To think I can’t be expected to cope with this anymore and that this isn’t ‘just life’?

[Cantdoothis]

I’m late 30s work full time in a demanding career. I do get to work from home half the week but I am solely responsible for our dd who is 2, ex sees her most weekends but never overnight. He lives two hours away and so will take her for a few hours on either a Saturday or Sunday and does bedtime on the day he’s with her. Before anyone says he should be doing more, yep I agree, but he won’t. He pays for nursery in full and 200 on top and says he is paying more proportionately (which he is) to reflect the fact it’s all on me. All sounds ok until I say that I CANNOT do this anymore.

I am run ragged. I do not have a moment. I wake up and get going on jobs for dd. I get in the car, drive 20 mins to nursery (that’s the closest). I either drive back home or to the office. I work, try and squeeze in a food shop. Rush to pick dd up. Do her dinner. Depending on the mood she is in I will have to try and do a bath, if she’s difficult I do it in the morning. I do bedtime routine, then I continue with work and hope she sleeps. I then cook for myself. I am just endlessly listing things now but I feel totally and utterly depleted with no way out.

It’s not that it’s all awful it’s just that it never stops. Someone always needs me. Something always needs doing. I was so unwell last week and honestly I wished I could have jumped ship and ran away from it all. I hate it. Life feels so bloody miserable and never ending jobs. I want to go part time or something but then that would cause other problems financially. Is this just life?

I know how it feels I have 2 17 months apart and this was me for a long time. It does get better though, they are 4 and 5 now and life is much easier as they will do their own thing for a few hours a day now so I do get a bit of a break.
However, I work 3 days a week and am lucky to qualify for universal credit which pretty much covers my nursery and after school club fees. Taking into account petrol I am better off working 3 days that working full time, batshit I know.
also , definitely do food shopping online and get it delivered, this saved me in the early days.
good luck, you can do this. You already are xx

Sounds like you’re maybe a bit depressed. Have you spoken to a doctor about how you feel? It’s worth checking your iron levels etc to see if it’s something physical.

Have you looked to see if you’re eligible for universal credits or anything? You’d get 85% help towards childcare. It might help as you could cut hours maybe.

It’s shit when they are young, even with a partner. I’m sorry you are having such a hard time - it will get easier ! I worked full time as did my partner and he worked most weekends as well so was never really there. I found on line shop and some frozen ready meals nessessry, swimming on Saturday morning knackered her out , and arranging play dates in the park. You get out of the house, can grab a coffee and some adult conversation. Whilst the LO are busy running around. Also have you considered church - I’m not religious myself but some people find a church to be a supportive community, especially if you don’t have family who can help. Also when your ex has your LO go and do something for yourself ; go for a swim or something . Don’t spend those precious hours folding laundry!

I agree!

OP, it’s bloody hard doing what you’re doing. Try to make your life a bit easier by getting in some paid help, so you have time go out and meet other mums and their children. Build a network.

It's hard and I know as similar situ as you. But 100 per cent on my own and have been for 15 years and juggled working and being mum.
Others say its the same as they have a partner that works away...that's not the same at all. As they still have an adult.to talk to.
When single parent/sole parent it is not the same as co.parenting or being with someone that works a lot.
It's bloody hard..but also massively rewarding as you should be proud you do.it on your own. The bond with your child will he amazing etc.
You get to make the choices etc x

My heart goes out to you. Things do get easier as the children get older. I was in a similar position to you - divorced with a little one and doing everything while working full time in a demanding career. My ex paid nothing and continues to pay nothing, so it all falls on me financially.

I promise you that it does get easier. I suggest ordering groceries online to be delivered and try and get in a set routine with your daughter as much a possible. It makes life easier. If your ex can even have her one night a week that would allow you to just sleep.

You are not alone with this. Please don’t feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I’m at point now where my child is fantastic company and fun to be with. We can go to fun places and have really nice holidays. They also become more self sufficient so you can do things for yourself, like have a bath or a nap while they watch TV or create some art etc. hang in there OP. Xx

100x this!
It is SO difficult, and whilst it doesn’t help right now, it WILL get better.
If dropping a day at work would lose you £600 a month, why don’t you instead try outsourcing what you can afford? A cleaner a couple of hours a week to do the kitchen, bathroom, and some washing.
Maybe look at reducing nursery costs by using a childminder? They cost less usually, and can be more flexible. Would a nanny be cheaper than nursery? That would get you a bit of help around the house too.
Definitely do your food shop online and have it delivered when DD is in bed.
Why are you working when she is in bed too?
Is she getting her funded nursery hours yet? Are you claiming everything you can?
I do think you need to talk to your ex and try and get him to have her overnight, at least once a month.
Are you friends with any nursery parents? Having someone with a similar aged child found for an hour can make a huge difference to your sanity! If you aren’t in a parent WhatsApp group at nursery, get in it - or start one if there isn’t one already. I know that I wouldn’t hesitate to come and watch both our kids to give you a break if the favour was returned.
I hope you’re doing ok today - I live in Nottingham - if you’re local, I would be happy to be your friend x

Also, you've been ill. That is the wooorst. You feel like death and it doesn't stop or even let up a bit.
Tbh, all bets are off when you are ill. It's pure survival. Call in help if you can. Otherwise, just try to remember that when you finally feel better, it will all feel easier too. Easier said than done. When I feel ill, that is when I really, really don't cope. The dog gets yelled at a lot and I feel like a terrible person.

im so sorry you’re struggling. It’s absolutely awful the exhaustion juggling everything alone.
i was left alone with 3 very young children (refuge / abusive ex) and had to re start with only me and no family in a new part of the UK. Some days I would feel I just couldn’t go on, juggling work, home, kids, garden and especially finances!! life was work and work and very little sleep. I had nothing, did nothing. Just work. I reached the stage where I knew I was at the end, at risk of either running away (I considered it but knew I couldn’t), or having an accident due to exhaustion. I managed the kids alone with a broken leg, after surgery etc. THEN I decided as long as bills got paid and we had food I couldn’t fight anymore. I went part time and claimed benefits. We didn’t have the same money but it massively took the strain off having an extra day home, as they got older and started school I had time for errands and housework. I brought second hand, sold outgrown stuff, accepted charitable help when offered. What I didn’t do was reach out for help emotionally and I should have, to my doctor, old friends, charities. I’m happy to chat if I can help so please feel free to message x

I’ve only read the first page of posts but i think a lot of people are being incredibly unsympathetic.

You sound very tired and very sad. That’s completely understandable when you’re getting no break at all. Just remember that you are doing an absolutely amazing job that - honestly - so many people wouldn’t be able to do. You a wonderful mummy doing her very best to support her child ❤️

i don’t have any specific advice but i would try not to be so hard on yourself. If there is any way you can cut your hours or get a cleaner without giving yourself too much financial anxiety I would. Please don’t martyr yourself to be perfect.

It absolutely will get easier as your child gets older. In the meantime please know what a great job you are doing x

Why not just take some AL to have some time alone? It'll help.

But otherwise yes, it is hard. Especially at the age your daughter is.

Can you move closer to work and nursery? Do online shops? Get a cleaner? Join a gym with a creche?

👏

Are you actually joking? Who doesn't feel resentful when they are exhausted and don't get any me time for months on end,

😄 A couple of hours on the weekend is not time off. It's barely enough time to have a nap.
She's not been feeling well either.
You can't use your life to try to invalidate somebody's feelings about her own life. It's nonsense. She's in a different situation and is a different person. It's not a competition and if you don't have anything supportive to say you shouldn't participate.

I haven't read the whole thread but... Would you be entitled to any universal credit? I know your ex pays for childcare and more, but maintenance isn't taken into account for benefits calculations and so you might still be entitled to some financial help with childcare. You could then use the extra money from the ex's money he pays you for childcare, to pay for a cleaner/ a meal prep service etc.

May be immoral but not illegal and you need to do what you need to do to be able to cope.

Hi op,

you are way too strecthed into your « need to do » and have no time for the « want to do »

When I get like that I do a few things that I know will help me feel back to normal, I assume you did that already??

If the normal things don’t work then I go in the « basooka things to do in emergency I need to feel normal and not someone else’s mum ❤️❤️❤️ »… it happens to ALL of us.

then if it still don’t work. Bring your child to nursery and TAKE THE DAY OFF. Your work will still be there tomorrow. Do not do anything else than nothing. Literally.

honestly reading you, I’d take two days off. Whom will care for yoir baby when you can’t. Just stop. Learn to breathe in the little…

As mums, there is little space for « me » and the little breathe helps massively. Also it does get better, but you do have a few years to hols on… be kind to yourself, brace yourself, you CAN do it! Why? You already are ❤️❤️❤️

Good luck op,
p’ease keep us posted 🌺

Sounds bloody awful OP and I feel for you big time. Other posters are enjoying being bitchy

You're right, no one should be expected to do all this, and the people saying 'just get on with it' (and even worse 'you chose to have a child') are unsympathetic fuckwits.

Are you in the UK? If you are, check to see if you'd be entitled to Universal Credit support if you drop a work day, even if you could just get an afternoon a week to recharge you'd feel the benefit, a whole day and you'll definitely feel better.

Can you afford a cleaner? Other ways to lighten your load is online shopping, ready prepped veg, pre-seasoned meats, or meal boxes. Also, eat the same food as her, so you're only cooking once in the evening, and sit down together to eat. Sharing the meal will reduce the time spent cooking and increase the time you spend together.

Why are you continuing to do work once she's in bed? Unless you're being paid overtime, stop work at 5pm, the evening is your time.

Why doesn't she ever sleep over at her dads? A night off at the weekend, even every other weekend, would give you a fantastic chunk of time to decompress and relax. You say he does bedtime on the days she's with him, but once he's gone you are back on call and responsible for her. He chose to have a child too, she is his responsibility and a few hours at the weekend is a pathetic token gesture and not good enough, and paying her nursery fees doesn't make up for it.

It sounds relentless for you at the moment but it's not forever. Do an online shop to save time there. Try to take time for yourself when your ex has the little girl. Leave the house work it's not as important as your wellbeing

@RomeoRivers I assume your name indicates you are a male.

When you say she doesn't spend much time with her child. The child is at nursery during her work hours. Except for a few hours on a Saturday or Sunday she has the child every minute. Taking the child to nursery and picking the child up, bathing, dressing, making sure the child gets needed medical care, has clothes to wear, a nutritional diet, etc that's all on her.

I think it depends on the job a bit. Are you expected to do over time beyond your contracted hours (9-5 or similar?)

I think it is doable if you are working when she’s at nursery. Then have evenings “free” for bath and bedtime routine (I assume she’s eaten at nursery), then you chill once she’s in bed. Then weekends are for “jobs”, supermarket etc (or get delivery through the week) and Sunday for a nice day out.

i think it’s hard if your job is demanding beyond normal working/nursery hours.

Truthfully I also definitely do some parenting admin during working time, whether that be multi tasking whilst I’m on a large teams call or training event or just a few minutes here and there. I also get stuff done in lunch hours, especially when wfh.
but it does depend on the nature of your job.

Also, you have your annual leave, put some aside to have the odd ad hoc day to yourself when she’s at nursery when you feel things are getting on top of you.

Can you speak to someone about how you’re feeling? It it coming to terms with being a (single) parent? Do you not enjoy your work? Can you do a few sessions of talk therapy to explore?

I can’t really get a handle otherwise on why you feel so bad. He is paying for full time childcare, you have time out of home at work, plus time working from home when DD is not there. Then time during weekends when he sees DD (even though not overnight).

Online shopping and having more of a structure for meal planning (and organising home chores) as others mentioned could be helpful, but it seems to be more than this.

Sorry, but I don’t agree with PP you will automatically feel better, as found school hours and school holidays much harder to juggle than nursery hours.

Support exploring how you feel and what could help. This could include fears you’ve mentioned, just as DD developing her own ideas.

An au pair is a great idea. They aren’t as cheap as they used to be, but if ex pays for
nursery you’ll need relatively few hours. You’d also have another adult around - this would be helpful so you could take an hour in the evening for a run or something.