To think I can’t be expected to cope with this anymore and that this isn’t ‘just life’?

[Cantdoothis]

I’m late 30s work full time in a demanding career. I do get to work from home half the week but I am solely responsible for our dd who is 2, ex sees her most weekends but never overnight. He lives two hours away and so will take her for a few hours on either a Saturday or Sunday and does bedtime on the day he’s with her. Before anyone says he should be doing more, yep I agree, but he won’t. He pays for nursery in full and 200 on top and says he is paying more proportionately (which he is) to reflect the fact it’s all on me. All sounds ok until I say that I CANNOT do this anymore.

I am run ragged. I do not have a moment. I wake up and get going on jobs for dd. I get in the car, drive 20 mins to nursery (that’s the closest). I either drive back home or to the office. I work, try and squeeze in a food shop. Rush to pick dd up. Do her dinner. Depending on the mood she is in I will have to try and do a bath, if she’s difficult I do it in the morning. I do bedtime routine, then I continue with work and hope she sleeps. I then cook for myself. I am just endlessly listing things now but I feel totally and utterly depleted with no way out.

It’s not that it’s all awful it’s just that it never stops. Someone always needs me. Something always needs doing. I was so unwell last week and honestly I wished I could have jumped ship and ran away from it all. I hate it. Life feels so bloody miserable and never ending jobs. I want to go part time or something but then that would cause other problems financially. Is this just life?

No no no. It’s like the aeroplane, put on your oxygen mask first. Take one day a week off. Do it and go back to bed on that day for 6 months.

Get yourself back together. Do it whatever it costs. Take annual leave or take unpaid or parental leave every Tuesday or Wednesday, do it for 6 months just to survive.

Then you can reevaluate

you are no good to her as a tired out dishrag.

@Cantdoothis I wouldn’t reduce your hours, as I think you’ll just swap some problems for money problems. You should be proud of yourself for continuing your career.

If you can even contemplate losing £600 a month then you can spend £200 a month on a cleaner.

Upon reading your latest post though, I don’t think you’d feel brilliant even if you didn’t work at all. I wonder if you’ve ever considered that you’re depressed and might benefit from some advice from your GP?

Whilst it’s undeniably tough being a solo parent, you sound more than knackered and fed up.

I hope you have a good weekend.

Just a thought, are you claiming tax free childcare. Thought there was a small possibility you are not if ex is paying bill. But if you could reduce the bill but still receive the same maintenance level from ex it might give you some wiggle room.

Same goes for UC. You might not qualify for support for day to day living but might qualify for help with childcare bills. Which means the money for ex goes further.

Can you speak to work and say look i am close to burnout and i want to avoid going off sick. Can i have a break mid week for a few weeks/months and see if it improves my health. Then if it does you can see if dropping a day and the financial impact might be worth it. Could half a day even be enough?

Also in the very limited time ex does have DD could you review what to do with that time. Do you collapse in a heap on sofa-does that make you feel better or worse? Do you rush around like a blue a fly getting jobs done whilst you can? Should you be resting or giving that time to yourself. X

Also, if you have nobody to help you, you have nobody to be judging you. You are FREE to do whatever you want.

Being a rested and well mother is the kindest thing you can do for your child. Take a day off per week for the next 6 months, put her into nursery and go back to bed and get some rest. Good luck.

Don't reduce your hours! Your career matters, especially as a single parent.

Schedule the odd day of annual leave, just to get some breathing space.

However, you may actually be suffering from depression, so go and see your GP. A small dose of an AD might help a great deal.

OP, can you compress your hours into 4 days, and only reduced them slightly?

To enable a full days rest, but not losing a full days money?

I really do feel for you, small kids are exhausting, it is relentless.

Go easy on yourself.

Another thought, can you find a childminder who lives near you?

This would give you time back.

Do you work on the weekends when your daughter is with her dad?

@Cantdoothis you haven’t responded to the questions about your family. Are they local? Can you move closer to family and friends who would help?

If not, can you move to where DDs father lives so he can do more?

Him being 2 hrs away isn't an excuse for not having her overnight. He could at least do Friday eve until Saturday tea time. Why isn't this happening? Who chose to move two hours away, you or him?

This is helpful.

Drop your standards.Beans on wholemeal toast is an acceptable meal.

Do only essentials.

It gets easier when she is a bit older.

It's hard. I had two autistic kids from 2 and 4 (but didn't work as they needed so much care)

You are doing really well keeping it going. Well done.

The majority of them know exactly what it's like. They know it's a barless prison & that is exactly why they do it. 50/50 parenting shouldn't just be 'assumed' after a break-up, it should be enforced & refusers electronically tagged to ensure their wings are as severely clipped as their chosen, unpaid, nannies.

OP, I'm so sorry he has trapped you in this manner, it's coercive control & it's not right. I look forward to the day when men like him are held accountable for their abuse.

You can't force anyone to parent be it the mother or father. Practically you could make a few little tweaks like batch cooking. I think though some therapy might help. You must be in real burnout/be neurodiverse or whatever to be this stressed. It might be helpful to talk it through with someone. I think taking a half day off a week to yourself is a great idea. You could use annual leave for a few months and see how much it changes things.

Doesn't sound that tricky to me :S One child at nursery all day. Plus time off every weekend when they're with their Dad. I have barely seen my husband as we work opposite shifts to avoid high childcare charges. I was at home all day with 3 under age 2 and then at work all everning. Repeat and rinse every day.
Does need putting into perspective. I highly doubt 95% of women have it easier than this!

I totally agree with you on this. Why TF is 50/50 optional?

Oh enough of that.
It's not a competition. By the same thread those same parents with sick children should feel lucky to have healthcare available & not have an ill child in a war torn country. Don't be so ridiculous. It's okay to feel how you feel. You can have compassion for other people and feel grateful at the same time as finding things really hard.

Please make an appointment to talk to your GP and please have a look at Kinship Carers, not sure if they operate in your area but if they do they would want to help.

I hear u OP ,have been there and got the t-shirt.
Wasn't able to wfh and had no financial support or a car. Like living on a hamster wheel, never ends and always on catch up.
Please take care of yourself. Caring for very young children is exhausting

I only have one baby so far and a husband that works a lot of hours including night work. I have a lovely family and MIL to help me and I still feel depleted and tired. I really feel for you and understand why you feel this way, it’s the relentlessness of it all. I’m sorry this isn’t helpful but you aren’t failing you are doing amazingly, and it’s really fucking hard.

Could you see if you can condense your hours so you get a day off? Or flexible working?
I know it’s not easy, especially when you are on your own and no family to help. What I will say though is that it does become easier when little ones grow and whilst it feels never ending now, you will look back and see how quickly the time went. Obviously there are still challenges when they are older but they are different.

definitely look into getting a cleaner, use the slow cooker to cook meals, do bathtime every 2 days etc. Make small changes to help x

Could you see if you can condense your hours so you get a day off? Or flexible working?

OP already fills each moment of her day; I don't see how she could work more hours some days to free up a whole day.

It is relentless and being the only parent 95% of the time, I just can't imagine. So full on with a young child. It's not the same as a DP working long hours or away. They presumably still care and are involved and invested in the DC. Your ex sounds very hands off and doing the minimum. It's disgusting he can get away with it.

PP have commented on your long working hours - a full day and then evening work as well - and this stands out to me too. Can you find any pockets of time for something fun - an evening a friend comes over for a takeaway? A lunchtime walk/cafe break for an hour? What are weekends like, can you combine seeing friends with an outing with your dd? It all depends what you are missing most - exercise, friends, alone time? For me it was friends, so meeting them made a big difference to my mood.

I think you are depressed and need help, apart from practical things like online shopping (set up an online list that you always have to start with, and just add bits you want extra each time you shop), also ready meals are a bonus and no harm. Get a cleaner even if it's only one morning a week (DD does this). But see your GP, because you need more than just the practicalities, you need help to lift your sense of futility and helplessness.

Just wanted to say that I totally feel for you and know how tough it can be at times. As others have said, it will get easier but that doesn’t help you right now. Can you batch cook any of your own food? That could save time. Also, when I was wfh I was able to fit in some household chores around my work….is that feasible in any way for you? Sending hugs as I know what it feels like… think most working mums have been where you are at some point x

Its life. Its not meant to be fun and easy. Its meant to be a trial. Its how you recognise the good moments. That's probably a part of you that hasn't adjusted to the reality of what your life is over the picture of fault that you had of what your life would be. I've been a single mum since day one I have three beautiful kids two of which are disabled and there are times where you want to throw the towel in.. That is ok it is just life and it makes the good points all that much better you take a breath you scream and you keep going