To think I can’t be expected to cope with this anymore and that this isn’t ‘just life’?

[Cantdoothis]

I’m late 30s work full time in a demanding career. I do get to work from home half the week but I am solely responsible for our dd who is 2, ex sees her most weekends but never overnight. He lives two hours away and so will take her for a few hours on either a Saturday or Sunday and does bedtime on the day he’s with her. Before anyone says he should be doing more, yep I agree, but he won’t. He pays for nursery in full and 200 on top and says he is paying more proportionately (which he is) to reflect the fact it’s all on me. All sounds ok until I say that I CANNOT do this anymore.

I am run ragged. I do not have a moment. I wake up and get going on jobs for dd. I get in the car, drive 20 mins to nursery (that’s the closest). I either drive back home or to the office. I work, try and squeeze in a food shop. Rush to pick dd up. Do her dinner. Depending on the mood she is in I will have to try and do a bath, if she’s difficult I do it in the morning. I do bedtime routine, then I continue with work and hope she sleeps. I then cook for myself. I am just endlessly listing things now but I feel totally and utterly depleted with no way out.

It’s not that it’s all awful it’s just that it never stops. Someone always needs me. Something always needs doing. I was so unwell last week and honestly I wished I could have jumped ship and ran away from it all. I hate it. Life feels so bloody miserable and never ending jobs. I want to go part time or something but then that would cause other problems financially. Is this just life?

She chose to have a child with another person.

Why is she expected to “cope” while he gets to opt out?

Her ex taking his child for a couple of hours on a Saturday or Sunday most weeks is “involved parenting”?

The bar is in hell.

This is what having a child is like what were you expecting? Life is not sunshine and roses and like what they portray on screen

It is really hard and the parent that has to do all this often gets no recognition! But could there be more going on here, could you be a little depressed maybe.Good luck x

Hi OP. Sorry to hear this. This is single parenting unfortunately. It sucks. Or at least it will for a while. It gets better as they( little ones) become more independent. But yes. It’s horrible and very isolating at times. School will likely make things better as school Mums literally know exactly how you are feeling. You will get through it. Best of luck and mind yourself.

It really is sh*t at times. But you are very early stage. And it WILL get better.

Typical for most working mums I'm afraid OP, single or not. It helps if you have family to support you and it will get easier as your DD grows up. Try and find some time for you here and there if you can x

Also forgot to mention that a lot of gyms have a crèche. You could book her in for a two hour session, go for a swim or workout, sauna and grab a coffee for a bit of me-time during those hours.

@Cantdoothis you are absolutely not being unreasonable and it makes me incredibly sad to read some of the responses in this thread. By normalising this experience because either you've done it or your situation was worse is not helpful or healthy for anyone.

I was facing a similar situation to you where my ex was saying that he was moving away, wouldn't be able to have the kids overnight, wouldn't be able to pay much in the way of maintenance and expecting me to pick up the slack and I was on the brink of falling apart so I turned around to him and said you need to take over and pretend that I'm dead - I'm not here anymore, what would you do?

It took him realising what life would look like for him if I was out of the picture to pull his socks up and find a solution that was fair for both of us.

I get that your ex sends money, but it's not enough and doesn't make up for the absense of a full time father in your child’s life. Unless he is willing to pay for a "replacement dad" that can offer you a REAL break - I'm talking live in help so you can have an actual break and it not affect your career or income - then no, what he is doing is completely unreasonable, unfair and normalising it and making you feel bad for not coping is absolutely not okay!!

And mumsnet can completely shoot me down but this isn't about your choice to have children (because the choice was from both of you - his penis didn't accidently enter your vagina repeatedly by accident. Sorry, not sorry 🤷🏻‍♀️) but it is about your mental health, which, whether peeps on mumsnet want to acknowledge or not, has a significant impact on your child and their mental health. So making you feel guilty about not being able to cope in this situation is really unhelpful and just compounds it even further!

He lives 2 hours away from his child that's his choice but it doesn't remove his responsibility to parent his child - and it is his responsibility. So I would start from the place of if I wasn't here, what would you do and make him come up with a solution because it is his responsibility and you've been having the lions share of the mental load so get him to take it on and see how he feels having all that responsibility for a change 🤷🏻‍♀️

May not be a popular opinion but I thought you needed to know that there is nothing wrong with you and how you are feeling is perfectly normal given your situation and that it's not fair or okay for you to be in this position.

Can you eat with Dd in the evening. 2-3 year olds are such hard work.

It’s so hard in those earlier years. I was with my husband but he worked long hours and had long stretches of working away. It was so difficult but (I know it’s little comfort now) it does get better as they grow.
I would book a weekly delivery for the food first of all and do what I could to make cooking easier - batch cooking or get those boxes with food for a particular recipe.
Id also build up a good friend support network.
I might even consider moving, if I could move closer to relatives that could provide significant support, or move closer to the ex. This may obviously mean a change in job/house but if I could be assured of more support I would see what is possible. I’m not saying it is fair YOU having to do this, your ex is being unreasonable …but you can’t control his actions/decisions….only your own.
Every night, as soon as your daughter goes to bed, I’d take time for myself. There are always jobs to do but forget about them for a while - the most important thing is self care to stop yourself running on empty xx

My ex gave me £20 per month for a 14yr old boy and a 1 year old girl. He had previously kicked our 16 year old son, for sticking up for me when he was being aggressive towards me, I was too scared to do anything, but did kick him out not long after, when I saw how our baby girl was affected by him one day. He constantly said it was not his fault I had such a low wage compared to him (he's a research and development electrical engineer for a well known sports car company), and boasted his tax alone was over £900 per month. If it wasn't for my parents, I would have been completely lost, they would often buy me shopping so that I had plenty of food in the house, and helped with big bills when I was short. Please don't feel like you can't ask your family and friends for help when you need it, even if it's just for some time to yourself to relax! 🫂🫂

Love this idea 💡

You could also try a 9 day fortnight. It worked for me as a breather when I couldn’t quite afford to only work 4 days.

I would definitely drop a day - sometimes when tax etc is factored in the drop in income isn’t as big as it seems. You could have a chunk of time to yourself on your off day and maybe pick up dc early from nursery that day to spend some fun time together. At this age I loved meeting other mums at groups etc and that way you will build up a support network. A couple of half days off instead of a full day might work too.

I’m also wondering if you are suffering with MH and maybe talk to your gp.

Why are you going back to work after DD is in bed? If you're working more than your 40 hours, can you apply for compressed hours and work 4 days for same pay? It sounds like you're doing more hours every day than you should be so why not make it work for you.

Thr main thing to remember is it won’t be like this forever. This is the age I found hardest and then slowly, slowly things get easier. From 3 you can have a cuppa and a rest when they are in their swim/gymnastic/football (or whatever class). From 3 or 4 you can start to work on taking turns with things from other parents/neighbours.

i would also be thinking about the money sude. Will he continue to pay the same when nursery gets cheaper after age 3, or when they go to school. You will need that money for clubs/increased food etc. Then life will be much easier, pay for a cleaner, food deliveries.

Is there a local babysitter I.e 6th former who could come one evening a week or weekend. You could still be in the house and they could entertain your child.

This is a great idea and if you can manage it please do think of it. Even temporarily. Can you explain to your ex he needs to take her overnight one night or pay the shortfall if you drop a day?

That's quite a presumption. If you collect your child from wrap around care, get home, make tea, give her a bath, story time, wee before bed, teeth etc with all the playing up that being 2 involves over these simple activities, then you try to settle her it's probably about 8pm. Come back down, tidy toys, do the washing up, cleaning, laundry, prep for next day. Resettle her, as many toddlers don't just fall asleep but call out several times or need the bathroom or come downstairs. I can't imagine having a load of time to myself in this scenario.

Perhaps you are not a single mother @RomeoRivers and base your reality on TV shows where, when parents say 'bedtime', children skip off to bed and are never seen again all night long.

I agree this is a brilliant idea. You'll save on tax, commuting, sanity, health. You could spend the morning doing chores that save time all week - batch cooking and laundry, then have an afternoon to yourself to sleep or take a class or meet a friend.

Hang in there @Cantdoothis , you are nearly over the hardest bit. Don't cook twice everyday, just eat when DD does. Is where she will go to school close to home? If that is also a drive away, I would seriously consider moving.

Reality shows? Really?

I’m not a single mother, but I do have a nearly 4 and nearly 2 yo.
Nursery pick up at 5.30pm, dinner, bed at 7pm. I don’t see the 2yo until 7 the next morning.

I am not diminishing the mental load or responsibility that comes with being a single parent, but equally I don’t think it’s helpful to tell OP that her situation is awful or unusual. It’s not; this is ‘just life’.

You need a rest and change of scenery. Can you go on a break or short holiday with DD ? Do you have relatives anywhere you could stay with or near to help at all? Could you afford a cleaner /babysitter? I employed mature ladies to do both even if it’s only for a few hours to help out need not cost too much! Try care.com or gumtree you could do part time although sometimes believe it or not that can be worse. Here we go with the I had to do it my husband was away thing but that’s how I know how hard it is I used to cry going to work sometimes. Thing is you must have time for yourself for your wellbeing and do something u want to do not have to do. Ex needs to take her for a weekend or at least a night, why not ?

@Cantdoothis life does get get better when your child is a little older and it will get a bit better again when your child is at school.
You will verry soon find that your child is good company and you can chat and do activities together. A lot of friends had their child in swimming lessons at the local lesure centre twice a week while they did exercise classes. They got done time and the kid learned to swim and got rid of some energy makinfmg bedtime esier. Signed up for rainbows/squirrels (the youngest scouting group age 4) and had an hour in the evening to shop/ chill but these have waiting lists so get on them all!

Until then are you able to work compressed hours? I work compressed I have a short lunch, work 8-5.30 but have Thursday completely to myself and my income is same. It's a long working day but knowing I have a day to myself while the kids are at school make it perfect for us.

This stage doesn't last long, I know it feels like it does but it really does go quickly.