To think I can’t be expected to cope with this anymore and that this isn’t ‘just life’?

[Cantdoothis]

I’m late 30s work full time in a demanding career. I do get to work from home half the week but I am solely responsible for our dd who is 2, ex sees her most weekends but never overnight. He lives two hours away and so will take her for a few hours on either a Saturday or Sunday and does bedtime on the day he’s with her. Before anyone says he should be doing more, yep I agree, but he won’t. He pays for nursery in full and 200 on top and says he is paying more proportionately (which he is) to reflect the fact it’s all on me. All sounds ok until I say that I CANNOT do this anymore.

I am run ragged. I do not have a moment. I wake up and get going on jobs for dd. I get in the car, drive 20 mins to nursery (that’s the closest). I either drive back home or to the office. I work, try and squeeze in a food shop. Rush to pick dd up. Do her dinner. Depending on the mood she is in I will have to try and do a bath, if she’s difficult I do it in the morning. I do bedtime routine, then I continue with work and hope she sleeps. I then cook for myself. I am just endlessly listing things now but I feel totally and utterly depleted with no way out.

It’s not that it’s all awful it’s just that it never stops. Someone always needs me. Something always needs doing. I was so unwell last week and honestly I wished I could have jumped ship and ran away from it all. I hate it. Life feels so bloody miserable and never ending jobs. I want to go part time or something but then that would cause other problems financially. Is this just life?

Unpopular opinion coming up but this is just being a parent. Why are you working again in the evening? If your daughter is at nursery during the day, this should be enough time for a days work. Are you being paid for these additional hours?

hi - It is relentless. Pointless comparing "I did this with 3 under 3" malarkey! It is simply relentless. No matter what your set up - you would have had these moments. When it is all too much and the drowning kicks in, and it often does, I go back to "surviving" chunks of time - next 5 minutes, 10 minute blocks, half hour segments, half days, weeks, months - and back to 5 minutes when I need to. That's my only advice. My only reflection is that it does get easier - but appreciate you're not in a position to see that far yet.

You can cope, because you have, because you care.

Do everything you can to simplify anything you can? Your basic core will get you through.

I think this is good advice.

At 2 he could have her overnight or 9-6 full days

Fwiw i LOVE my dd and ds but if i had to do it alone id dont know how i'd cope and i think im pretty competent/ resilient (i do have high standards though... which doesnt help)
Basically, You are not an arsehole for struggling.

First of all this is shit I’ve been in your position and it is incredibly lonely and isolating and feels like Groundhog Day. My advice would be drop your expectations of what life is for you at the minute, your in a hard phase of motherhood but it will get easier so hang in there. As a single parent you could look into reducing your hours and topping up your income with UC if you can. If your little one is going to school in a few years part time hours might have to suit you best anyway if you’re on your own with her. Prioritise yourself in the evenings with self care, start meditation do some yoga when she’s in bed. Make sure you skincare and make up is good - make effort with yourself, make time for self pleasure. Get Amazon prime where you can get Morrisons shopping delivered same day, it’s a game changer. Get a cleaner if your housework is getting you down to the point it’s unbearable. Do everything and anything you can to make your life easier. Start living your life and don’t waste anymore time wishing it away. There will be support from groups in your area if you look for it. Good luck ❤️

There was a time a while back when I tried to fill out some sort of a questionnaire and I had to tick either sole breadwinner or full-time carer but you could not tick both, and I was both at the time. I just cried and did not fill it in, but it showed me that you should not be both. Sometimes we have to cope, I took to having a drink at night to knock me out, bad I know, but it was to have a few hours of uninterrupted sleep, otherwise any slight noise from next door room my caree was in could rouse me and I had to work the following day, every day. You will cope.

And this is what makes Mumsnet worthwhile, great post, thank you.

You can work out at home. There are some excellent fitness trainers on YouTube. Lucy Wyndham Read (for beginners), Heather Robertson, Rebecca Louise, Growingannanas, and Caroline Girvan (more advanced).

There are a lot of art groups online too. With some of them you get to chat on Zoom. Ditto book clubs and much else.

Invite friends round for coffee, drinks or am potluck.

The point is you HAVE to do something that nurtures your interests - otherwise you'll go stir-crazy. Most of us have been there. It's short term, it's exhausting, but you CAN get through this phase.

It is relentless when they are so little.

Trust me, one day you'll look back at this and wish, you hadn't wished it away.

Can you work from home full-time?

Sorry your having a hard time.. I can understand your run ragged and I think it's normal to feel that way when you have so much on. The only advice I could give would be try and save time and effort on the cooking. When you cook your dinner bulk cook and freeze it so you can just defrost and both have the same dinner. Sorry I'm not much more help other than to say your not alone x

But being an adult who chose to have a child is rarely given as a reason why the father should take responsibility

If you have a spare bedroom you can rent it out to a nurse or student, or someone who doesn't mind paying part of their rent in babysitting.

That may help lighten the load.

Or advertise 'Kate seeks Ally'

I understand you op, you need some days off to breath properly. Your ex need to organise a place for your dc to sleep over some weekends, even if it means you will not taking the £200 from him or pay for some nursery fee.

Young children are hard. Your mental health is very important. If you work full-time can you afford to send your daughter to clubs you don't need to supervise her in? Like going to gyms that provide free childcare while you in class.

Or even an IKEA that does free child care while you browse the shop and enjoy a cup of tea.

Or get a regular babysitter to take her to the park while you relax/ go places.

Yes it's very hard, I feel for you.
It doesn't matter how many kids you have by the way, it's still bloody hard whether one or seven.
What's much easier is not having any !!

It gets easier as they get older. They become more independent, they can help you more (my DD is 4 and she dresses herself now (mostly) and I tell her to get me things, etc...no nappies anymore) and it's a little less stressful. Still hard, but a bit less so.

Do online food shopping.
Get a cleaner in.
Find a childminder instead of nursery that is closer, or a nanny.
Plan meals for the week and batch cook.

But yes, it's hard!!

Do you have a local babysitter? Can you find and meet one? Sometimes nursery staff will babysit evenings and weekends too.

Is a compressed work week an option? Throwing money at a cleaner, ordering food in? Low expectations and the bare minimum. Use some annual leave to take a day off each week for the next month, utilise the childcare you have and have a day for you.

I’m on my own till December with my two, not the same as your situation AT ALL, but I hear you. I’m much less patient, less gentle, less fun because I’m exhausted and burnt out. I have nothing left to give, and I’m ill now because it’s been so full on. It won’t always be like this but that’s hard to believe when you’re in the thick of it.

If he's a "decent" parent (in that he's lazy but ultimately will put your DD first if no one else is around), tell him you're going to have a breakdown if he doesn't give you some overnights to recover and then he'll have to have her full-time.

I’ve been there and I know how exhausting it is. I ended up taking no pleasure in being with my kids because all I could of was getting then to bed so I could get on with all the housework and work work I had to do before I could go to bed. I feel I wished away years of their lives.

My advice is buy in help. I had a mother’s help who collected children from nursery and school, made tea for them and left out something for me. She supervised homework with the school aged child. She also did some housework and laundry and picked up a few items from the shops if required. I did a big food delivery online about every two weeks.

So none of this was fancy . The meals she cooked were basic and yes I had reheated lasagne / cottage pie with a bag of salad etc. the house was not immaculate but it was clean and tidy.

And it cost a bit . But I didn’t have to do much housework or shopping at the weekends or in the evenings.

I did this 4 days a week and stayed at work later Monday to Thursday so I could finish at lunchtime on Friday and pick up the kids myself . I had more time and energy to do things with the kids at the weekend ( Sadly they didn’t see their dad at all ).

I also had to have a conversation with my boss about their expectations that I worked every evening at home on top of my time in the office. I suspect that cost me a promotion but I hope that things are a bit different now post covid / flexible working.

None of this was ideal but it stopped be having a breakdown, which was probably the alternative.

I know this exact plan womt work for you @Cantdoothis as your child is in FT childcare. But maybe it will give you some ideas.

can I add - there’s nothing wrong with you for being exhausted. I bet there’s not a single man you know in your job who is doing what you are. All of them will have female partners who do most of all of this for them - the housework, childcare, wifework and mental load.

You are a star for just surviving this far ⭐️and yes you can do it , you CAN make this work .

and your ex is a shit. Just thought I’d add that , although I know it doesn’t help .

How are your finances? Could you afford some additional help in the evenings? Could you consider an au pair? It's only going to be this intense for a certain period so any/all resources available.

I have no advice beyond what's been given.
Yanbu. It's freaking hard.

And for those comparing a single mom to one that has a DH or partner who works a lot it's not the same.

My ex was a workaholic. It wasn't the same as being a single mom. It's an entirely different level of exhaustion and responsibility.

it sounds hard, as she gets older it’ll get easier. One thing I don’t understand is why you don’t eat together, why are you cooking twice? Either eat early with her or whatever you cook for yourself make some extra for her to heat up the next day. Is there anything you can do about your work? If you could relax in evenings once she’s gone to bed you’d find it less exhausting

I would consider mediation to discuss hours of parenting this helped with my ex who didn’t seem to think parenting was his responsibility. He needs to do overnights! I would consider going part time you may find you would be entitled to uc. I would only cook once for you and dd to have similar. Food shop delivered. Cleaner/ironing help too if you can afford. Speak to gingerbread for single parent advice. If you can afford it look at sitters for babysitting. You need a life too.

The problem is working in the eve. That’s when most people rest, get time to themselves to just be / think / get organised. Being a single parent must be very tough but with nursery and presumably normal bedtime, you should be getting the evening to yourself.
dad should step up of course.

Can you take some annual leave and keep her going to nursery, just to give yourself a moment to breathe?

It takes 2 to make a baby why in this day and age are men still being allowed to get away with the bare minimum or sometimes nothing at all and women are told they chose to have a baby. He chose too!!!