To think I can’t be expected to cope with this anymore and that this isn’t ‘just life’?

[Cantdoothis]

I’m late 30s work full time in a demanding career. I do get to work from home half the week but I am solely responsible for our dd who is 2, ex sees her most weekends but never overnight. He lives two hours away and so will take her for a few hours on either a Saturday or Sunday and does bedtime on the day he’s with her. Before anyone says he should be doing more, yep I agree, but he won’t. He pays for nursery in full and 200 on top and says he is paying more proportionately (which he is) to reflect the fact it’s all on me. All sounds ok until I say that I CANNOT do this anymore.

I am run ragged. I do not have a moment. I wake up and get going on jobs for dd. I get in the car, drive 20 mins to nursery (that’s the closest). I either drive back home or to the office. I work, try and squeeze in a food shop. Rush to pick dd up. Do her dinner. Depending on the mood she is in I will have to try and do a bath, if she’s difficult I do it in the morning. I do bedtime routine, then I continue with work and hope she sleeps. I then cook for myself. I am just endlessly listing things now but I feel totally and utterly depleted with no way out.

It’s not that it’s all awful it’s just that it never stops. Someone always needs me. Something always needs doing. I was so unwell last week and honestly I wished I could have jumped ship and ran away from it all. I hate it. Life feels so bloody miserable and never ending jobs. I want to go part time or something but then that would cause other problems financially. Is this just life?

A parent working part time until her children start school is not going to destroy society

I'm astounded by those basically telling you to get a grip, no way. Well done for speaking up, you have every right to be beyond exhausted - and I really sympathise. Can you speak to the health visitor about getting some support, such as Home Start? There are things out there but funding is poor, so you'll have to tell them how you're feeling ❤️
You are incredible for coping so well! If it helps, bath times doesn't need to be every day. Every other is plenty. Instead of cooking for yourself, get some decent ready meals & veg. Could you afford a cleaner for an hour or two a week? If somebody else is doing the big jobs like kitchen & bathrooms it'll take the weight off.
You are an incredible mum, please speak to all of your friends & family about this. You deserve to be heard & helped.

Couldn’t not add in to this, I really really feel for you. You defo need to take some time out for yourself. I have a husband who is fully involved and I still feel like this so I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. I have ended up taking one day a week off when my son is in nursery. I do a fitness class, or I just lie down and sleep. Do whatever I truly want to do. It sounds like you might have the money to do this so definitely consider this if poss or just take some regular week days off. Also, you need to get some help for overnights. Do you have any friends or family that could take her or stay at yours while you book into a hotel? Or even the nursery staff may be willing to babysit for an overnight. You need to block out a regular few hours at least every week to reconnect with yourself. These early years are relentless especially if you are alone. Anyone saying well you chose to have kids is being hugely unhelpful. No one realises how hard having kids are until you actually have one! If we knew that then some of us probably wouldn’t have had them! When you get some time back to yourself and as your daughter gets older you will find it getting easier honestly. Hang in there, and claw back some time for yourself in there, you really need it and you deserve it xxx

I really feel for you, I know I just couldn't cope in that situation. I can't help, but I don't think YABU at all.

As a single mother, who has to work, this is it

Im sorry you are struggling. Could you find a gym with a Creche?
Online shopping and a once a month cook order, they do kids meals too?
Cleaner?
A babysitter that can do a weekend morning/afternoon once a month and give you a night off now and then? Try someone who works at the nursery?
Reducing to 4 days a week?
Things will get easier.

Two is the hardest age.. It’s upwards from
here. Throw money at it. Food delivery. Cleaner. Nanny one or two days a week. Whatever you can afford. Sympathies

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way and I can really empathise with you and how you’re feeling. I don’t think your feelings should be minimised at all.My friend is a single mum with 2 kids.I am not but DH works a lot and goes away for weeks at a time for work.We shared some of these hacks with eachother. they might not be relevant to you but may help,fingers crossed.

1. online shopping delivered
2. cook/ stocked meals
3. massive batch cook of baby meals stored in freezer
4. Lenor crease release spray (won’t need to iron clothes )
5. get a cleaner
6. accept help if available
7. have lower standards in terms of how the house looks and don’t be hard in your parenting everyone is just doing there best
8. download a fitness app with ten min workouts do them while baby is awake my son joins in and giggles most of the time
9. make some friends on mum

apps like peanut they are good to vent to and go on days out with your kids

in regards to working full time we would both like to be part time but can’t so we had the idea to reframe it to being proud to support our children finically.i am so sorry you have to feel this way, you sound like a great mum who is overwhelmed and for good reason .I hope things get better !

I'd do an online shop and think of getting an au pair if you have a spare room. Au pair prepares tea, bath time and light housework, i.e. free in the day, helps out in that early evening slot. Good luck it is relentless at that age.

yes, you are dead on the inside, if you don't enjoy nature, cannot smile at a pretty flower or a cat and do not have favourite mug. And this is why you are stabby, it is hatred towards people who can have such an amazing life without it costing them a penny

What's the reason your ex doesn't have her overnight? Sorry if I've missed this.

I totally get it and you really can't have any time to yourself and at that age they are just so relentless.

What would ex do if something happened to you? If you were too unwell to look after her / in an accident at work or something/ hospitalised? He'd have no choice then but to be the default parent.

Can you use the money you're saving on childcare / the extra £200 to get a regular babysitter?

My DH works away and I can't go to gym classes etc on an evening and have genuinely thought about either getting a regular babysitter so I can do this stuff.

Is ex open to conversations about having her more of the time? I think a regular overnight every week, or even every other week should be more than reasonable. And he pays less to do so if he wants?

Obviously he's a fucking shit person and father and you're holding the fort, so fucking well done you for that. Your daughter is lucky to have you x

No advice just empathy - that sounds really fucking hard and honestly I would be miserable and close to the edge constantly if that was my life. I’m sorry those are the cards you’ve been dealt and hope your life becomes more enjoyable in the future.

Can you take in living aupair? I aupaired always for single people ( by some chance or divorced people or people with partners working away) and it used to cost the family 75 Pounds per week all the way to 120 depending on the area. This was more than a decade ago. Not sure do this still exist but in my time when I came to the UK, I had hundreds of aupair families needed one of me. I had a room, food, wifi, and the pocket money given on Friday night

You can share the load greatly and please, if she cleans for you, don't be very tough on her. The most important thing that she and the child are happy and calm together and often the aupair becomes like a temporary family member. Wishing you good hopes

Yes, this. Speak to the dad, telling him you are broken. If he cares about his child, he wouldn't want you to feel this way. It's in his best interest that you do not have a complete breakdown. It's all very well people giving you helpful hacks (and very kind too), but it boils down to the fact that your child's father needs to take on more responsibility. It's worth asking him and making him understand the urgency of the situation.

Take some annual leave, take parental leave, take whatever time you can off work, and go back to bed at every opportunity. You are exhausted.

As someone who ended up a single parent to a high needs child, I just want to tell you it's still hard work but it gets better.

My child is disabled. As am I. It was vastard relentless for years.

He's 5 now. We're currently chilling together at a music festival. It's still hard. I still do everything alone, but we're in a routine, we're happy and we're accomodated.

We did paper plate days, one pot meals, picnic teas, the lot. We've survived this far. You can too.

I just want to say as someone with two and not a lot of support, it was never meant to be this way. And it's completely valid we all feel like throwing the bloody towel in! We were meant to have communities nanny's aunties, great grand mothers. We were supposed to have better working hours that suited school hours. I remember growing up and everyone being baby sat by the elders in the family. No such luck now. People are having children later because they have to have career goals to get money by which time grandparent's and aunties and the likes are too old or working themselves. I love my children dearly. I would die for them in a heartbeat but let us not pretend as women we got the shit end of the deal with less opportunity. Less pay and working hours which sometimes do not even tally with the childcare that we are actually able to receive. And all the while we have to constantly put on a happy face and be strong for the kids and crack on. And not to mention the never ending mum guilt of not being this happy clappy character that the TV portrays we should be. I won't hear a bad word about bluey but my god how I wish I had the energy to come up with a game in a supermarket instead of dreading pushing a trolley round with two screaming kids thinking why the hell did I do this to my nice little peaceful tidy life. But at the end of the day seeing their little angelic faces fast asleep all warm cosy and fed is the beautiful reward.

Definitely do an online shop or a click and collect. Look into maybe some kind of interactive class where maybe your child can be kept busy i.e dancing, yoga, gymnastics. Take a book and let them socialise.
Get your staples on the go cottage pie, casserole, spag bol. Get them frozen and get bags of veg u can shove in the microwave.
Laundry is forever my bug bear I fear always be a week behind. However if u do atleast one load a day it won't back up as much. Outfits ready night before. Any spares packed in a bag. Above all else though prioritise self care. You need to look after you and that is mentally too. Get yourself something booked in your diary get childcare for the night even if its months away get your ex to agree to one night because you are entitled to look forward to things to. You sound like your doing a good job at the end of the day we are all just trying our best. Somedays the stress of getting out the door makes me want to cry but we get there and getting them into fresh open air and letting them run is the best thing you can do for you both. I just wanted to post to tell you that your not alone and soon will be the school years and things generally feel a bit better then routine is a lot more established and easier to work out. You are just in the thick of it right now but it will pass.

Sorry you are finding it tough OP. I have a similar age DC and wouldn’t cope without my online shop. Also does your DD need a bath every day, mine is fine with every other day unless she’s muddy /covered in paint etc. Hang in there - we are in the thick of it with two year olds but it does get easier.

I raised two children as a single parent from when they were three and five. I also had a demanding job. You just have to get on with it. I can guarantee that one day you will miss this time.

I’m sorry but in my experience YABU. Your ex pays 100% of nursery fees and you get several hours one day a week without your child. That sounds amazing. Yes it’s tough but holy shit myself and many other women would swap with you.

My practical suggestions would be

• lower your standards or get a cleaner
• batch cook, have dinner out with the toddler a night or two a week, or feed toddler a picnic tea if they get lunch meals at childcare
• join a gym/ leisure club which has a crèche or does kids stuff that you can put her too.

But really, yes you have it hard and it’s tough but it could be so much worse.

I’m afraid you are, and it is. That’s the bottom line. As others have said, build networks, outsource what you can (cleaner, food shopping), come on here for a rant.. I hope it gets easier for you op, soo many others are in a similar position (or worse actually).

Get a babysitter for an evening every two weeks for after nursery and to do bedtime. Go to your room and sleep and rest during this time. You will feel better for sleep.

It is hard on your own with limited help. Unfortunately as others have said, there’s not much you can do, and you are in a more privileged position in that your childcare costs are sorted, you’re not financially struggling. Many single mums are struggling financially aswell as struggling to do it all alone, and some do 24-7, 365 days a week. Not sure why her dad can’t have her overnight on a weekend, or take her for a full weekend. A financial contribution alone doesn’t mean he can avoid building a relationship with her, and give you a break. If he won’t use some of the money saved by him paying for childcare to outsource some stuff to give you a break, and maybe pay for a regular babysitter so you can get out a bit.

Have you checked "entitled to" to see if you qualify for any benefits.

I'm thinking 2 year funding from September?

Ask your ex to pay the nursery money directly to you and then use funded hours and tax free childcare (20% off fees) to pay yourself. If you're eligible for Universal Credit, then they pay up to 85% of your childcare. You may surprise yourself by what help you may be able to get.

When they're 2 UC don't expect you to work full time, I believe.

Are you also claiming child benefit?

Use the savings to drop one day a week to give you some me time.

You sound absolutely at the end of your rope and it's not sustainable. You need a break and YANBU!