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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend my friend's baby shower 4 hours away

118 replies

TheBlueRobin · 01/08/2024 08:16

An old friend from school is having a baby in September - WONDERFUL NEWS! Her best friends are throwing a baby shower for her this weekend. The baby shower is local to her. I live over 4 hours away. There are some other school friends attending but they live 2 hours closer.

Am I being unreasonable if I don't want to go? To be clear I never flake, am always punctual and have always made an effort with friends. I attended her wedding and sent her housewarming gifts etc. She's a lovely person and was very kind to me after my Mum passed away but we only see each other about twice a year and don't really keep in touch in-between.

I feel bad as I did say I would try to make it on the group chat(didn't 100% confirm) as they know I live furthest away.

I just don't really fancy an 8 (likely 9) hour round trip on my weekend for a few hours of silly games and probably not even catching up with my friend properly. But I feel quite guilty especially if I'm the only school friend not attending

That's my whole weekend gone. Though I could see my Dad on the way to break up the journey. Perhaps I'm just very tired from work and seeing everything as a burden?

I've bought her a gift from her registry and considering sending them with a little something to say sorry and hope everything goes well.

My friend is a lovely person but we're not a close group of friends, more that we've just stayed in touch since school, her best friends will be there so I don't feel like I'd add anything there, other than catching up with mutual friends?

YABU - you made a commitment, don't be flakey, step up and be good friend

YANBU - I wouldn't fancy it either, it doesn't mean you're a bad friend

OP posts:
PortiasBiscuit · 01/08/2024 08:18

Whoops, just tested positive for Covid, best I don’t come.. apologies!

Goslingsforlife · 01/08/2024 08:19

who in their right mind attends a (grabby) baby shower 4h away. I wouldn't give it a 2nd thought.

Goldcushions2 · 01/08/2024 08:22

You never fully confirmed.
I wouldn't dream of going.
I wouldn't feel bad about it either.

Sunsetsandcocktails · 01/08/2024 08:23

I think it depends on what has been planned, if it’s just a catch up at someone’s house I think fine to text now and say ‘really sorry but I’m unable to make it this weekend, hope you have a great time’. This is what I do for all baby shower invitations: just say no, no explanation (cos I bloody hate them).

if stuff has been booked though and you’re expected to be there it’s a bit bad to pull out now but like you say she’ll have her other friends there. What has changed from when you said you’d go as assuming you’ve always known it would be an 8hr round trip?

either way just confirm yes or no now and be done with it. Send the present after the baby has arrived safely.

ExtraOnions · 01/08/2024 08:23

She sounds like she’s been a good friend, and supportive to you, I can’t quite understand why you wouldn’t want to go to her special event.

As long as you are honest with her .. you aren’t going because you can’t be bothered. Don’t be lying about it, and claiming “Covid” that’s cowardly.

SprigatitoYouAndIKnow · 01/08/2024 08:24

I think the question is do you do that journey to see her at other times? Is this a friend you see and want to continue to see, or is it time to fizzle out? When she has a baby, she won't be doing 4 hour drives to see you, so are yiu happy to do all the driving in the nearer future?

DappledThings · 01/08/2024 08:25

You would not be unreasonable not to attend if it was 4 minutes away, let alone 4 hours.

RachelGreep87 · 01/08/2024 08:25

YABU

EmpressOfTheThread · 01/08/2024 08:27

PortiasBiscuit · 01/08/2024 08:18

Whoops, just tested positive for Covid, best I don’t come.. apologies!

Don't lie. Why do people suggest this?
Just say that the journey is too much.
Honest, direct and not personal.

MyrrAgain · 01/08/2024 08:29

A bit poor show OP. You had ages to decide. Go and stay in a hotel, have a nice weekend etc. make it a mini break or whatever, you don’t see her very much so why not? After the baby comes she’ll be busy and I’m sure you won’t be bothered to travel 8 hours to see a tiny baby and frazzled mum either

Nannyfannybanny · 01/08/2024 08:31

I wouldn't attend a baby shower or a ", gender" reveal,it's all parties, expense. Thankfully they didn't happen when I had my DC s. People came to meet the baby after birth,at which point DH and I had the lovely surprise of finding the sex. My poor DD got invited to quite a few when she had been made redundant, they got bigger and more expensive like children's birthday parties now are.

Justjn1 · 01/08/2024 08:33

Goslingsforlife · 01/08/2024 08:19

who in their right mind attends a (grabby) baby shower 4h away. I wouldn't give it a 2nd thought.

This.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/08/2024 08:34

Do the journey when you can meet the baby. You should have declined when you were invited as it’s a bit late now but it would be daft to go so just tell them today.

Iasonnas · 01/08/2024 08:35

"I've bought her a gift from her registry"

What fresh fucking hell is this?

"After the baby comes she’ll be busy and I’m sure you won’t be bothered to travel 8 hours to see a tiny baby and frazzled mum either"

Why will she be "frazzled"? So sick of all this pressure to race to the bottom and fit into "exhausted momma bear" stereotypes.

OP don't go. It'll be total shit, you've bought her a present from her grabby wish list. Travel to see her and your dad when you've got a long weekend and the baby is actually here.

EmpressOfTheThread · 01/08/2024 08:35

When the baby is born safely (🤞) go and visit and take a gift. Have some 1-2-1 time.

Maraa · 01/08/2024 08:44

If your friends, she will understand. I’d maybe send something in the post and a card and make the journey when you can meet the new arrival. I wouldn’t expect my friend to travel this huge distance. I was invited to my friends baby shower a similar distance and lots of us were unable to make it due to distance (the joys of military wife’s). She wasn’t offended and understood and she still had a great day.

Longhotsummers · 01/08/2024 08:52

A baby shower registry? For this alone I wouldn’t go!

rainbowstardrops · 01/08/2024 08:54

I think it depends whether it's just a party in a garden with silly games, or whether it's something like afternoon tea at a hotel that has already been paid for.
She's been supportive of you though, so I'd feel bad not going to it. Could you stay at your dad's overnight to break the driving up a bit?

ByCupidStunt · 01/08/2024 08:55

Just send a gift and apologies. It's fine

KnittingKnewbie · 01/08/2024 08:56

I'd be embarrassed for my friend to travel 8 hours round trip for my baby shower. There'll be loads of people there. It's ok to say no

Aavalon57 · 01/08/2024 08:58

I didn’t attend my friend’s baby shower and that was just an hour away. I can’t stand them. I’d rather wait for safe arrival of baby, then visit. And a registry?!!! Embarrassing and awful.

Crunchymum · 01/08/2024 09:00

MyrrAgain · 01/08/2024 08:29

A bit poor show OP. You had ages to decide. Go and stay in a hotel, have a nice weekend etc. make it a mini break or whatever, you don’t see her very much so why not? After the baby comes she’ll be busy and I’m sure you won’t be bothered to travel 8 hours to see a tiny baby and frazzled mum either

Book a hotel? Make a weekend of it? Some people don't have the money or the time (or the mental energy) for this kind of stuff. I certainly wouldn't want to use a whole weekend to attend a baby shower.

I'm sure the OP will see the baby at some point but there's much less pressure on it being a specific time / date as she won't have to rush the second the baby is born.

Make your excuses now and put it out if your mind OP.

Original poster
TheBlueRobin · 01/08/2024 09:03

MyrrAgain · 01/08/2024 08:29

A bit poor show OP. You had ages to decide. Go and stay in a hotel, have a nice weekend etc. make it a mini break or whatever, you don’t see her very much so why not? After the baby comes she’ll be busy and I’m sure you won’t be bothered to travel 8 hours to see a tiny baby and frazzled mum either

In an ideal world that sounds lovely and actually I did exactly that for her wedding and made it a three day city break. However this time around, finances and time is much tighter.

OP posts:
HMW1906 · 01/08/2024 09:03

I probably wouldn’t do a 8 hour round trip for a baby shower, they’re generally not worth that much effort BUT I think you should’ve bowed out before now, it’s rude to have left it this late to say you’re not going. As you didn’t say no initially you will likely have been included in numbers for catering, etc.

Original poster
TheBlueRobin · 01/08/2024 09:05

rainbowstardrops · 01/08/2024 08:54

I think it depends whether it's just a party in a garden with silly games, or whether it's something like afternoon tea at a hotel that has already been paid for.
She's been supportive of you though, so I'd feel bad not going to it. Could you stay at your dad's overnight to break the driving up a bit?

Thank you. It's just at her house with games and some pizzas, so it's not as though anything has been booked or places reserved etc. I was considering the overnight option with my Dad but I'd still have a 5 hour drive back Sunday.

OP posts:
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