Why does old friend do this?

[Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast]

I had a very good friend I worked with for over ten years, we talked daily, saw each other outside work, supported each other through terrible times and also had huge laughs. She was really important to me and I considered her one of my best friends. She ended up moving back home, so obviously distance changed things a little between us. I always was the one trying to keep in touch more. She’d send the occasional message and come to visit where I live maybe once a year and make a big fuss about how we’d meet up and she’d message me, but she never did. Contact got less and less and I felt so hurt about receiving only the odd comment on a photo on Sm, that I just cut her out. It was painful at first, but gradually I got used to it, I didn’t engage on Sm, never messaged her etc and gave short, but polite responses to any Sm comments she made or messages she sent. Now as awful as it sounds, I no longer have any interest in her and don’t see how we’d ever have anything in common now.
Recently she’s messaging me all the time, very nice supportive messages, I’m just wondering why, our friendship is clearly dead and it’s too late to decide to make an effort, now it just feels awkward to me and like it would never be the same. I have a big group of amazing friends now and just don’t understand what is the point for her.
What does she want now when she didn’t bother for years and I did?

What is it you want people to say op?

Whatever you want to do is fine.

Personally I think it's plausible a mum with 4 kids has only stuck her head up now for breathing space and didn't have any for the 5 years. But if you're too hurt or intense then just let it die

@wido I’m not intense at all

It sounds like you've been quite mean to her, if I'm honest.

@sixtyten Are you serious?

How has OP been mean?

Yes. You were hurt she was in touch less, so instead of discussing that with her you phased her out. That would have been hurtful, and in my book real friends don't do that. I'm not saying her behaviour was perfect either, but two wrongs don't make a right.

I've said the same. OP. It's up to you what you do but you just seem to want everyone to agree with you.

But OP didn’t do any phasing out. If anything OP “matched the energy” as many advise.

if OP had the discussion, she’d be accused of being “intense”.

I suspect OP was hoping for some understanding. Some people do understand it OP. I found @TheYearOfSmallThings comment admitting to being the one who expected the other to make an effort to be very useful btw

You had a good, strong friendship and then distance changed things, as it does. Perhaps she didn't realise you felt neglected by her; perhaps she WAS a bit neglectful and is now trying to remedy that...but whatever the case, she obviously doesn't realise that your friendship is 'clearly' dead or that she's been superseded by 'amazing' new friends.
I guess if you want to sever the acquaintance completely you either have to spell it out to her or block her on everything and let her get the message.
Another option might be to give the friendship another chance but with different expectations this time.

Your lives took different paths for a while. You wanted more than the sound give. It sounds like now she finally has more time to herself and has decided to try and reconnect. It's up to you how you respond.

This is what friendship often is as adults. I've got a few friends who I don't see very often, we don't text or even sm much for months or quite often years. Then a message will spark a conversation and we'll meet up and it's like we've never been apart.
It feels like you didn't really want this friendship that much anyway because you didn't verbalise how you were feeling too your friend.

I now see friendship as being about what you do rather than what you are. It means I don't see the point in people who consider you one of their friends while not actually doing any friend type things like contacting you or meeting up now and then.

I don't blame you for moving on and prioritising people that can actually be bothered rather than someone who didn't for a long time.

It's just normal life

People come and go. Especially work colleagues

Why did you ghost her? She moved away!

I have loads of friends on SM that I've drifted from in real life but if anyone gets in touch, I won't push them away

Agree with this tbh
It doesn't have to be as it was before friendships evolve with job changes, house moves, kids if you want them to

100% this. It's normal I have friends I don't speak to often but their still friends and I will always be there for them but as an adult your focus goes on family, work and day to day life. It's not like when your a teenager and have to see your friend all the time. This is how adult friendship works.

Perhaps when she moved away she concentrated on.making new friends. Perhaps they're no longer friends now.and she's reminiscing your old.friendship? I'd.actually.message her asking if she's okay,.as you've not heard much from her from the past.5 years? See what her answer is.

I haven't seen one of my best friends for about 5 years - we live several hours apart, both have children. We message when we can. I recently apologised to her for taking so long to respond, and she told me not to be daft, that we were family and it didn't matter how much time apart we had, that wouldn't change.

I understand your feelings, but I think you're unfair putting this all on her. People have different expectations for friendships, and you can't blame her for not meeting yours if you never told her what they are in the first place.

Things have moved on now

You felt hurt and rejected then but never told her. That didn't give her a chance to explain any mitigating circumstances so you don't know what happened.

It could be someone from both your past told her stuff about you and she believed them or whatever.

Or she had an illness she kept private but knew you'd see through her sham so avoided you. Or that she was the one who felt rejected by you.

I'd tell her how you felt and feel now and see what she has to say.

It could be that you've totally misjudged her and going forward with this friendship in a potentially less close way that you were originally is the way forward.

Or it could be it's run it's course. You won't know til you try.

Op didn't phase her out, she contacted her the same amount as the friend was contacting op.
If the friend doesn't like that then she shiuldnhave been more considerate. 5 years of always being the person who reaches out gets very old very quickly. As the op did, I'd assume that she didn't want to continue the friendship.

I've always thought friendship included a level where you could drop in and out of each others lives and pick up where you left off without any offence, just joy at being in contact again. I have people I consider friends I have not seen for over 3yrs who are in the same country. I would never think time or distance stops that

@Doone22 Yes for sure, I have friends like this too…but, I don’t really have friends who I message to check how they’re doing and they never bother, until just one day out of the blue, the connection is then gone really as it hasn’t been nurtured even a little bit

Things feel completely different now…like I would never tell her personal things about my life now, when once she knew everything about me and vice versa. I don’t know anything about her life anymore as she never says much when I’ve asked in the past. We’re basically strangers now, which is a shame as is definitely had lots of chances to be salvaged

Maybe reply but name it with her- that you are surprised that she initiating contact again and enquire if everything is ok?

I don't really get what sort of conversation you can have with a friend that seems to have lost interest. Are you supposed to confront them for their lack of effort or beg them to continue being friends with you? I suppose if they gave reasons like being too busy with work that might give some closure.

I'd rather accept it for what it is and withdraw with some dignity.

It seems like you’ve made up your mind OP - you don’t want to talk to her about stuff in your life, so fair enough. I think people tend to fall into two camps, those who don’t see the point in maintaining friendships throughout lower intensity periods and want a steady flow of activity from their friendships, and those who are a bit happier to go with the ebbs and flows of life, and pick up where they left off if someone goes a bit quiet for a while. I’m personally more the latter, but if you’re the former, that’s not ‘wrong’. You feel you drifted apart driven by her and that’s fine. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to her much then don’t, if you don’t want to be polite then don’t, she will soon get the message if you’re not close enough to discuss it head on anymore