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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to invite In-laws other half to birthday party?

89 replies

cristal988 · 01/08/2024 18:07

Our son will be 1 in a few months and we will be having a birthday party.

My husband's brother has a partner whom he has been with for 8/9 years on and off and they share an 8 year old together, they both have children from other relationships.

BIL also has a son from a one night stand that was born a few years ago that she recently only found out about.

Both me and my husband feel that we don't really want to invite her as she has a really bad problem with alcohol and is known to get very rowdy when she has had a drink and can get quite aggressive.
She has glassed people in the past and has been on tag.

We also don't want to be put in an uncomfortable position where she starts asking questions about the twins mother etc, we only found out when she did as it was kept very hush hush and only illy in-laws knew about it.

From what we understand it's not a serious relationship anymore and they live separately anyway but she has told BIL that she fully expects to be invited to the party considering our kids our cousins.

We feel she only wants to come to see if the mother of this new child is in attendance and to cause trouble.

We are not close at all and I have only met her a handful of times and when her kids have parties she doesn't invite me but invites my husband.

We are sending out the invites this weekend are we being unreasonable not to invite her?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 01/08/2024 18:12

Just invite BIL and his children, not either mother.
Make it explicit though as your BIL seems to be a bit daft.

Original poster
cristal988 · 01/08/2024 21:37

@TomatoSandwiches
Yes that's what we thought, just to invite the kids but it's causing BIL a lot of problems as both mothers expect to attend.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 01/08/2024 21:39

Who has twins? The one night stand woman?

Sunshineafterthehail · 01/08/2024 21:39

Don't serve any alcohol..

SquirrelBlue · 01/08/2024 21:40

cristal988 · 01/08/2024 21:37

@TomatoSandwiches
Yes that's what we thought, just to invite the kids but it's causing BIL a lot of problems as both mothers expect to attend.

That feels like a BIL problem not yours. Invite him and the kids. Baby mamas not invited. If he gets grief over it, that's on him.

GRex · 01/08/2024 21:41

I don't understand which BIL mother you mean at various times. Just have a smaller party if you don't want someone there. I wouldn't have somebody there who likes to glass people for sure.

BananaLambo · 01/08/2024 21:45

What sort of party is this? For a one year old I’d be expecting something like 2pm to 4pm on a Saturday afternoon, some cocktail sausages and carrot sticks, tea and cake, and off home.

Screamingabdabz · 01/08/2024 21:48

No. You don’t invite people to a 1 year old’s birthday party that can’t be trusted to behave appropriately.

Don’t even worry about holding that position. Start your strong boundaries now as it’ll be impossible later and as your DC grows and the family occasions will become more frequent.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/08/2024 21:50

cristal988 · 01/08/2024 21:37

@TomatoSandwiches
Yes that's what we thought, just to invite the kids but it's causing BIL a lot of problems as both mothers expect to attend.

Why on earth would the one night stand expect to attend?

It all sounds very Jeremy Kyle.

Original poster
cristal988 · 01/08/2024 21:57

It will be a birthday party at our house, just a kids party with all the cousins etc.
A bouncy castle, kids stuff etc.

Sorry BIL has an 8 year old with his partner and twin sons with the a one night stand who is also a long term friend of his.

Both mothers expect to attend and are well aware we will be having a party.

The partner of BIL has made it very clear that if she see's the OW she will "knock her out".

BIL is very keen that all his kids have a relationship with our son and that the twins are also recognised as family.

Both mothers are not willing to let the kids attend with just the father, the OW is a nicer person and makes the effort.

Yes it is BIL's problem but he is making my husband feel quite stressed over the whole situation as he is trying to keep his partner happy as they work through the relationship.

OP posts:
LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 01/08/2024 22:03

I can see why your brothers partner would expect to attend and if it wasn’t for her bad behaviour/alcohol issues I would find it wrong to exclude her; however, her behaviour issues changes things.

why would the one night stand expect to attend though? That’s just weird and no way can you invite her and not your brothers partner. Although I think you just shouldn’t invite her full stop; if her children join it is through your brother.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 01/08/2024 22:06

You say the twins woman is a nice woman and maybe she is in most areas but the fact that she expects / is trying to attend the party is suggesting that she is a trouble causer.

don’t let your child’s birthday be overshadowed by family drama of your brothers making.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/08/2024 22:24

I would say either your BIL brings his children without either of the mothers, or none of them are invited. Because you don't want a Jeremy Kyle style bust up at your child's first birthday party.

Original poster
cristal988 · 02/08/2024 00:09

Yes I think it would be best for just the children to attend to avoid any conflict and drama, my husband just feels very uncomfortable at having to tell his brother as he doesn't want offend him.

I think the OH want's to attend as she feels as if the twins hasn't really been accepted and she just wants to make sure that they are included and feel part of the family, she also doesn't feel comfortable having her kids around BIL's partner (BIL's partner refuses to meet the kids and has banned him from introducing there son to the twins).

OP posts:
JabbaTheBeachHut · 02/08/2024 00:14

Both mothers are not willing to let the kids attend with just the father

This is his problem, not yours.

They can't just put these rules in place and expect you to adhere to them by giving in to their invite demands.

GRex · 02/08/2024 06:26

cristal988 · 02/08/2024 00:09

Yes I think it would be best for just the children to attend to avoid any conflict and drama, my husband just feels very uncomfortable at having to tell his brother as he doesn't want offend him.

I think the OH want's to attend as she feels as if the twins hasn't really been accepted and she just wants to make sure that they are included and feel part of the family, she also doesn't feel comfortable having her kids around BIL's partner (BIL's partner refuses to meet the kids and has banned him from introducing there son to the twins).

How is the twin mother his "other half" and the older child mother his "partner"? It doesn't make any sense.

summerdazey · 02/08/2024 06:38

Good grief this sounds messy. I wouldn't invite anyone who has glassed someone.

I wouldn't invite the one night stand lady either - she's nothing to do with your family.

Just invite your BIL if you want and say you need to keep numbers small and don't want glassing lady there.

summerdazey · 02/08/2024 06:39

cristal988 · 02/08/2024 00:09

Yes I think it would be best for just the children to attend to avoid any conflict and drama, my husband just feels very uncomfortable at having to tell his brother as he doesn't want offend him.

I think the OH want's to attend as she feels as if the twins hasn't really been accepted and she just wants to make sure that they are included and feel part of the family, she also doesn't feel comfortable having her kids around BIL's partner (BIL's partner refuses to meet the kids and has banned him from introducing there son to the twins).

She's not his "OH" she's the mother of his son and twins

Doingmybest12 · 02/08/2024 06:41

I think I'd ditch the idea of a family party if they can't behave themselves . Have a quiet tea at home for just your small family or a day out. Your child won't care and you can't have this every year so set the tone now.

Wolfpa · 02/08/2024 06:46

Your BIL also sounds like a stirrer. Do you have the capacity to just invite the children and no adults including your BIL?

you may not like your brother in laws partner but she is part of your life and from the sounds of it she will be there for a while.

inviting the OW and not her is just going to cause a bigger wedge between you all in the future making family events even worse.

AquaFurball · 02/08/2024 06:55

Tell both of these women and BIL your child is not a toy for them to fight over. Either the BIL brings the children to the party on his own or the children do not come, they (the mothers) are the ones that will be excluding their children from being part of the family by doing so. The invite is to a one year old's birthday party, for children, your child's cousins and no one else.

Feel for you OP seems your husband and his brother won't stand up to childish behaviour from these women and will leave it to you.

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 02/08/2024 07:04

It's a 1 year old's party. Why would alcohol be involved?

Invite children to a children's party. It's an event in YOUR house, so you get to dictate who attends, and how the conduct themselves when they do.

BIL sounds like a wet rag and is not going to step up and make any kind of decision here. So it's up to you to. You speak directly to the women involved. If you want them there or not you tell them. And if they attend you tell them you don't want any kicking off on the day. If someone does start kicking off you and your DH work together to get them to leave your house.

If one decides not to go and as a result their children don't go well then that's that. It's a 1 years old's party. He's not going to have a clue what's going on and there's plenty of years ahead for things to settle down and relationships to build amongst the cousins.

Willmafrockfit · 02/08/2024 07:06

just dont invite him or his children

Bluebirdover · 02/08/2024 07:17

cristal988 · 02/08/2024 00:09

Yes I think it would be best for just the children to attend to avoid any conflict and drama, my husband just feels very uncomfortable at having to tell his brother as he doesn't want offend him.

I think the OH want's to attend as she feels as if the twins hasn't really been accepted and she just wants to make sure that they are included and feel part of the family, she also doesn't feel comfortable having her kids around BIL's partner (BIL's partner refuses to meet the kids and has banned him from introducing there son to the twins).

You offend the BIL, if that's what it is and tell him not to come with the children if it's going to cause an issue.

When he gets his life in order and the children can join alone without their mothers, then he can bring them.

Don't get involved in the shit show of this dysfunctional family.

cheddercherry · 02/08/2024 08:06

At some point someone needs to act like a sensible adult and say of course the drunk who wants to “knock someone out” at your child’s party cannot attend. Whether or not that offends her or your BIL.

If the adults can’t adult then no one comes, the kids miss out and that’s on their ridiculous parents. By the sounds of it they’ll have an entire childhood of paying for their parents poor decisions, it’s absolutely shameful. But why would you risk any of them bringing violence and arguments to your child’s birthday party.

Of course you tell the BIL to keep away with his messy relationships - what’s the alternative? tiptoe around him and have your child’s birthday ruined? What on earth would your friends think? Can you imagine a punch up at a BABY’s birthday. As a parent I’d certainly not take my child to another of their parties!