To think I can’t be expected to cope with this anymore and that this isn’t ‘just life’?

[Cantdoothis]

I’m late 30s work full time in a demanding career. I do get to work from home half the week but I am solely responsible for our dd who is 2, ex sees her most weekends but never overnight. He lives two hours away and so will take her for a few hours on either a Saturday or Sunday and does bedtime on the day he’s with her. Before anyone says he should be doing more, yep I agree, but he won’t. He pays for nursery in full and 200 on top and says he is paying more proportionately (which he is) to reflect the fact it’s all on me. All sounds ok until I say that I CANNOT do this anymore.

I am run ragged. I do not have a moment. I wake up and get going on jobs for dd. I get in the car, drive 20 mins to nursery (that’s the closest). I either drive back home or to the office. I work, try and squeeze in a food shop. Rush to pick dd up. Do her dinner. Depending on the mood she is in I will have to try and do a bath, if she’s difficult I do it in the morning. I do bedtime routine, then I continue with work and hope she sleeps. I then cook for myself. I am just endlessly listing things now but I feel totally and utterly depleted with no way out.

It’s not that it’s all awful it’s just that it never stops. Someone always needs me. Something always needs doing. I was so unwell last week and honestly I wished I could have jumped ship and ran away from it all. I hate it. Life feels so bloody miserable and never ending jobs. I want to go part time or something but then that would cause other problems financially. Is this just life?

My friend was bereaved and has managed to make it work 100% solo, she has a good network of friends but it was hard.

Work fewer hours and everything will be less frantic

Are you serious? This situation comes about all the time, simply because feckless, selfish men don't give a shiny shit about their kids.
Even if they can contribute more, men who only see their kids a couple of hours a week won't, nor will they move closer, because they don't give a shiny shit about their kids. This idiot being two hours away doesn't dictate that he only spends a couple of hours a week with the child. It's clearly his preference or he'd be taking her for weekends.

"Ineverlose" obviously doesn't refer to arguments, because that one sucked. Do you really think people can just pick and choose how many hours they work?
Unbelievable.
The depths people will sink to in order to blame mothers and absolve fathers never ceases to astound me.

@XChrome

So you're saying that people have no agency? All these feckless men and inflexible jobs and other things just happen to them?

What a strange and illogical argument. People have agency, but shit happens. Surely you know that? Lazy non-custodial fathers and inflexible employers are the rule, not the exception and we can't just magically avoid them.
That is the reality. Other people's behaviour is not OP's fault or responsibility.
Do you actually think we somehow have control over the behaviour of others?

Ridiculous. You're implying she's a bad mother for not taking a financial hit by working part time. Funny how the dad is not mentioned as somebody who could go to part time, let alone is judged for it.
The double standards and cringe-worthy competitive parenting on MN are awful.

So true!
I do look at clouds a little more to be fair... mostly wondering if there is a heaven and how I can't wait to die...
But heartening to hear it does get easier

Such rich irony.
You missed the point of the post completely in your zest to play superior and put the poster down.
My, such a joyous life you must lead if you need to invalidate feelings that differ from your own.🙄

Exactly this. Blame the mother who is giving her all. Ignore the part-timer dad.

Maybe she is paid for it. For example (as is the case for me) some lawyers are expected to work into evenings to get things done and get paid well. It's not a 9 to 5 job.

I ger that it's exhausting OP. However some people here saying they are a sahm,or husband works long hours is different for you.you have 100 per cent responsibility they Don't! .can u go down a day maybe. Use time to rest .do your parents live nearby. Can they help.what about a little weekend break .if not maybe book a travelogue with dd.have a couple of days in a seaside town.a change ad good as a rest and all that.she will get older and it gets a bit easier 😀. Also are you eating 5 a day and so on.this helped me a lot. Not the same but I am ill atm .chin up op .does dd enjoy a little film or maybe an I pad for her as well u

The issue is not your DD, because she is in nursery all week, it's that you are over-working. Look at the split of your non-sleep time throughout the week, it is your job that is exhausting you. You have to talk to your workplace and ditch the evening work for a few years; get a sideways move if necessary to find something with lower time demands.

A cleaner who does laundry and a set list for easy online shopping will reduce daily effort. Also talk to the dad about giving you one day and night each month totally clear for you to sleep and rest. Everything else will get easier as she gets older and plays more alone or with friends so there are fewer demands on you.

I was responding to the fact that the op said the ex paid overpaid his share @XChrome . I think he sounds awful but i wanted to suggest ideas to the op because she sounds so upset. I think bashing the useless ex will just make others feel good but leave the op feeling even worse.
@mouseyowl i hope you are ok? I’m so sorry to read that. Do you have any support?

Thank you, I think a day off a week would be the solution but then I would be very worried about money. If I could take a day off while dd in nursery that would feel loads better. I just don’t think it’s possible? I also feel really resentful that my income is affected while his is not. I know I should ignore that but it’s hard to. I’m not coping though so maybe I just try and cut back I don’t know

I think part of my misery is that I can’t understand how it will get better? In some ways I’m scared it will get worse when she can talk and wants to know why I’m not up yet or what’s happening etc. It sounds terrible but I just want to be left alone. I also feel horrendously guilty not working one day a week when she’s not at school as I feel I should spend that time with her. I’ve never felt so unhappy and guilty and mentally stressed in my life

if he is paying for DD’s nursery in full (is he?) then I’d take the day off and reduce your hours. Honestly what he’s doing is disgraceful and you deserve to claw back some sanity.

@MummyJ36 I have my own outgoings though and it feels scary to cut my income. I am desperate now though so maybe I just have to do it. I would lose around 600 a month so it feels huge.

Would there be any options to compress your hours? Either 5 over 4 or 5 over 4.5? The days will be long but you will claw back a bit of free time. I know a few people who have done this and found that whilst it can be tiring it does offer some respite on the “off” day.

I’ve been where you are and it’s bloody tough.
Things that helped were

1. A cleaner each week, she also did my ironing. Apart from the physical load that removed it also weirdly made ME feel cared for by someone.it was worth the financial hit.
2. Exercise . Doing exercise videos 3-4 times a week, sometimes with the children, helped me to feel healthy and in control.
3. Nights off. I would plan for myself nice dinners, films, candles and reading a good book
4. Take the breaks were I could. Saturday morning swimming lessons, mini gym, trampoline, ballet, whatever was age appropriate meant they learnt a skill whilst I had a coffee and didn’t have to be Mummy entertainment for an hour.
5. Safety in numbers, Find other single parents for days out together at the weekends. It was awful watching all the families at the weekend. That’s when I felt most alone. Having a friend to go on weekend trips to the beach etc with was so much better.

You’ve got this. I absolutely promise this gets easier.

How can you make your life easier? Can you go back to your ex and speak about him having dd for at least 2 days a week? Have you any family of friends that can help you out now and again. Can you look at reducing hours or a change in career? Have you looked at what benefits you would be entitled to if you dropped to 3 days?

For now I would switch to an online shop, I'd arrange a cleaner once a week who can fold and put away laundry or do a more deep clean for you. I'd use a meal prep service in the short term or ask parents (if they are agreeable) to batch cook some meals you can freeze and use when you are too knackered to cook.

You are doing all the physical and mental care for your child as well as managing a home and working full time. It's absolutely understandable that you feel this way. x

It will get better because she won’t need constant supervision. So she can hopefully be playing/watching TV/whatever without any input from you. You’ll be able to get stuff done more easily or just sit and have a coffee on your own. When she can talk you can explain that you have to do X, Y or Z and you can go out/do something once you’ve finished.

Can you pinpoint why you feel guilty? Why do you not deserve time for yourself? It’s not like you’re leaving her home alone to go on holiday! It’s like the oxygen mask thing, you need to take care of yourself because parenting lasts a long time and you can’t ignore your own needs forever.

OP I'm a lone parent with full time career. Been a lone parent for 14 years.

The early years are the hardest.

Couple of things.

Anyone telling you to drop your hours is an idiot. You really really need your career and if anything you need to dig in, get promotions or pay rises etc

Why? Because money creates choices.

Yes get a cleaner, outsource anything you can. If you have space and the cash get a part time au pair.

Once your DD gets a little older it gets easier, you can find a Saturday tennis class or stage school which will buy you some time, if your ex doesn't step up and start taking her for longer that is. If you get on with him maybe ask him to stay over EOW so you can go off.

It is really really hard when they are young. I've had no ex around to help, but what I did do is focus on my work performance and managed to create more choice through money.

Can you take some annual leave every other week to give yourself some down time.

Or take a week off when she's in nursery to get sorted with online shopping and life admin.

Don't bath her with every day.

Ask if any of the nursery girls will babysit.

There is definitely a lot of running about when they are small with nursery and school.

What about an au pair?

@Cantdoothis it sounds shit. No practical advice but you sound in a tough spot.

when your daughter is with her father, could you set yourself a challenge of not using that time to catch up? So force yourself to get a coffee, and carve out that time for yourself?

I wouldn’t advise reducing your income for the reasons everyone has already said - money gives you choices; a deep clean done professionally once a month for example might ease the burden of daily drudgery.

Totally random but do you have a local library? If you do start taking your daughter and join both of you up. Most, especially during school holidays have activities for different age groups, story telling, read alongs, craft clubs. She’s a bit young now but if she’s familiar with the place and used to going you could use that as a place to drop her off. Ours is brilliant, kids all get to listen to a story, parents get to mooch around looking at books or magazines/newspapers. Older children are dropped off as the activities are more engaging.

I know it all sounds a bit barking but I suppose what I’m trying to say is that you need to be a bit selfish and “ignore the guilt” (you have nothing to feel guilt for), and make yourself use the short respite times you have work for you. Start looking and making ways to have plans for carving that time out for yourself.