To not attend my friend's baby shower 4 hours away

[TheBlueRobin]

An old friend from school is having a baby in September - WONDERFUL NEWS! Her best friends are throwing a baby shower for her this weekend. The baby shower is local to her. I live over 4 hours away. There are some other school friends attending but they live 2 hours closer.

Am I being unreasonable if I don't want to go? To be clear I never flake, am always punctual and have always made an effort with friends. I attended her wedding and sent her housewarming gifts etc. She's a lovely person and was very kind to me after my Mum passed away but we only see each other about twice a year and don't really keep in touch in-between.

I feel bad as I did say I would try to make it on the group chat(didn't 100% confirm) as they know I live furthest away.

I just don't really fancy an 8 (likely 9) hour round trip on my weekend for a few hours of silly games and probably not even catching up with my friend properly. But I feel quite guilty especially if I'm the only school friend not attending

That's my whole weekend gone. Though I could see my Dad on the way to break up the journey. Perhaps I'm just very tired from work and seeing everything as a burden?

I've bought her a gift from her registry and considering sending them with a little something to say sorry and hope everything goes well.

My friend is a lovely person but we're not a close group of friends, more that we've just stayed in touch since school, her best friends will be there so I don't feel like I'd add anything there, other than catching up with mutual friends?

YABU - you made a commitment, don't be flakey, step up and be good friend

YANBU - I wouldn't fancy it either, it doesn't mean you're a bad friend

When someone goes to the effort of planning something and inviting you it’s nice to actually give them an answer about your attendance. It’s pretty shitty to leave it so open ended until the last minute, regardless of any reasons for not attending.
If they were so pressing you should have just declined in the first place.

Do not lie or make excuses (especially not re Covid). Be honest, ie "I'm so sorry that I'm not able to attend. I hope that you have a lovely day and that all goes well for the birth of your child".
Then send a gift & card when the baby is born, as we all would do.

Erm a mix of things. Muslins, clothes, toys, toiletries, various accessories. I chose something quite mid range but I was quite shocked when I got the list really!

Whoops, just tested positive for Covid, best I don’t come.. apologies!
Why bullshit? No need. Keep life simple.
Ive not rread the whole thread and its probably been mentioned but you said your burned out with work. Could you have a little mini break which includes seeing your friend seeing your dad and relax
It may help to recharge you. Change is good as rest.
If you don't want to do that just tell the truth, you can't do the journey but send a lovely present for her.

A gift registry WTF?!
That makes sense.
It gives an idea of what is needed and wanted.
Better than a new parent get 20 of the same items eg baby grows that they are too big for 6 weeks later rather than something that could be useful.
Why be 'quite shocked'?
I'd be grateful!

God I wouldn’t even consider going. It’s a baby shower, not a wedding. It will be a few hours of twee games at best, and in no way worth driving 8 hours for.

Send a present and your best wishes and don’t give it another thought. You are absolutely not required to go!

Just about to text exactly that! I wouldn’t attend if they were having it in my own living room to be honest…

It's absolutely fair enough for the OP not to attend.
But Jesus, there are some total miseries on here.

If there was a way I could attend op I probably would since it sounds like she's been good to you and because the alternative for me would be trying to arrange something just the two of you which is probably going to involve the same amount of travel anyway as she may not be comfortable to come to you if she's far along. I think it depends on how much you care about this friend really. Maybe you could send her a box of surprises for her to open during the party via a mutual friend and help with the planning in some way? But tbh I'd just probably go if it were me.

I'm glad you have decided not to go and prioritise other things.

Baby showers are something that should be consigned to history in my view anyway.

I think informal organisation of who gets what has always happened, I've had friends who have said 'could you get for age x' and we've asked work colleagues what would be helpful for us to get. The key difference is now that it seems to be 'an event' and expected that everyone will be buying something.

It’s fine not to go but tell people asap and don’t lie about having Covid or any of that nonsense. Will never understand why someone would choose to lie unnecessarily to their friends.

Never understood the point if a baby shower, but a Registry, seriously?

It is a baby shower for goodness sake, not a wedding, funeral or even a hen party. Perfectly reasonable to say you can't go.

Apologise now that you can’t attend and send a lovely gift ahead of the baby shower. It will smooth things over.

Nearly everyone has a wedding or baby gift that sits awkwardly at the back of the cupboard because it didn’t appeal but you can’t bear to throw it away! That’s where a registry comes in handy. I’d hate to spend money on something the recipient can’t or won’t use.

We received so many blankets for my baby. She was born in a heatwave. I ended up sending some to textile recycling when she was a toddler as I just couldn’t store them indefinitely. She likewise had various cute outfits that were never worn as she lived in a vest for most of 0-3 months.

I go one step further and send Amazon vouchers, that way Mum can get whatever she needs. If it’s baby wipes then so be it!

Grabby grabby

Send friend a useful gift and save your time and money for travelling up to see her when the baby is three months old.
She will appreciate seeing you then.

I think informal organisation of who gets what has always happened, I've had friends who have said 'could you get for age x' and we've asked work colleagues what would be helpful for us to get. The key difference is now that it seems to be 'an event' and expected that everyone will be buying something
To be honest, I think it's a nice think. The mum to be usually has afternoon tea or something with friends. I can't see the problem.
I've been to a few and it has always been enjoyable. I usually buy something for mum to be rather than the newborn though.

Never understood the point if a baby shower, but a Registry, seriously?
Grabby grabby,
Don't be daft. No one is going turn up empty handed so you may as well buy something that's needed. A bit like the old weddings before lists The bride and groom would get 20 toasters and a dozen teasmaids ( mum and dad!)

Sod that!

*mysteryday · Today 16:48
Sod that!
Sod what?
Going to the baby shower?
Buying a gift?
What and why? ( what e er it is)

I wouldn't go and I would feel bad.

But then I loathe baby showers

Celebrating a close friend? The horror!

Some posters are so dramatic and probably never leave their houses.

I hate all these American traditions such as ‘gender reveals’, ‘baby showers’ and ‘baby registries’ that have come to the UK.

They are tacky, grabby & unnecessary.

It would be a no from me - you don’t have to give a reason why.

It reminds me of that scene from ‘Sex & The City’ in which Carrie has been to the bachelorette party (and given a gift), the wedding (and given a gift) and then gets invited to the baby shower (and gives another gift). When does all the grabbiness stop?

Sod going. I agree with @NorthernSpirit too. There is a tradition now of travelling far and spending so much on all these ridiculous celebrations. It's just another commercial making scam. You invite those who are near and that's it. Don't put pressure on those who have to travel miles unless it's a very close friend or relative. I just think generally all these celebrations have gone way out of control. No one can have a stag do at their local pub for a few hours - no it has to be a weekend in Prague now. Kids can't have a small party at home with a few games and party bags, it has to be a £15 per head party experience somewhere. Yes I'm ranting and yes I'm miserable.