To not want to invite In-laws other half to birthday party?

[cristal988]

Our son will be 1 in a few months and we will be having a birthday party.

My husband's brother has a partner whom he has been with for 8/9 years on and off and they share an 8 year old together, they both have children from other relationships.

BIL also has a son from a one night stand that was born a few years ago that she recently only found out about.

Both me and my husband feel that we don't really want to invite her as she has a really bad problem with alcohol and is known to get very rowdy when she has had a drink and can get quite aggressive.
She has glassed people in the past and has been on tag.

We also don't want to be put in an uncomfortable position where she starts asking questions about the twins mother etc, we only found out when she did as it was kept very hush hush and only illy in-laws knew about it.

From what we understand it's not a serious relationship anymore and they live separately anyway but she has told BIL that she fully expects to be invited to the party considering our kids our cousins.

We feel she only wants to come to see if the mother of this new child is in attendance and to cause trouble.

We are not close at all and I have only met her a handful of times and when her kids have parties she doesn't invite me but invites my husband.

We are sending out the invites this weekend are we being unreasonable not to invite her?

How big is the party if they think that the 8 year old and the twins can both attend but not come into contact with each other. This is crazy and has the potential to cause a lot of hurt to the children if they come into contact and realise they have the same dad. You can’t be part of that.

I wouldn't have the party. Babies dont know it's their birthday. Instead I would go for a day out and have a pub lunch or tea.

Bil made the mess, let him deal with this.
tell him kids only and him - no women. End of.
why should you police this at a kids birthday party?! His problem

So everyone around this 8 year old is willing to actively lie to them? I couldn't entertain being part of this. Why would you want this behaviour around your son. Your husband should be supporting you and your child, not trying to please everyone else who are in a situation of their own making.

There is no win win in this situation

they both come so all children can attend - BIL partner will be rude aggressive and deliberately ruin it

just BIL partner and children come then OW and twins won’t attend and will be offended - could they come at a different time after BIL and partner have left or different day?

just children invited - no children likely to attend if Mother’s stick to their guns. But does mean peaceful and enjoyable party for your child. Your DH will have to cope with BIL moaning but he will need to repeat the children are welcome to come so the only person spoiling the children from having fun is the mums.

I’d go for the last option!

The partner of BIL has made it very clear that if she see's the OW she will "knock her out". Someone who thinks that is ever an appropriate way to behave wouldn't be around my DC full stop. You're going to have years of this bullshit, you need to set strong boundaries from the start and stick to them. BIL and his kids only, one celebration only for your DC birthdays. I wouldn't set a precedent of seperate events.
Apparently the OW had written in laws a letter stating who she was etc and then began blackmailing BIL. I might take this with a grain of salt, but whether it's true or not I'd stay well clear of both mums and staying as far away from the drama a possible. This is going to blow up and come out at some stage and I wouldn't want to be involved at all.

This.

I'd listen to your MIL or you'll spend years regretting it. The only way to get through this is rock hard boundaries and never break them. In a few years it might be easier as it becomes the norm or it might not but it'll be the lesser evil than dealing with these women.

BIL is the reason this problem exists, he caused it so why does your DH think you and your child should be paying the price? Why is it your responsibility to make sure BIL doesn't have to deal with the fallout from HIS actions? Your DH us being a dick about this. Seems he's happy to throw you under the bus.

I’d choose a cottage. This sounds like it could get messy, not what you want for a 1st bday party. I don’t get why the ex partner would need to attend, surely her child / children attend with their dad. I guess his new partner would expect to come, but she sounds awful. I wouldn’t want these people at my home, hence I’d choose a cottage. Your child is too young to know any different so I’d avoid the conflict, if it’s causing arguments then choose something different to do.

I thought your son was way older and had an ongoing relationship with both sets of children. He’s a baby. You’re drawing a ridiculous amount of fuss on yourselves. Cancel the party, and just do something fun, solo, with your baby. By the time your son is old enough for birthday parties, you will need to make it clear to your husband that the consequences of BIL’s untidy sex life are of no interest to you.

Invite them both. Don't serve alcohol

I'd cancel the party and have a small celebration with just GP for your DS birthday. Alternatively go to a different neutral venue, E.g soft play centre.

Your BILs 'women' are likely to turn up whether or not they're invited.

You said that the older kids are sworn to secrecy about the twins identity. That won't last, somebody will let the cat out of the bag!

Hi
So we will just be hiring a cottage for the birthday with just the grandparents invited.

As PP have mentioned we need to create boundaries now to avoid any issues in the future.

It seems like my husband just hates telling his brother anything that may upset him.

For example BIL's oldest son is facing a prison sentence for stabbing someone (this is not riot related btw, happened months ago) and he was refused bail because the judge apparently said he was "a menace to the streets) as he has been in and out of prison since he was 14, he is now 19.

I have serious concerns about having him in my house and near my child, but my husband has no qualms about this.

The 8 year old's mother was on tag for several weeks years ago for glassing someone and had a serious cocaine problem and again I have to justify to my husband that I don't want people like that in my home or around our son.

Honestly, if your husband can't see the problem with having these people around his wife and child, I'd have serious doubts about him too! You don't have to justify yourself, it's screamingly obvious why you wouldn't want these people in your life!