To think I can’t be expected to cope with this anymore and that this isn’t ‘just life’?

[Cantdoothis]

I’m late 30s work full time in a demanding career. I do get to work from home half the week but I am solely responsible for our dd who is 2, ex sees her most weekends but never overnight. He lives two hours away and so will take her for a few hours on either a Saturday or Sunday and does bedtime on the day he’s with her. Before anyone says he should be doing more, yep I agree, but he won’t. He pays for nursery in full and 200 on top and says he is paying more proportionately (which he is) to reflect the fact it’s all on me. All sounds ok until I say that I CANNOT do this anymore.

I am run ragged. I do not have a moment. I wake up and get going on jobs for dd. I get in the car, drive 20 mins to nursery (that’s the closest). I either drive back home or to the office. I work, try and squeeze in a food shop. Rush to pick dd up. Do her dinner. Depending on the mood she is in I will have to try and do a bath, if she’s difficult I do it in the morning. I do bedtime routine, then I continue with work and hope she sleeps. I then cook for myself. I am just endlessly listing things now but I feel totally and utterly depleted with no way out.

It’s not that it’s all awful it’s just that it never stops. Someone always needs me. Something always needs doing. I was so unwell last week and honestly I wished I could have jumped ship and ran away from it all. I hate it. Life feels so bloody miserable and never ending jobs. I want to go part time or something but then that would cause other problems financially. Is this just life?

If i were you I'd try to work less hours until she goes to school. It gets easier then!

Hi OP, I have three who are a bit older and I empathise. You will get through it when DC is a bit older. till then, I know it can feel like one day blurring into next and just never ending crap. can you see if u can

• get away with not logging on to work in eve?
• try cook and freeze...quick meals?

its hard i know !!!!

Sounds strange but sometimes being with your partner doesn’t make it any easier especially if you’ve got a lazy one. I know mums whose partners won’t have the kids whilst they nip to the loo. It’s just like having an adult child as well. They never get a second either.

I do feel for you though. As a mum to a 3 yr old I can say it gets easier as they begin to learn how to play on their own. But still, since I’ve had another baby, my only “me time” is when they’re asleep. See if another person can help you like family or friends.

I recall those days with preschoolers and woooo boy! Still amazed I survived them. I also worked a demanding, full time career and while I was not a single mom, my husband was a student so I’d be off to work at 6am and returned at 6pm as he went out the door from 6pm to midnight for night classes. One was easy, two we felt stressed and by the time #3 came along we felt we would crack.

What you are feeling is normal completely frazzled and exhausted from when the children are very young. I only say “normal” because it is like this for most parents- myself and everyone I know. Not just the flat out no time to yourself constantly running being normal, but the feelings of wanting to run away and exhaustion too.

Luckily it does not go on for ever! You pass the milestones one after the other. The children get more independent.

This part is a life stage, and it does pass. All this work now does pay off later.

It's a tough age where they are reliant on you 100%. As others have said, are you able to financially outsource anything? Do the shopping online, or meals delivered? The actual 'tasks' of caring, there isn't anything you can do, do you have any family who could maybe take her overnight once a month, to let you have time? Can you take an annual leave day, when she's at nursery, to just be by yourself? Is your ex ever planning on overnights?

Errr these posts saying you should just get on with it when DD has a literal father relatively close by who has just decided he wants no responsibility ?! What the actual hell?

My mum was widowed and had to do it all alone because she had no other choice but blow me the absolute balls of a man to fully walk away from his child and his only contribution to her life to be paying nursery fees and seeing her the odd couple of hours at a weekend?! Disgusting behaviour. He really should be ashamed of himself. And anyone telling OP to “suck it up” needs to have a heart and also redirect your lack of sympathy to her disgrace of an ex.

OP I do not blame you for feeling the way you do. It is exhausting, is it draining. You are doing so well by your DD by showing her that someone in her life will show up for her. I don’t doubt as she gets older and you get out of the exhausting toddler phase your bond will be unbreakable and you will be able to share experiences and genuinely enjoy her company.
On a practical note do you have any options to reduce your working hours in the meantime so that you can have an extra midweek day to decompress? Or even finish work a little earlier on a Friday to have a small break before DD finishes nursery?

Sorry haven't rtft but can you afford a nanny if you use the nursery money then top up? We found it wasn't much more when we struggled to find a new nursery near home, and we got a lot of benefit from it, nanny often batch cooked our toddler's or left a big pan of Bolognese for us all etc.

Or get an au pair, they just need pocket money, could do nursery pick up and drop off, make a few meals and a bit of cleaning.

It's a really full on age! Honestly we found 0-2 extremely full on with every one of our children. It will get easier I promise and that could be any time now.

Have you any holiday you could take, but keep her in nursery, even a half day every couple of weeks? Just to get a bit of time to yourself?

Sending ♥️ Parenting is TOUGH.

Why can't her dad have her overnight? Does he just not want to? I was in a similar position to you but was incredibly fortunate that my DD was such an easygoing child it was fine. And it was luck, nothing more. Do you have many friends nearby? Family? It sounds like you're getting all of the boring/tough jobs and none of the fun.

Could you book a regular babysitter @Cantdoothis . I used the staff from my children's nursery. Just one regular time a week could help you carve out me time

Just be grateful your child is healthy. If you need to feel lucky, visit paediatrics at hospital and see what others parents are having to cope with.

OP I’m sending you a massive hug and some flowers 💐 you’re allowed to feel how you’re feeling at the moment but you really should be proud of yourself. I hope you find a way to make some more time for you.

Do neither of you have any family?

It sounds really tough.

I think that's untrue and actually quite unfair.

Parenting solo with a toddler is tough - of course it is. But said toddler is in childcare FT and OP works half the time from home. And there's only one child - not as though she has 3 under 5. Throw laundry in at lunchtime, make one dinner rather than two (easiest meals as possible) and either lower her domestic standards or get a cleaner a few hours a week. Working after toddler goes to bed is an issue, but that's due to this particular job, not the fact of having a job. So OP needs to figure out that one.

But let's have some perspective here.

Why are you working all day and then again in the evening? I think you should address that with your LM.
You could cut down on baths - she'd be fine with 2 a week at that age.
You could cook one meal in the evening for both of you. I find the recipes on mylovelylittlelunchbox to be pretty good.
Traybakes are also great because once youve got them in the oven then it frees up more time.

Sorry if this is your life but It’s ok to feel overwhelmed without having experienced having an unwell child.

It’s not a competition. Be kind.

Excellent post.

Its hard OP. Been there myself as a single parent. I had no family nearby and my friends worked. I went part time eventually (after two years) until School. I hope you can find a solution to make things more manageable

It is tough, isn't it?

I think you need to look at all the ways you can make life easier.
Cleaner
Gardener
Food from Cook/Hello Fresh box

Do you have any friends who could take DD?
When her dad has her do you get on with jobs or do you do something for yourself. Go to the gym or for a coffee? Because you really need some time for yourself.

I know it's hard but once she's at school and more mature things will get easier.
I was a single mum and it is hard until school and she'll make some friends and you can swap play dates.
My son is 17 now and honestly he is lovely and I will miss him so much when he goes to Uni, I know it's a cliche but try to enjoy it because their childhood flashes past so quickly.

How many hours are you working and how much are you paid?

It all sounds out of control tbh.

You need some breathing space to sit down and calmly think about whether your life is working for you.

A change of job or of location could make a huge difference here. Do you have no family support where you are?

Totally agree.

Ignore people saying "you just have to cope" as that's unhelpful. In fact, many mothers forced into this situation don't cope — they suffer breakdowns, depression, ill health, whatever. Others have family and support. In fact, people used to live in communities, where people supported one another. It's definitely not meant to be one person trying to do everything alone.

But! You can get through this. Ideally, with your ex stepping up. If he won't, there are small changes that go a long way.

Toddlers definitely don't need bathing daily, maybe twice a week (if they're smelly).

Dinner — microwave, eat at the same time, something simple. Have fruit and veg and nuts as snacks to keep your diet healthy.

Shopping — online delivery if that's easier.

If you can, get a cleaner, cut your hours and spend the extra time relaxing.

Most of all: it really does get better and won't be like this forever. My dc (primary school age) is makes me breakfast in bed now! :)

I don’t think some people are being fair. What is it that her father is allowed to decide he won’t do more and opt out of doing his fair share? Just because he throws money at it. I think it’s grossly unfair that mothers are just expected to take on the majority of the workload, whether in a relationship or not.
You are not being unreasonable. Can you take your ex to court to get a better proportion of shared custody. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Can you list what you do each day/week/ month etc and look at what can be done by paying others, eg cleaner once or twice per week, who does laundry, washing, drying and ironing and even putting it all away, online shop etc Then concentrating on work whilst dd is in nursery so you can have your evenings free once dd is in bed.

Even looking at quick microwave meals or salads or just cheeses with bread/crackers with hummus and olives that take very little time to put together

Personally I always thought 2/3 year olds were the hardest work as they are fully mobile, can reach things you don’t want them to but they have no concept of danger and need a lot of input to keep them from hurting themselves. Add on them wanting to do things that they shouldn’t and not understanding why and it just adds to the stress.

I found that if I did everything I needed to do pre collecting them from nursery (ds and dd with around 2 years between them) and I spent those few hours before bed time giving them my full attention playing with them or letting them “help” make dinner doing some crafty things as well as taking them to the park or in the garden for a run around or putting on music for a dance to tire them out before bath and bedtime things went a lot more smoothly and they slept better than if I was distracted doing something else trying to order shopping or things for work

I think the most you should be doing is making a list of what needs to be done the next day or having a rota where you know instantly that the cleaner is coming or you do your online Supermarket shop on Thursdays or shopping for anything else that you need. As well as sticking things on eBay to sell that you don’t need

Can you as you out source things look at joining a toddler group or connect with other nursery mums and go out in a group with dd for a few hours at a weekend or after nursery one evening and if there is anyone in similar situation to you could you baby sit each other’s child so the other can have a few hours with adult conversation. one night or one Saturday or Sunday afternoon every other week

@Cantdoothis ignore the people who could get a gold medal in being unsupportive and come on here to put the boot in.

Short term - go on the Cook website as pp said and order some ready meals. They’re pretty good quality and you can add some veg.
Go to bed at 10pm tonight - no phone. Sleep.

Mid term - start getting your shopping delivered. Sainsbury’s is better than Tesco in my experience. Sign up to one of the delivery deals. Easy to order the bulk of the same stuff each week and in the time it saves you can put washing away and vacuum through.
Easy meals in the slow cooker.
Can your daughter have a cooked meal at nursery and sandwiches for tea.
If she’s not bathed every day, nobody will call childline.
If your budget won’t stretch to a cleaner, could you get a robot vacuum that could trundle round whilst you’re on the nursery run.
Try not to use the time when she’s with her dad to do housework. Do something that feeds your soul. You will be energised by it.
Try to keep your house tidy and cleanish. Washing multiplies in the laundry basket so do a load each day and put it away.

It WILL get easier as she gets older, I absolutely promise you. You can leave them watching a film whilst you get on with something, they can dress themselves, etc.

Right now you need to whatever you can to prop yourself up. Have reasonable expectations of your parenting this weekend. Keep her safe, tell her you love her take her for a fun little walk.