BF 50/50 dilemma. Supporting EXW.

[summernights2222]

Boyfriend is divorced with kids. I am child-free. He earns a lot more than I do - and we split things evenly whenever we go out.

I found out he paid for 2 cosmetic surgeries for his ex-wife in the past 3 months.

He also still travels with his family - and pays for the entire thing there too. All their flights, accommodation, food, drinks, activities etc... They are currently in the South of France. Yes, that benefits his kids too. So fair enough to some degree.

Whenever I talk about money, he changes the subject. He now wants to do a trip (post family trip) with me - but wants to split it evenly. AIBU to think this is insane? More so, because I did some accounting last week - and found out that not only was I paying half of things, but also more than my fair share of things. So I'm actually losing out here. So at the very minimum, I need to stop paying for so much.

He has every right to spend money on his children. He foots the bill for literally everything the kids do - and that's great given there are so many awful fathers in the world, but he's also still supporting his ex-wife too - despite the fact that she's more than financially well off. His argument is that she wants to hang onto her money and that he doesn't want to piss her off - as the kids would suffer as a result.

He's been divorced for 4 years. No, they are not still together. No, I was not the 'other woman' etc....

AIBU to think this is a great setup for him - but a shit one for me?

You have a joint account and he's paying the ex wife's cosmetic surgery out of it...what on earth 😱

if the plastic surgery is pregnancy related, or something that impacted her mental health which in turn
affects the children, I would accept that. So what were the procedures?

This set up reads as though he has his primary family and then a girlfriend on the sidelines
It absolutely does. And i agree with another poster. It sounds like this is early days, yet is also sounds like you live together. But mainly, he sounds like an arsehole to you. He is keeping everything 50/50, despite being a significantly higher earner, but then he is taking more from you so you are out of pocket. You are subsidising his costs. And he has used that to go on holiday with another woman. You are not his focus.

does he take the children on holiday on his own? Im wondering how much billly big shot actually parents himself?

I also wonder how his attitude had been towards her dating, and meeting someone serious.

Ex W might have said "I want to have xyz done , it's £8k but I can go to Turkey and have it dine for £3k"

He says "Haven't you researched this ? The risks? But if you are intent on having it done I'll pay for you to go to UK hospital"

He'd be protecting his DC by ensuring their Mum isn;t risking her safety.

But yes , I'd wave goodbye to this one , not worth the aggro .
He has family baggage

And also ensure she remains in the country to do the bulk of the parenting and childcare…

Get rid, he's taking you for a mug.

i thought you were just dating this man until you mentioned a joint account.

do you live together?

you seem to think he should pay more than half of your Spenser because he earns more, but how big is this discrepancy? Do you have children of your own to support?

self respect forces me to pay 50-50 in a relationship.

Co-parenting well means also having clear boundaries which clearly he doesn't.

OP do you have your own assets or property? Feels like you are over invested in the bunting of red flags.

Are you taking care of your own future?

We live together, but I have my own place too. I am currently doing my PhD (on a 6 months leave of absence from work), so sometimes I stay at my place throughout the week to work.

His salary is £1.6m pa and mine is £110,000 pa.

For those wondering, I told him I was done. Despite everything; it is a fairly easy exit for me.

Oh thank goodness for that.

Yeah just move on. You're much better off without a sponge like that

He’s on 1.6m and penny pinching with you. Wow. I mean your salary is really high too but the 2 just don’t compare. I meant to say, he’s a classic example of money not buying you happiness. Good on you for ending it.

This would be a huge red flag for me. Like you say, it’s not about him putting the kids first that’s the issue here. It’s the ex wife manipulating your partner to put HER first under the guise of “it’s for the kids”.
You can see this and he can’t and won’t which is your concern. Who asks their ex to pay for plastic surgery and uses their kids as an excuse? An entitled, childish person themselves.
It’s affecting you financially and emotionally.
I would suggest you speak to him about your concerns and ask if he does want a proper adult relationship with you. You’re looking at your future and you don’t want to feel like sloppy seconds. If you get more serious, that ex will ramp up her efforts if now is anything to go by. He needs to have your back and treat you with more respect.

What was his response when you told him you were done? I'm guessing you've been together a while if you have joint accounts etc, did you ever discuss your future together and did he make it clear from the outset about his 'family unit'?

I'd be annoyed too about the spending disparity. It's not like he's on the breadline here, is it?

How did you get all this from the OP? He may be offering to pay for things rather than them being demanded of him.

High chance he is stringing along the ex-wife, making her think that there’s a chance they could get back together. Maybe even still sleeping together on these holidays. Whilst also having his new gf waiting at home.

Great he is providing well financial for his children. But after 4 years I wouldn’t be ok with them going on “family” holidays unless I was invited along too. And the cosmetic surgery - nah I’d be out.

Good luck with your PhD!

You lost me at he's in the south of France on holiday with his ex and kids

Playing happy families

Absolutely Fuck that

He'll be shagging her

Sorry op x

Just seen your update OP saying you have finished the relationship.

Really pleased that you aren't going to put up with his nonsense any longer. You deserve so much better.

Best wishes.

To answer some above posts. I did end it last night. Today, he came back trying to 'negotiate' which was extremely unattractive. He agreed that I was indeed financially losing out and apologised. He also said he wanted to go 50/50 because he had been burned by his ex-wife. He couldn't explain the cosmetic surgery costs, but said 'she asked him to pay for it' and he 'said yes - for an easier life'.

The problem I have; is that this is a running theme. Whenever they argue (which is all-too-often), I hear the bulk of it (and then deal with his moods as a result) - so it's not like they even have a healthy co-parenting relationship. That's why I retreat to my own place - and am able to work there too.

He is extremely passive with her, yet with me - he insists on going 50/50 - but it ends up being me shouldering most of the costs somehow.

But it is not entirely about the money. Currently, as I type - he's in the South of France with his ex-wife and kids. He won't be back for another 3 weeks. It was all booked by the family concierge. Yet he wants me to do all the planning for a trip he wants to take with me - and I'm certain I'll be paying for more than 50% of it. More to the point, I'm priority #4 or #5 at best on the list.

It is just too much baggage - and yes; I'm emotionally and financially losing out. Maybe it is the relief of it all, but I feel like I am on a high. Life can only get better and easier without all his baggage and drama. I could foresee a life of misery ahead.

Thank you for kind words of the poster who wished me well in my PhD. I am very grateful - as well as to all the posters who responded.

God OP you're doing a PhD and seem to be pretty successful yourself ( not to mention busy). He sounds like he's really not worth the aggro. He tried to 'negotiate ' a return? He realised he had been found out taking the piss more like. Who needs to hear about from what sounds like a domestic bickering between husband and wife at the best of times. Never mind from your boyfriend?

I would probably be able to live with the baggage if he was splashing the cash on me 😁

You have done the right thing OP.

I would not be happy with the joint holidays and his financial fleecing of you.

Like you say, you don’t need him, and I am sure a happier future awaits you.

He's not even doing that! He's being bankrolled by OP!

Run. Don’t walk away from this man.

He paid for cosmetic surgeries for his ex??????????