AIBU about parents moving away

[Kakakate]

So back story, I have a 3 month old DD and a single mum. I moved to where my parents are located when I found out I was pregnant because I wanted to be close to my support network.
Both of my parents seemed really happy for me to be moving to them and excited for them to be around DD when she was born.
fast forward a few months and they’ve just announced they are going to move to the Isle of Wight.
They moan when they haven’t seen DD in two days, but they are moving like 8 hours away now?
AIBU to be annoyed by this? I feel a little smacked in the face by it, I can’t fathom opting to move that far away from my DD and granddaughter at this age if I was to have one in future?

I just cannot believe anyone would prioritise the IOW over a grandchild. It’s bizarre. Just running away and making it clear they don’t care about family. When people get really old it’s a struggle. They won’t get help. You need to tell them! You’ve got nothing to lose. They lose a grandchild. How stupid of them,

DP
Just to set expectations
I will not be able to visit you in IOW very often sadly as its too far with a young child. You are always welcome to visit us here.
Please factor this into your future plans and if seeing us is a priority then perhaps consider moving somewhere closer. Bearing in mind I've moved to be close to you.

I would also suggest that they consider living somewhere on the mainland near the Ferry if they love it so much. New Forest or Lee on Solent etc.
Most hospital trips involve a trip to the mainland. And a trip to the Island adds 1 or more hours to any journey.

If they haven't spent quite some time there in winter this is likely to be an expensive mistake.

I dunno . I totally get that your disappointed they won't be around but I don't agree that grandparents should live have to lives around where they're grand kids/kids are. I hope to travel when I'm older and maybe live part of the year in a sunnier climate with dh .
If I do that I don't think it makes me selfish . At this stage in my life. The kids are my number 1 priority as they should be but honestly I'm looking forward to the day when I can have a little time back to do my thing for me.

Oh op I sympathise with you.

my parent has done something similar, although my children are older .

she has moved to the coast about 100 miles away.

now she complains that she doesn’t see the children as much, and gets quite annoyed at me if I don’t make the trip over during half term ect .

half the problem is there isn’t enough space for us to stay at hers , it’s quite a distance to go there and back in one day - I have done it a lot but it’s hard work - so it’s a hotel job in the holidays which is obviously expensive

I also worry that the next decade could see me having to make the journey more and more if they need help - luckily atm both fit well and working pt

I am also bloody annoyed that it was my favourite holiday spot to go to , and now I can’t go without sitting with her for the week 🙄

I hope they know the car ferry can cost £350 plus in the summer. If they want to see you, hope they’re paying for you to visit, if you can face that awful journey. The ferries were in chaos yesterday with two boats out of service and FIVE hour delays. Imagine that with a baby. They are entitled to move wherever they want obviously - but the IOW isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, for many reasons. I would be upset they were moving somewhere with such an expensive barrier, especially as you moved to be near them, but ultimately they can retire wherever they want.

I don’t think YABU. I’d be devastated at the thought of my parents moving so far away. I can see their side - they’ve had and raised their family and now realised they want to do something for themselves. However, they could have had this revelation before you moved to be near them and I imagine uprooted your life. We live a couple of hours away from my family and are talking about moving to be closer for support with our DS (2) and it’s something my family have encouraged. I’d be right peeved if we got there and a few months later they upped and went to the Isle of Wight!

I agree with pp, they need to visit a few more times, in the off season, and really make sure. You also need to make it clear you won’t be visiting as often as they clearly think you can - that journey with a young child on your own isn’t realistic. Visiting for a holiday in my mind means once or twice a year for a week or 2. And what happens if you fancy going somewhere else for your holiday?! They also need to consider the future - yes you can take longer weekends now to visit as and when as DD is young (use annual leave from work and take her out of nursery etc) but what about when your DD starts school? You can’t just be taking her out as and when suits to go and visit them, it’ll be restricted to school holidays and that’s when prices shoot up for travel too. Are they paying for you to visit? You need to sit down and have a frank conversation with them. They need to understand all the implications and have a realistic view of it all before making that decision.

Yet my eldest DD has moved over 200 miles away but no one seems to think that's an issue. Surely should work both ways?

My partners offspring both live in different countries. One 6 hour flight and one 12 hours away. So if they have kids then he's hardly ever going to see them

Definitely. Absolute chaos at Red Funnel yesterday with two boats out, and likely the same for the next few days.

What a strange thing to do. I'd be annoyed and hurt OP. Was there no indication that they'd do this before you moved near them?

I'm mid 50s with adult DDs (no GC yet), and I just can't imagine behaving like this.

You need to make it very clear to them what this move means regarding their relationship with you and their GD. How little they'll see you both.

And the rest! I’ve seen £350 plus in the summer - if the boats actually run 😆

A lot of locals HATE mainlanders moving here. How dare they….

It also costs a fortune to get there by car!

We don't live close to our dad and I know dd would love us to be closer. But we can get there in 2 hours and frequently do.

But they could have had a discussion about it before op moved to be near them.

It's interesting. Young people are encouraged to move away from parents, and the parents have to suck it up.

Parents are expected to stay close to their kids, and if they don't, it means they don't care.

In fairness that applied to us too. Both my late husband and I moved 100/140 miles away from our parents in our 20s. When my mum moved six hours away from me and her grandkids (instead of the manageable hour and a half before that) I was hurt. I was unreasonable to think that I had the right to move away from her, but resent her right to move away.

The problems arise though, when as in this case, it's not discussed in a timely way. Or when the parents make that decision but expect their kids to do the donkey work of visiting them or giving up the freedom to do what they like in the holidays (not to mention care later on).

@Crazycrazylady A little time to yourself isn’t the same as moving 8 hours away to the IOW. We don’t have grandchildren but I would not deliberately put 8 hours of travel between us and them. We really love our holidays and don’t plan to stop. A few months away isn’t moving permanently 8 hours away either. I expect to be helping on my terms with grandchildren. I’m not going to be committed each week but I don’t want travel 8 hours either.

I’ve had friends with terrible problems chasing down to ill parents in Cornwall. It’s 5 plus hours each way and it’s killing rhem. Parents loved being in Cornwall but don’t think of dc with families and jobs to juggle. Dc go to uni at 18 and of course they might move away. However not talking about managing old age and being a grandparent is a recipe for disaster.

Hi, my parents moved to the IOW in their 40s for work reasons almost 40 years ago. I moved away when I was 20. My dad was being treated for cancer a few years ago, there were no provisions in the one hospital on the island to treat him. Cancer patients have to get a ferry to Southampton or Portsmouth for chemo or radiotherapy. Check the hospital website to see what facilities are available if your parents have any health conditions . It was stressful and exhausting for both of them. The hospital sadly also doesn't have enough beds to cover the population. When my dad then got sick, unrelated, and suddenly passed away, I couldn't get a ferry in the middle of the night when I got the call from the hospital. I couldn't get to my mum or to see my dad until the ferry started again early morning. I still feel that pain.
My mum is desperate to move back to the mainland, ferries are expensive. I went the other weekend to drop her back home, it was almost £200 on the car ferry. There are often cancellations.
I would seriously advise against moving to the island in your 'twilight" years. It's lovely to visit but is different place in the winter or to live there permanently. I'd never move back.
Just my thoughts, I don't want to offend anyone that might be living there

OP, I think you need to be so absolutely clear with them that travelling that distance will not be your priority at all.
Be calm and tell them that it is absolutely their choice to move but that you will not be doing 8 hours with a young child.

Some years ago my friends parents decided to do something similar, bucket list thing, but thankfully only rented out their house to a corporate let.

Through circumstances not one of their children were able to visit.
When an extension was offered to them they declined. They enjoyed it, but they realised that with all their children and spouses working full-time, grandchildren with busy lives etc., none of their children were prepared to offer up their precious annual leave to visit. It was a tough lesson.
Perhaps if it had been a large villa in Portugal it might have been more appealing!

It would be wise to advise them respectfully to look into elder care there too.
As a single parent your ability to drop things and go help them will be very difficult.
Encourage them to look at it 5-10 years down the line, particularly if they plan to seel up....that is so final.

The absolutely should do a extended stay in January/February to see how they find it.

I know 2 lots of people who moved in retirement and both didn’t work out.
one moved to France just as all 3 of her children were about to have babies, didn’t understand why no one came to see her that much. Found it boring especially in the winter. Came home, lost loads of money.
a couple in their late 80s moved to their dream seaside town where they had a few summer holidays. Loathed it in the winter, complained about the lack of resources (lived in a London suburb) and lack of NHS support compared to where they were. Husband died and wife is back home.

DH and I talk about moving once DD finishes school, we won’t move out of region and not away from our hospital which has supported DH.

Will they expect you to want to spend all your holidays there? That would be very limiting. I’m a bit appalled on your behalf that they’ve decided this 3 months after your dd’s birth. Yes, they can live where they want but it’s a hell of a journey for you and they don’t seem to have connections there?

Tbh, we have lived here for a decade or two and beyond the weather being different, like everywhere else, and the roads being quieter we don't notice much difference here seasonally. Work carries on as normal, school, friends all the usual stuff. It's just a normal.place to live, bar the ferries obviously which are a whole other thread.

I think the bit of this that is most strange/unreasonable of them is not telling you this before you moved to be close to them. I'd feel really hurt and let down, I think.
My parents moved to France in their late fifties when DSil and I were pregnant with our first children. I think they envisaged us spending big chunks of the summer there (though we did our best to reign in those expectations). We do go once a year - it takes us around 18 hours to get there (we live more remotely in the UK than we used to too) and costs hundreds of pounds in ferries/petrol etc. They are well into their 70s now and find travelling to us tiring. I had a frank conversation with my mum recently about the fact we will not be able to do any old age care for them. Their Power of attorney is a local friend because we are too far away to be any real help. It's their choice, and I respect their right to make it and in many ways admire them for following their dream, but it has absolutely impacted on family relationships.

In a similar situation, my parents don't even have anyone to be POA for them. Not an ideal situation.

What do all the aging ex pats do in Spain? I’ve had local parents and that’s difficult enough!

By the way, we people over the age of 65 don’t need wall to wall care. Staying healthy is key of course.