Why does old friend do this?

[Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast]

I had a very good friend I worked with for over ten years, we talked daily, saw each other outside work, supported each other through terrible times and also had huge laughs. She was really important to me and I considered her one of my best friends. She ended up moving back home, so obviously distance changed things a little between us. I always was the one trying to keep in touch more. She’d send the occasional message and come to visit where I live maybe once a year and make a big fuss about how we’d meet up and she’d message me, but she never did. Contact got less and less and I felt so hurt about receiving only the odd comment on a photo on Sm, that I just cut her out. It was painful at first, but gradually I got used to it, I didn’t engage on Sm, never messaged her etc and gave short, but polite responses to any Sm comments she made or messages she sent. Now as awful as it sounds, I no longer have any interest in her and don’t see how we’d ever have anything in common now.
Recently she’s messaging me all the time, very nice supportive messages, I’m just wondering why, our friendship is clearly dead and it’s too late to decide to make an effort, now it just feels awkward to me and like it would never be the same. I have a big group of amazing friends now and just don’t understand what is the point for her.
What does she want now when she didn’t bother for years and I did?

For me if a friend seems to have lost interest I will usually send a check in message like is everything okay, have I upset you at all or are you just mad busy etc. I take what they say in response at face value and won’t make much effort again if they don’t. Mostly people are just busy getting on with their own things, sometimes will say they’re busy as an excuse and you don’t really hear from them again but I think sending one check in is fine. I once thought my friend was ghosting me and it turned out she was separating from her husband and hadn’t told anyone yet so appreciated being asked head on as it gave her the chance to say it without her having to be the one to tell someone

She misses your friendship and wants to reconnect. She moved away, got busy and lost touch, it doesn’t sound like it was anything personal, just life was life-ing. If you don’t want to continue the friendship that’s absolutely your prerogative, but I have friends who I don’t see from time to time and we pick up as if it was only yesterday. Life is too short to hold a grudge for something as trivial as you’ve detailed, but if you can’t move past the fact contact was lost, then you should gently let her know that you’re hurt and you’re hurt beyond recovery.

I have friends I don’t see for years and then chat with and pick up when our lives have space. If you don’t want to still be friends that’s fine, just say so. Honestly if she’s got 4 children and two of them are under 6 she’s probably just been busy and thought you would understand.

To me that would be more of an acquaintance that I talk to now and then. I do value this as I think it takes all sorts of different relationships to make for a rich and varied life. However if they started out as a friend they'd gradually stop feeling like one as the absence period got longer.

PP saying they often don’t see friends for months- yes, this is completely normal in the age we live in, but 10 years with not seeing someone and only the occasional comment on social media? That isn’t a friendship! My best friend from school lives 5 hours from me and we recently met up after not seeing each other for 4 years- as both have small kids and a lot on- but we’d kept in touch- messages maybe every month or so sometimes less as life is busy, the occasional little present if we knew one of us was low, occasional phone calls. Nothing intense- but it maintains that friendship.

Completely see why you were hurt it went from what felt like a very close friendship to basically nothing. I could let that go for even a few years or so if someone moved and had little kids or other things going on- but 10 years? No. For the friendship to change- to being contact less often- of course that’s normal, but this wasn’t that- this was super close, to zero, and now random contact again with no explanation for that? I think she’s curious about what’s going with you and wants to find out, but I think if you let her in again, she’ll likely go back to the same lack of effort, which carries the risk of hurting you all over again. I’d just keep it polite but short in your responses.

You ghosted her and she’s texting you to ask why? Isn’t that only to be expected?

It sounds like you're overthinking this.

She's had 4 children. I can't even imagine how you have the time to take a piss with that many kids, let alone message everyone back constantly.

Perhaps they've got a little bit older and she's starting to feel like she has time to message again?

I have a few friends from work who I was close with maybe 14/15 years ago. 1 sometimes doesn't message back but she has 3 dogs and 2 little children. Then all of a sudden she will get in touch loads. The other one messages every few months. When we speak, it's like nothing has changed.

Life get busy. People are working, cleaning, trying to look after kids, taking kids to a variety of clubs, school. It's so difficult. Not to be rude, but it's so, so much easier with 1 child. It's almost impossible to imagine how hectic life can be with more kids until you go through it.

It does sound as if you're not happy with this though, so perhaps best to just respond politely to messages and leave it at that.

@moorin No, not necessarily easier with one, My friends with more than one child find it easier that the kids play together and occupy each other, my Dd is wonderful but adhd and very intense

@RoseGoldEagle Its 5 years, but yes exactly as you’ve written!

I’m absolutely shocked at the amount of people who think this is ok for a friendship. Friendship works both ways and for the entire of 5 years effort is only one way and people of mums net think it’s fine for the person not making an effort to just return to someone’s life if biazzare.

ive found you can have best friendships that are time specific. Both parties enjoy each others company but when one side moves job/area/finish uni etc the friendship slides away. It’s sad but it’s life.

I agree with you.
I have three very good friends who all live hours away so we barely physically meet up or see each other for various reasons (cost/time/family/work etc) but we arent so ignorant that we can't reply to a message!

And the whole "she moved house/has 4 kids" nonsense. Its been 5 years of never bothering to message. Wtf, has she been unpacking the new house for all that time?!

Everyone is busy. If people want to make time for you, they will. If they cant be arsed, they wont. I cant be bothered with folk who cant be bothered with me. Its that simple.

People dont have to message every day or within a set time frame. But its not unrealistic to expect a reply in a day or so surely?

@Lola2321 @ScartlettSole Exactly!

You lost me at I felt so hurt about receiving only the odd comment on a photo on Sm, that I just cut her out.
She wasn't giving your public photos the attention you wanted so you cut her out.

No wonder we have endemic loneliness in our society. Even if you have managed to make some friends that may not even help you since the definition of friend apparently includes people who can't be bothered to interact with you for long periods.

@Demonhunter No, only receiveing that, nothing personal, message replies to me etc, I’m not bothered about sone quick comment on a post, that’s not keeping in touch in my view

@WhatNoRaisins Not a friend, is it

I mean you might as well take your favourite celebrity and claim to be friends with them. If friendship doesn't even require any interaction then what's the difference?

Yes there isn't a universal definition of friend but come on, any term used too broadly inevitably becomes meaningless.

@WhatNoRaisins Ridiculous isn’t it, that’s why I was shocked when she messaged and wondering why 🤷🏻‍♀️I mean, you don’t wonder that when friends normally message do you

I don’t think you’re unreasonable op, but neither is your friend. You’re just not in the same page friendship wise. I have some friends that I’m in very regular contact with and others that really do dip in and out of contact. I think there’s room for both as I have had periods in my life where for all sorts of reasons I haven’t always been totally available.

You need regular meet ups and contact and she’s a dipper (4 kids, relocation etc - it’s not surprising!). Try to let go of the resentment and anger as I don’t think it’s personal. Life is busy.

idk why some of you need there to be a clear right and wrong. If i don't speak to someone much for a while I still consider them a friend unless we have a big falling out. Maybe not a close one but some people are just more low maintenance. If that isn't for you that's fine but other people aren't wrong or 'not friends' just because that kind of friendship isn't for you. I don't have time for people getting aggy that I didn't like their post or leave a comment etc that's too much for me.

It sounds like she also considered you a friend for life and is totally unaware you were feeling this way?

I find this quite petty, me and my childhood best friend had 2 years of no contact at all in our early twenties and it was horrible, she was going through some stuff .

To me someone that dips in and out for long periods is an acquaintance. Not always a bad thing, I think you need different relationships and one thing I really missed during lockdown was the odd conversation with a now and then acquaintance.

I wouldn't consider someone I'd had no contact with for multiple years a friend. I know a lot of people routinely delete people on Facebook after 2 years of no interaction.

I think she's feeling nostalgic and/or in need of the affirmation you used to give her for some reason. I understand why you feel the way you do. I would too.

@YouMustBeHappyNow Yes I think that’s it, also off school for the summer and granted probably has more time, but a simple message/check in takes minutes only throughout the years

@Humannat I don’t think I’m being petty at all