50/50 dilemma. Supporting EXW.

[summernights2222]

Boyfriend is divorced with kids. I am child-free. He earns a lot more than I do - and we split things evenly whenever we go out.

I found out he paid for 2 cosmetic surgeries for his ex-wife in the past 3 months.

He also still travels with his family - and pays for the entire thing there too. All their flights, accommodation, food, drinks, activities etc... They are currently in the South of France. Yes, that benefits his kids too. So fair enough to some degree.

Whenever I talk about money, he changes the subject. He now wants to do a trip (post family trip) with me - but wants to split it evenly. AIBU to think this is insane? More so, because I did some accounting last week - and found out that not only was I paying half of things, but also more than my fair share of things. So I'm actually losing out here. So at the very minimum, I need to stop paying for so much.

He has every right to spend money on his children. He foots the bill for literally everything the kids do - and that's great given there are so many awful fathers in the world, but he's also still supporting his ex-wife too - despite the fact that she's more than financially well off. His argument is that she wants to hang onto her money and that he doesn't want to piss her off - as the kids would suffer as a result.

He's been divorced for 4 years. No, they are not still together. No, I was not the 'other woman' etc....

AIBU to think this is a great setup for him - but a shit one for me?

I agree with Pallisers, above.

Time to call it a day.

Didn't you post about this last week? You asked him to refund you for spending on food and bedroom things. And he did poor man

Then you got the post deleted? Is that you?

I'm sorry but if you think him, his ex and his kids are having a family holiday and he's not getting it on with her then you're really naive.

Agreed.

The only reason I looked into my spending was because HE (not me) is hellbent on equal splits - despite him being the higher earner! Also, I noticed the transfer out of our joint account too.

It's pathetic to 'tot up' - not that I needed to, as it was blindingly obvious as to why my balance was what it was.

As I said in my last post - I don't need this in my life/too much baggage.

Sorry, not me! But I'd like to read that! Can't say I'd ask any partner for a refund of anything - ever!

I can, however, dump them. 😂

You dont. Youre being a mug.

Stop being a fool and say goodbye.

Red flags all over. Also he doesn't care about his children as after 4 years he shouldn't be holidaying with his ex-wife unless he plans on screwing up his children.

But they want to play house/happy families...! Hahah. Red flags all over indeed.

Well they aren't one family unit anymore.

What happens when his ex wife gets a bf?

Honestly just run away fast!

You say in this update that she wants them to be a family unit .So the impression given here is that they got divorced really so that he could have sex with some one other than his wife. But otherwise the rest of their relationship was to more or less remain the same.

You have a joint account? Do you live together??

Leave the relationship.

How are you ending up paying 70% of expenses? If he wants to go 50:50?

His set up with his ex wife wouldn’t be for me, I wouldn’t have a relationship with a man who had this sort of relationship with his ex wife. It’s fine for him to do. It’s not fine for me to be in a relationship with him, for me. My choice.

I would just end it’s wouldn’t even go into why. Because he will promise he will step back and won’t or get more sneaky about it.

Forgetting that stuff I think early in a relationship 50:50 between you and him is fine. The rest is too much to get past. But I don’t get how you are ending up paying 70%.

I'd be out with this too, never mind paying 70% of joint expenses.

That's a messed up set up and not good for the kidsas. I do wonder if like PP suggested he wanted to separate so he could sleep around. If he was going to pretend to be a family then he shouldn't have stopped actually being a family.

Does she know about you?

Your post reads like you're early-ish days in the relationship, but you have a joint account. How long have you been together? Do you share a home?

Absolutely not normal to holiday together and leave you behind. If you're serious, wouldn't it have made sense for you to go to, to meet the wife and truly be one big extended family?

2 completely separate issues

1. paying his way as you are both independent people he should pay 50/50
   how much he earns and what he spends free cash on is irrelevant

2. yes can’t criticise anyone for supporting ex family but he does seem over committed to this

does he know he’s not paying 50/50 have you pointed this out and shown him he might not realise
tbf you say you had to sit down and work it out the realise he’s not paying his way

OP, listen to what his man's actions are telling you; this is how it is in his role as Dad.

He chooses to provide generously for his EXDW, plastic surgery is not essential for his DC! Your needs and wants will always placed behind hers, and as it continues you will resent him for it.

Better to get out now while you have no ties with this man. And no, a baby doesn't make it better, as he will likely treat the "first DC" to a higher standard than any you would have together in the basis that "at least they have their family living together full-time".

Run, run away from this situation quickly.

Run.

The longer you stay with this man, the more you'll regret it!

The biggest issue is the fact he refuses to communicate with you about this.

Throw him back.

I'm assuming you are living together if you have a joint account? So he has left the home you share to go on holiday with his ex wife and kids. Uumm, it must smart that he is treating you like a flatmate with 'benefits'.

Insisting you pay more than your share when he is the higher earner is not very sexy, especially when he is happy to splash the cash on the ex wife. Of course you want to feel cherished and treated but he is not treating you as such. I agree with the other posters, this relationship is not for you. Don't be second best. He may not live with the ex wife but he still chooses to be with her.

Honestly op leave. Paying for surgery for ex wife. I'm sorry but you not as important to him as his ex and never will be

If you have been paying 70% of stuff and he withdrew money from your joint account, you basically have been subsiding their holiday and his ex’s cosmetic surgery.

In your position, I would call it a day and withdraw all funds from the joint account. Send him a break down as to why you did that to cover expenses as he wasn’t paying his way when he demanded 50/50.

Sounds as though he feels guilty and is trying to compensate.
What is the living situation? Tell me he hasn’t moved into your place.
What do you do when he has his DC on his own? Do you leave them to it or help with them?
Do you want a family of your own?
Basically what are you doing for him vs what he does for you? Only you can decide if he’s a net benefit in your life. It wouldn’t be for me.

Do you mean he wants to split things evenly, you book something and pay and he doesn’t pay you his half back?

This set up reads as though he has his primary family and then a girlfriend on the sidelines.

He has effectively kept his family unit but cut out the crap/hard parts and added in a girlfriend to fill in the blanks. He sounds as though he is having the best of both worlds.. Just a shame it's at his Ex's, kids and girlfriends expense.

..little pathetic and self indulgent in my opinion.

Why on earth is he paying for cosmetic surgery for his ex wife 😳. Holidays I understand. He's not even splashing the cash on you so what's the point