AIBU about parents moving away

[Kakakate]

So back story, I have a 3 month old DD and a single mum. I moved to where my parents are located when I found out I was pregnant because I wanted to be close to my support network.
Both of my parents seemed really happy for me to be moving to them and excited for them to be around DD when she was born.
fast forward a few months and they’ve just announced they are going to move to the Isle of Wight.
They moan when they haven’t seen DD in two days, but they are moving like 8 hours away now?
AIBU to be annoyed by this? I feel a little smacked in the face by it, I can’t fathom opting to move that far away from my DD and granddaughter at this age if I was to have one in future?

exactly 😂

It sounds very upsetting.

Have they said why they are moving? Early 60s, I presume they are still working, so was it for a job opportunity? Or are they retiring there?

I think going on repeat that you won't be able to visit often is all you can do.

I think it's very hard on you. When I was about 20, my parents retired and moved a 10-hour train journey away. Although I dutifully visited when I could, it seemed that they didn't really care about seeing me much. My DD has now moved considerably more than a 10 hour journey away from us, and I feel hurt and abandoned all over again. Some families clearly don't want to feel particularly close. I find it very sad.

@Kakakate We have friends living in IoW. When we visit it’s limiting in terms of where to go and what to do. There’s yachting activity around Cowes but otherwise it disappoints me. It’s only passable if you are into sailing. It is expensive to get the ferry all the time too.

Also, your parents are younger than me and I wouldn’t live there. Twilight years? Absolutely not. I think you must tell them visits will be very limited. I guess you are in the north at the moment. I would have to say choose between seeing grandchild or IOW. Cannot have both.

It does seem strange. I would have a blunt conversation with them, kindly.

Do they really not want to see you and their grandchild anymore?
If they expect you to visit, be clear you won’t.
Do they realise that as they get older, you won’t be near for any support or care?

Thanks everyone I’m feeling validated by being a bit annoyed and upset! Will try reiterating again that we won’t be able to visit often and that they should visit in winter as @Interl0per has recommend and see what that does.
They seem keen to move before winter though so perhaps it won’t change much.

I’m not against people having freedom, I just wonder if they really thought it through. I’m a French surprised how impractical some people are.

plus It seems wrong that they didn’t alert you when you moved. Posters mentioning care, they might plan to move to you when that time comes. Which would be unfair IMHO.

Again, said as someone who loves the IoW (and indeed will be visiting this summer)...

If they've only been there as tourists, they may not realise how differently they may be treated if they move across. There's a big difference between attitudes towards tourists ("grockles" essential but annoying at times), oveners (people who recently moved to the island) and caulkheads (IoW natives). When I visit I get preferential treatment as soon as someone realises I'm not 'just' a tourist.
Living there is just not the same as visiting.

But you moved to be near your support network. Presumably you discussed the type and duration of support you expected? Was it what your parents thought?
Difficult as it is, these are their end years to live

It's ok to feel upset but ultimately you can't stop them from moving. One of my parents moved a 12 hour drive away and we can only really visit once a year. The journey was a nightmare when the children were small though is getting easier as they get older. The options are drive over two days, plane or very long train journey on several trains. None of those are good options with babies/toddlers. They do visit us sometimes on top of that so we have seen each other more than once a year but I do still feel a bit sad and akso worried for the future as they are very rural with the nearest family member one of their siblings who is about a 4 hour drive away and not much younger .

I think this maybe where I went wrong not having an explicit conversation about the type and duration as you’ve put it.

As you and others have said on here about care, I have mentioned that if this is their last house move, which is what they’ve said, they need to look for somewhere with access etc for mobility for future, and local resources. But god knows what they would do if there was an emergency as I think the closest family member is 5 hours away.

You chose to have your child they have a life

Oh they’ve said it is forever? Makes me think even more that they knew all along so why didn’t they tell you? But you mentioned a support network so I’m guessing you have other people in the area.

The IOW is a massive retirement home. I know because I lived there.

Im sorry op this is shit of them

Honestly I would be really worried about supporting them when they are old. If they get dementia and are that far away it will be hugely stressful

Can you move with them?

No I can’t move with them

I do think it’s worth exploring with them how much research they have done about the reality of living on the Isle of Wight. As others have said very different to a summer holiday.

In their 60s health care is going to be a major issue and sadly provision on the Isle of Wight isn’t great and they are having trouble recruiting GPs (more so than the mainland) The local NHS trust is amalgamating with one in Hampshire and many services in the future will be led from the mainland rather than the local hospital so this will likely involve travelling to the mainland. Not great when getting older and need for services will be greater.

Social services on the Island are stretched due to the demographics - more so than the mainland.

Have they ever lived somewhere which is a summer holiday destination ? Traffic / crowds etc are a nightmare during holiday times and local services are stretched, roads are busy, parking in the town is a nightmare.

Do they realise that many companies will not deliver to the Isle of Wight as it is so expensive transporting “stuff” on the ferry

Even with local resident discounts the ferry is expensive and during the peak holidays difficult to get a booking - particularly when one has broken down ( which happens more regularly then they might realise)

Ultimately it is their choice and sad that they didn’t let you know this was their intention before you moved to be closer to them, but I do wonder if they have realistically thought through and researched the practicalities of moving to an island.

Not an Island but my In laws suddenly announced a move to a UK holiday destination - many hours from their home and family, but after initial “it’s all fine and we will be ok” it transpired they hadn’t researched things like healthcare etc. and then realised actually it would be a mistake

My mum moved 6.5 hours away, and just assumed that we'd visit her for holidays. I made it clear that no we wouldn't. Our leave was precious we already had places that we wanted to go to for our holidays, and we weren't going to be doing a 13 hour plus stops return journey for a weekend.

There was a bit of backstory, but we never did visit.

The only time we made the trip to where my mum moved to, was when she had a massive stroke. And then my brother and I had to arrange for her to be brought back to a care home in her previous area, because there was no-one to care for her or visit her in her new location 6.5 hours away.

So yes, your parents are being short sighted, and they need to know that you won't be able to come to their rescue should they need caring for at any point.

Have you perhaps been using them for childcare and support more than they're happy with? Maybe they feel that moving away is the only way to set boundaries with you.

It’s expensive and time consuming to get there. Healthcare is crap. Anything serious and they’ll be sent to the mainland.
I would be livid.