Page 9 | Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

LucyLoo1972 · 2024-08-02T04:02:02+00:00

Its a long story but eight years ago I suffered an absolutely devastating psychotic breakdown after I submitted my PhD. Before this time I had what a thought was an amazing and near perfect marriage. I love my husband very very much. Over the time I have been unwell things have been very difficult. We had never really had a row before my breakdown (at the time I thought this was good but now I see it was a sign of lack of honesty and communication). Since being unwell I have seen a lot of things that were putting a serious strain on me which have come out in therapy. My doctors have been fairly certain though that at root the extreme and total breakdown is rooted in childhood trauma. My father, mother and sister were all abusive especially my father. I have spoken to my sister about some of the issues that are difficult in my marriage as my husband has not responded well to my illness. I am a totally changed person and having never said a word about anything before, after the breakdown it was like a volcano of rage and anger and frustration coming out for my husbands neglect of me and my needs. I spoke to my sister about the difficulties which have included my husband's hoarding, verbal abuse (in response though to my anger which has been out of control at times of which I am not proud), him not transferring money into my account on time sometimes so I don't have access to money, him not wanting to eat in the same room as me or be with me, him not engaging with my therapy and my abusive family with whom we have had little interaction on a regular basis are frustrated that he refuses to answer phonically. Yesterday Adult Social Services phones me to say my father and my sister had made a report of concern for my wellbeing and safety at home. This morning I had to go to a meeting and explain the concerns to them. AIBU in feeling this is an overreach by the state? I was there for two hours explaining everything to them and my husband os devastated as for eight years he has tried to care for me when I have been seriously unwell and devastated and angry that my whole life has been taken from me and Im not really getting better. Im especially angry that the report came from my original abuser.my life is in utter and complete ruins.

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 09:50

PurpleBugz · 02/08/2024 09:29

Ok so I have shitty parents and then went on to an emotionally and financially abusive marriage. It did progress to physical abuse but only after he had pushed me to a breakdown then it was fairly easy to accept I had driven him to the violence. He genuinely had me convinced he was supporting me and trying to help and that my mental health was the problem. Had me telling professionals his version of what was happening. Eventually I had to leave him because he lost his temper and hurt our child. I left and went through a hellish time fighting him over child arrangements money etc. But you know what happened I suddenly was mentally well again. Stressed and tired and upset and scared h by it I knew what reality was, I didn't have any worries around money as I was in control of my money. My social life etc I could go out and not suffer the emotional punishments he would give me but then frame as my mental health. So many of the things you are saying about your husband are reminding me of my ex. I once threw a mug accross the room in anger and spent so long thinking I had anger problems and was a horrible person so guilty I was so ashamed but once I left him I remembered why I'd thrown that mug the things he had been doing all day and that he wouldn't leave me alone I was walking room to room to escape and he was following and pushing and pushing until I snapped because he wouldn't leave me alone and I couldn't escape. But I had to escape him to see it. It sounds to me this may be happening in your case.

You said you never argued before your breakdown. But that you kept everything bottled up. But also he was not transporting money in time and not letting you get a desk top which you needed and not going out for meals unless on holiday etc. I would think disagreements in not arguments would be expected here. How did you not have an argument over the computer situation? Friends say your relationship looked really good because they never saw you arguing etc but that's not really good that's you putting up with what does sound like financial and emotional abuse and letting it build and build then the phd pushed you over.

My one ex has a new relationship and I hear their relationship is nothing like how he was with me. She probably believes him when he says all his exs were crazy liers. But my kids come home saying his gf cools and cleans and looks after the kids, she drives him about like his personal taxi. Meek in her place woman alto so he doesn't have to abuse her. He only abused me when I pushed for him to do any housework or allow me part of financial decisions etc if I had just done it all and never challenged his rule he would've not needed to.

I really am worried for you. You haven't said your family told social services lies. They have the facts and question if it's abuse. A lot of what you say does sound like control and abuse. I think you should at least trial living separately if you won't end it completely and see how your mental health fairs without him there influencing it. Maybe you won't cope without him but you don't have kids to worry you need to keep sane to care for you can fall back on the welfare state if you need to and honestly sound like you are capable you worked and got a PhD!

thanks - having to keep things bottled up did effect me very badly. he would stonewall if I wanted to have nay discussion about adult things idk sex, children, finances, boring home stuff, house admin which I just did it all, changing churches cos I hated the one we went too. he didn't do the following round thing ever and in day to day life he cared for me and we got on very very well as we have very much the same overall goals in life. he would also call me sweet names like cherub.

OP posts:

5128gap · 02/08/2024 09:50

No, I don't think its an over reach. You sound very vulnerable and in a situation that's not good for your wellbeing. I think you need all the support and help offered to you. Accept the meetings and appointments and give an honest account of your situation. Sometimes we can't see the wood for the trees and professional intervention. If they judge no help is required they will close the case. They are too stretched to waste their time imposing themselves where there is no need.

TheRealSlimShandy · 02/08/2024 09:50

What positive small steps could you take to move forward op?

For example - can you order the blinds, go out today and get a radio, or clear yourself a space?

Northernparent68 · 02/08/2024 09:51

So you’re a volcano of rage but your husband is the abusive one ?

3WildOnes · 02/08/2024 09:53

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 09:40

yes I use therapist as the shorthand but I see a very specialised psychologist who works with CPTSD.

do you know much about CPTSD? what they are not clear on is whether I had CPTSD before the breakdown or only after? it feels to me like only after. its hard on the internet to convey how balanced and stable and high functioning I was before the breakdown.

does it sound like the relationship was unhealthy before? ~We got along so so well and loved each other so much. I was loved unconditionally.

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I am glad you are seeing a psychologist with relavant experience.

It sounds like you have CPTSD from your childhood and you spent years and years suppressing your emotions until you could take it no longer.

Your relationship sounds like it was always unhealthy due to both of your mental health difficulties. You suppressed your emotions with led to you being passive in your relationship. It sounds like you were so desperate to be loved that you did anything to please and keep the peace with your husband.

You need to take time to be on your own so that you can heal and grow. Your relationship dynamics is too unhealthy for you to heal whilst in it. Your resentment of your husband is evident.

Mirabai · 02/08/2024 10:02

Northernparent68 · 02/08/2024 09:51

So you’re a volcano of rage but your husband is the abusive one ?

Very common in abusive relationships. Women with abusive partners are not all meek and subdued or not all the time. They can be furious and defiant.

OrigamiOwls · 02/08/2024 10:19

AIBU in feeling this is an overreach by the state?
Yes, you are being unreasonable - a genuine concern was reported, of course it needed to be followed up

DaniMontyRae · 02/08/2024 10:30

It feels like a lot of posters are ignoring the abuse the OP suffered at the hands of her parents as a child and are keen to call her husband abusive because he's a man. The OP is verbally abusive to him, she flies off in rages, he's probably walking on eggshells a lot of the time (which, when a woman posts on here saying she feels that way, everyone points out her husband is being abusive). She blames him for not wanting to speak to her abusive parents.

She has an inheritance and receives money from him (fairly) but complains if its late. Everyone here jumps to financial abuse but maybe he just loses track given everything else he has to do - he's got all the pressure of being the sole earner, he does the shopping and various other chores the OP mentioned, he has to help manage the OPs problems. Maybe he is just pouring from an empty cup.

DaniMontyRae · 02/08/2024 10:32

OrigamiOwls · 02/08/2024 10:19

AIBU in feeling this is an overreach by the state?
Yes, you are being unreasonable - a genuine concern was reported, of course it needed to be followed up

Was it genuine? Given her mum and dad's abusive behaviour, it could just be another form of abuse and trying to cause harm to the OP.

I hope the OP has been honest with social services about both her husband's and her own behaviour because it does sound like they both need help. I just doubt that her parents acted with this in mind.

OrigamiOwls · 02/08/2024 10:35

DaniMontyRae · 02/08/2024 10:32

Was it genuine? Given her mum and dad's abusive behaviour, it could just be another form of abuse and trying to cause harm to the OP.

I hope the OP has been honest with social services about both her husband's and her own behaviour because it does sound like they both need help. I just doubt that her parents acted with this in mind.

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Whatever her parents motives there are genuine concerns about OP/her DP and the behaviours outlined above, so it's not the state "overreaching"

Timinfuckingruislip · 02/08/2024 10:37

DaniMontyRae · 02/08/2024 10:30

It feels like a lot of posters are ignoring the abuse the OP suffered at the hands of her parents as a child and are keen to call her husband abusive because he's a man. The OP is verbally abusive to him, she flies off in rages, he's probably walking on eggshells a lot of the time (which, when a woman posts on here saying she feels that way, everyone points out her husband is being abusive). She blames him for not wanting to speak to her abusive parents.

She has an inheritance and receives money from him (fairly) but complains if its late. Everyone here jumps to financial abuse but maybe he just loses track given everything else he has to do - he's got all the pressure of being the sole earner, he does the shopping and various other chores the OP mentioned, he has to help manage the OPs problems. Maybe he is just pouring from an empty cup.

Agree. Also think those jumping on her to LTB aren’t helping someone so vulnerable. He may be abusive, he may be her sole support network - it’s absolutely impossible to tell.

Id like to hope SS may help in solving this - but think sadly it’s unlikely.

DaniMontyRae · 02/08/2024 10:42

OrigamiOwls · 02/08/2024 10:35

Whatever her parents motives there are genuine concerns about OP/her DP and the behaviours outlined above, so it's not the state "overreaching"

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Oh I agree on that, the state is not overreaching and it's good to hear social services being proactive. I just didn't agree with the description of it being a genuine concern that ss received.

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 10:45

TheRealSlimShandy · 02/08/2024 09:50

What positive small steps could you take to move forward op?

For example - can you order the blinds, go out today and get a radio, or clear yourself a space?

thanks I have done quite a few of those kind if things. I bought new dresses which were from nice brand, yellow trainers! which I would never have worn, had my haircut differently. my nephew told his dad that there needed to be some space cleared fro me (he's only 9 bless him).

both of us had mental health issues with bring proactive and getting shit done. its a common thing with CPTSD but it wasn't helped because when I tried my husband who is the procrastinator just stopped everything from happening by saying we will do it later and later never came

OP posts:

DoIWantTo · 02/08/2024 10:45

One thing that strikes me is you’re labelling everyone as abusive but blaming your own abusive nature on your breakdown. Mental illness is no excuse for abuse, of course he wouldn’t want to be in the same room as you when your “rage is uncontrollable”. Seems like you need to sort yourself out, cut contact with your abusive family and leave your husband.

TheRealSlimShandy · 02/08/2024 10:49

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 10:45

thanks I have done quite a few of those kind if things. I bought new dresses which were from nice brand, yellow trainers! which I would never have worn, had my haircut differently. my nephew told his dad that there needed to be some space cleared fro me (he's only 9 bless him).

both of us had mental health issues with bring proactive and getting shit done. its a common thing with CPTSD but it wasn't helped because when I tried my husband who is the procrastinator just stopped everything from happening by saying we will do it later and later never came

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I do understand - I’m similar with the procrastination, but you must take some control back.

“OK DP we thought about it and those blinds are being ordered now”. “I’m clearing a space here - shall we move these things or throw them out”

oatmilk4breakfast · 02/08/2024 10:51

Hello, I have read most of your responses and trying to piece things together. At work but didn't want to read and run. The two things that leap out to me are PTSD from trauma and 8 YEARS in therapy. I don't think your therapy is working. Please please explore more up to date approaches to the treatment of trauma. Rapid Eye Movement Therapy in particular is a possible route although works there may be some difference in effectiveness / application between using it for people who have experienced acute trauma as opposed to your complex and chronic childhood trauma. Read The Body Keeps the Score if you haven't already and follow the path it leads to getting the trauma out of of your body. You are describing very severe and extreme manifestations of the impacts of your abuse and this trumps everything domestic and even relational between you and your husband. Until this is dealt with it will be harder for you to find a way to reconcile and move forward with your life. Lean on the social services if you need to get the help you so desperately need. Wishing you well.

RedditFinder · 02/08/2024 10:52

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 06:16

I have thought if going no contact now with my family. I love my husband dearly as he was the one person in my life that I felt safe and happy with. its hard to describe the marriage as it was before. there were elements even before that put a strain on me but I blame myself for that as I didn't shout loud enough about them or insist that I could cope with life the way that it was. Im not working at the moment which means I don't have income but I do have some money form my mums inheritance. I honestly don't understand what happened in the breakdown as it was like I saw for the first time how difficult and odd some of the behaviour he had was. I mean the approach to finance was utterly insane as I didn't have things I needed and we had a lot of money. that is now just getting wasted. He has an insane amount in his current account and is losing hundred of pounds interest a month for example whilst at the same time he has extreme frugality about tiny things like buying some clippers for my plants saying od you really need that?

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I’m sorry to say this, but despite you saying you feel safe and happy with your husband, nothing you’ve actually said about him supports this.
I suspect that your view of safe and supportive is still modelled on your abusive upbringing. Unsafe feels familiar and therefore safe.

CortieTat · 02/08/2024 10:55

TheRealSlimShandy · 02/08/2024 10:49

I do understand - I’m similar with the procrastination, but you must take some control back.

“OK DP we thought about it and those blinds are being ordered now”. “I’m clearing a space here - shall we move these things or throw them out”

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I agree with this. My mother always told me: “if you can count, count on yourself”. If you want change you need to start with yourself even if it’s very small steps.
A hoarder and a procrastinator will not become your knight in the shining armour no matter how badly you want this to happen.

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 11:02

Bedroomdilemmas113 · 02/08/2024 06:33

I mean this kindly, I really do. But there is no easy way of saying it.

Your mum, your dad and your sister all abused you. None are in prison, and you’re still in contact with all. Not just in contact but confiding in them.

Your husband sounds as though he’s cared for you some horrific times but in your eyes, he’s also abusive too.

Is there chance (I’m basing this on knowledge of real situations) that you may be neurodivergent and your experiences of growing up may have been what caused you trauma? It can be truly horrifically traumatic to grow up neurodivergent in a neurotypical world and these diagnoses are very frequently missed and misdiagnosed in women of your age.

The dramatic way you write and the you-centred tone of it just reminds me of things I have experienced personally. Things like not seeing the irony and publishing a post where you subtley allege abuse while also saying you explode like a volcano of rage yourself.

Equally - in the kindest possible way, I have seen first hand what having a therapist can do if any of the above is true. They take the world as it feels to you and they embrace and validate it and make it real. But is it all real? Because normal human emotions get in the way of things and therapy will sometimes/often take a very YOU centred approach to the degree that if you say it or you feel it, then it’s fact. But life isn’t like that. You can also be in the wrong, you can be acting irrationally, but some therapists don’t deal with that, they go into your world and remain there.

I have typed and deleted this so many times as I know I’m going to be jumped on, but sometimes just automatically believing someone doesn’t necessarily help them.

Your husband doesn’t sound abusive. Your marriage sounds awful on both sides. You need space to heal alone. As a side note, your husband sounds like he has some significant mental health struggles of his own that it doesn’t sound as though he’s getting support with.

Thank you. I really appreciate you writing this. Please don't feel badly about it.

I don't think my husband is abusive actually and I told that to the SS people. I think he has mental health issues which out an extra strain on me and I didn't know that my Brian was already fragile from trauma because I never knew that it had impacted me as I was high functioning and had a lovely life.

I do think I'm neurodivergent and my psychologist agrees - his view is that childhood trauma causes the brain to have symptoms like adhd and poor executive function.

the volcanic rage is from the PTSD. just overwhelm at the sheer and utter horror of the whole situation. losing everything that I had built up and losing the joy of life that I had before - I loved life and didn't feel there was some dark unresolved hole or darkness in me.

yes - I agree with you about the therapy issue entirely.

I never ever ever feel my husband abused me. He was a pain in the ass sometimes as any spouse is. but I kept a lot bottled up.

OP posts:

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 11:05

RedditFinder · 02/08/2024 10:52

I’m sorry to say this, but despite you saying you feel safe and happy with your husband, nothing you’ve actually said about him supports this.
I suspect that your view of safe and supportive is still modelled on your abusive upbringing. Unsafe feels familiar and therefore safe.

Show quote history

I've heard that from my psychologist. and that people from abuse situations have a low bar for what they think is acceptable. I can actually remember thinking to myself this house is really getting me down but I can't complain because he doesn't shout or hit me.

OP posts:

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 11:13

oatmilk4breakfast · 02/08/2024 10:51

Hello, I have read most of your responses and trying to piece things together. At work but didn't want to read and run. The two things that leap out to me are PTSD from trauma and 8 YEARS in therapy. I don't think your therapy is working. Please please explore more up to date approaches to the treatment of trauma. Rapid Eye Movement Therapy in particular is a possible route although works there may be some difference in effectiveness / application between using it for people who have experienced acute trauma as opposed to your complex and chronic childhood trauma. Read The Body Keeps the Score if you haven't already and follow the path it leads to getting the trauma out of of your body. You are describing very severe and extreme manifestations of the impacts of your abuse and this trumps everything domestic and even relational between you and your husband. Until this is dealt with it will be harder for you to find a way to reconcile and move forward with your life. Lean on the social services if you need to get the help you so desperately need. Wishing you well.

my therapist actually started with EMDR last week. it didn't feel like the magic others described but we will see. I haven't read TBKTS but I know the approach and I am convinved by it.

Could I ask you a question though - what are the severe and extreme manifestations of the abuse that trump the relational stuff? just so I am clear?

im convinced somatic therapies are the way forward fro em. I intellectualise and try to think my way through everything. but all my life I was never able to feel emotions like a neurotypical person does.

also do you have any insight into why I functioned so highly and felt so happy for so long - not one person in my life and I know a lot of people - saw any signs of unwellness. I was probably exceptionally and overly nice and extreme people pleaser and perfectionist which cameo utility n my work.btu nobody would have viewed me as damaged or severely mentally unwell. and nobody noticed anything bad about our marriage either except for the quips about how I deserve a medal for being able to put up with my husband.

OP posts:

RedditFinder · 02/08/2024 11:13

@LucyLoo1972 please leave him. You won’t get better with him around.

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 11:17

DoIWantTo · 02/08/2024 10:45

One thing that strikes me is you’re labelling everyone as abusive but blaming your own abusive nature on your breakdown. Mental illness is no excuse for abuse, of course he wouldn’t want to be in the same room as you when your “rage is uncontrollable”. Seems like you need to sort yourself out, cut contact with your abusive family and leave your husband.

I don't think my husband was or is abusive.
my father was an abuser to a terrible terrible degree. to me as a child . I only know after the breakdown that that can cause damage that comes up later in life.it was horrific psychosis and paranoid delusions.its entirely right to call him an abuser.

I'm truly trying to sort myself out. I've been in so much therapy and tried so much medication. I know that MH is no excuse for abuse.

OP posts:

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 11:19

RedditFinder · 02/08/2024 11:13

@LucyLoo1972 please leave him. You won’t get better with him around.

I worry how I will be without him as he's been my best friend for 30 years. he relied on me for emotional support probably more than I did him.

OP posts:

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 11:23

3WildOnes · 02/08/2024 09:53

I am glad you are seeing a psychologist with relavant experience.

It sounds like you have CPTSD from your childhood and you spent years and years suppressing your emotions until you could take it no longer.

Your relationship sounds like it was always unhealthy due to both of your mental health difficulties. You suppressed your emotions with led to you being passive in your relationship. It sounds like you were so desperate to be loved that you did anything to please and keep the peace with your husband.

You need to take time to be on your own so that you can heal and grow. Your relationship dynamics is too unhealthy for you to heal whilst in it. Your resentment of your husband is evident.

Show quote history

I think that's a very good summary.

the terrible irony is that I had no need to fear and I could have been honest in the relationship. we had a calm and lovely marriage before based on a long friendship. wonderful trips together and a lot of mutual respect and love. its hard to see that go.

I agree I resent him

OP posts: