To think I can’t be expected to cope with this anymore and that this isn’t ‘just life’?

[Cantdoothis]

I’m late 30s work full time in a demanding career. I do get to work from home half the week but I am solely responsible for our dd who is 2, ex sees her most weekends but never overnight. He lives two hours away and so will take her for a few hours on either a Saturday or Sunday and does bedtime on the day he’s with her. Before anyone says he should be doing more, yep I agree, but he won’t. He pays for nursery in full and 200 on top and says he is paying more proportionately (which he is) to reflect the fact it’s all on me. All sounds ok until I say that I CANNOT do this anymore.

I am run ragged. I do not have a moment. I wake up and get going on jobs for dd. I get in the car, drive 20 mins to nursery (that’s the closest). I either drive back home or to the office. I work, try and squeeze in a food shop. Rush to pick dd up. Do her dinner. Depending on the mood she is in I will have to try and do a bath, if she’s difficult I do it in the morning. I do bedtime routine, then I continue with work and hope she sleeps. I then cook for myself. I am just endlessly listing things now but I feel totally and utterly depleted with no way out.

It’s not that it’s all awful it’s just that it never stops. Someone always needs me. Something always needs doing. I was so unwell last week and honestly I wished I could have jumped ship and ran away from it all. I hate it. Life feels so bloody miserable and never ending jobs. I want to go part time or something but then that would cause other problems financially. Is this just life?

I'm sorry OP, that sounds unbelievably tough. I know that you're not the only person in your situation, but that doesn't make it any easier or fairer.

What would it cost you to go part time or change your career to something less demanding?

Could you move somewhere cheaper/smaller to make it happen?

☝This is good advice.

Multi-tasking: I used to clean the bathroom while they were in the bath. And we all ate the same meal together, batch cooked. I too started to take pleasure in little ‘treats’ that got me through: a cup of tea, a spray of perfume, glass of cognac at bedtime. Also, every morning thought of all the things I was grateful for, including having children when some people can’t.

But it is bloody hard work and it’s normal to feel exhausted. I often felt like running away. Things will soon start to get easier when she’s a little less demanding and can do things for herself, and even help you a little. I remember the delight when mine could make their own cereal on weekend mornings and I could have a lie in.

It is tough when they are little. I had 2 with 20 months between them AND I was married! Being on your own is easier than having a lazy
adult making a mess around I can tell you.

It is exhausting now but it does get easier

Ooh, yes! I used to clean the rest of the bathroom when the kids were in the bath.

Batch cooking in a slow cooker is good. Enough for the two of you and then freeze the rest for future meals.

The good news is it does get better. 2 is a relentless age. But as she gets older she needs you less and you do find moments for yourself. So you think you can't keep doing this and the good news is you don't have to forever. There are good pieces of advice others have given but my message is one of hope. Use these things as a stop gap. If you think you can't afford X forever then don't worry. It won't be forever. It's what can you do to get through the next year because 3+ is much easier. And 4 is a relative doddle! That's when I felt I was getting my life back.

Outsource, lower your expectations and manage your child free time as much as you can.

Outsource things you can afford, a cleaner, healthy ready meals, etc.

Lower your expectations, does DD need a daily bath? Are you constantly cleaning and tidying to maintain a home standard that isn't possible? Are you doing things because you feel you should/have to, rather than because it's necessary?

Child free time, weekends, either do a big clean, food shop, batch cook, or just take the time for you to relax.

Are you working in the evenings because you are limiting your hours with childcare times? Or is it because you have too much on your plate at work? Can you talk to your manager about reallocating some of your workload?

I have a DH but he works unsociable hours so I'm often juggling working full time and the kids and the house on my own. The slow cooker is my best friend for ensuring healthy home cooked meals with very little time or prep involved. Also, my house looks like a bomb site 99% of the time during the week. I use a Saturday morning to reset the house to be able to enjoy it for the weekend. But otherwise I was cleaning and tidying until 10pm and gone every night trying to maintain a house that I never got to be in or enjoy.

Take care of yourself OP. It's hard and it does get easier as they get older.

It is shit being on your own most of the time with a two year old, you sound knackered and completely run down. I wonder how much your really stressful job might be lowering your resilience to the rest of the stress in your life. A few ideas;
Book a day or two annual leave whenever you can and leave her in nursery.
Sum up the energy to have a friend round every now and again, maybe another single mum
Everything looks better with company.
Have a longer term plan- whether that's having a less stressful role in a years time, or renegotiation with your ex so he has her more. Start taking small steps towards your plan.
Lower your standards, around the house, in parenting,at work. Adequate is the standard we should aim for for parents of under 5s (and parents of teens!)
Finally just check out the usual things at the GL if you ever get there- thyroid, iron levels. Can make a huge difference.

People are being very unsympathetic on here. It's not a competition on how hard people have had it.

You can tell by her language that this Mum is at the end of her rope and she needs other women to support her and offer advice rather than criticism.

I'd say we've all been there when we just want to run away or have a break when you are have such young children. It is full on, especially doing it single handedly.

OP - I don't iron except on the odd occasion if I really can't get away with not doing it.

Disposable cups and plates for a few days too.

Be kind to yourself, you're doing an amazing job.

Get a robot hoover to do that job for you too.

Cut out the daily baths, babies/young children don't need to be bathed daily, and it's bad for their skin. They only need a daily wash once they start to sweat/nearing puberty.

That'll give you a little time back, will help a little at least.

It's not 'just life' but it can be just life with a 2 year old. It's probably the toughest time. My eldest is a teen now and when I think back on that time the regrets I have are not paying for more help, my circumstances were better than yours as I had DH. If you can afford it in any way get a cleaner, send out laundry, hire a babysitter for twice a month or more frequently to sit with DD once she sleeps while you do an exercise class, or go for a walk, or cinema on your own, whatever you enjoy. In time the sitter can join in bedtime routine and take over, if that's what you want. Keep muddling through, you are already doing the impossible successfully and you will come out the other end.

@OhIdoliketobebesidetheseaside32 some people come on threads to give releases to their nasty, little vicious sides. I guess they have to try harder in real life to hide it?

You mentioned he does bedtime so he obviously comes into your house, could you arrange that once a month he stays over and you go out, stay at family or friends, even a cheap hotel? Just get a break?

It is hard to work and bring a little one up on your own, your job sounds demanding as well. But why dont you have mealtines together, I did with my two one being 2 yrs and the other 4yrs , terrible 2s as well happening, i worked full time nursing long shifts to, so took kids to childminder, picked kids up from childminder, cooked dinner whilst they played ate together bathed both good bed routine , then I would just sit myself down and took time for me just a couple of hrs .if i needed to put washing on i did it or a a bit of ironing. You work around how you feel each day, but ask your ex if he could every other weekend take his child , overnight itis his child as well regardless what he pays that should not come into it .Tell him dont ask .

Some of the replies on here are ridiculous and from people who clearly have not been in your situation, otherwise they would be more sympathetic. I am in exactly your situation but a few years on and I can tell you that it definitely gets easier. But the years you are in at the moment, are the hardest. You will get to the point where your child and you are more of a team.. the other thing that stood out to me is the fact that her dad is seeing her at your house. I have experienced this and it is really difficult because you don’t get any proper downtime. I think you do need to try and insist that he sees her overnight every other week and gives you a night off. I have had both of these scenarios and the night off makes all the difference. People on here will say that two parent families do not get a night off, however. It is completely different because in your scenario you are doing literally everything and as you experienced last week, you can’t even have time off to be ill with the other parent helping out. Even stupid things like putting the bins out are hard when you are a single parent. my two-year-old was very clingy and didn’t want me to leave her even to do things like this. She is older now and things are so much easier. Just hang in there. X

I really feel for you-I remember the relentlessness of it and that feeling of waking up and thinking ‘oh God, here we go again’. And it’s lonely and quite often dull (which no-one ever tells you!). Mine are much older now and it’s a million times easier and even a joy but I definitely felt like you when they were younger.
Are you able to use any of the money he gives you for cleaner?

I'm feeling for your DD here.....what stood out to me from your post was when does she actually get to see her mummy?! It just sounds like work is being prioritised too much here, and that you need less time doing that and more with your daughter....she needs you most.
Go part time at least whilst she is little and top up with UC if you have to for awhile....you will be saving on childcare costs anyway.
There might be sacrafices but she needs to be the priority here.

Aim for good enough. Things don’t need to be perfect.

Agree. The competitive super-mommies are out in force. They always infest these kind of threads with their smugness. OP is clearly having a rough go of it. It is not okay for the dad to only do a couple of hours a week of childcare FFS, yet these fools would rather blame the OP than blame the entitled, shiftless sperm donor "father."

This is so weird to me. OP is a single mom who works when her DD is in nursery or when she's asleep.

She sees her DD when the rest of working parents see their kids.

She has her every weekend except for a few hours..

Do you recommend dads work part time too?

You're dead right, it's really tough. And it never seems to stop. Sometimes you just have to accept the fact that this is life now. Resenting something you can't change will make you unhappy. Instead, embrace the challenge of finding ways to grab some time for yourself. Slightly easier times will come ( and go), don't waste them by being too resentful to enjoy them. Mine are all teens now. I get a lot more time to myself but their problems are so much bigger these days. Its swings and roundabouts. Finding joy in the small things has kept me sane.

The child was conceived three years ago at the height of the pandemic. At what point after that did the bio-sire decide to move 2 hours away, and why? Was he on board with TTC? Were the parents married? It's difficult to understand how things arrived at this point so early in the life of the child.

How is that relevant now?

The father needs to spend time with his daughter not a couple of hours , what if you were poorly and or needed a stay in hospital what would happen then, I have my grandchildren over every other week end abd they stay over a week in school holidays done this since they wete 6months old as parents do shift work at the hopital .can either grandparents help out like this .

@Josette77

Because I'm trying to figure out what resources the OP might have. How well does she know him? Can he move closer? Does his family know about the child? Can he contribute more financially?
How does a situation like this come about?