To think I can’t be expected to cope with this anymore and that this isn’t ‘just life’?

[Cantdoothis]

I’m late 30s work full time in a demanding career. I do get to work from home half the week but I am solely responsible for our dd who is 2, ex sees her most weekends but never overnight. He lives two hours away and so will take her for a few hours on either a Saturday or Sunday and does bedtime on the day he’s with her. Before anyone says he should be doing more, yep I agree, but he won’t. He pays for nursery in full and 200 on top and says he is paying more proportionately (which he is) to reflect the fact it’s all on me. All sounds ok until I say that I CANNOT do this anymore.

I am run ragged. I do not have a moment. I wake up and get going on jobs for dd. I get in the car, drive 20 mins to nursery (that’s the closest). I either drive back home or to the office. I work, try and squeeze in a food shop. Rush to pick dd up. Do her dinner. Depending on the mood she is in I will have to try and do a bath, if she’s difficult I do it in the morning. I do bedtime routine, then I continue with work and hope she sleeps. I then cook for myself. I am just endlessly listing things now but I feel totally and utterly depleted with no way out.

It’s not that it’s all awful it’s just that it never stops. Someone always needs me. Something always needs doing. I was so unwell last week and honestly I wished I could have jumped ship and ran away from it all. I hate it. Life feels so bloody miserable and never ending jobs. I want to go part time or something but then that would cause other problems financially. Is this just life?

Toddlers definitely don't need bathing daily, maybe twice a week (if they're smelly)

I used bathtime more as a way to calm them down and be part of a bed time ritual than because I thought they needed a bath because they were dirty

Sympathies OP. Some great ideas above, especially about taking a Friday off every now and then to enjoy some peace when your DD is at nursery (don’t tell the dad though!).

I’ve got a 6 and 9 year old, as well as a hands on DH and often feel exhausted. It’s always kids or work…no family help, it’s hard going when there’s no respite together as a couple. On the plus side, we take it in turns to sleep in either Saturday or Sunday and try to alternate days in the office (so the other does drop off/pick up).

Things that help me are…

• bathing them every other day (unless dirty).
• outsourcing cleaning, gardening, ironing.
• putting clothes out the night before (for me and DC).
• packing their bags (and mine) night before.
• prepping lunchboxes/snacks for holiday club the night before.

It will get easier as she gets older.

I get it. I really do

I was on my own with dc with complex additional needs. No family. No childcare and ex refused to be involved at all. No weekends.

I suspect its destroyed my health and likely even my life expectancy. But you just have to get on with it as there is no other alternative. It will get easier I promise.

I can't hide my disgust for the patriarchy though.

This. You create the calming down ready for bed ritual. They enjoy a bit of water play, into jammies, milk and bed. It just becomes habitual and they understand it's the start of downtime.

Can you alleviate one of your problems by getting food delivered instead of trying to squeeze in a food shop. Make life as easy as you can if you can. If you can take a short cut then do it.

Why is it that he won’t have her overnight? Does he just not want to or would she be very upset and unsettled? Would he be willing to try as a one off, when you say he does bedtime is that at yours? If so could you potentially spend a night in a spa hotel and he stay over there after he does bedtime?

I have two under two and no family help so I get it, it’s exhausting. Do you have any annual leave so you can take a few days off and really treat yourself those days? You sound like you just need a reset ❤️

I understand, OP, it just feels so relentless and you're on your own. Try to make the most of bedtime and when your ex has her. I would agree with outsourcing what you can, paying babysitters, and simplifying cooking.
I paid a local teenager to come in and babysit on a Saturday morning, just to get a break and get things done.

This sounds pretty typical.
Like other said
Online shop
meal plan
Cook in batches and freeze.
Bathe toddler twice a week
Get a cleaner

Gets easier.

That's fair enough, but if you find it yet another exhausting chore when you just need to lie down rather than go through any more physical exertion, leaving out the bath gives a bit of space. Though admittedly that usually means needing screen time to keep toddler entertained.

It sounds really hard op
what do you think would make it better? What is it you want? Then try thinking about ways to make this happen
can you use some holiday to just relax and have some time to yourself
can you hire a cleaner every other week
any teens near by that could babysit every now and then whilst you do something you want to and would enjoy? Or family that would step in now and then?
is it rest you crave? Less work? Company? Some hobbies? Have a think and try and decide what it is you need and how you can try and make some changes to achieve this!

You are doing a great job. It is so hard and you are in the hardest years.

The only thing that would make it easier is if you had local friends who were also parents so that you could help each other out.

To save on some of the jobs: dd doesn't need to be bathed every day, once or twice a week is fine, or flannel wash. Whatever you cook for dd you have for yourself. Even though it cuts off your evening to yourself, try and get to bed an hour earlier every single day, same bed time 7 days a week for you. You'll start to feel better. Just assuming here.
It sucks, the endless jobs and always something else that needs to be done. But the sleep will be the best help, it cannot be underestimated.

It’s too much to work full time can you drop a day or plan to finish earlier on the days at home before you pick up DD from nursery. You need some space and time for you. I was single parent til DS was 4 and I remember the exhaustion despite my parents helping me massively! It will get easier, the toddler years are hard.

My daughter is 2.5 and my partner is v supportive. But I 100% get you. I don’t think I’d cope if he left. One of my friends is a single mum and her LO is 4 and she’s become really unwell from running herself into ground. I’d ask the dad if he can help more. Is there anyone else who could help? Siblings / grand parents etc? Even friends ?

This is the hardest part of your life. It will pass, ans when your DC is grown and flown I guarantee you will look back on these days with nostalgia.

In the meantime just do your best. Don't try and be perfect, don't think about how it would be different if ... Just love your DC and do your best.

Yes it's just what always worked for me.
If she's exhausted, then it's understandable but you can often just sit by the bath while they play.

My kids were 2 & 7 when DH died. I had no family support either.

They literally only have me in the whole world.

I also work full time.

It is HARD. You have my full support, and understanding

When would she be able to do this though? She literally has no time to herself. That’s the point.

It’s so tough and you’re doing an amazing job.

YANBU to feel it’s hard and relentless at times a specially if you’ve just been ill. I don’t have magic solutions but here are some things that helped me when I’ve felt overwhelmed.

1. go to Gp and have iron, B12, thyroid , FBC check etc just to make sure you aren’t low as you’ve been running on empty. You’ll feel so depressed if you’re anaemic
2. take a multivitamin and buy little smoothie packs so you’re getting some bits each day
3. use your lunch break each day do something for you- or at least 2 days. Go for a walk, read a book, have a bath if wfh, watch an episode of your fave show with a hot cuppa.

then eat at your desk during working time. Otherwise all u do is chores.

then when your DC is asleep set 1 hr per night on a schedule so it’s not chores all week eg
monday - food shop delivered and put away. 1x batch cook
tuesday 1x admin hour eg bill paying, online orders etc
wednesday exercise day so YouTube or friend catch up eg phone calls or someone over for a cuppa
thuraday self care- hair mask, face mask, whale music, candle the lot! U deserve it. Doesn’t have to cost, can be what you’ve it lying about.
friday- posh ready meal, glass of something and a film hour. So you have something u look forward to.

i found by setting time like that it broke up the 24/7 childcare. Not sure if it is helpful but I couldn’t change anything so I reframed it.

also when u are child free go to an exercise class or appointment. Don’t do chores. Use it as your free time.

outsource as many chores as you can afford to. If you can afford to put DC in nursery for half a day extra and just have that time off then do that .

keep going, you’ve got this. You’re doing so well to be a complete rock for your child.

The best thing I ever did was get my kids into a good sleep routine so that I had a few hours break each evening. If you can afford it get a cleaner also don't cook twice eat together and you really don't need to cook from scratch every night quick basic meals are fine. This time will pass 2 year olds are hard work and I actually think it's harder with just one as they need entertaining more.

Babysitter once a fortnight. Go out on your own.

Some posters are encouraging op to work less and claim benefit. Please remember this culture will destroy all of our and our children's lives.

Martyrs on this thread must be shrivelling ovaries nationwide.

Suicidal thoughts and health damage aren’t ‘stuff you just get on with’.

I think the universal basic income is a good idea.

As others have said, save on cooking and shopping. Buy yourself a large casserole dish and do a stew or similar - you can make enough for a whole week in one go. Not much work needed to add something to the basic stew each evening.

There are lots of ready soups that are a meal in a carton which make a good standby and a godsend when you are too tired to even face doing a Cook meal or a Hello Fresh - just a few minutes to heat up in the microwave and you have something warm and nourishing. Keep a couple in the fridge and a couple in the freezer so you know you always have something to fall back on.

One of the benefits of having a demanding career - there must be some - and an ex who pays for things, is that you should have money to buy in services, such as part-time nanny, to pick up from nursery and feed your child a couple of days a week so that you can get on with your work during the day and flop down in front of the tv or whatever your favourite relaxation is in the evening once she is in bed. Or you could get an au pair. Plus a cleaner / launderer / ironer once a week for two or three hours.

A mother in my family who works, has husband, children's grandmother and a cleaner once a week. It takes it all to cope. See if you can rope in some grandparents or other relatives occasionally as a safety valve, to relieve the pressure.