Why does old friend do this?

[Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast]

I had a very good friend I worked with for over ten years, we talked daily, saw each other outside work, supported each other through terrible times and also had huge laughs. She was really important to me and I considered her one of my best friends. She ended up moving back home, so obviously distance changed things a little between us. I always was the one trying to keep in touch more. She’d send the occasional message and come to visit where I live maybe once a year and make a big fuss about how we’d meet up and she’d message me, but she never did. Contact got less and less and I felt so hurt about receiving only the odd comment on a photo on Sm, that I just cut her out. It was painful at first, but gradually I got used to it, I didn’t engage on Sm, never messaged her etc and gave short, but polite responses to any Sm comments she made or messages she sent. Now as awful as it sounds, I no longer have any interest in her and don’t see how we’d ever have anything in common now.
Recently she’s messaging me all the time, very nice supportive messages, I’m just wondering why, our friendship is clearly dead and it’s too late to decide to make an effort, now it just feels awkward to me and like it would never be the same. I have a big group of amazing friends now and just don’t understand what is the point for her.
What does she want now when she didn’t bother for years and I did?

I don’t know the answer but I wonder if some people are going to do that to me. She’s bored or lonely or something. I mean no disrespect to you of course.

mum has had people do this to her.

@EmeraldRoulette Why do you wonder if some people are going to do that to you?

It’s like she only made occasional effort for the last few years and has suddenly remembered who I am-so odd, for me though, it’s just gone now. It’s like when you get the ick for a guy, but for a friend

I always wonder at how high some peoples expectations are regarding friendships.. and how they expect other people to just know what the expectations are without communicating them.
Did you ever actually tell this friend how you felt?
It may just be that she had a lot going on at one point.. it may just be that now she has more time to contact you so she does.. it may be that she never even noticed you withdrawing slightly and just thought you were busy like her.. rather than thinking you were angry or hurt.
You could accuse her of not caring about the friendship but you could also look at it the other way and think that you did not really care about the friendship as if your expectations weren't met you just withdrew and didn't bother to verbalise any issue and now harbour loads of resentment. You say you just don't care any more but you are writing a post on mumsnet about it. It sounds like you are still angry at her and still haven't at any point actually communicated the issues to her.
Long distance friendships can be hard. Remember that people don't always view friendship as a concept the same way you do. To her you may still be close friends as you've not actually said anything to her about how you have been feeling have you?

@Fifteentreefrogs Its 5 years of me always making more effort 😂I don’t or haven’t had that in any other friendship and we were very close, I was very hurt, now I’m ok, but now she shows up. I’m not angry at all anymore, it’s all just fine for me, which is a real shame as I did consider her a friend for life. I’m just curious about what the point is on her side now.
For the record, I’m chilled in friendships and totally understand people being busy etc, o am now with my Dd, I’d still recognise others efforts though

*All just gone, not fine

I think the point is that she hasn't realised how you feel and still considers it a friendship obviously

@Fifteentreefrogs She has definitely noticed the lack of contact…must have

So what to do, just answer politely but that’s all?

Its 5 years of me always making more effort

So how long is it since she moved away? Five years is nothing! She probably does still consider you to be an important friend, and now she has simply got more time, and wants to pick up again. If you liked her then, I'd just start to be in more contact and revive the friendship - you'll probably find it feels like it always did. Having lots in common doesn't go away just because you haven't seen someone for a while.

@Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast Because when I have tried to talk to people about it, they normally blame lack of time and say I haven’t done anything wrong.

maybe when kids are older, they’ll reappear?

Are you in that headspace where you feel like saying “where the hell have you been, and why do you expect attention now?”

@Time40 But me always being the one to make more effort and feeling hurt by the lack of effort or interest in my child etc has just killed it for me. With all other friends (majority who I wasn’t as close to) they all make/have made more effort than this. I last saw her when my Dd was around 6 months, she’s 6 now! That’s not a very close friend

@EmeraldRoulette I think I was so hurt for so long that recently it’s as though I’ve completely passed through that and feel…nothing anymore and it’s a relief to not feel hurt or not even that sad, which is sad itself I suppose! But that’s what lack of effort/contact will do I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️
It just feels awkward when she contacts me now, I have nothing to say and no interest anymore
I wish her the best though

Unless there is a clear falling out then I would consider her still to be a friend regardless of fluctuating contact levels. She knows you well and you have history. I would still be interested in updates on my friends that I don't have as much contact with as I used to. You can't be expected to message daily now as you haven't been colleagues for 5 years. Expectations can be adjusted as circumstances change. In answer to your question though she may not even be aware that you were so offended from her lack of effort. You should have told her.

This is what I think too!

FWIW I find that very relatable.

probably worth mentioning though, in my case, there are no distance issues and I did raise my feelings about it. That said, I do understand why you didn’t talk to your friend about it- it you can see how people feel about you by how they treat you.

@Scottishshortbread11877 Definitely wouldn’t have expected everyday contact, I have no time for that now anyway with an energetic child, but more than the odd Sm comment would have been good. Also the visiting my area, making a big show of how we’d meet up and she’d message me and she didn’t, really hurt the first couple of times, then it was just meh
Things have changed for me 100%, sadly there’s just nothing there

I just mentioned daily messaging as that's how you stated your friendship used to be and it was almost like you were expecting that level of contact to be required to maintain the friendship. Did you message her when she was in your area to see what her plans were to plan a meet up? She may have been offended that you didn't invite her over for lunch when you knew she was in town? Did you ever message her to say you missed her or go down to visit her ?

You should tell her. Just say, listen I know we used to be close but I feel you let me down and I don’t think our friendship is salvageable. I wish you the best but I’ve moved on. Otherwise, she won’t know. And as much as you say you don’t care, you’re lying to yourself. If you genuinely didnt you wouldn’t be on MN posting about it. It’s ok to be hurt and angry. You feel she abandoned you and let you down when you believed you were as important in her life as she was in yours. If you don’t want to rebuild your friendship then reply to her and tell her that and truly move on with your life. Speak your truth and hopefully get the acknowledgment you need to get closure and move on.

@Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast

I last saw her when my Dd was around 6 months, she’s 6 now! That’s not a very close friend

That's exactly where I disagree with you - as I said, five years is nothing. In my world it's absolutely possible to have a close friend and not see that friend for five years. Life can very, very easily get in the way. I think the problem here is that the two of you have different ideas about acceptable ways to maintain a friendship. You're a person who needs lots of contact, but your (now ex?) friend is fine with long periods out of contact.

Does she have children? It’s interesting she seemed to keep her distance when you had yours. If she doesn’t have children maybe be a bit sensitive to that and connect the two. If she does, maybe she really wanted another but circumstances meant she couldn’t, or she tried and something tragic happened that she kept to herself. Just a reminder not to take things personally and assume it’s about you when everyone has stuff going on in their lives that they don’t necessarily put on social media.

She may not have realised/been busy and has allowed things to drift. And has recently noticed so is my sling sn effort.

If you don't want to build the friendship again then don't. But it might be easier to be honest and say you were hurt when she pulled away after moving and see what she says.

*making a effort

My God. Life happens, and it can be so busy - we have losses, challenges, and sometimes don’t have the energy to consistently pour the same level of intensity into a connection -
i guess I just don’t have the same requirement for friends that you do - I can’t even imagine being this way.

so from my perspective , YABU. But carry on, I suppose.

is this called object permanency? For some people, it’s out of sight , out of mind - for others, I guess a bond remains no matter the amount of contact. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'd feel the same as you OP. The fluctuating contact I'd be fine with, but not coming to my area repeatedly, promising to meet, and then not.

I'd answer her if you feel like it, but not put myself out. As to why is she in touch now - at a guess she's at a loose end for whatever reason.

@Sceptical123 No, if anything it’s the other way round, she has 4, I have 1