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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why does old friend do this?

114 replies

Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 01/08/2024 23:35

I had a very good friend I worked with for over ten years, we talked daily, saw each other outside work, supported each other through terrible times and also had huge laughs. She was really important to me and I considered her one of my best friends. She ended up moving back home, so obviously distance changed things a little between us. I always was the one trying to keep in touch more. She’d send the occasional message and come to visit where I live maybe once a year and make a big fuss about how we’d meet up and she’d message me, but she never did. Contact got less and less and I felt so hurt about receiving only the odd comment on a photo on Sm, that I just cut her out. It was painful at first, but gradually I got used to it, I didn’t engage on Sm, never messaged her etc and gave short, but polite responses to any Sm comments she made or messages she sent. Now as awful as it sounds, I no longer have any interest in her and don’t see how we’d ever have anything in common now.
Recently she’s messaging me all the time, very nice supportive messages, I’m just wondering why, our friendship is clearly dead and it’s too late to decide to make an effort, now it just feels awkward to me and like it would never be the same. I have a big group of amazing friends now and just don’t understand what is the point for her.
What does she want now when she didn’t bother for years and I did?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 02/08/2024 09:00

@GreenPoppy I think that’s what I find just odd and annoying, why make such a big fuss to meet each time, I always say I’d love to meet up, just send me a message when you’re here. The next thing I see is her pics from being here posted when she’s back home, I gave up I suppose and checked out. I was hurt for a long time, but now it’s gone and when she messages it just feels odd

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 02/08/2024 09:12

So she moved away to a new area and has 4 children to settle into schools, nurseries, presumably make new connections in the area, possibly start a new job and fit in there and you’re pissed off because she didn’t prioritise you? You sound very spoiled and selfish tbh. Try seeing it from her point of view. Now that she and her family are settled she’s trying to make more time for you. And she didn’t disappear completely during this time, she still kept in touch as frequently as possible. It’s not like she completely ghosted you or did anything bad to you. I think you are being very unfair to your friend.

princessconsuelobananahammock · 02/08/2024 09:13

You don’t think that maybe having 4 kids took her attention a little?! Wow 🙄

Lillycc · 02/08/2024 09:18

I think you're being unfair here. The level of friendship you had before was intense, that was never going to be maintained once moving away. But her having 4 kids and moving and settling into a new life....sometimes things die down a bit. But true friends would still be friends.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 02/08/2024 09:23

Either:

a) The friendship was important to her but she unconsciously relied on you to do the maintenance, not understanding how you perceived that. She has realised she wasn't pulling her weight, and is making an effort to rebuild the relationship (I admit I have been this person). Or...

b) She has noticed that you've lost interest and her ego requires that you re-engage. She will make enough effort to get you to do so and then, having established that you are still "available", will lose interest and drop contact again (I have been on the receiving end of this one).

Impossible to know which, but if she was really a good friend in the past, I generally give them the benefit of the doubt.

dragonbear · 02/08/2024 09:29

I think we all have difference expectations of friendships - this sums it up quite nicely for me ….

letmego24 · 02/08/2024 09:41

I think it was a bit unfair if you to slowly fade/ ghost her without telling her what was going on - I mean she doesn't know you don't want to be friends does she? Maybe she's a bit lonely atm or going through a tough time that's why she's reaching out, talk to her maybe.

Original poster
Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 02/08/2024 09:43

@letmego24 But where was she when I maybe was feeling that for 5 years?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 02/08/2024 09:43

@TheYearOfSmallThings Definitely think it’s b). As this has happened before

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 02/08/2024 09:45

Those saying she has 4 kids and had to move etc, yes but her moving was 10 years ago with 2 kids, new children were born 6 years ago, I think it’s enough time to have settled and message a few times at least, surely? I wasn’t expecting regular contact, but some feedback would have been good

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 02/08/2024 09:55

You sound bitter and resentful, and I'm.sure you feel justified in that. But I suspect this is more misunderstanding and poor communication. Good friendships can go years without meeting up. I recently caught up with old colleagues that I hadn't seen for 10 years, we all immediately clicked and slipped straight back into the good relationship we had all enjoyed.

You could be honest (but gently)with her and explain you felt hurt. Or let that hurt go and rekindle the friendship.

Gymnopedie · 02/08/2024 10:06

I disagree with most of these posts. For whatever reason she couldn't even find a few minutes to send a message. Yes you could have told her you were hurt, but she could also have messaged to say she had a lot on and sorry if she went quiet for a while.

It sounds like you did your bit to keep the friendship going but got nothing back. You've moved on, made your peace with what happened and have new friends. I don't think you have to pick this up if you don't want to. Send her one message to say you're glad she's well but after not hearing from her for so long you've built a life without her in it. Wish her all the best and then leave it.

Original poster
Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 02/08/2024 10:16

@Gymnopedie Exactly, it’s not difficult, we all have v busy lives but make the effort

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 02/08/2024 11:36

Do other people not have friendships that rise and fall depending on circumstances? I have my best friends but even then I probably only talk to them every month or so.

BubziOwl · 02/08/2024 11:49

What a load of fuss over nothing!

OP, you seem determined to view your friend in the worst possible light. You don't seem open to accepting the fact that most people view friendships differently to the way you seem to. I'm not sure what the point your thread is, to be honest.

OMGsamesame · 02/08/2024 12:07

Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 02/08/2024 09:45

Those saying she has 4 kids and had to move etc, yes but her moving was 10 years ago with 2 kids, new children were born 6 years ago, I think it’s enough time to have settled and message a few times at least, surely? I wasn’t expecting regular contact, but some feedback would have been good

I think you're being entirely unrealistic to think that someone with 4 kids (or 2, then 4) who moved away is going to maintain the same level of contact with you as when you were living in the same place and working together.

Did you ever visit her? Especially before you had your child?

Original poster
Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 02/08/2024 12:37

@OMGsamesame I have never said the same level of contact-I said this and I cannot maintain the same level of contact either, but some would’ve been good

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 02/08/2024 12:40

@BubziOwl 🫤

OP posts:
PoppyBlack · 02/08/2024 13:02

OP she is not a friend. You're just a name in her contact list who every now and again she'll message to remind herself how many " friends" she has. An ego boost of sorts. A bit like people who have hundreds of " friends " on Facebook, they're anything but in name only. You sound like a really decent person, don't waste time and energy giving her anymore thought. Remember the good times as cherished memories, but don't do yourself the disservice of maintaining contact in order to feed her ego.

Mary46 · 02/08/2024 13:12

I feel same as you op. Perhaps she is not as invested in friendship. I feel I outgrew some friends after covid. I think I would keep the messages polite but wouldnt meet no not after 5 yrs passed

freespirit333 · 02/08/2024 13:13

Wow, I hope I don’t have any friends like this, there’s university friends who I haven’t seen in 5+ years! I haven’t met their DC and they haven’t met mine. Life happens? And, have you forgotten that we had a global pandemic 4 years ago which made travel and meeting up pretty difficult for 2 years? Lastly she has 4 DC.

YANBU to be a bit hurt by her saying she will meet up when visiting your area and then not, but did you chase her up when she was around? If she was visiting with DC, maybe her visiting time was full up with seeing close family and other good friends. Out of sight out of mind is very real, I don’t remember to message many friends on a regular basis, but that’s the beauty of SM for me, I love to see their posts of what they’re up to and their DC, and it’s easy to comment on those sort of posts because each one is an instant reminder of that friend.

freespirit333 · 02/08/2024 13:15

Wallywobbles · 02/08/2024 11:36

Do other people not have friendships that rise and fall depending on circumstances? I have my best friends but even then I probably only talk to them every month or so.

Gosh I do. I have a close set of “home” friends who I see fairly regularly when life isn’t chaotic (once a month minimum) but honestly with working full time and 2 DC my weeks just disappear into each other?! Some friends I don’t see for months on end but when we do it’s lovely. It’s hard organising dates when everyone is free!

Original poster
Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 02/08/2024 13:25

@freespirit333 Yes it’s like that in my main friends group as we all have kids, work etc, a couple of months can go by sometimes and we all live near each other, this is a different thing

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 02/08/2024 13:50

Well, you could ask her why she’s now increased contact having done so little over the years.

But as it seems you don’t want to stay in contact you could just say that as she’d contacted you so little over the years you’ve lost any connection you felt to her and won’t be staying in touch as she is pretty much a stranger to you now

Heliotropolis · 02/08/2024 14:15

A lot of people like the idea of having friends but not the reality - by which I mean putting in some actual effort. They like the appearance of “oh yeah, I have lots of friends” but don’t really give two shits about the friends on their list, so token, insincere, messages are their way of keeping in touch with zero effort.