To not want to invite In-laws other half to birthday party?

[cristal988]

Our son will be 1 in a few months and we will be having a birthday party.

My husband's brother has a partner whom he has been with for 8/9 years on and off and they share an 8 year old together, they both have children from other relationships.

BIL also has a son from a one night stand that was born a few years ago that she recently only found out about.

Both me and my husband feel that we don't really want to invite her as she has a really bad problem with alcohol and is known to get very rowdy when she has had a drink and can get quite aggressive.
She has glassed people in the past and has been on tag.

We also don't want to be put in an uncomfortable position where she starts asking questions about the twins mother etc, we only found out when she did as it was kept very hush hush and only illy in-laws knew about it.

From what we understand it's not a serious relationship anymore and they live separately anyway but she has told BIL that she fully expects to be invited to the party considering our kids our cousins.

We feel she only wants to come to see if the mother of this new child is in attendance and to cause trouble.

We are not close at all and I have only met her a handful of times and when her kids have parties she doesn't invite me but invites my husband.

We are sending out the invites this weekend are we being unreasonable not to invite her?

Both me and my husband feel that we don't really want to invite her as she has a really bad problem with alcohol and is known to get very rowdy when she has had a drink and can get quite aggressive.
She has glassed people in the past and has been on tag.

I feel you should definitely invite her and then report back how it all went.

We had a glass of champagne to celebrate keeping a small human alive for a whole year. I agree it shouldn't be a knees up though.

Hi there will be no alcohol at the party, it was just mainly for the kids as we have so many nieces and nephews and wanted to celebrate our son.

Even though we wouldn't have had had any alcohol BIL's partner would have brought some as she loves having a drink.

When my husband went to their son's birthday party last year he said she was talking about stabbing people and arguing with random people on the street so that really put him off inviting her to any event we may have given her nature but it is the BIL who puts pressure on my husband as he is in the doghouse and has to "make it up to her".

The OW also puts pressure on BIL given that they were kept a secret for 2 years.

It's a very messy situation and we just want what's best for our son.

We may just book a cottage getaway as it will be a lot easier and stress free and as a PP mentioned, our son won't remember anything.

@TomatoSandwiches haha your comment made me laugh lol yes he defo needs a bumper pack of some Durex for his birthday lol!

Yeah this, if it's a kid's party, people shouldn't be getting pissed anyway.

None of this is your problem, OP.

If your BIL is getting it in the neck from the mother of his 8 year old, he needs to grow a backbone and tell her to wind her neck in. He needs to tell her that she is not invited to the party because she is a lairy gobshite who threatens to stab people and you don't want that kind of behaviour at your baby's birthday party.

If he's getting in the neck from the mother of his three year old twins then he probably should have thought twice about having unprotected sex with a random woman who might turn out to be as batshit as the mother of his older child.

He has made his bed, he will have to lie in it.

This is very much not your circus, and his monkeys are not fucking invited.

Have the party if you want to. Don't feel you can't celebrate your child's birthday in the way you want because of these nut jobs. But don't tell them when or where it is.

Just read your update. In that case don't invite their children, then there's no need for any of them to come. You could lie, and say it's just cake with the grandparents only. But remember not to post it on social media afterwards. Or you could simply go away as a family!

Me and my husband have been arguing about this non stop all weekend, he feels bad as it's his brother and not inviting the mothers is causing big issues in BIL's relationship with the mothers as they both feel as if they should attend and apparently he is getting it in the neck from both of them.

MIL has advised me to proceed with caution with both women and not to bother inviting either one and in future make it clear that neither women will be invited to any of our child's parties/family and only the children.
MIL has more interaction with them as she often babysits the kids (separately) and isn't fond of either woman.

I just said to my husband that I'm the one organising the party and putting the hard work in and why should we have to invite people in our home that we have barely any relationship with just to keep other's happy?
Still doesn't get it

Cancel the party and deal with your completely ineffectual husband. He is your problem. A massive one, I might add.

I'd just be going away for the weekend. A one year old won't remember the party. But you and everyone else there - including other children - will remember if the shit does hot the fan.

So hang on. There's an 8yo with one woman and twins with another. These kids don't know the others exist. And now each woman expects that she and her kid(s) will be invited to your baby's birthday?

So are we expecting a big showdown where some of the kids realise they have half-siblings for the first time at the party?

Plus the two mothers shooting daggers at each other or worse?

This is mad. How do you normally facilitate relationships with these different sets of your BIL's kids? Have they met your baby before? How well do you know either of the women?

I mean, fuck this. This is literally your BIL's problem for not keeping it in his pants. His drama doesn't need to be your drama.

Why would anyone think a large family gathering is the best place for secret siblings who have never met before to meet for the first time. Have the party and make clear neither woman is invited. Children can come but they must have met each other first or none can attend as it would not be fair for them to be put in that position.

We also don't want to be put in an uncomfortable position where she starts asking questions about the twins mother etc, we only found out when she did as it was kept very hush hush and only in-laws knew about it.

First off I would cancel the party and celebrate DC first birthday with a day out at the zoo with my own parents.

Secondly I would be taking a good long look at my in-laws and start wondering if they were keeping secrets from me about my marriage. You have seen how they treat the married-in's, I would be paying attention to that.

This

You want to avoid a Jeremy Kyle / Eastenders drama

I'd cancel the party altogether

But, if you do go ahead with this shitshow, please update on here and I'll be waiting with my popcorn 🍿

Doesn't sound like fun for any of your nephews.

First they discover their dad has another family they didn't know about, & then their mum starts a punch up/gets lamped by a drunk, depending on which mother they have.

You can't have the 8yo AND the twins at the same event if they've never previously met, regardless of whether their mothers are there.

I'd cancel the whole thing & go for tea & cake with the gps on your side, tbh.

I wouldn't invite someone with form for getting violent to a social event, not even if they were a blood relation... and especially not to a child's birthday party.

If the partner doesn’t want her child to meet the twins, will she let him come? Certainly don’t invite either woman, given one has threatened the other. Hardly the drama you need at a one year old’s party! I’d say a one year old won’t have any concept of a party, maybe do something for just you and your family?

BIL would keep the twins and the 8 year old separate and no indication would be given that they are siblings.

We usually see the all the kids together apart from the twins who we see separately and usually BIL brings them round.

All of BIL's other kids have relationships with the twins as they are older and are also sworn to secrecy not to say anything to the 8 year old.

I have only met the OW a few times at BIL's separate address.
I have only met BIL'a partner a few times, she is very fiery, aggressive, loud and friendly into taking cocaine etc.
We got ok but we are completely different people.

All the kids have met our son and he is closest in age with the twins who absolutely adore our son.

I really wanted to have a big celebration even though our son won't remember it.

Apparently the OW had written in laws a letter stating who she was etc and then began blackmailing BIL and years later when she got his partners address wrote her a letter telling her he had fathered twins with her and if the kids could meet.
I only just found out all this yesterday.

It just concludes that having either woman there would be a very foolish thing to do as there is a lot of tension/hatred between the two woman.

he feels bad as it's his brother and not inviting the mothers is causing big issues in BIL's relationship with the mothers as they both feel as if they should attend and apparently he is getting it in the neck from both of them.

Your DH's brother's partners/ex partners/children are not your or your husband's responsibility. This is for your BIL to sort out. He caused this problem, he can deal with it.

I agree wih @MissScarletInTheBallroom

Either cancel the party and hire a cottage for a family getaway, lay down the law on the guest list excluding these two women, or invite them all and hire a bouncer to cover the party and ensure their cards are marked should either/both decide to kick off (just kidding on the latter).

Seriously, this is your life and your home and you get to dictate the guest list, not BIL’s dubious choice of mothers for his children. Set the scene for the years to come or you’ll be facing this drama every birthday/family events.

At this point the person directly ruining your child’s birthday is your husband. He could do the following to resolve it:

Clearly state to his brother that children can come and the women cannot.
Disinvite his brother, all kids and the women (who can break the disappointment they’ve cause to their children).

Either option would enable you to continue planning your party. The reason you’ll probably not get the great big family bash you’re dreaming of is because you’re apparently surrounded by cheats, liars (including your in laws who seem to be well versed at keeping secrets even from yourself) and violent drug addicts (if his partner does/did cocaine, he will have done cocaine that’s not rocket science). Frankly I’d want my 1 year old as far away from them as physically possible.

Your husband instead is totally ineffective and “supporting his brother” by doing nothing essentially, besides I imagine moaning about the drama of you arguing with him all weekend. Good luck with all future occasions, I feel you’re going to need it with this bunch.

You're sending out invites this weekend for a 1 year old's birthday party that is months away?

I can't imagine why you want your child around any of these people, they all sound like they'd walk in straight from an episode of Jeremy Kyle with barely a full set of teeth between them.

You've been recommended by most posters NOT to invite either woman to your 1 year olds party. That should answer your question.

I really wanted to have a big celebration even though our son won't remember it.

And sometimes we can't have what we want. You should be mature enough to comprehend that this big party is a disaster waiting to happen and it can't happen. If you continue on and insist this party happen, you're as bad and irresponsible as everyone else. Why you would subject yourself and your child to this complete and utter shit show is beyond me.

@cristal988 - This is an excuse for you to throw a party (let's call a spade a spade here) considering you wrote this:
"I really wanted to have a big celebration even though our son won't remember it."
Your 1 yr old won't remember a bouncy castle
They won't remember ANY of it.

You need to dial the birthday celebrations right down until your son is about 3 or 4 when they can make memories and remember the celebrations. Don't actively invite the issues your BiL has with his nocturnal seed sowing partners to your doorstep. That is his issue to fix and hopefully by the time your kid is 3 or 4, his son will be 11 or so and the mother will hopefully have chilled the fuck down by then.

If you want to have a party, then have a party and do invite EVERYONE. Have your own son's 1st birthday low key though.

Fuck it. Invite them all, put a case of vodka on the table, and let them do their worst. It would be hilarious.