To not want to invite In-laws other half to birthday party?

[cristal988]

Our son will be 1 in a few months and we will be having a birthday party.

My husband's brother has a partner whom he has been with for 8/9 years on and off and they share an 8 year old together, they both have children from other relationships.

BIL also has a son from a one night stand that was born a few years ago that she recently only found out about.

Both me and my husband feel that we don't really want to invite her as she has a really bad problem with alcohol and is known to get very rowdy when she has had a drink and can get quite aggressive.
She has glassed people in the past and has been on tag.

We also don't want to be put in an uncomfortable position where she starts asking questions about the twins mother etc, we only found out when she did as it was kept very hush hush and only illy in-laws knew about it.

From what we understand it's not a serious relationship anymore and they live separately anyway but she has told BIL that she fully expects to be invited to the party considering our kids our cousins.

We feel she only wants to come to see if the mother of this new child is in attendance and to cause trouble.

We are not close at all and I have only met her a handful of times and when her kids have parties she doesn't invite me but invites my husband.

We are sending out the invites this weekend are we being unreasonable not to invite her?

Your child is only one so you need to set your stall out now or this will be a drama at every party. Your party, your house, your rules. Your brother in law has no right putting you and your DH in this position.

I would NOT invite anyone who has threatened to 'knock out' another guest and who has glassed someone. It's all very well saying don't serve alcohol but the woman sounds full of rage and why should you be on edge. Parties for one year olds tend to be about the adults and there is lots of 'Ohhhh this time last year' and birth war stories - so the 8 year old isn't missing Lazer Tag.

I would say to BIL only children and give the reason why. If his partner gets cross - he has to deal with it. With any luck she will refuse to attend anything else you arrange. Later on, I would invite the mum and twins for a play date so the cousins could get to know each other.

it's hard to work out how many children are involved in this. the 'OW' (aka 'one night stand') has twins and another son with your BIL?! or is the son one of these twins? how on earth did he manage to have 1-3 children and keep them completely secret from his 'partner' for over 8 years? does he not pay maintenance? do they not discuss finances? has he heard of contraception?
i don't see why any of them need to attend a one year old's birthday party.

it's not like your baby will ever remember who was or wasn't there. you can arrange play dates for their cousins to come at other times.

and you'll be busy enough looking after all your guests on the day - you don't need the additional stress of worrying about whether or not someone will turnn up and kick off/ threaten violence....

As DH to ask BIL how he managed/plans to manage his OWN children’s birthdays.

Invite bil and kids. If the mothers won't allow the kids to attend without them, then just bil comes. This is his problem not yours.

How do they even know about the party?

BIL sounds like a problem here.

“Yes it is BIL's problem but he is making my husband feel quite stressed over the whole situation ”
your husband needs to be firm with his brother and shut it down “we’ve made it clear that it’s just you and your children invited. The issues with their mothers are yours to deal with not mine, please don’t ask me about this again as we’re not going to change our minds”.

Your son, the child who the birthday is for is going to be 1 year old.
No one year old needs a bouncy castle.

I'd suggest dialling the celebrations right back and have a suitable party for a 1 year old as there will be plenty of time as your son gets older to have the bouncy castles and all of the other stuff that goes along with it.

Perhaps if the older kids didn't know there is likely to be a bouncy castle, they wouldn't be pestering their parents (BiL and his various women) to attend and the women wouldn't feel entitled to attend. Also, who expects and invitation to a party of a 1 yr old that they are not related to in any way shape or form????

Sorry type error I meant OW not OH.

BIL has several children with 4 women.
He has an 8 year old and a step daughter with his partner.

He has twin sons with the OW who are 3 years old.

He has 3 teenagers who are late teens who tend to keep out of the mess.

The twins and the 8 year old have never met and are unaware of each others existence due to BIL's partner refusing to allow her child to meet the twins.

BIL mentioned it in passing to them about us having a party, and they both adamant that they want to come.

It is very messy, of course we want our son to have close relationships with his cousins but from what I understand BIL's partner does not want her son and BIL's step daughter to know about the twins and that is the main reason she wants to come to keep them away.

We was looking forward to having the adults come as well as we have a lot of nieces and nephews on both sides.

DH won't say anything so I will have to speak to BIL and tell him we don't think it's appropriate to have either woman at the party but of course we want the kids to come.

(BIL's partner refuses to meet the kids and has banned him from introducing there son to the twins).

how are the twins and 8 yo old going to attend anything together anyway???

this is nuts and it’s your BILs problem
he needs to get over it and put it squarely back on your BIL.

separately you need to make a decision for the longer terms as this is going to be a recurring issue at every big event you hold. ever.

Don't invite any of them.

BIL's partner wanted to attend to ensure that the children were kept away as she absolutely does not want the twins meeting her kids.

I think the best solution would be just for the children to come to this party and any future events.

You're sending out invites a few months in advance and struggling with the guest list. This sounds more like a wedding than a one year olds birthday. The birthday boy won't be able to go on the bouncy castle with the older kids. He'd get trampled.

If I were you I'd scale the whole thing back to grandparents and a cake.

Let someone elses party be the test case for how everyone is going to behave going forward.

Op, you're a parent now and it's your job to keep chaos and shit people out of your child's life. Your BIL doesn't get to call the shots as to who is allowed in your home and life. Don't invite any of these nutters and tell your husband to grow a pair.

Of course you can't invite someone violent to a children's party! Only invite bil and he brings all of his children. If his partners won't allow it, then that's that. No mums need to attend at all.

BiL has several children with 4 different women. He's obviously not in a stable relationship with any of them, and is, how can I put it, in need of character strengthening. I wonder why he is allowing them to dictate whether he can take his children to a party, or whether they ever even meet. Maybe it's because of the risk of being glassed?
Anyway, as your DH also seems to be short of bottle, you can tell him (BiL) that mother of the 8 year old is definitely not invited because you are not having a violent drunk in your house.
You could let him bring the mother of the twins, as you say she is nicer, although if the other one finds out ( she will) she might turn up and cause trouble anyway.
I don't think your child's birthday party is the best place to meet the twins for the first time. Better all round to make it gradual, meet them in the park or something and take it slowly. It says something that neither mother wants to allow the offspring to go with BiL alone.

No idea why you are even entertaining a family party for your 1 year old with all that drama.

Book a night away or something and don’t invite anyone. Inviting the kids without the mums is not going to work and you know that. Your 1 year old will not give a shit about any of their cousins at the minute. Give it another year and see if anything calms down.

Don't invite any of them, and distance yourself going forward. No good is going to come of any of it, and you have your child to protect now. Your DH needs to grow a pair.

I wouldn't invite any of them to be honest, they sound way too 'Jeremy Kyle' with all their drama. You don't want it all kicking off at your baby's first birthday!

Fucking hell.

I would say plainly to your BIL that you do not want your child's first birthday party to be hijacked by his partner who clearly wants some sort of showdown with the OW, and the drama of his children meeting their siblings for the first time when they were previously unaware of each other's existence.

Who gives a fuck if your BIL and his various women are upset about not being invited? Just tell them you don't want any drama, you want to enjoy your child's first birthday, so none of them are fucking invited because none of them can be trusted to behave themselves.

I think the update makes it worse. Welcome to the world of your husband putting his brothers feelings before your child’s wellbeing, never mind an utter disregard for your wishes to simply enjoy something as basic as a child’s birthday. But no, let’s all pussyfoot around the immoral adults who can’t keep their pants on or their hands to themselves. Buckle up OP, this is your life now and this nonsense will rear its head at every family occasion.

Birthday or Christmas, whatever is closer, get your BIL some bloody condoms ffs.

Happy Birthday to your baby op, I hope it goes well.

Indonesia all sound rather Jeremy Kyle doesn't it.

Several options:

1. Scale back the party to just you 3 and grandparents only
2. Invite the BIL and children only and tell him none of his "partners" past or present are welcome
3. Tell BIL the party is cancelled
4. Tell your DH to grow a pair
5. Buy your profligate BIL a big pack of condoms and a biology book about how babies are made for Christmas

OP what happens when it's one of your BILs children's birthdays?
Does the OW and her children attend? I doubt it.
So why is it expected that she attends your child's party, with who there is no biological relationship?
Put that to your DH and see if he can give you an answer?

The whole thing sounds like a car crash of epic proportions waiting to happen. Don't give them a forum to have it out on your dime and your baby's first birthday. Cancel the whole thing. Reconsider in a few years when your baby is old enough to understand what a birthday is.

Book a nice restaurant with high chairs for you, baby and your other half.

Why would you have alcohol at a party for a 1 year old?