Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about parents moving away

107 replies

Kakakate · 01/08/2024 20:16

So back story, I have a 3 month old DD and a single mum. I moved to where my parents are located when I found out I was pregnant because I wanted to be close to my support network.
Both of my parents seemed really happy for me to be moving to them and excited for them to be around DD when she was born.
fast forward a few months and they’ve just announced they are going to move to the Isle of Wight.
They moan when they haven’t seen DD in two days, but they are moving like 8 hours away now?
AIBU to be annoyed by this? I feel a little smacked in the face by it, I can’t fathom opting to move that far away from my DD and granddaughter at this age if I was to have one in future?

OP posts:
cansu · 01/08/2024 20:22

I guess they perhaps have always wanted to live there?? Maybe they find the reality of being grandparents more tiring than they had anticipated. I can understand you being hurt but I think you need to plaster on a smile.

SoOriginal · 01/08/2024 20:25

I’m sure they don’t want to move away from your DD, but I imagine they’ve lived their life for their family and want to enjoy their twilight years.
It’s a shame they didn’t realise it before you moved nearer to them, I’ll admit that would annoy me after I’d intentionally moved closer to them.

Interl0per · 01/08/2024 20:26

(Speaking as someone originally from IoW, and who loves it there):

Have they just been there on holiday by any chance? It's pretty common for people to visit in the summer and want to come to live. I understand you're upset, and also their right to move if they want to, but maybe encourage them to have an extended visit in November/January, to see what it's like out of season...

madameparis · 01/08/2024 20:27

I think they should have told you this was their possible plan, before you rerouted your whole life to move to be closer to them. Unless this is a sudden decision?!

Interl0per · 01/08/2024 20:29

It's really not that easy to commute to/from IoW, especially with young children. This was a problem in my family when I was young.
They may not realise this, if they've got the summer island in their minds

Menolady · 01/08/2024 20:30

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable as they should have told you this was a possibility before you moved closer to them.

Is the Isle of Wight somewhere you’d consider living too?

EmeraldRoulette · 01/08/2024 20:31

Do you think the plan was already made when you moved?

Original poster
Kakakate · 01/08/2024 20:31

Interl0per · 01/08/2024 20:29

It's really not that easy to commute to/from IoW, especially with young children. This was a problem in my family when I was young.
They may not realise this, if they've got the summer island in their minds

Yes, this is part of the reason I’m feeling annoyed, they’ve mentioned me visiting regularly with DD when they move but I don’t think travelling solo with a young child that far in a car and then onwards is going to be feasible

OP posts:
oObyeOo · 01/08/2024 20:32

It’s pretty shit of them to announce this now and not to re you moving. Where do you live now? Would you want to move back to where you came from, or to IoW?

Original poster
Kakakate · 01/08/2024 20:32

EmeraldRoulette · 01/08/2024 20:31

Do you think the plan was already made when you moved?

They have mentioned about moving somewhere in future in a pipe dream way before but if they had any actual plans they didn’t tell me

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 01/08/2024 20:33

My Dad moved abroad just after I had my first child. It really made me sad that my children wouldn’t get my lovely dad as often as I’d hoped (not for childcare) and I feel so sad that he misses their birthdays and big life events.

You get used to it. Naturally we’ve drifted apart, still speak on FaceTime every couple of weeks but the kids call him ‘Grandad (insert country) and it really stings every time.

No advice, just solidarity that it’s really shit.

ThankTheLord · 01/08/2024 20:33

Kakakate · 01/08/2024 20:31

Yes, this is part of the reason I’m feeling annoyed, they’ve mentioned me visiting regularly with DD when they move but I don’t think travelling solo with a young child that far in a car and then onwards is going to be feasible

Show quote history

Have you told them OP?

Raise it in a soft way....8 hours away...no way! That's like more than a day's worth of travelling, so if you had a weekend....you would get to sleep there, and then come home on Sunday?! 🤣🤣

Gettingbysomehow · 01/08/2024 20:34

The Isle of bloody Wight? Well goodbye parents then. How are you going to travel 8 hours then take an expensive ferry. My DS is 41 and I wouldn't move to Scotland, a place I always wanted to live, because it was too far away from him.
Their expectations of you travelling to see them there are extremely unrealistic and I suggest you tell them that.

Original poster
Kakakate · 01/08/2024 20:35

Pippa12 · 01/08/2024 20:33

My Dad moved abroad just after I had my first child. It really made me sad that my children wouldn’t get my lovely dad as often as I’d hoped (not for childcare) and I feel so sad that he misses their birthdays and big life events.

You get used to it. Naturally we’ve drifted apart, still speak on FaceTime every couple of weeks but the kids call him ‘Grandad (insert country) and it really stings every time.

No advice, just solidarity that it’s really shit.

Thank you. How did you feel when it happened?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kakakate · 01/08/2024 20:36

ThankTheLord · 01/08/2024 20:33

Have you told them OP?

Raise it in a soft way....8 hours away...no way! That's like more than a day's worth of travelling, so if you had a weekend....you would get to sleep there, and then come home on Sunday?! 🤣🤣

Edited
Show quote history

I have raised it in a soft way but it’s a bit of head in the sand response of “it will be fine you can do holidays here”

OP posts:
Interl0per · 01/08/2024 20:37

I think you're totally reasonable being upset about this.
I do suggest encouraging them to take an extended trip there in November/January, before deciding to buy.

Firstly, they'll see what it's really like for the off season (most of the year!), and you can have a frank conversation about how you can't just visit.
It might be enough for them to reconsider for themselves.

ThankTheLord · 01/08/2024 20:37

Kakakate · 01/08/2024 20:36

I have raised it in a soft way but it’s a bit of head in the sand response of “it will be fine you can do holidays here”

Show quote history

That's really hard for you.

Perhaps paint out the reality that they might see you a couple of times a year, unless they come back up to visit you.

How old are they OP?

Gettingbysomehow · 01/08/2024 20:39

SoOriginal · 01/08/2024 20:25

I’m sure they don’t want to move away from your DD, but I imagine they’ve lived their life for their family and want to enjoy their twilight years.
It’s a shame they didn’t realise it before you moved nearer to them, I’ll admit that would annoy me after I’d intentionally moved closer to them.

Edited

Shame if they want looking after at some stage. So many people do this. I used to work in the NHS by the sea and the amount of lonely people with families hours away was epic. They nearly all regretted moving there.

Original poster
Kakakate · 01/08/2024 20:40

ThankTheLord · 01/08/2024 20:37

That's really hard for you.

Perhaps paint out the reality that they might see you a couple of times a year, unless they come back up to visit you.

How old are they OP?

Show quote history

Early 60’s. It’s difficult because I understand they still want to have a life, I just think it’s difficult for me but also I feel guilt for my DD that she’s only got a small family anyway and now she’s not going to be close to her grandparents.

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 01/08/2024 20:43

I would be upset by that too although it never happened to me as I lived almost 300 miles from family anyway. My parents did talk about moving to Spain though when my kids were small and I did have to point out that visits would be sparse because I wouldn't have been able to afford it in school holidays very often. They didn't go in the end for various reasons but that was one of the factors. Make sure they understand that you couldn't visit often without making it sound like emotional blackmail.

MillyMollyMandHey · 01/08/2024 20:43

Do you think the reality of being ‘your support network’ in old age was a worry for them?

Dearover · 01/08/2024 20:52

Do they have any idea how much it costs to go to and from the mainland? Current prices for a weekend on the Island with a car are running at around £150. In the summer it costs around £90 for a day return (impossible with an 8 hour drive regardless)

letsjustdothis · 01/08/2024 20:55

What's their reason for moving? I could understand if they wanted to go to Spain or something, but really IoW 😂

Teacherbee85 · 01/08/2024 20:55

I can't understand that at all, OP. I'd be delighted to be a grandparent and want to be close and involved.

Very odd behaviour. I'd be hurt too.

Iloveacurry · 01/08/2024 20:56

I’d be upset too. Besides, would you want to spend every holiday in the IOW? You probably want to go somewhere else occasionally!

Swipe left for the next trending thread