To think I can’t be expected to cope with this anymore and that this isn’t ‘just life’?

[Cantdoothis]

I’m late 30s work full time in a demanding career. I do get to work from home half the week but I am solely responsible for our dd who is 2, ex sees her most weekends but never overnight. He lives two hours away and so will take her for a few hours on either a Saturday or Sunday and does bedtime on the day he’s with her. Before anyone says he should be doing more, yep I agree, but he won’t. He pays for nursery in full and 200 on top and says he is paying more proportionately (which he is) to reflect the fact it’s all on me. All sounds ok until I say that I CANNOT do this anymore.

I am run ragged. I do not have a moment. I wake up and get going on jobs for dd. I get in the car, drive 20 mins to nursery (that’s the closest). I either drive back home or to the office. I work, try and squeeze in a food shop. Rush to pick dd up. Do her dinner. Depending on the mood she is in I will have to try and do a bath, if she’s difficult I do it in the morning. I do bedtime routine, then I continue with work and hope she sleeps. I then cook for myself. I am just endlessly listing things now but I feel totally and utterly depleted with no way out.

It’s not that it’s all awful it’s just that it never stops. Someone always needs me. Something always needs doing. I was so unwell last week and honestly I wished I could have jumped ship and ran away from it all. I hate it. Life feels so bloody miserable and never ending jobs. I want to go part time or something but then that would cause other problems financially. Is this just life?

Be kind to yourself - you're doing the best you can in what sound challenging circumstances.

Can you do condensed hours? So you get 1 day off a fortnight?

You are in the trenches right now but it will get better.

You definitely need a break. Can you spare a day A/L at the moment? Or even call in sick? Whilst DC goes to nursery?

I'm sorry it's so tough. Hang on in there.

Hi, I’m actually female, 2 DCs under 4 and a 3rd on the way.

She does breakfast, dinner and bed during the week, so maybe 1.5hrs either side of nursery a day. She works from home half the week so is able to fit in chores around her work day (and wee in peace!)

Most weekends her XDP has the DC for a few hours giving her ‘me time’.

This does not seem overly relentless to me. This is the reality of becoming a parent. No one said parenting was easy.

This sounds absolutely relentless. You poor thing. If financially viable I’d definitely support what others have said outsourcing if you can afford it. Cleaners, baby sitters, gardeners. I also really recommend using annual leave to have the odd day to yourself.

I disagree with so many of these messages of just “coping”. We are complicit in our own misogyny here - women should not be expected to do all this and yet so many of you are just putting up with it “because.”

we need more from life - women are not superheroes, we are not vessels for others, we will never get out of this patriarchal trap unless we keep saying no this isn’t okay.

OP - it is not okay and you need more support. You will burn out. ❤️

I’m so sorry you are struggling right now, being a single parent is hard and you sound like you are doing an amazing job even though it may not feel like it right now. Are there any support groups around you that you could consult, maybe speak to the nursery or check (time permitting) your local library as they often have notices posted to see if they have any family centred support available? Gingerbread.org is an online group that has some information on living as a single parent. Please know that you are not alone and you are not alone in feeling the way you do.

OP, I am a SAHM to 3 children, including a 2 year old and starting up my own business. DH is a paramedic and so long shifts where he doesn’t see the kids for days on end depending on shifts. It is hard. But what the worst thing I find is how lonely it is (for me anyway as I don’t work and all my friends disappeared as soon as I had 2yo). Are you making sure you get the 25% discount on council tax etc? If you’re working 16+ hours which I assume you are, dd is entitled to 15 free childcare hours (30 from the term after she’s 3), I would apply for these and use the funding your ex is giving you to put towards a cleaner/ gym membership, treats for you and dd to enjoy. Honestly it is so hard, and with my first dd I was single too and felt the same way you do. I went to GP and actually after chatting to the doctor I felt so much better just saying it out loud. I echo the others, use some annual leave even for a day every other week to literally sit on the sofa and just stay comfy. Maybe start bedtime yoga. I hope some of these suggestions help. I think women in general just have so much to do every day we’re just expected to crack on and emails while doing it

Hiring cleaners and ordering food online are not high on a stressed out mother's list of things to do. Especially if said mother has anxiety.... worrying that you won't hear the door or that they substitute things you really need for other stupid useless things even though you specified no substitutes. Also with Asda, you have less than an hour to do your full shop. It's a race against time then it resets!! Then there's being embarrassed by the mess that the cleaner needs to clean up. Worrying what they will think of you....if you're not anxious and you have plenty of money then sure, go for it.

It is stressful being a working mum wether you have a partner or not. My 2 are older and I'm still feeling like this at times. I really do feel for you. Is there a friend who could possibly take your DD for an hour or two after nursery or at weekends? Is there a reason that her dad won't take her overnight? The way I see it, it should be equal as you are both parents. Just because he pays for nursery doesn't mean he gets to ignore other parental responsibilities. Also, when she's 3, her childcare will be a lot cheaper so he can't use that excuse forever.

I hope you get the help you need x

I love these people who think fitting in chores while you're working from home is routine. When you WFH you are working.

And 4-5 hours most, not all, Saturday or Sunday, not both, for the other parent to do his share.

It will get easier when she’s a bit bigger. It doesn’t sound like the situation is the issue more your perception of it as you didn’t choose to be a single parent. You don’t see her a lot really assuming nursery is 9-10 hours a day and she sleeps 11-12 hours and she’s at her dad’s for a day at the weekend. Is it more that you don’t have any adult company? Can you join a single parent network and make some friends in similar situations. Taking turns to do dinner together or have park dates on the weekend etc are crucial. Any grandparents who could have her while you do adult things?
your ex sounds like a knob though. You are well shot of him.

I think you need a better job. One that doesn't require evening work. Sounds like you're paid 150 a day - that's not enough to be working extra hours for free. Find something that you can do 9-5.
Apart from that, you have an afternoon and evening off children per week which is a lot more than many mothers get. Make sure you use it for something you can't do when your child is around! Your ex paying all nursery fees plus an extra 200 is pretty good too. So why so worried about money?
Eat with your child - that will save at least half an hour. Bath her at weekends only. That will save another half hour.

I split with my ex when my son was 6 months old. He is 26 now. Happy, successful, independent, confident. I have sacrificed a lot to get there. It’s been hard but the happy times will over come the down times. It’s tough for you now, but you will you come through. It was hard for me to see and think that there was no hope and future. But there is. Keep working and being that role model your child needs. I am comfortable, mortgage free and happy. Life is good 😊

I feel for you and I think that many people are being harsh. You say that you have a demanding career which I am sure is very stressful without being a single parent too. Please just hold in to the fact that things will get easier as your daughter gets older and hopefully you will have more time to yourself.

It is so so shit being a single mum. You are smashing it by the sounds of though . Its lonely and miserable and so draining!
have you ever spoken tp Gingerbread ? They are an organization for single parents they have support groups, tips, holidays etc
Your ex might not ever help out and who knows why but sadly there’s nothing you can do. It’s shit and tough but you will get through x

I think that it is just life . Some have it harder than you , some get it easier . My kids dad never saw them again after walking out when the youngest was two and never paid any money towards them . I had to work in order to give them a decent life . It wasn’t what I expected but it was what it was and I made the best of it that I could . I look back now and those were the best times of my life . So make the most of the time you have with your child even if it is hard , get help from friends if you can , and keep going, it will get easier !

It would be better for you if he just paid whatever sum he’s paying towards nursery directly to you, and you paid nursery and claimed your childcare benefit through Universal Credit. You’re entitled to 80% of the sum (or a bit less, can’t remember the exact sum) if you’re making less than £100k per year. This would leave you with a bit of cash that you could potentially use towards using a nanny from time to time.

When DC was 2-3 I was very tired between full time work, care for my DC, getting to and from childminder. exH did nothing not even keep our DC at home when he had a week day off.
I carved out 30 minutes a weekday by taking DC to the childminder the earliest I could, then having 30 minutes at home in silence, to have a cuppa before leaving for work.
I even cleaned our 2 bed every evening myself because I knew no better.
Once a month I shopped at a butcher etc, got a big freezer and cooked meals for 5-6 weeks, a little overlap just in case.
I was able to take time off and visit family, it was lovely sharing our DC with loving family, MiL too, and have moments to rest so I could continue being a loving mother.

How much holiday time do you have? Can you not use 8 days over two months just to give yourself a day off a week still paid for? If your employer isn’t happy with that book a couple of weeks off leave DD in nursery and take some time for yourself. Stop feeling so guilty! You’re trying your best. Remember ex isn’t feeling guilty for doing the em minimum and your daughter isn’t keeping score she’s not judging you. She just wants you to be happy.

Why does your ex not have her over night/weekends? How come he gets to have bank holidays and his holidays to himself? What about his parents can they help - do they not want a relationship with their grandchild?

You say ex pays more proportionally. What does this mean? You are paying for a roof over her head, your family car, food, clothes. Does he pay more than CMS would award?

I know how utterly exhausting it is and when you’re exhausted you can’t think clearly. Also, as a single mum I can categorically say that NOBODY who has not been in your shoes understands what it’s like. So ignore them. Also ignore the superwomen who managed on their own with 8 kids and never complained.

A few tips:

Don’t cook twice. Eat (a variation of) the same meal as your DD. Eat the same meal several evenings in a row. Ie slow cooked bolognaise can be eaten with pasta one night and on a baked potato the next.

Cook extra as much as you can and freeze the extra portions.

Boiled eggs, crackers, pita bread, hommous, cheese, ham and crudities is also a meal. Assuming your DD gets a cooked meal at nursery she does not need a full cooked meal every evening.

2-year-olds don’t need a bath every day.

Shop online. Create a basic basket of things you buy weekly and repeat each week and add to this to save time. Or create a rota of meals (say 3 weeks worth) then create 3 baskets and rotate those every 3 weeks.

Do you need to work evenings or is this something you can bring up with your employer? Sounds like you are overworked and need an assistant or someone to take over some of your tasks because they can not be managed by one person in a normal working week.

Have a chat with your GP because I think you may be showing signs of post natal depression which would be completely understandable but also there may be help.

Please hear me when I say this will pass. This is a season of your life that is unfathomably busy. I hear you.

It will get better. You will even look back with fondness at this time.

In the meantime, lean into it. Accept that you have limited time and inconsistent pulls on what time you have. Can I suggest the following practical steps:

-don't cook separately for you and your child. Cook one meal and eat together.

-cook things that can be put into the freezer and pulled out. Most recipes are for four people. So (with a two year old) that is practically four days of cooking done in one.

-it sounds like you are food shopping most days - why? Don't do that. Get a once a week food delivery if you can, or if you can't, do it first thing on a Saturday morning with your daughter and make a game of it.
-use your time with your daughter to double up on other things. If she is in the bath, clean the basin and mirror.

-fit in some fun time with her. It sounds like the weeks are bad, but the weekends are not so busy with work and you have some time off. Take her to the park. Try to enjoy her, rather than manage her. Try to treat her and you as a team, rather than a problem you need to wrestle with. She will understand your vibes. Having her on your team is far easier than treating her as a problem.

-always, always get the next day's clothes ready the night before. No matter how tired you are.

You are blessed to have a healthy child and a good job. That does not make it easy, but this time of your life could be one of your happiest.

I hear you - my 1.30am sessions writing reports with a crying baby over my shoulder, and the childminder dash with a screaming toddler in tow. I get it. Nothing will change the busyness. But you may be able to feel better about it.

I'm so sorry OP, it is so tough when they're this age - I felt exactly the same as you. I starting getting Tesco deliveries which helped massively, ready meals will make life easier too. If you can, batch cook something at the weekend. Try to put a wash on the timer for the days your in work so it's finishing when you get home helps a lot too.
It is really tough when they're 2, my DD is now 4 and it has gotten so much easier (she can now tidy after herself, may not always be happy about it mind!). At this age I started taking her swimming once a week so we did something fun together, and soft play is a good send as I can have a coffee while she burns off all the crazy 🤣.

I'm a teacher and will often work when DD has gone to bed, so I really get how you are feeling now (it's exactly how I felt at that stage). When she was 3 I decided to get my life back a bit, so make sure you make the most of the little free time you get (have a bath when she's gone to bed at the weekend, go for a coffee when her dad is with her). I know it feels unhelpful now to hear that it will get easier, but it will do soon x x x

I'm assuming you're not a single parent (please do correct me if I'm wrong). It is tough, the emotional and mental load is all on one person. The OP hasn't said that she thought it would be easy, but she also didn't think she would be a single parent.

Yes, her daughter is at nursery so she doesn't see her that much in the week - which is exactly the same as most working mums. This is the way that we have to be now, not by choice, but necessity!

It's very difficult to judge someone's life if you haven't been in that situation, she just wants advice on how to make life easier

I am still trying to get my head around the fact that so many men seem to think actually parenting on an equal basis is something they can just say “no” to.

WTAF.

No YANBU for wanting him to do more.

unfortunately this is the reality for a lot of mums. Particularly hard for working single mums. My advice would be just to find ways to fill your own cup. Hire a cleaner once a week and use the extra time to do something for yourself, e.g. read a book or something you don’t have time for. Order groceries online. Dad should do it but if not ask family or friends you trust to take daughter once a fortnight overnight on a Friday night or something regular. This will be good for both yourself and your little one to know there are other family supports. But remember this time will pass and it will get easier just find ways to get through.