AIBU about parents moving away

[Kakakate]

So back story, I have a 3 month old DD and a single mum. I moved to where my parents are located when I found out I was pregnant because I wanted to be close to my support network.
Both of my parents seemed really happy for me to be moving to them and excited for them to be around DD when she was born.
fast forward a few months and they’ve just announced they are going to move to the Isle of Wight.
They moan when they haven’t seen DD in two days, but they are moving like 8 hours away now?
AIBU to be annoyed by this? I feel a little smacked in the face by it, I can’t fathom opting to move that far away from my DD and granddaughter at this age if I was to have one in future?

No, they’ve had DD once for a few hours but with her being so young I’m there as well every other time ☺️
also there has never been any expectation of childcare instead of nursery in the future when I RTW

Whilst everyone has the right to do what makes them happy, they should have been clear with you before you moved closer to them. That's really unfair.

Isle of Wight whilst beautiful isn't easy or cheap to get to either.

This is MN and you will get non stop 'it's their life' 'don't be selfish', 'it's their choice to make' etc Bla Bla Bla but I personally would be gutted.

You need to be blunt about what you are prepared to do. Why should you traipse there every time you have money and time for a holiday.

I suggest something along the lines of 'you're going to miss so much of x growing up, I'll only be able to visit for the weekend once a year and I doubt you'll be back much'.

So then it will be OK for OP to say in the future 'you chose to move, sort yourself out'.

there was a thread on here a while back - I think it referenced escape to the country - and it was about the reality of trying to be supportive of elderly parents living remotely miles from their family - having made the move when they retired. I'm close to your parents age and while I in no way feel elderly or even retired, I can guarantee you that if I did move in the next few years, I would be thinking very carefully about support structures, friendships, access to healthcare and ties to the community. I feel bad for you OP but I think the reality of this may also not be great for your parents.

I would raise the spectre of aging and healthcare with them (seen posts about similar situations with peole retiring to remote parts of Wales, Cornwall etc). There is one hospital on the island that does not have an oncology, gerontology or orthopaedics dept, etc, key specialisms likely to affect aging residents, so I am assuming they need to travel to the mainland for serious illness. It has a population of 140k, the same as a small market town like Guildford so medical provision, social care etc will be more restricted than where they are now, I imagine?

Can you move too?

My parents did similar. Tell them it was nice knowing them.

Very similar happened to us too (including us moving closer to them when pregnant and them never mentioning any future moving plans at that point). Guess what, now they're hours away and complain they don't see grandchildren often - shock. They didn't seem to grasp once our children started school us visiting them wouldn't even be an option a lot of the time as it's just not a doable journey in a weekend and we don't want to use all of our annual leave to drive across the country to where they live. No idea what they intend to do as they age and need more support, they've refused to engage in any practical conversations so nothing we can do. Makes me very sad for my children though.

Of course it makes sense you are disappointed. It seems like this is something they've always talked about though. Did you check with them before you decided to move? They aren't doing anything wrong, but neither are you wrong feeling how you are. Can you have an honest conversation with them about your feelings? Not to change their mind, but it might help you understand it's not a rejection of you and your DD. I'd also be straight with them that you won't be able to visit much and they will need to make realistic plans for when they get older and frailer.

I think it's a natural feeling to feel abandoned -- and more so for a single parent who needs support! My husband and I are a good team but we still struggle from time to time without any family near us (especially when the kids get sick or the car breaks down).

My parents retired 10 hours drive away. I visit every 18 months or so because it's just so far with small children. I'm hoping for once a year when they're school age. My parents are early 70s and seem to be finding the drive harder recently so they come every 6 months. I do worry as it seems every time you talk to them someone's just been at the doctor or is unwell but they love their new house and garden and have settled well into the community.

I’d be pretty upset too. Without your parents there do you still prefer where you are vs where you moved from? I’d push back very clearly - mum I’ll be a single mum juggling work and childcare, you must know I won’t have 5 hour drives in me very often. I moved here so that wouldn’t be a problem. You’ll be welcome to visit any time you want.

I don’t blame you for being upset at all. As PP have said, perhaps tneh could have raised this sooner (if they’d known). We live in a different country to my family as a result of my husband’s job and unfortunately it is hard - both sides miss out on a lot and goodbyes at the end of a visit get harder each time. Have you asked why now?

Does your DD's other GPs not want to know her?
I'm on the fence tbh. I'm my DD's childcare, but it seems more and more a DD having children means that the maternal grandmother's life has to evolve around them. A full conversation should have been had.

I'd suggest you practice FaceTime with them. Tell them you want to make sure that they understand how to do this as it is going to be their main contact with their GD.

Tell them how upset you are and be honest. Life is so much easier living near loved ones. I think it is quite selfish to move so far.

My parents moved away and I didn't think it was selfish. We'd grown and left home, made our own decisions, it was time they go to fulfill a dream of their own. If not now, when?

I should add, their decision is coming home to roost in their old age but it's probably been worth it for them, given all they have gained in their good years. It's good they got that.

My mil moved to Asia when ds was five days old. She just presumed she could stay with us three months of the year and that we would regularly visit her. We have never been because of the long flight, cost and because she was always here over the longest holiday. The lack of talking it through with us has destroyed our dynamic. She spent months sitting on her arse in our home critasizing everything we did, while we worked with 4 young kids. Never contributed to her keep or to her part of the chores. Never wanted to be involved with family days out.

She's like a distant aunt now. Never sees us when she does come over now because our new home isn't near a train line so it's not a good base for her.

So my advice is be very Frank and upfront. Ask them how they think they will maintain a relationship and if it involves you driving back and forth be totally Frank. Apart from that what can you do? It's their life of course but sometimes theres a cost. For us it's mil not being a grandparent. She is,a stranger and that time will never come,again. Kids,are grown and she didn't see any of it. Totally her choice to make.

I often dread her saying she wants to move back for her dotage. That's when I move abroad.

Sorry haven't RTFT. I think you just need to be clear that you won't be visiting much as it will be ready hard to travel, be specific. So maybe one or twice a year if that. Just so they understand the reality

I really do feel sorry for you that’s not nice at all. My parents (divorced) and siblings were not very supportive when I was a single parent either.

One parent moved a couple of hours drive from us and took my younger siblings and my beloved grandparent. It was also a coastal tourist town . So I was left in my hometown completely alone with just my child for a number of years, I was only in my early 20s as I had my child as a teenager. . It was then set in stone that anytime they decided they wanted my child for the weekend I had to get DC there and back regardless of if I could afford it or not. My parent stayed with us once overnight in five years, would get the train to visit friends etc but not to see us.

It was really isolating and upsetting and it upsets me to this day that I had that done to me and I was basically abandoned and not wanted.

So a few years later I moved a 6-8 hour drive away for a brand new start. I felt like I had nothing to lose as I was there alone every single day with no company I could go weeks without any contact with any adults just my child. That was 20years ago now and I live somewhere nice, I have a fiancé and we bought our own home a few years back, my child is obviously an adult and regards here as home.

But I continuously get digs and comments about the fact I moved away. None of my family ever visit us anymore, my parent and siblings who moved have never even seen my home and I was so proud that we managed to save up and get a mortgage. So it’s still causing rifts 25 years later and upsets me most weeks as it has always felt unfair. My parent is now nearly 80 and the siblings that live close by don’t really bother with them much and I’m here feeling guilty I can’t see them once a week.

Oh and I was never given an option to also move there and until I met my fiancé I was never allowed to even stay in the house overnight. I was allowed to drive my child to and from but never stay. And now since we bought a home here we are no longer allowed to stay again so to go home and see family I have to save up all year for a caravan out of season as that’s the only dates we can actually afford, my child’s not visited any of them since becoming 18 and the invites to stay in the holidays also stopped overnight.

So I’m afraid I don’t have any advice apart from knowing how it feels and that you won’t also be able to afford to visit 😰.

I think it’s terrible that 60 year old parents who have raised their family dare to want a different lifestyle and want to enjoy sometime together in a different area while they have the good health and opportunity to do something they’d really like! The cheek of it!

A large geographical distance between 'close' family can strain/break relationships.

My husband's mother moved to Lanzarote when our children were small. She said it was only three hours away? We're north of England.

She said that she would get to see the Grandchildren more often as she would send them money for flights and that we could put them on the plane and she would meet them at the airport, every school holiday. It never happened. She said that we could (H and I) visit for two weeks every year - we never did as we'd been there numerous times and had ticked it off our destination list.

When she was sent a picture of her newborn great granddaughter, her first great grandchild, her response was 'isn't she big' - not beautiful, not adorable, not cute, but big. She weighed 6lb 12oz, so no, not big at all.

She came back to the UK a few years ago and now lives 10 minutes away. She thought she could just slot back into our lives. She'd been gone almost 20 years; all through her grandchildren's childhood. They had their own families when she came back to live here. My daughter (now 30) saw her in the town and MIL walked straight past her - didn't recognise her own granddaughter, despite always having had recent photos and contact through social media.

She came to my mother's funeral and, when reminiscing, mentioned that it felt odd to not even know such things like her grandchildren's favourite food/favourite colour/interests. She thought it was an amusing anecdote.

My husband resented that she couldn't be bothered to maintain a relationship with her own family. We were out of sight - out of mind.

He can't bear to be in the same building as her now. Due to her absence and non contact the relationship no longer exists. The distance that she put between herself and her family all those years ago remains the same.

Did you move away from them first before you had DD?

Unfortunately i don’t think long distance family relationships are ever the same, no matter how close you were before the move.
DH’s parents also moved to the IOW. In the main its been successful for them, but they had friends already there. The health care has been very good for them - MIL says it’s Gods waiting room, so everything geared towards the elderly population! However anything serious they are shipped off to the mainland. And god knows what will happen if and when they get doddery.
It’s just no one is ever passing to drop in for a cuppa, or anything impromptu. Having to factor a ferry into a trip negates any sort of spontaneous visit, and they do i think find it isolating at times and tourists a pain in summer. There is a lot of social deprivation in parts, like most seaside places unfortunately.
They have next to no relationship with their nearly grown grandchildren and a now very distant relationship with their kids but it is what it is…you are not UR to be upset OP.