Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

[LucyLoo1972]

Its a long story but eight years ago I suffered an absolutely devastating psychotic breakdown after I submitted my PhD. Before this time I had what a thought was an amazing and near perfect marriage. I love my husband very very much. Over the time I have been unwell things have been very difficult. We had never really had a row before my breakdown (at the time I thought this was good but now I see it was a sign of lack of honesty and communication). Since being unwell I have seen a lot of things that were putting a serious strain on me which have come out in therapy. My doctors have been fairly certain though that at root the extreme and total breakdown is rooted in childhood trauma. My father, mother and sister were all abusive especially my father.

I have spoken to my sister about some of the issues that are difficult in my marriage as my husband has not responded well to my illness. I am a totally changed person and having never said a word about anything before, after the breakdown it was like a volcano of rage and anger and frustration coming out for my husbands neglect of me and my needs.

I spoke to my sister about the difficulties which have included my husband's hoarding, verbal abuse (in response though to my anger which has been out of control at times of which I am not proud), him not transferring money into my account on time sometimes so I don't have access to money, him not wanting to eat in the same room as me or be with me, him not engaging with my therapy and my abusive family with whom we have had little interaction on a regular basis are frustrated that he refuses to answer phonically.

Yesterday Adult Social Services phones me to say my father and my sister had made a report of concern for my wellbeing and safety at home. This morning I had to go to a meeting and explain the concerns to them.

AIBU in feeling this is an overreach by the state? I was there for two hours explaining everything to them and my husband os devastated as for eight years he has tried to care for me when I have been seriously unwell and devastated and angry that my whole life has been taken from me and Im not really getting better. Im especially angry that the report came from my original abuser.my life is in utter and complete ruins.

It sounds to me that you need to separate, temporarily at least, from your husband and get a
dIfferent therapist, and to get your mental health sorted.Then you can look at things more rationally and build an equal relationship with your dh if that is what you want.
I can't really see from what you have said that your dh is abusive. I mean you can't heap an out of control volcano of rage on someone, and then call it abuse when they et angry in response!!!
Also it is not financial abuse when you are not earning and your dh transfers your spending money a day or 2 late, and objects to you spending a lot of money on luxuries.It is very easy to spend money when you haven't earned it yourself!!

its just so sad that this is what comes of avoiding tackling things. the beautiful love and trust we had and the happy happy times we spent together are gone. I miss my wrk terribly too.

@Cyclebabble I’m so sorry you had all that. My ndn had Lewy Body, such a difficult condition. 💐

Buy another house and do it up to how you like and want it, live separately and I suspect that you will be much happier.

Both of you have issues. You are so entwined in his issues you can’t even begin to fix yours. Simplify your life. I think it’ll make all the difference.

Either divorce and do it alone or if you can’t quite get to the mental place to do that, get him to agree that the only way to save your marriage is by living separately and then just dating. He has to transfer half the savings to you though, to make this work. You can’t be financially dependent on him, or dependent in any way.

You aren’t going to get better with him holding you back.

no I'm in agreement I don't think he is financially abusive which is what I told social services. I don't spend money on luxuries though. I barely leave the house now. I've communed on other posts that my problem was never spending anything. how do you get 200,000 savings if you are out spending money? we didn't and don't spend enough money. it is a strain in life not to have things you need or give you soemjoy like a soft towel.

At times he transfers money at others he withholds it.

The reason OP is not free to buy the things she wants is because she is controlled by him. It’s an index of how money is used as control even though they’re not short of it.

I know I'm just another random person on the Internet, but it does read as if he preferred you when you before you tackled your abusive background, when you were doing everything to keep him happy, not challenging him on his hoarding, miserliness and controlling behaviour.

You've been thorough a breakdown, but you're not broken, you're dealing with trauma and finding your voice, and standing up to hom, so he's making you suffer, and I think your family see this.

You are amazing - you built a great career, you completed a PhD, you have relationships with friends and family. You have overcome so much, you need people around you to help you grow, to thrive as your authentic self now that you have faced up to the incredibly difficult childhood you have had. Your husband isn't supporting you, or celebrating you for your bravery in addressing your awful childhood experiences. You need to put yourself first to help yourself to heal, so perhaps a break from him would be best for now.

You should be so proud of yourself.

I mean this in the kindest way possible but it sounds as if you would really benefit from support from SS. Your therapist will work on your trauma and mental well-being but SS will help in terms of how the finances are being managed and other pressures you have mentioned . Don't see it as a bad thing, take the help if it's offered to you.

the very bizarre thing is before the breakdown I didn't think either of us had issues that needed attention. I can't really express enough how high functioning we both were before.

if anything people would have said my husbands issues were more obvious because both hoarding.

people also would have said we were the happiest couple they knew.

we have thought of buying another small property and I would live there

It really comes across as not seeing the forest for the trees. Did you manage to finish your PhD? If not, it’s been 8 years and dwelling on the past of not having a desktop computer while speaking in the Library of Congress does you no good. FYI, I’m also an academic and I have not had a desktop computer since I was an undergraduate student, it’s very common not to have one unless you are into gaming.

I agree with a PP who suggested short term structured therapy with homework and concrete milestones that would allow you to move forward. The past is in the past and reliving it endlessly stops you from moving forward and living your life. You cannot change other people and you cannot change the past. Raging over your broken high flying career is understandable but when you are at the point when this rage prevents you from getting your life in order and building a new high flying career (if that’s what you want), it becomes an act of self sabotage.

It must be very difficult to live with a hoarder and not have space to work or move about without clutter. Maybe you need a trial separation from your DH to see if your MH gets better without him around. Your family who reported your DH are clearly worried about you. There are various types of abuse.

thank you. I didn't realise what I had achieved which my therapist said is remarkable. I didn't really choose to address the childhood trauma and sometimes I think there little connection I just don't know

yes - I agree. and maybe these things would not have made a difference.

yes - I finished my phd. I passed it with no corrections thankfully as I couldn't have gone back to it (long story of why it was a trigger).

yes I agree with everything you have said. I hate the way my mind is so utterly utterly stuck and I don't get it.

I think I look fro something or somebody to blame when that does not good either. I hate myself now for the things I have done.

I think the thing with having a desktop computer is that with that would have come a designated workspace in the hoard. but also my research is interview based so I really needed two screens going at the same time.

Ok so I have shitty parents and then went on to an emotionally and financially abusive marriage. It did progress to physical abuse but only after he had pushed me to a breakdown then it was fairly easy to accept I had driven him to the violence. He genuinely had me convinced he was supporting me and trying to help and that my mental health was the problem. Had me telling professionals his version of what was happening. Eventually I had to leave him because he lost his temper and hurt our child. I left and went through a hellish time fighting him over child arrangements money etc. But you know what happened I suddenly was mentally well again. Stressed and tired and upset and scared h by it I knew what reality was, I didn't have any worries around money as I was in control of my money. My social life etc I could go out and not suffer the emotional punishments he would give me but then frame as my mental health. So many of the things you are saying about your husband are reminding me of my ex. I once threw a mug accross the room in anger and spent so long thinking I had anger problems and was a horrible person so guilty I was so ashamed but once I left him I remembered why I'd thrown that mug the things he had been doing all day and that he wouldn't leave me alone I was walking room to room to escape and he was following and pushing and pushing until I snapped because he wouldn't leave me alone and I couldn't escape. But I had to escape him to see it. It sounds to me this may be happening in your case.

You said you never argued before your breakdown. But that you kept everything bottled up. But also he was not transporting money in time and not letting you get a desk top which you needed and not going out for meals unless on holiday etc. I would think disagreements in not arguments would be expected here. How did you not have an argument over the computer situation? Friends say your relationship looked really good because they never saw you arguing etc but that's not really good that's you putting up with what does sound like financial and emotional abuse and letting it build and build then the phd pushed you over.

My one ex has a new relationship and I hear their relationship is nothing like how he was with me. She probably believes him when he says all his exs were crazy liers. But my kids come home saying his gf cools and cleans and looks after the kids, she drives him about like his personal taxi. Meek in her place woman alto so he doesn't have to abuse her. He only abused me when I pushed for him to do any housework or allow me part of financial decisions etc if I had just done it all and never challenged his rule he would've not needed to.

I really am worried for you. You haven't said your family told social services lies. They have the facts and question if it's abuse. A lot of what you say does sound like control and abuse. I think you should at least trial living separately if you won't end it completely and see how your mental health fairs without him there influencing it. Maybe you won't cope without him but you don't have kids to worry you need to keep sane to care for you can fall back on the welfare state if you need to and honestly sound like you are capable you worked and got a PhD!

@PurpleBugz Really helpful post, one of the best on the thread.

Before I saw your post I was going to ask if you had a diagnosis of CPTSD and I can now see that you have. You need a psychologist who has significant experience of treating women with CPTSD, not a therapist.
You need to start communicating clearly with people. Your savings you and your husband have are joint savings so tell him they need to go in a joint account and you need a card so you can access them. There should be no asking him to transfer you money.
Tell your sister that you need her to transfer the 50k to you by xx date in an email and if she doesn't then you need to seek legal advice.
Your relationship is unhealthy. You both need to work on yourselves and then maybe you can come back together in the future. Start looking at flats and what you can afford.

I don't think that DH deliberately wanted to sabotage my career at all. I agree I'm damaged but I don't know why if I was so damaged by childhood that I could live so well and so fully for so long? [Name redacted] is ware he has 'issues' but I don't know how he got damaged really.

I know we are codepndent.

I study cultures for my work and I know that there does not have to be an overt rule or prohibition fro people to feel restricted. if we have a culture of we don't spend on this or that in our home than that can answer why I didn't send on things and was so passive - given the childhood fear. I couldn't see that. it was a toxic combination

yes I use therapist as the shorthand but I see a very specialised psychologist who works with CPTSD.

do you know much about CPTSD? what they are not clear on is whether I had CPTSD before the breakdown or only after? it feels to me like only after. its hard on the internet to convey how balanced and stable and high functioning I was before the breakdown.

does it sound like the relationship was unhealthy before? ~We got along so so well and loved each other so much. I was loved unconditionally.

I know you don’t think that, but he did. Your whole relationship is marked his subtle strategies to sabotage and control you. Not necessarily consciously - a lot of his behaviour such as the hoarding has powerful unconscious drivers he has no insight into and little control over.

and I've started looking at places and I could afford something that is not depressing and terrible as I live in the north east.

I understand and I agree that an extra screen helps enormously. But this is something that has already happened and at the moment repeatedly coming back to this seems to be preventing from sorting your life right now, because, as I understand, you are still living in the hoard. It wasn’t great in the past, but most importantly it’s still not great right now. It’s the right now part that can be improved.

The problem is that your H’s hoarding can only be addressed by him, if he doesn’t want to help himself, you can’t change him or force him to change.

You can, however, change yourself. It’s hard and scary, but doable. You can seek a different, short-term therapy that would allow you to make peace with the fact that the past cannot be changed and get a concrete, small steps for you to move forward. Your current therapist seems to keep you stuck in this misery of reliving and reanalising past events while in the present you’re are also stuck in a miserable situation in a miserable house with a hoarder.

Of course it was unhealthy before. You only got along well becaue you squashed your entire self. That was likely a contributing factor in your breakdown as well as your abusive childhood. And the anger came out. As it should.

@LucyLoo1972 PM'd you :)